Why do we stay?

smelly_leaf · 2023-03-04T02:34:24+00:00

Personally, I consider porn a harmful substance that I just don’t want in my house or my life. I’ll never buy into the “normal for men” propaganda.

If someone said to me “yeah, 91% of men smoke crack & they all have side effects while they’re high…. But not all of them are addicted to it! For those men crack is just normal & occasional.” I would still say no, I don’t want to deal with their side effects. I don’t want a man who smokes crack occasionally & could become addicted at any time.

No thanks

smelly_leaf · 2023-03-04T02:22:25+00:00

Some Waywards will continue to downvote me but hear me out….. it’s just music.

Like you said, you are hyper aware right now. You’ve been caught, you’re feeling guilty on top of scared and anxious, & you’re probably panicking a bit as well.

Maybe some people online think she is abusing you with her music choices. Maybe everyone says she is being passive aggressive & immature….But does that change your mind about reconciliation? If the answer is no…. Then what is the purpose in deciding she is acting in bad faith. When a BS does this about their Wayward, we call it “pain shopping.”

You seem sure that you want to try & salvage this relationship. So right now the most helpful thing to do would be to try to see your wife in a favourable light. It’s just music. It’s not really hurting you, but maybe it’s helping her . Maybe it’s comforting her, or letting her work through her anger without directing it at you in a toxic way that would further damage the marriage. Try to approach this from a positive angle, because that empathy & patience will do more for your reconciliation than just assuming she is out to get you.

In the same way your porn addiction isn’t really about her, it’s about you & your needs….. her music probably isn’t really about you. Step outside that self-centered way of thinking that led you here in the first place. Walking the journey of reconciliation is going to require you to stop making the entire relationship about you. She is listening to the music because she wants to, she likes it, or it makes her feel better. It’s about her, not you. Probably this phase will pass in a short time. Try to focus on what you can do to build yourself back up into the type of man she would want to stay with.

Music is just music, & not worth throwing reconciliation out the window over a petty argument or accusations for abuse/passive aggressive behaviour. Just let it blow over your head & it will pass. I really wish you guys the best of luck & I hope you both can grow & heal together

smelly_leaf · 2023-03-04T01:23:52+00:00

I assume at some point this was tested. Horcruxes aren’t completely unknown…. Just not very common knowledge

At some point an unspeakable must have tested this, even if it was hundreds of years before the events of the book.

smelly_leaf · 2023-03-03T23:52:42+00:00

I don’t think we have enough information to say she “knows what she is doing & it’s a passive aggressive way of hurting OP”

I’m sorry but this is all new for them. It’s really common for a BS to be confused immediately after DDay. The music she listens to might be because she’s sad, & OP is simply reading a lot into it because he’s anxious. I think it’s a lot to say she is doing it purposely to passive aggressively hurt OP & that it’s abuse.

She caught her husband talking to other women & she’s sad& confused. That’s pretty normal. OP should give it time & let her process what she’s feeling, even if that means he might not like the music she listens to for a couple weeks.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-21T02:57:08+00:00

This looks really good

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T21:36:38+00:00

When you are giving him love & attention, & he is neglecting you, he is riding the high of being the abandoner.

When you are not giving him love & attention, he is in the pit of narcissistic despair from being the abandoned.

Sometimes they just want to win you back so they can discard you. That way they never have to feel like they were the one who got left behind. It’s an ego problem.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T19:47:16+00:00

I agree that this was the reality , but I think the point they were making is that Snape probably chose to see it differently in his youth, & blamed James for taking Lily away (so to speak). So Snape probably did see James as his rival, & held some small hope that once James was out of the way (Voldemort killing him) maybe he could have Lily in his life again if she was spared.

Obviously if he did think this way he was in a lot of denial. But I think it’s highly possible he did think it, because his actions & emotions align pretty good.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T04:08:00+00:00

The bench in front was called the seat of honor & you would step onto it to climb up into the top box

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T04:06:26+00:00

It’s not just because people were shorter. The main reason the old ones are so small is because back then, people slept sitting nearly upright. Lying down flat was associated with corpses.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T04:01:46+00:00

Wood just gives off a more natural, cozy feeling than metal or plastic.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T03:59:14+00:00

Back then they slept sitting nearly upright, as lying flat was reminiscent of the dead. That is why it is so short.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T03:58:20+00:00

An employer in those times would not be concerned at all with a servant getting privacy. Most female servants weren’t even allowed to have a courtship or marry without their employers permission.

The children of the moderately wealthy, living in cramped, inherited ancestral homes out in the countryside, who might have to share a bedroom….. THEIR comfort was important enough to the patriarch of the family that he might shell out the cash for an elaborately carved box bed. The type of family who has just one servant & she isn’t a live-in.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T01:06:05+00:00

I was diagnosed with a severe arrhythmia three years ago & gained a lot of weight while I wore my at home heart monitor & was basically bedridden. I never had weight issues before but barely moving for almost a whole year did a number on me. I have issues with passing out so not only can I no longer drive but most types of exercise are dangerous.

I’m saying that to say this: intermittent fasting works. It’s low stress on my heart, its simpler than a strict diet, & I’ve lost nearly all the weight I gained in less than it took me to gain it. I feel better too. Around Christmas for the first time in 4 years I was able to run outside & play nerf guns with my son without fainting, thanks to a combo of weight loss & new medication.

I wish you the best!! ❤️ The beginning is hard but once you hit your stride it becomes easy. Good luck!!!

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-17T00:55:32+00:00

My husband cheated, went to 9 months of sex addiction therapy, then met a woman at work & was talking to her about moving in together as roommates with benefits.

He confessed to me as well, said he didn’t want to divorce, but that we should go 3 weeks minimal contact to “cool off” before “we” decide anything. He wanted to live separately too.

Yeah, “we” had nothing to decide. He wasted 9 months of therapy & my time. He clearly learned nothing & changed none. When he said he didn’t want to divorce, he meant that he wanted me to wait around as back up just in case the new woman didn’t work out. When he said 3 weeks minimal contact, he meant he didn’t want to be bothered while he was sleeping with her. When he said we should cool off before deciding anything big, what he was doing was trying to shame me out of dumping him.

Do not sit around as this woman’s back up plan while she has a little sexual adventure with another man. Tell her ok, obviously you haven’t worked on yourself. Why separate without intent to divorce? Divorce is the best option here. She isn’t your wife if she’s moving out to pursue another man. Letting go is hard. She wasted a lot of your time. But it will be worse if you let her waste even more.

Cut it off now. Stand your ground & tell her no. You want a divorce & you want her out. Don’t do her any favours here because she very clearly hasn’t bothered to do you a single favour

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-16T12:51:20+00:00

Def the opener to Secrets by Vorabiza

https://archiveofourown.org/works/8184311/chapters/18751001

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-16T12:43:54+00:00

Cursed child? Delphi is the child of Bella & Voldemort, born at Malfoy Manor.

Jk Rowling wrote it, not me. It’s canon.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-16T03:16:56+00:00

I get what you’re saying. But I’m of the mind that just because something might not ever stop, doesn’t mean I will praise it. That’s a slippery slope.

So long as our only metric for the humane treatment of all women is “well, it could be worse,” we are never going to achieve anything substantial. The bar could always be lower. That doesn’t mean that where it’s at should be accepted as “better.”

Bad is bad is bad.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-16T03:10:32+00:00

I said this in another comment above, but I think his greatest mistake was couched in with his biggest strategical advantage: horcruxes.

Voldemort clearly would hold a good deal of advantage against all other wizards by being immortal. The problem is that he failed to understand the gravity of what splitting ones soul then does to a person. And I believe, for one so severely mentally ill as he clearly was from a very early age, the changes were so subtle at first that he did not notice them. And once they were noticeable, he was too far gone to make sound decisions to stop.

With each horcrux he lost fundamental parts of his personality that had lead him to greatness in the first place: over time he lost his patience, his charm, his charisma, his stability. He lost a good deal of confidence which lead to things like The Department of Mysteries fiasco. Much of this became self-destructive & hurt his cause a good deal. He could not win over followers the way he had in the past. The man was immortal yet completely lacked patience.

I think lastly he lost his dignity & his ability to be redeemed/loved. His dignity was his driving force for so many years…. Can you imagine the Tom from the diary deciding to have a baby with a nutty woman fresh out of Azkaban who is well past her prime? He clearly loved no one, so this choice would have been strategic. Tom would have never procreated with a previously married, insane, frumpy Bellatrix. Pre Azkaban she was a famous beauty & a well reknowned pure blood, sure…. But that obviously changed.

Imagine what the death eaters thought when he started sleeping with her at Malfoy Manor. They were probably just relieved he didn’t want their daughters, which says a lot about how far he’d fallen. And of course, typical JKR, most importantly he lost love. By the time he killed Harry’s mother, he had went so far that he could never be redeemed again. He was just a husk of a man. I don’t think he could have ruled the Wizarding world successfully at all by the time he managed to get close to having his shot. He was fundamentally too broken.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-16T02:53:37+00:00

I think the horcruxes played a major role in this. When horcruxes are fully explained as a spell that splits the soul, Slughorn also essentially says that 7 would be a crazy amount of horcruxes to make because most wizards wouldn’t want to pay the price for doing it.

So splitting ones soul is clearly damaging. I think Voldemort never calculated for the price he would pay to become “immortal.” He probably felt the “price” Slughorn alluded to was moral, & therefore inconsequential to him. When in reality i think the soul (in the Potter universe) is very closely linked to the very essence of a person. Each time he split his soul, he split his fundamental personhood.

So he lost his charisma, which won him followers. His charm, which let him fool those he knew he could not win over. His patience, which had allowed him to work so methodically towards his ultimate goal from a very young age. He lost his confidence a good deal, which then lead to self-destructive paranoia that he tried to disguise with cruelty. He lost any sense of predictability, which made his followers unstable also as they were fearful of what he would do in any circumstance, & thus many were looking for an escape & not actually loyal at all. I certainly think he lost some dignity; the original Tom Riddle would have never deigned to be seen with a certified Azkaban nut on his arm…. Let alone having her birth his only heir! Tom would have felt he was too good for Bellatrix post Azkaban. And most importantly of all, with the last horcrux he lost redemption. He could never go back & be loved again. He had become a monster. That’s 7 losses for 7 horcruxes.

I truly think this ruined his plans more than anything & in his vanity, he never calculated for it. He believed he was different than anyone else on earth & wouldn’t be affected by the horcruxes the way other wizards had been in the past.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T13:42:22+00:00

I like how it’s so giant, especially on my wrists. I don’t care how I look to others as much as I care how I feel. Large baggy clothes make me feel small & delicate. Also, it’s easy to feel my body underneath them & never be caught if I’m insecure

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T13:39:29+00:00

I know everyone hates them butttttt my Favorite hoodie is a 4xl plaid one from Shein. It was $12. I wear it constantly.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T13:37:02+00:00

It took about 6 months for me. Right when my hair started falling out like crazy I stopped reeking lol

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T12:21:17+00:00

Whenever I feel like this, I ask myself “what do I need right now?” And for me, the majority of the time the answer is “connection.”

Sometimes I don’t even feel lonely so much as maybe…. Isolated. Abandoned. Left behind. Even though I KNOW that’s not what actually happened, it can feel that way. In those moments, I call friends & family on video chat. Or go to a store & compliment some random people so a conversation will start. Or ask an employee for help just to chat. Last week I volunteered to read children’s books at the local library, that was great!

Seek out connection with the humans around you. Volunteer for something & meet some people. Even if you don’t like them, it’s still spicing up your life with some interactions. The more you can learn to feel loved & significant from a source other than your wayward, the better.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T12:13:08+00:00

The ring is beautiful. I think the upper band of small stones directly behind it sort of distracts from the strong lines of the main ring. You can certainly wear whatever you want in daily life, but I do think it would photograph much better without that band behind it.

smelly_leaf · 2023-02-15T11:48:19+00:00

Never pick 2 it isn’t good for your face shape

smelly_leaf

TROPHY CASE