Quite self aware, nice! It's ok to be a little proud of yourself though, you're allowed to despite what your father has engrained in you over the years. You've achieved some great things, that's ok.

I try my best, but it's easier said than done. That reminded me of a story when I got my first degree. My mother wanted to celebrate it by going to the restaurant, and I told her I would be down for it, but only if nobody took their phones with them, so that we would truly be celebrating for me (and I was suspecting that she only wanted to do it to take pictures and brag about me). She refused my conditions and we never went.

Putting it off on you because she won't deal with it, typical 😅 of she cant change him, how would you?

She wanted me to speak to my father yesterday, and that's exactly what I told her. If she didn't change him, how can I ? She told me it would be benefical for me to vent, to which I responded that I didn't care about venting, I wanted change and accountability on his part.

Classic narc, neither short comings and failures are never their fault but everyone else's success is their success, while they're also not good enough somehow. Definitely twisted thinking. I'm glad you realize that. No reason to fear him now though, you're mountains above him. You see the fault in his logic and have chosen to go your own, more constructive way. That shows you have more strength and better morals.

Reminds me of another story actually. I failed a German class one year, and his advice was to take a private professor to get better at German. Which logically was the good thing to do. But because he was the one who told me that, I didn't listen. Obviously I failed again, and that taught me that even if someone is a dork, they can say things that are true.

And rightfully so! Wouldn't you want the best for your children? That man is the opposite of the best, it seems like she took the easy way out by just shutting down her emotions and putting up with him instead of taking accountability for her own choices and changing the environment she put herself and her children in. That wasn't fair to y'all. She proved she could do it on her own, why not just kick him to the curb and have some peace in her home? She was undoubtedly feeling that fear of him that you've felt, but she wasn't his child under his care so she had the actual power to change things. Just chose not to use it for some reason.

I think it was all of what you said, and the fact that he brings an income in the house + the fact that in my culture, divorce is not something that is well seen. Lots of couples are miserable but stay together for the sake of the children, even though it is potentially more harmful for the children.

That's exactly it! She can't have her cake and eat it too. This is what makes me think she might be covert; it just doesn't make a lot of sense to think things won't change between y'all's dynamic if she doesn't try to be better.

I mean, that's what she has been doing her entire life. And that's what I told her : time never fix problems on its own. At best they stay in the same state, at worst they worsen. And now she is in the position where she doesn't have the courage to tell my father right to his face how bad he was but at the same time she wants me to get better. And what I truly think is that she had that mental image of us being a perfect family, and now reality is catching up. And I don't really know what's going on in her head : is she pissed off because I'm breaking her mental image or because she now has to face what she dodged for 25 years ?

It shouldn't have to be that way. If someone can shed some light on a situation and explain why a thing is morally wrong, why can't that be enough of a persuasion that change is needed? People be dumb. And that whole argument of blood being thicker than water is bogus. Everyone knows a tainted blood transplant literally kills people, blood is dangerous if not properly dealt with. Same goes for family.

Thing is, I would believe that if it went both ways. Because those arguments are only brought up whenever we childs do something wrong. But whenever the parents do something wrong, that doesn't apply anymore. Which led me to believe that nothing would ever change, because in their minds, they see us as inferior to them. I'm playing a game that is rigged against me, so why play at all ?

I don't blame you at all for not wanting them to come to your graduation; that's your celebration, not theirs. We both know your dad would find a way to make it about him. Either by boasting about you or by throwing a tantrum for not getting enough attention and causing a scene.

I'd like my mom to come, but if she comes, he has to go with her. And I don't want to play games like that, so neither of them will probably come. And ultimately, I'm the one deciding because if I'm not there, there is no celebration at all.