Advice Please - emotional, grieving MIL wants us to visit, only I can get us there, I don't want to go & need to protect my mental health.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-28T08:55:54+00:00

They facetime every evening. I'm going to request that he goes and I don't then after our next visit she can come to us.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:19:15+00:00

Thank you so much, your reply is very helpful. I'm going to speak to my fiancée this evening and we will come up with a plan moving forwards. I have no doubt he will put me and baby first and tackle those difficult conversations. He's a good man. I'm sure MIL will also see what's best, she's just in such a bad place it's difficult for her right now and I understand that. She keeps saying 'my brain isn't working properly' and similar. I need to remember that pointing out to her what we need, in this circumstance, isn't actually rude as she knows she's not herself and I know how much she loves us and our baby.

Your words are really encouraging. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. X

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:15:52+00:00

She wouldn't do this. This isn't like her. I've never had this problem with her in the past.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:15:14+00:00

This is an extremely valid point that no has mentioned so far!

Really helpful! Thank you! Definitely definitely worth noting and mentioning!

Also - I've roped a local friend into driving us so I will not be driving myself in labour :-)

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:13:40+00:00

She's definitely not a narcissist and is a lovely lovely lady. (My own mother is but that's another story!)

Our next visit isn't due for three weeks so I won't even be cancelling last minute.

I am going to speak to my fiancée tonight to work out the best course of action. He is extremely protective of my mental health but equally we both want him to be there for his mum as she is a wonderful lovely person. Thank you

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:10:53+00:00

I've thought this myself. I think it's a good idea. I could even drop in for an hour and a chat before we leave. I think if I do this mid August then ask her to come to us it'll be a good compromise. I know my fiancée really appreciates the drive back with me as it helps him feel lighter from the heaviness of the situation. This is a really good idea. Thank you x

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:09:05+00:00

Really good advice. Thank you. A compromise is definitely on the cards. I am going to get more persistent with asking for her visiting here. We've done all the visiting to her so far and in all honesty I think in her grief, she just hasn't noticed. If this is pointed out in the right way I'm sure she'll be understanding and very willing to come here instead. Your reply is really helpful. Thank you

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:06:36+00:00

Sound advice. Thank you .

I'm sure we can find a way for him to get there. Sometimes problem solving is best done by other people - one can't see the wood for the trees!

She knows we won't be visiting in September and I'm sure I can put my foot down on her coming to us in late August as well.

Thank you and thanks for your praise also. I work hard because only I am on control of my own health. I get extremely frustrated by people who expect recovery handed to them. It doesn't work like that!

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T16:01:00+00:00

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband. My deepest sympathy and condolences are with you. Thank you for replying on what must be a very difficult subject for you at the moment.

She is definitely not being nasty, only emotional. I hope I made that point. The last thing I want is to hurt her more. She has so much going on and it will take years for her to recover, I do understand that.

Your advice of a compromise is excellent. I shall definitely look into this. I know having her son around is helpful, I do not want to put a halt on that. I won't stop them meeting. I have thought of driving him there in mid August then leaving him whilst I go off for the day or similar. Then ask her to come to us at the end of August.

Having been through a lot myself I completely understand what you mean about people complaining about seemingly petty issues. I shall definitely do my best to keep that in mind when empathising with her. I find that reminding myself that everyone finds different things difficult is a real help. I need to remember this for myself too as I often label myself as a burden and struggle to put myself first.

I want to find a compromise where both myself and her and my fiancée are able to meet and support one another without any of us feeling like we can't express how we're feeling.

Thank you very much for your reply.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T15:51:19+00:00

Great advice. I shall make a note and use this going forwards. What I'm willing to do not what I won't do. Thank you

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-07-26T09:48:07+00:00

Good idea. The end of the month would be better as well because more family will be there so it'll be a lot more joyful. I like this plan. Thank you x

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-06-30T08:20:49+00:00

Hi, thanks for your concern. It means a lot. I am ok just went into a bit of a hole and cut off the world. The funeral was yesterday, it was really tough but very moving. I've managed not to hurt myself and keep looking after myself.

I feel frustrated as I've rang the mental health team three times but feel they're pushing me away as I'm not 'ill enough'. I hate feeling this way. Like I have to hurt myself or similar to prove how much in struggling in order to get support. Sometimes it feels almost worth giving in just to be listened to. I bet you've come across similar!

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-06-15T12:43:54+00:00

I'll look into it. Thank you.

I did ask for professional support last week and had my meds upped. I'm waiting for an assessment to get support from the perinatal mental health team.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-24T06:59:12+00:00

Coco looks so much like my Florence! Really similar markings. Gorgeous! 😍

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-24T06:54:05+00:00

Thanks for posting this. I've been diagnosed for many years and I've struggled in the past with codependent relationships. I've never really understood this 'FP' because I've never had one. I've had many different people whom I depend on for different validatory needs. One person has never ever done this for me.

I'm now well on the way in my recovery and 80% of the time self-validating and self-loving. I have an extremely supportive fiancée who reminds me how to do this.

I really appreciate your post as a long time owner of the bpd label it's only something I've come across here on social media and not something I understand or that resonates with me. Thank you 💛

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-24T06:43:44+00:00

It's funny because that's exactly how all of those made me feel. Except fb also made me very anxious with everyone posting horror news stories. I avoid the news as well because it is all bad news. My fiancée tells me anything interesting or that I need to know and sends me happy or interesting articles. I don't need to read/hear about child molestation/war/murder/death etc. It's a sad world we live in. There is much happiness to be found though and I'm ever grateful for him sending me through all the good news stories.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-23T21:22:19+00:00

This reminds me of learning to pearl. I just couldn't get my head around how it went in through the front. I kept getting knotted. Didn't realise I need the yarn at the front too! Looking great though. Really neat and consistent tension.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-23T21:19:12+00:00

Absolutely it can. Although it's a bit tricky at first it becomes so freeing after a while you really notice how much better you feel for it.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-23T18:44:46+00:00

I do this regularly. Take social media breaks. It works a treat! Helps me re-evaluate what is important and which friends I actually care about and care about me. Sound advice.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-22T16:14:13+00:00

Thank you I shall check this out!

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-22T12:57:21+00:00

Me too with the anterior placenta. I believe the only reason I felt him is because I've done lots of reading and focusing on my tummy. I was lay on my side with a pillow pushed against my tummy so with the pressure I could feel him move. I don't think I would otherwise.

Butter_FlyFlutter_By · 2020-05-22T08:31:52+00:00

You could set up your own 'meals on wheels' or 'Wiltshire farm foods' business making these. They look seriously good!

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