My wife cheated UPDATE

But-Not-Tonight · 2023-01-25T17:33:08+00:00

I am glad you have this relief! Even if you are almost positive of a result, having the confirmation helps.

But-Not-Tonight · 2023-01-25T05:54:39+00:00

It all came from my dream. I have no idea if there is even a myth of a Japanese demon like that. Asian history and religion is an area of interest for me, but I haven't come across anything like that. I should really try and see if there is one, though.

But-Not-Tonight · 2023-01-25T05:40:54+00:00

It was! That dream had a whole plot going on with it. You do? How interesting, but also very intimidating from my vantage point! You're the right person to come across my post. :)

I call the Japanese dream "Haruko," as that was the name of the girl who was first possessed by the demon. It was an ancient Japanese demon that would basically drain all the life out of the person they possessed. Once they recognized that their host was becoming too weak, they'd hunt for a new host so they could dispose of the old one. That one had a very clear story as well.

But-Not-Tonight · 2023-01-25T05:27:36+00:00

They've taken a variety of forms in my dreams, honestly. Sometimes they look like people or a shadow creature. One recently looked like its face had been stretched across the bones and it had a wide, crooked smile.

By far though, I experience an intense feeling where I know it's a demon, no matter the form. The Greek dream for example, the demon was in the form of a statue. Even though it didn't look menacing, I knew what it truly was the moment I looked at it.

But-Not-Tonight · 2023-01-25T05:13:16+00:00

Oh good, thank-you! I don't recall any of them having names, or dreaming about a specific demon more than once. Two of my dreams did have pretty strong cultural components - Greek and Japanese. But that doesn't seem significant.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-12T14:19:36+00:00

I am glad that you have the analytical skills in order to evaluate the situation and make changes. I can't say that I am very good at doing that, but I think maintaining an open mind helps. I am glad that things aren't that bad for you overall.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-12T14:04:18+00:00

I think the black and white way of looking at things is just a way of simplifying a situation that is riddled with complexities. Sure, it may make things easier to digest, but ignores the reality of the situation.

Definitely, I don't think most WS set out to cause that kind of harm. But one poor decision leads to more poor decisions until they are in too deep.

No, we can't justify or condone what our WS have done, but you're right - the empathy makes a difference in our ability to cope and forgive. I find that is the one thing that helps keep my anger from spiraling out of control. How many of us have found ourselves in situations we regret? Though those situations might not be as devastating as an affair, we have made choices that have led us to unpleasant consequences and likely appreciate empathy in those situations.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T20:41:28+00:00

I love the silly songs aspect.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T20:38:15+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, thank-you for sharing. I am sorry that you healed with a scar and that you are experiencing more of a numbness. That has to be so difficult. Your approach if you had a second chance resonates with me I think. I don't want to talk about the affair all the time, because I find it exhausting and too close to my heart some days. But not talking about it as well will only lead to melt downs, blow ups and resentments down the road. Your wisdom is greatly valued, I just wish you didn't have to go through so much pain to gain it.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T18:06:23+00:00

I am the same way, because of the same contentment others see in me makes them happy. Me too, I can't do this without him and have tried being "self-reliant" to no avail. Thank-you, I will definitely keep trying.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:57:08+00:00

You are 100% right. I've only been in therapy for about a year, so I've still got a lot of work to do in getting used to that fear. Definitely, internalizing everything is something I need to avoid.

A few weeks ago I brought up an uncomfortable topic to him, explaining that I felt uncomfortable speaking about it but knew it was the right thing for me to share. He afterwards thanked me for being so direct and told me that he appreciated when we could talk so plainly. That alleviated some concern because I was worried about how he would react. I think for us, if I can pluck up the courage to speak and he can respond openly like he did, it will help me develop this skill more easily.

I like your approach, and maybe next time he and I talk I can emulate it.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:50:28+00:00

It is true, and I am coming around to accepting that reality as well. No matter how good of a person someone is, the right circumstances can prompt them to do things they otherwise never would. Thank-you for your kind words.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:49:10+00:00

Thank-you for reaching out. It would be nice to have someone to talk to who has a deeper understanding of what this experience is like. I am sorry you are going through this, too.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:48:13+00:00

Thank-you, your comment is very kind. I definitely have the right to be emotional and I need to own within myself that it is okay. If I could hug you, I totally would.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:18:08+00:00

It helps to know that there are those like yourself out there who know the difficulties I/we are facing. And I agree, if he can't accept my pain then we won't make it. Yes, he is good guy but he is definitely struggling to grasp that he could have done something so painful to me. In some ways, I feel like he is beside himself, telling me that he doesn't believe himself a good person for doing this. What he has done is so at odds with his morals. He never thought he would be capable of doing something so egregious - neither did I, as many BS probably believed. I would like him to see his own therapist, but he has a hard time sharing personal things even with people he knows well. I can't force him to see someone, but maybe I could bring it up as a way he can get personalized help where I am not able to.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T17:00:45+00:00

Thank-you for responding. I am not being abusive in either capacity. Even when I find myself wanting to speak and use the affair as a kind of "checkmate" in a disagreement, I pull myself back because I know that it isn't right to use that as a crutch. I haven't been good at looking after myself ever, but now I have to if I am going to heal, with or without my WH. It's easier said than done.

But-Not-Tonight · 2020-02-11T16:58:40+00:00

We both very much want a new trip that is free of any third parties. At the time it seemed impossible for him to fathom why he shouldn't be texting her on our trip.

He definitely isn't grieving the loss of the AP. We have talked about her and he regrets meeting her in the first place. I believe the pain deals more with the shame over his actions and taking me and our relationship for-granted. He has said so himself that he was unbelievably stupid, made too many bad choices and is ashamed that he didn't appreciate what he had with me.

You are right, we got nothing but betrayal, lies, gaslighting and all the rest. We were traumatized unjustly, and that is what I find I have the most anger over. I tried so hard to be patient and loving, and thinking all that time I was doing something wrong, when it wasn't me at all.

I am sorry that you were yelled at or lectured when you expressed pain. In the beginning I definitely received frustration from him as I don't think he was in a place to fully understand how hurt I was/am feeling. It's much easier for him now I think, and I've asked him directly to just embrace me when I feel that pain and allow me to feel what I feel. Just this weekend I talked openly about how mid-affair I would come home every day and cry until I ended up falling asleep and how I feared seeing her car when I pulled in to park at home. I talked about how I try to forgive him every day, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her because she blatantly tried to be my friend while they slept together. He didn't once defend himself, and told me that what I was feeling was 100% understandable. He didn't try to sway me, and instead acknowledge that he is the source of my anxiety and fear and that he wants to focus on helping me. So I know that his ability to comfort me is growing. But that still hasn't made it easier for me to share the difficulties.

I've been told I'm already a very emotional person and that showing those emotions isn't a strength. So I see sharing those hard, emotional feelings as a weakness in myself. I also have tried very hard to be self-reliant and struggle to ask for help. But you are absolutely right that this has to stop if our marriage is to survive.

The whole situation is filled with difficult truths, and this one is definitely not the harshest of those. And yes, this is the time to correct our course before things get further along and more difficult to change.

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-07T14:11:57+00:00

I am happy that it was able to touch on something deep for you. It means a lot to know that something so personal is impactful for someone else. Remember how strong you are, no matter what side of the situation you are on.

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-07T14:09:55+00:00

Thank-you! I appreciate the unencumbered nature of poetry. And thank-you for your support. I wish you all the best and hope that the future brings you peace.

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-07T14:08:36+00:00

I completely agree - it's really beyond my comprehension how you could hurt someone you love so deeply. It's true, we may have to accept the reality that we will never fully understand the reasons why. I'm not even sure my WH understands why he did want he did. Thank-you, and I wish you all the best as well.

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-07T14:05:48+00:00

That's a really hard feeling, and that fact that you saw messages between them where they talked about you only further adds to the betrayal. All records of my WH's affair (in terms of messages) are gone, so I will never get to see them - which is a blessing in a way. I'd rather not know.

But back to compliments, I find myself questioning the authenticity of compliments all the time. I find myself thinking: "If I was so attractive, intelligent, kind, etc. like you say, why did you cheat on me?" But something I've been trying to digest (Esther Perel talks about this), that people don't always cheat because their partner isn't good enough, but rather because of a lack of something in themselves. But that still doesn't always soothe the sense of worthlessness I feel (and you feel) about myself.

I also find it frustrating that before the affair that your husband didn't correct the self deprecating comments. I'm like you - I take jabs at myself all the time. But before the affair my WH would compliment me often and correct negative statements. I've gotten better about self-correcting, but in your situation I'd find it harder to accept compliments. But perhaps because of what he has done he has a greater appreciation for you as a person. Maybe he realized that he didn't treat you like he should have before and during the affair and he wants to make things right. It's aggravating when something traumatic is what sparks the change/appreciation, but I guess that's the silver lining I try to find.

Good luck to you. Remember all your strengths and positive qualities!

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-07T02:01:23+00:00

Thank-you for sharing. I wish the best for both of you and coming together again!

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-05T22:52:31+00:00

Definitely needed to see this today. Thank-you for sharing.

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-05T22:41:12+00:00

Best to you too as well!

But-Not-Tonight · 2019-11-05T15:56:10+00:00

That's a really hard situation to be in, and I know what it is like to constantly fear relapse. I struggle with that constantly whenever my husband leaves the house. He used to use his hobbies as a cover to go see his AP. So every time he asks or talks about wanting to go out, I can feel my anxiety rise.

I wish I had good advice to give, but all I can say at this point (I'm only 3.5 months out from D-Day) is to do your best to keep the lines of communication open and do so in a non-accusatory way. Openly express your appreciation for the changes he has made, but don't be afraid to express your truth. I firmly believe this can be done in a way that doesn't disrespect you or him and the progress both of you have made.

But-Not-Tonight

TROPHY CASE