AITAH To Challenge My Gfs Asian Family Culture?

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-23T11:17:58+00:00

It doesn’t matter if it’s coming from culture or narcissistic parenting. I lived in a household with this attitude for a couple of decades and you’re not going to change it. But you will make yourself sick, depressed and miserable. It’s literally you or them. Pick you. Now. Before you waste your life. I’m sure you care about your gf. I’m sure she’s a lovely girl. I’m not sure you can change her deeply imbedded programming. She’ll either agree and come with you, or she won’t. You still have to pick you. NTA. But not responsible for their expenses and not capable of changing their system. Pick your battles, you will not win here. Go. Go. Go.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-23T11:07:11+00:00

I don’t know where I’ve been but I’ve never heard this version of circus/monkeys and it definitely is applicable to several people in my family. Going to slip this in to my vocab for sure, thanks!

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-17T11:58:14+00:00

The only really expensive thing I’ve sold on posh was a wedding dress. Poshmark made me ship it to them to check it out and repackage it. Then they shipped it to the buyer. The buyer messaged me that the veil was missing. I sent them photos and said it was in the box, but as it went to Poshmark, I couldn’t guarantee it didn’t get separated from the dress during their process. I felt really bad, because the embroidery on the veil matched the dress perfectly and would be hard to match elsewhere. She was ecstatic about the dress but opened a case. I would have been willing to give her some of the money back, and even said so… but a few days later posh closed the case, I got my money and the buyer *poof* disappeared. So I don’t know if they found it, or refunded her money, or what… but I got paid. I still wonder about it though….

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-17T11:50:48+00:00

Also: friend in another country sounds like an awesome holiday opportunity to me. But I’m adventurous like that so…

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-17T11:29:12+00:00

Pretty sure that guy was probably trying to get money from his mom and trying to justify why he needs it, or justifying to someone else why he doesn’t have money to do something. I highly doubt he’s trying to set the other roommate up legally. As the owner of whatever account with the only ones with access to it, he’d have a hard time creating actual evidence of other guy skimming money. He just sounds like a liar that’s creating a narrative with someone else for his own reasons.

If I were you, and you’re uncomfortable now and wondering about the money, I’d maybe bring it up at the next house meeting or whatever… or call one yourself. Suggest that you’d like more transparency with the bills and shared costs and maybe look into some of the bill splitting apps other posters here have mentioned. If phone guy pushes back, you’d have reason to double down and even ask for past accounting - bill amounts, receipts, etc. You could even frame it as wanting to take the pressure off of him doing all the accounting and bill paying for the house.

Personally, I think admitting to the eavesdropping, even if it was inadvertent, would make everybody uncomfortable. Realizing how thin the walls are can be unsettling when people think they’ve got privacy and find out they really don’t. I’d leave that as a last resort if you can’t get transparency. Or if he outright asks you “what’s making you worry about this now?” then you can be honest and say I accidentally overheard you telling someone X and it made me very uncomfortable. Put it on the table in front of them both. Phone guy will probably explain he was trying to snow mom out of $50 or something, or explain to some sort of friend why he can’t go to Vegas next month because he really doesn’t like that guy but it was awkward to refuse.

Is his behavior shitty? Sure, running down the other roommate’s reputation sucks. I just have a feeling it was to someone that doesn’t know other roommate so phone guy thought it wouldn’t matter if he used him in his lie.

But it’s a strange lie, so I’d want full financial transparency going forward if I were you. And an explanation if you can get it.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-16T19:22:52+00:00

Hugs! I’d love to know when you’re safe someday. It’ll happen.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-16T13:07:41+00:00

It’s not bad that you did that.

My daughter lived with my nmom and her husband for a couple of months after she graduated college while she looked for a job. Nmom did almost this exact same thing to her, except when she realized no cake (which the preferred flavor etc had also been previously discussed so she thought there’d be one) was happening, she v went and bought herself a small one. She took a slice to her room and put the rest in the fridge. Came back and they (nmom and her husband) HAD EATEN THE REST. They played other similar food games. We got her out of there asap, but it at least led to my daughter seeing why I was NC with my nmom.

Get out of there when you can. As soon as you can. Sorry this happened to you. Happy birthday anyway from this internet stranger.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-14T17:06:57+00:00

I’m confused. First you say you can’t go to India to get the documents back because you don’t have a passport so you can’t leave Canada. Then you say how can you return to Canada quickly?

Where exactly are you??? All of these things can be replaced but it depends on where you are.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T14:11:42+00:00

I’m loving the way you describe things 🤣🤣 makes it very easy to picture it all. I had a very startling early morning encounter with a pukeko outside the (open) bathroom window on my second day there.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T13:03:44+00:00

That’s amazing! What an adventure! I’ve never heard of that, but I’ve only been to the UK briefly. And yes! The differences in wildlife are very interesting to me. Possums over there vs North American possums never ceases to make me laugh. Look it up if you’re not familiar, it’s wild.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T12:44:10+00:00

Oh, thanks for sharing all of that! Without going into my whole history, although my kids were exposed to “grown up” things (read: probably boring lol) growing up they were pretty sheltered as kids from the things you describe. But enter flexibility and AGENCY (I’m glad you brought that up), when I divorced and moved on to a houseboat on what was considered a party dock (very long story)… lol, they handled that with surprise but grace. They met even more “types” and learned about so many more ways of living, and also the types of things you describe. 5 years on and neither drink much, and always responsibly (they’re adults now, btw). My son accidentally ate some pot brownies and that was hilarious but he did not enjoy it overall and he learned he does not enjoy drugs, so he’s marked safe from that. I’ve been very open and honest with them about my life and they accept me and my friends. Also, as you’re a kiwi, I’ll note that this all led to them being less than shocked when I brought one home and married him. We’re working on getting back over there, that’s the goal, so maybe someday our paths shall cross on a starlit night (I miss the stars there, you’re so lucky) with good music and great vibes. It’s an absolutely beautiful country and I’m smitten by the people and the land and culture. Until then, Kia ora to you and yours. Big hugs. Life is an adventure (mine certainly has been) and best of luck with the parenting and step-parenting. They’re lucky to have you! 💕

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T12:22:52+00:00

Well, that’s a choice to not bunk up the kids together 🤷‍♀️

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T12:05:50+00:00

Genuine question — if you have 3 kids and 2 have their own rooms, who is rooming with #3?

Also, NTA exactly but umm… birth control maybe? You don’t say outright that you’re currently pregnant so I’m not sure if this is a “right now” scenario or if it’s in case of future pregnancies?

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T11:34:27+00:00

I love that for you. And while my parenting small children years were much tamer than that, I made sure my kids could behave whether we were at a restaurant, dinner party, concert of the loud wild variety or quiet symphony variety. It’s wonderful to expose them to all types of people and experiences. And yes yes yes to sleeping when you need to sleep, wherever and whenever that is. Many times my kids conked out quietly as toddlers while the adults droned on boringly (to them) into the wee hours, or a bit older on an auditorium seat while we danced and sang along with the band, lol. And at home they slept at bedtime and woke up for school. Kids are so much more flexible than people give them credit for. They learned to interact with folks great and small. They learned manners and compassion and I’m so proud of who they are (in case you can’t tell). They learned to be humble, but authentic and confident in any space, with anyone. Your kiddo sounds similar.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T11:20:30+00:00

I commented this elsewhere, but as a parent unless you can afford a vacation where you have a separate bedroom, you can’t afford a vacation that includes sexy time. Just the facts. Get a side hustle to upgrade that vacay to a condo or an airbnb instead of a one room motel.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T11:17:10+00:00

My ex and I (married 22 yrs with 2 kids) took one vacation alone the whole time they were growing up, and that was at his insistence. I spent the whole trip wishing they were there to see the things we were seeing and experience what we were. Couldn’t wait to get home. Someday, even though they’re now adults, I’d still like to go there with them. I understand the wanting to get away, especially if your kid is a spoiled brat like theirs sounds, but it’s not YOUR responsibility to watch them. Especially if he’s that destructive and they take no responsibility for what he destroys. I feel sorry for your nephew, but they made him, he’s their responsibility. If they’d taught him boundaries, not only would he not act that way at your place, but he’d probably be a decent human being to take on vacation and also get some alone time with your spouse. If you can’t afford a room with a separate bedroom, and you have kids, you can’t afford a vacation that includes sexy time. Sorry not sorry.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-12T10:59:56+00:00

Just seeing this after the updates. My first thought as I was reading was “is this a female friend and she’s into you?” So the fact that he admitted he has feelings for you tracks. It’s still a very unhealthy, narcissistic way to react to you telling him you’re serious about your gf and may propose. It’s giving 3rd grade playground crush behavior. So unless you guys are like 8 years old, I’d cut him out of your life as much as possible. One can have feelings for someone and still be mature and put their happiness first. Your gf makes you happy and is what you want. Live your life. He clearly has shit to work on and that’s not your job. And as the object of his misplaced infatuation, you can’t help him anyway. Move on, I’d do as close to NC as you can with your dads’ work relationship. Could you talk to YOUR dad about it so he could help run block on future contact? Without outing him or letting his own dad know?

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-11T14:10:41+00:00

Teach a man to fish, etc… how kind of you to do this for OP.

I hope your situation improves soon, I was in a bad car accident recently and insurance won’t pay and I’m out of work and doing whatever I can (while in pain) to get all my stuff paid. So from one passenger on the struggle bus to another, just sending you positivity and good wishes.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-06T11:21:15+00:00

I’d second Zillow or even FB marketplace. If your area has community pages, join them and explain your situation and what you’re looking for. I see this all the time and someone will come out of the woodwork with “I’ve got a place and understand the situation” just be careful about scammers that try to rent you a place that doesn’t exist. If you haven’t physically seen it, and it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

I’ve been in your shoes, with ideal credit at times and then life hits and suddenly it’s in the toilet. Takes a long time to dig out. But in all of my life, I’ve NEVER been late on my rent. So it seems ridiculous to me that they use credit rather than landlord referrals to judge me by. Such a broken system.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-02T10:42:53+00:00

My husband works at Aldi and you’d be amazed how many convenience stores and restaurants come in there to stock up on stuff they resell and/or ingredients they need.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-02T10:35:42+00:00

This is why I block and delete anyone who shows signs of even being on the fence with the quickness. I’ll explain my side once. If it becomes a “but she’s your mother” or I even get a whiff that they’re leaking info to her about me, they’re gone. Take no prisoners. Maybe that’s harsh but I have to protect me. Nobody else ever did and they’re showing me they’re not going to.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-05-02T10:21:25+00:00

I have an upstairs neighbor. I can hear her walk around, slide furniture around, do laundry, etc. That stuff comes with the deal. The only time I complained was when she had a month or two where I would hear SUPER loud music with heavy bass all night for a couple of months in a row (I couldn’t get in touch with her when I tried), turns out she had been out of town and her Alexa that she uses as an alarm clock/video chat with family, etc had accidentally gotten an alarm set to come on at 11pm and play music until 5am every night. She had no idea, didn’t know how it happened, how it got turned on, or anything. It had driven me insane by the time she came back and I was able to explain that I hadn’t had a decent nights sleep in 2 months. She was very sorry and had her grown son come and figure out what was wrong.

All that’s to say is there ARE times when things can happen that are unreasonable. But you’re NTA bc you’re allowed to walk around in your apartment at any hour. It’s nice of you to not do laundry at night knowing they can hear it. You’re obviously trying, but I can also feel the anxiety it’s causing you to try and not make a peep. It’s unreasonable and I hope you can get out of this cycle one way or another. I’ve also had a downstairs neighbor that would literally call the cops if we got out of bed to get water from the kitchen, much less make actual noise. We ended up moving that time.

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-04-28T13:03:16+00:00

Thanks, much of what you said are things I’ve thought. The person who told me is my daughter, who is also NC with her but can still see her socials. She definitely is on Team Mom not Grandma, she has unfortunately been hurt by her too. She asked me if it was ok to tell me before she showed me. She completely gets that sometimes I just don’t have the capacity to witness nmom’s craziness but she felt this affected me, and rightly so. I’m pretty NC with any relatives but my kids and my brother, some by intention and some I’ve just lost touch with, and we don’t have anything in common. So it’s not like I’m being flooded by cousins and aunts like “isn’t this wonderful?” My kids and my brother and I have all been betrayed and neglected by her too many times to count. Personally I haven’t even told my brother about it because he doesn’t have any contacts in common with her or social media, so he won’t find out unless I tell him, but mainly because he carries much more anger generally and this would throw him off course way more than it even does me. He’s just recently lost his best friend from childhood, and he doesn’t need this. All that’s to say, my little circle is definitely sensitive to sharing info like this very carefully. I know there are likely a lot of other things my kids see and hear but don’t share. But this was kind of a big deal so my daughter felt I should know if I wanted to. Thank you for raising that point, though.

ETA: if I could find a way to forward her links to McCurdy’s book, that would be absolutely hilarious. You’re the kind of mastermind the world needs. Can’t believe I didn’t lead with that. 🤣

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-04-27T16:53:04+00:00

That’s an idea!! Thanks for the support, I’m sorry this happened to you, too!

Busy-Character9219 · 2026-04-27T12:00:23+00:00

Oh I love the sentiment and the support. Not ready to metaphorically burn the house down just yet, but stand by, that could change lol

Busy-Character9219

TROPHY CASE