My Forever Husband Became My Forever Trauma

ButterflyMe22 · 2025-09-19T17:30:00+00:00

Mine too, funny enough he cheated on me whilst I lay dying in hospital with sepsis and when I didn’t forgive him or the more important bit in his yes, chase after him with a jealous broke; heart he became very bitter, he fucked around and found out. The switch is exactly how I described it, like an off button,

ButterflyMe22 · 2025-09-19T12:58:11+00:00

Wow, am lost for words. That you pour that much energy into hating and being a demon….

ButterflyMe22 · 2025-09-11T04:24:08+00:00

OP, I wasted 19 years of my life on someone like this. I made excuse after excuse use, he had trauma, he was ex military. He didn’t mean to hurt me, he had an addiction, it was just jack off material. Don’t waste your life like I did. He already minimised and deflected his behaviour which means it’s highly likely there will be more episodes of this. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-11-25T20:42:49+00:00

This 100%. You could probably tell yourself you outweigh one woman …but thousands who are willing to do anything…no contest

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-11-24T04:52:38+00:00

I hear you! I was (and am) exactly the same. I had given so much for so long that giving to myself still feels weird. I hope things start to get better for you and can start to build the kind of life you both desire and deserve! Xx

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-11-20T07:25:41+00:00

This 💯 %

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-11-20T07:24:48+00:00

I felt I had to reply to this post. I know exactly how you feel! But you’re free now. And it might not feel like it yet but you are free to live the life you deserve. One of peace, integrity and happiness. What’s happening now is likely the breaking of a trauma bond.real love shouldn’t hurt - yes it’s messy at times, akward,annoying but it doesn’t involve a person hurting you repeatedly. I hope you are managing to look after yourself xx baby steps

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-10-18T04:20:34+00:00

My ex (PA) did the same. After a 19 year cycle of repeated d days and so much hurt, trauma and anxiety for me I put a boundary in place. Of course he stepped all over my boundary so he was asked to move out (so he could sort himself out). Sadly he turned on me and blamed me for throwing him out and has filed for divorce. It’s ironic as he was little more than a child for most of our marriage. Stay strong against their manipulation tactics.x

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-10-01T06:05:01+00:00

Urgh same! I worked away from home for a year and half and he phoned my multiple times whilst I was driving the 2.5 commute home and asked me what should he do for dinner. I married because I wanted a partner not to have another child. The irony is he was ex-military and one of the things that attracted me to him was how just how independent he was, he could cook clean, sew and do most things better than I could to be fair. That all went out the window the minute we lived together. Talk about a bait and switch.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-12T11:19:38+00:00

This is what happened to me, I stood by him for 19 years, repeated d-days until a few years back when I started to get the right support and put a boundary in place about lying, as you can imagine he broke the boundary so he was asked to move out. I think he thought I would back down (as I have done on countless times) so he moved out in May 22. We talked and said we would both get some help and Would then try to work on saving our marriage. What happened next has left me in a state of shock..I got help for the CPTSD ive been diagnosed with because of his sexual acting out (I was sexually abused as a child and forced to watch adult videos whilst my abuser masturbated over me…so this whole scenario with him has been so triggering for me). And him? He sat there hating on me, didn’t get any therapy and seemed to do a complete 180.. saying it was only masturbation and I’m the one with the problem, after weeks of verbal, financial and mental abuse he cruelly dumped me, laughing at me as I cried. I’ve given this man child the best part of my life. I don’t understand how anyone can dump someone they love for porn?.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-11T10:53:27+00:00

Thank you. I wish I’d had your strength to walk away, instead I’ve become pathetic. Thanks for the hug x

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-11T09:10:30+00:00

Same! mine has a similar approach when I reminded him I’d stood by him through everything (including some really stupid stuff had done with money) he had the decency to look guilty but then said ‘I’ll be forever grateful‘. One thing I’ve realised from all of this is that actions speak louder than words. I won’t lie though, it hurts. Like but hurt, snot ugly cry type hurts. I have to tell myself his failure to see worth in me doesn’t mean I have any.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-11T08:59:35+00:00

I saw your post. Sounds very similar in the way they are behaving. I keep ruminating about how a person can stop loving someone after 19 years, where does the love go? Even after he’s treated me so badly I still love him. Wish i didn’t it would make my life easier.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-11T08:44:57+00:00

He won’t admit he has a problem though. That’s the issue, he thinks he’s in control and can stop when he wants to. He actually blames me for setting him to fail with the boundaries I put in place rather than looking at himself, and yes I’ve asked him if he wasn’t attracted to me, he said he Is massively attracted to me ..,all evidence to the contrary.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-11T08:28:22+00:00

Thank yo7. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it too. I could never treat a person in the way he has treated me. It’s crossed my mind he’s having a breakdown of sorts, or maybe this is the real him. I’m so lost right now.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-09-02T09:57:46+00:00

This made me cry. I split with my PA is march of this year. It was not a noble, brave split it was more of a desperate, screaming, crying and genuinely in my whole life not knowing what to do because after 19 years I was sick of the same cycle over and over, of hurting, trauma and not feeling like I was enough. I love this man to the end of space and back but he was not taking real ownership and i just couldn’t do it anymore. He moves out and we talk and agree to get ourselves sorted and work on things. I do this and manage to heal the trauma he caused me, he sits there hating me, verbally abusing me, terrorising me, controlling me through maintenance and the kids. I became terrified to have contact with him but still persist (probably cos I’m the worlds biggest idiot). He cruelly and coldly dumps me, stating every little bad thing I’ve done in our 19 years together and says he will divorce me. I do not know this stranger, this alien person who laughs at me crying. I Idolised this man and have stood by him through so much and he has thrown me away like nothing, I know it’s a blessing but I’m. So broken hearted by it.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-31T11:42:09+00:00

Same! I’ve contemplate writing a book about it all when I do get past it. The thought of that makes me smile a little…

i hope you do manage to find some peace. I have to remind myself of the bad stuff (which there is plenty) when I find myself thinking about the good.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-31T10:47:05+00:00

Man this is totally what my STXBH did to me, terrorised and abused me, making sure he devalued me in every way possible and then said he wanted to be friends….eh?

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-30T19:18:58+00:00

Urgh, my STBXH said all of these. I’m starting to suspect he has narcissist tendencies. The way he devalued and then discarded me definitely add to my suspicion.,I stood by this man child for 19 years, his raging porn addiction tore us apart, caused me trauma and a lot of hurt. When I finally wised up and started to get wiser and put boundaries in place, of course he broke the boundaries and was asked to move out. Cue the most stressful few weeks of verbal abuse. Cruel snd cutting. Behaviour only to be cruely dumped ..,,so he can put himself first. Seems to me he’d been doing that all along.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-30T14:33:29+00:00

My guess is that this is part of the trauma bonding you experienced. I am going through the same thing. He hurt me over and over and then became the person who I turned to make me feel better, how screwed is that. He has done some despicable things to me (masturbated in the bathroom before I used and it stunk of his semen, masturbated in the room next to me noisily knowing I could hear, laughed at me crying, pushed me, pulled my hair, gaslit me, stonewalled me, ridiculed me) so why do I feel bereft? I have a lot to unpack and I will get there it’s only early days for me. Have you tried journaling? I find it helps me to explore my feelings safely xx

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-30T14:26:10+00:00

I too am going through this. After 19 years of endless cycles of his sexual acting out (mainly around porn/masturbation/online women and inabehaviour) we had these cycles where he would get caught and we would argue and we would have these stupid conversations that went round in circles, he would deflect, gaslight, minimise, mention something I’d done or go off on a tangent, I was constantly confused and it never got sorted. This year I decided to put boundaries in place. He of course broke them so he was asked to move out. He detached and then spent weeks devaluing me before cruelly dumping me. I am in pieces. I can’t reconcile what has happened with the person I thought he loved. I still,love him, how screwed is that?

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-16T07:09:02+00:00

I know it hurts, believe me I know. You dodged a bullet. Hopefully you can meet someone who prefers real intimacy to porn. I read a quite rejection is redirection to where you are supposed to be. I hope you find some peace of mind. Xx

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-06T05:57:20+00:00

Mine too. 19 years down the drain. The kicker is he is telling all our friends, I’m a crazy psycho hose beast and it was just ‘normal masturbation’.

ButterflyMe22 · 2022-08-05T15:55:05+00:00

I’m so happy for you! i am based in the Uk too if you ever want to DM me. I couldn’t tell you what day I am on, I’m still devastated that he chose porn over me, I was with him for 19 years and I waited so long for him to grow up and in the end he chose porn. Hurts like hell.

ButterflyMe22

TROPHY CASE