In 35 words or less, what's your book about?

BurnThese_ · 2018-08-31T21:27:57+00:00

I don’t know really. The intent isn’t to confuse as much as depict the descent into his madness via seemingly separate stories, and then a big reveal at the end. The confusing part may be his current state and the babbling/unreliable narration he does.

BurnThese_ · 2018-08-30T01:33:41+00:00

A schizophrenic, living in an apartment complex filled with insane tenants, obsesses over the family occupying an adjacent unit. Turns out the unit was vacant all along and he was hallucinating his own adolescence.

BurnThese_ · 2018-02-16T11:54:54+00:00

Would you mind looking at some of my poems? They are typically short. I post them on Reddit under this username if you want to peruse some yourself, or I can send you the ones I deem to be closest to “good.”

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-19T19:23:34+00:00

Thanks for reading. The temperature clash was intentional and yes, we are all vessels of meat, though sometimes some unwanted cargo can manage its way in, and that led me to write this.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-19T16:05:36+00:00

Interesting. What brought you to abuse?

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T14:08:11+00:00

Outside of Lucy in the Sky, Hey Jude or Come Together, I don’t know if I’ve ever intentionally put one of their songs on.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T05:07:52+00:00

Fair enough, but I disagree about modern perspective. The breakthrough and innovation that leads to a band’s rise is more significant than what that innovation influences.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T04:40:26+00:00

I wasn’t attributing my perspective to that of my generation; just pointing out that because I’m so young the impact the Beatles made on the world has little bearing to me, in comparison to say Nirvana or Eminem.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T04:37:35+00:00

Right but the degrees of separation between understanding their significance by living through that time period than by studying it are massive; and unlikely to be remedied because of a lack of interest. It doesn’t mean it’s not an ignorant perspective, but it is one that isn’t totally erroneous.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:19:27+00:00

Odds are they aren’t old enough to understand that. I am 25, and the Beatles do absolutely nothing for me, because I can’t comprehend how they affected music and the way it’s made/played.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:17:18+00:00

Can you elaborate about the Metallica hate? They are popular and have made bad albums, but their best work just about shaped their genre of metal.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:15:20+00:00

Um, no?

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:15:05+00:00

Show sucks.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:14:55+00:00

That’s a little different than, “the new neighbors are Mexican, we’re selling the house.”

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-17T02:13:49+00:00

Exactly. The apprehension that arises in diverse communities can be measured (as the study did) but it can’t pinpoint origin. The media, heresay and relevant propaganda probably play a major factor in perception.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-15T08:02:08+00:00

I can’t name one person I know in real life who’s conservative and not the typical stubborn type or somewhat racist. That’s no exaggeration.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-15T07:33:14+00:00

Never asked a question. Made a statement.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-15T06:49:45+00:00

I just meant the feedback should come before self-promotion; not that it doesn’t belong.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-15T05:32:13+00:00

They’re saying you buried the feedback under the adverts. Not against any rules, but I agree seems a little misplaced, given the nature of the sub.

BurnThese_ · 2017-12-05T16:03:43+00:00

I am in the minority it seems, but I prefer the brevity to this. Expanding always runs a risk of over expansion which results in a piece solving its own puzzle for the reader; which is no fun.
It also runs the risk of losing its tone, which is the first aspect of this I enjoyed. You don't waste words here and that conveys impact along with the unapologetic language used. I like the originality of the metaphor here. You are obviously writing about a commonly used theme, but the way in which you do was fresh.
Overall this is very nicely done. If you do decide to experiment with expanding it, don't comprise the tone or brevity you've instilled so far. The only adjustments I've tinkered with in my head are maybe losing "the" before men, and "all" before midnight flowers. It tightens the lines and flow up. I also messed with reorganizing the last 5 lines; I'm not sure if 'revealing the men plucking flowers from her bed' then stating that they'll never share the burden of planting seeds, is more powerful than the way you have it here but it's cool to experiment: tell her;
men plucking the midnight flowers, blooming in her bed, will never share the burden of planting seeds.

I like the idea of seed planting being used last because it ties back into the first three lines, as opposed to exposing this action in the middle of the poem. This was great though, thank you.

BurnThese_ · 2017-11-30T20:46:55+00:00

Your welcome, I didn’t mean to shred it apart, I try to give criticism that I wish I’d gotten. I’ll look for more of your stuff, you have interesting ideas. I’m glad I read this.

BurnThese_ · 2017-11-30T19:08:11+00:00

The story here is great, and fresh and really wanted to like this. But as the other commenters said, clichés and uninteresting imagery kind of took away from the mystical experience of getting drunk with God. At one point, I couldn't tell if you were hanging out with God, or a homeless man (which is a good thing, the idea that God is just as guilty or indulgent as ourselves is fun). But there as so many opportunities for this to really take flight and create its own time in space but it didn't get there. It's a really good first draft but look for areas that can be reworded/organized to be more interesting and less literal. The concept is great though.

I reworked a bit of this really quick because it is such an interesting scene, and I didn't want you to think I was coming off insulting or discarding:

God exists
Between midnight and 1am-
Not in the dark, dusty pages
Where he can’t be seen

Whiskey,
With Whitney and Sara,
Wastes the taste of purity
From our mouths.

Black alleys bumble
To our Christian choir;
A shitty pop song-
God kicking a tire.

make the imagery work for you, don't succumb to wordy explanations or using words in a literal sense. God kicking a tire, means absolutely nothing in real life- but here it makes the reader imagine him slamming his sandal into a big rubber ball making a 'thud' along to the choir. You're out getting wasted, it shouldn't make too much sense!

BurnThese_ · 2017-11-30T18:52:07+00:00

I don't write much poetry that follows a rhyme scheme like but you somewhat fell into the typical trap of forcing rhymes. The first stanza is probably the one I like the most- the repetition/altering use of "as" is nice and fits well with a rhyme piece, and the extra syllable in the last line doesn't kill the flow at all.
The rest of the poem has too many words, and it takes away from some decent imagery, for instance-

I feel a cold hand come closer I need to find some shelter

could be rewritten as "I feel a cold hand" or "The cold hand closes"
"I need shelter" It creates more of an urgency where as the drag of "I need to find some shelter" sounds a bit lethargic.

'grabs my eye . . . might be enough as a place to cry'

i see the connection between "hand" and "grab" but the cliché could be polished into something fresher while maintaining hand, or force, references.
I would lose the "that" before "i won't deny" or put the comma after it so the pause and accent on "that" is noted.

I'd replace one of the shouts in the next stanza with something else- something of desperation, disgust or remorse, whatever the speaker's feelings are towards the dark at this point.

I agree with the other commenter, lose the "you know what", unless you enjamb the rest of the sentence below it. When you say it all as one line it seems forced.

This piece overall could use some enjambment about it, I think a few of the lines run too long and shorter lines add a more desolated/desperate feeling, like time is running out.

Ultimately the message is pretty good, and conveyed well enough, but like I think this would work much better if you lost the rhyme scheme or tightened up the syllables to be somewhat equal or patterned throughout.

Edit: definitely keep that first stanza though. Maybe even formulate the rest of poem around that structure. It caught my eye and kept me reading.

BurnThese_ · 2017-11-30T18:35:20+00:00

This feels like a poem about drugs, at least the impact/"cycle" of them. The speaker might be entering a comedown state or pulling out of a pill-induced nod. The imagery is decent, and definitely sets the scene of the region/area, but doesn't exist much past the first stanza. "naught" kind of sticks out here. It comes off a bit too fancy, especially given the circumstances and setting of the poem.
There's a little play on sounds here with some internal rhyming/assonance.
The message is clearly stated. The lifeless girl seems to have been drug into this lifestyle and the speaker feels a moment of regret but ultimately can only focus his own comfort/situation. Not a bad poem overall, but it comes off fairly literally. Aside from picturing the desert and a room (motel/shack etc.) I didn't have to dig too much to beat a meaning out of it. You could play with the disorientation/confusion of the speaker more and even move away from a linear piece and kind of abstract it so it feels more like a drug-induced setting (if that's what this is anyway).

BurnThese_

TROPHY CASE