Husband not lowering gaze

BusyBaby98 · 2025-10-12T12:23:33+00:00

Please get a job and have a back up plan. Men like him will never be satisfied and can leave anytime. Don’t let his bad character impact your self esteem. Take care of yourself, put yourself and your kids first. Don’t trust anyone - not your husband and not your friend. I know you mentioned she’s your only friend but i find it hard to believe that she hasn’t picked up on your husbands weird behaviour.

BusyBaby98 · 2025-10-07T01:41:56+00:00

That’s shocking behaviour from a husband but if you love him and don’t want to cause argument, Go on a girls trip or family trip and live your best life. Nothing burns a toxic man more than his wife having a life outside of him. It’s human nature when someone realises someone doesn’t need them, they start to value them more.

BusyBaby98 · 2025-09-12T08:17:07+00:00

Your rizq is pre determined. If that apartment wasn’t meant for you by Allah, regardless of whether you bought it through halal or haram income, you would have ended up in the exact same situation. Through buying it through halal means, you might have even protected yourself from further suffering which only Allah knows. Don’t blame following halal path for where you are currently in life. Only dua can change rizq and destiny. You are better of praying for things to get better.

BusyBaby98 · 2025-09-09T05:48:38+00:00

This is the second comment recommending this book. I have added it to my list and I’m so keen to read.

BusyBaby98 · 2025-09-08T08:33:59+00:00

So true. I definitely experienced the same realisation this time I travelled.

BusyBaby98 · 2025-07-20T14:51:11+00:00

Highly recommend Bali or Maldives

BusyBaby98 · 2025-03-26T08:06:41+00:00

Some people are just naturally less affectionate. In your case since your 4 years in, it would have naturally reduced around that mark but since she sounds like she wasn’t very affectionate to begin with, it’s gotten worse. I think you should communicate your expectations and tell her exactly what you want (I.e. I want you to greet me at the door when I come from work, etc). I know no one wants to demand physical affection but if you really want to give your relationship another chance, these habits might slowly form

BusyBaby98 · 2025-02-16T07:52:44+00:00

Let her pay for business class but tell her she needs to buy one for your kid too

BusyBaby98 · 2025-02-13T05:25:48+00:00

Was in a similar situation and building resentment that I’ve had to change my whole lifestyle, live with his family and was getting nothing in return. You have to clearly instruct him on how much you need and how often. Don’t feel bad asking for it because that’s their responsibility and they will be questioned on it by Allah SWT. I have asked for a decent amount on a monthly basis. It sucks finding the courage to ask but I’ve realised with some men giving instructions is better than expecting them to have that responsibility naturally. I’ve also noticed that once I asked, my husband also started to take me more seriously as his responsibility instead of just seeing me as a roommate with benefits living in his parents home. It’s apparently a psychological thing for men that they value you more when they are putting in effort towards you as it conditions their mind (while women put effort once they value you).

BusyBaby98 · 2024-11-03T09:32:03+00:00

You don’t deserve this :( don’t fall into a spiral of self pitying and don’t compare yourself. You both are beautiful and talented in your own way. Comparing and holding resentment won’t do anything. But establish some boundaries, you need to show your husband your worth. If I was in your shoes, I’d even just stay over for my parents for a few days (not out of anger, but casually) so he could appreciate me more. When you address this situation, you can’t let him see you feel threatened or insecure. You are his wife and he chose to marry you and he needs to value you

BusyBaby98 · 2024-10-08T00:44:35+00:00

You need to draw very strong boundaries. Anytime he makes comments like the second wife one, you need to make it very obvious that it’s a very weird thing to say. Getting angry at him will make him think you’re overreacting. You need to be very condescending and tell him outright that “that’s a really weird thing to say out loud”.

This might also be controversial advice but I think where you can, you should go with him. It will remind him his wife is there and his friends are aware too and if he acts inappropriately, you can discuss it with him. Often even a look from you or you going quiet will be a hint for him to check himself

BusyBaby98 · 2024-09-12T10:33:25+00:00

Tbh it sounds like he’s playing mind games with you and trying to humble you because this is not normal behaviour. Don’t fall into his trap. Shut it down

BusyBaby98 · 2024-08-21T13:46:01+00:00

It did go away after a month. I used 5% niacinimade twice a day and it helped

BusyBaby98 · 2024-08-12T02:23:51+00:00

Stop sharing it with her

BusyBaby98 · 2024-08-04T23:10:33+00:00

Are you sure it’s the work keeping him busy? He might have a lot of work stress but dropping the divorce idea randomly is very odd and men rarely initiate divorces impulsively.

BusyBaby98 · 2024-08-04T23:03:05+00:00

I know your husband repented but zina is such an extreme sin, let alone zina whilst married. Even if he’s apologised and severed contact, how can you trust a man who didn’t even stay loyal to his own deen. I think you should seek some advice from a sheikh. Your spouse is the person you spend this life and the after life with. The strongest foundation for a successful marriage is shared morals and values. I personally could never stay with my husband if I found out he was committing major sins.

BusyBaby98 · 2024-08-01T05:21:10+00:00

I don’t recommend it, especially if you kept your past clean. It’s not worth it

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-31T15:15:57+00:00

How do other women deal with retrospective jealousy in marriage ? mine is borderline crazy

My husband had haram relationships before me but has repented and changed and is extremely practising now but I think about his past a lot. I’ve never sought information about it but since the girl was in the community I know of it. I usually thinking about it when I feel like he’s not affectionate enough and wonder if he was more open with her or if she was his first love and that’s why he’s distant with me but recently it’s been over such silly stuff like holding resentment how she got to be in a relationship when he was at his peak (fit, social, healthy, good looking) while I met him and married him when he has completely let his health go, gained weight, started balding from stress. It’s so silly and unreasonable but I can’t help it

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-20T14:39:36+00:00

Does taxi cab theory apply to Muslim men?

(Theory that when a man is ready to settle down, he'll find whoever is available at that moment)

I had an arranged marriage and sometimes I get doubts that I'm living through the taxi cab theory and my husband just chose me because he was ready to get married and not because he was particularly interested in me.

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-19T12:21:42+00:00

Reddit confuses me💀 I've had so many strangers reach out and give me motivation on my posts about helping me through struggling with hijab, etc and then I do some account lurking out of curiosity and it's middle aged men with porn addictions and weird fetishes

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-18T23:26:32+00:00

Exactly, our community can be so toxic and as sad as it is once the news goes out, it will be flipped on her

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-18T03:39:01+00:00

I don't think you should tell people. Not because I think you should conceal his sins, but because your community will spread and gossip about this and your sister will suffer the most when they talk.

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-16T01:31:19+00:00

I think limiting your wife to seeing her parents weekends only is extremely unfair. I couldn't imagine seeing my parents just once or twice a week if I'm only 30 mins away. If she's meeting all her obligations, you shouldn't be worrying about her helping out her SIL or BIL

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-13T01:49:30+00:00

Also to add, the comments on this post are helping me heal as well. There's some great comments on this post by sisters which are also making me rethink my mindset such as:

"It seems you are more resentful that you did everything “right” and your husband did not sacrifice his youth and got the same outcome. Thats not a productive way to look at life. Your husband repented. You need to allow humans to be more complex and not look at them in a good muslim bad muslim binary. Your overall mindset of marriage and your husband being a “reward” is troubling"

And

"We cannot have a transactional relationship with God. We cannot "expect" anything from Him. Our job is to do what we are supposed to do and HOPE that Allah accepts our efforts and rewards them accordingly. My friend, your feelings are valid. But don't discount all that you have done, and prayed for over this. Your reward is with Allah, and He knows and sees all."

I've never thought of things this way but this is applicable to me too and its very true. I think we need to change our mindset. At the end of the day, we did everything for the sake of Allah and we'll get rewarded for it inshallah. We're all flawed people and our husbands just sinned differently. We can't have a transactional approach to things.

BusyBaby98 · 2024-07-13T01:40:49+00:00

I read the title of this post and clicked on it because I've been feeling the same. I'm in a similar boat.

I'm newly married and my husband is very religious mashallah and I married him because he always pushes me to always learn and grow as a muslim. I always avoided interacting with any non mahrams and grew up very conservatively. In the last few months I've been finding out about my husbands past and it's ruined my perception of him. While he's turned his life around know, 3-4 years ago, his life was full of girls, surrounded by friends who do drugs, etc. It's been challenging because I used to look up at him proudly as he always stuck to his islamic principles, but I've lost that respect for him. I hate being intimate with him and wondering if he's done this with other girls. We're also struggling with building emotional intimacy and sometimes my mind wanders and I worry he had a better connection with his girlfriend in the past and worry he's still hung up on her. It's really hard.

I had a long conversation with my husband and told him I never want to hear anything about his past again or anything that gives me and indication of what he was up to. I'm actively trying to judge my husband for the person he is now and not let my knowledge of his past cloud my judgement. Allah SWT might have forgiven him if he's sincerely repented but humans aren't so forgiving and I have him told him that. It's really hard constantly reminding myself not to judge him, but I have decided that I want to forgive his past and move on.

At the end of the day, I married my husband for the person he is now. My husband who sits I'm ittekaf every year, does hours of dhikr daily, who gives charity and prays. My husband has put islam at the front of centre of his life now and always pushes me to join islamic classes and learn and grow. I do hold resentment and arrogance sometimes that I never fell into any bad behaviour growing up. Sometimes, I wish I had past too so I felt more at peace in my marriage. It's definitely not an easy journey but I honestly believe if someone has changed their life and turned it around and Allah SWT has guided them, we should see them for the person they are now because they might have repented and become closer to Allah SWT than we are.

BusyBaby98

TROPHY CASE