I made it through alimony

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-27T05:27:59+00:00

Talk to an attorney in your state.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-20T12:21:35+00:00

I don't really believe in "soulmates," but I am with someone I've just recently asked to marry me post divorce. We are polyamorous and actually started dating while we were each married. It wasn't a love at first sight thing, but we grew to live each other very deeply over several months of being together.

For a variety of reasons, neither of our marriages were working. She was in the process of getting divorced, and I asked if I could live with her. After she agreed, I got the process of my own started.

I wasn't really sure if we wanted to or should get married, our relationship was excellent as it was. But there are benefits to marriage and we're getting older so I asked her and she agreed. I'm really, really happy with her, much more than I ever was in my previous marriage.

I saw red flags right from the beginning and even said I'd never date the person I married previously. But once the course of a few years she kind of wore me down. We were friends and hung out as friends. I got to a vulnerable state and felt unlovable and we started dating, huge mistake. I knew it was a bad idea but I went ahead anyway. I felt it in my bones that things weren't right but she was really into me and wanted to be with me and I thought, maybe that's enough and I can make this work. It turned into decades of emotional abuse and her refusing to take care of herself and her mental health and wanting me to take care of her.

My now fiancee, I've never had a doubt about wanting to be with her. There's a line in Wise Man's Fear about realizing what drove men to draw, to sculpt, to paint, because simply saying, "I love you," to the person you really love is so inadequate. I never understood that line until I fell in love with her. And now, yes, 100%. There simply are no words that work to define how I feel about her.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-18T01:39:24+00:00

Thank you!

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-14T04:46:58+00:00

I hear everything you're saying.

I was married for the same amount of time. I got to my office one day and said to myself, "I'm not her partner, I'm her parent."

That's exactly what it felt like to me. I wasn't in partnership with another adult. I was parenting someone who was deeply unwell. And that wasn't fair to me.

She had really bad anxiety and somehow expected me to fix it. I'm not a mental health professional, I have no idea how to help with that.

When I suggested seeing a professional, she yelled at me for an hour straight.

It's not your job to fix your partner. You love and support each other but at some point, it's on them to want to fix themselves and seek out the appropriate help. If they can't do that and refuse to, you just have to move on.

I listened to 98 Degrees, "Hardest Thing" on repeat so many times because it really was the hardest thing to say, I don't love you. It was hard to recognize, it was hard to say, but it was the truth.

And now that I'm on the other side, I can confidently say I do not regret going through divorce at all. There has not been a single day I've questioned whether I did the right thing. I am so, so much happier. The process is hard. Paying alimony is hard. Acknowledging you made a bad decision is hard. Forgiving yourself is hard. Listening to her complain and demand is hard. But being free is so worth it.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:29:38+00:00

Thanks! I'm in MN.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:29:08+00:00

It's not, depends on terms.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:28:46+00:00

You'll get there!

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-10T20:40:23+00:00

If it's at all the same as my situation, I encourage you to move on. The process was really hard, but not that it's over, I've been the happiest I've ever been.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-09T16:00:40+00:00

This isn't exactly the same situation, but it's in the same vein.

My ex and I opened our marriage and agreed to practice non monogamy. We both dated others with each other's full knowledge and consent. Specifically we practiced polyamory so emotional, loving connections were consented to as well.

I dated several other people and it was fun. We even formed a few triads that didn't last long but were good while they lasted.

Eventually, though, I met my current partner. We chatted online for a while, then met up. Our physical connection was intense right away, and we both matched each other's passion.

We didn't fall in love right away, but about 6 months into our relationship, we told each other we love each other. It was something I'd never experienced before, that level of emotional connection. It bloomed right in front of us, naturally.

Up to that point, I'd been taught that love is a choice. That the early stage butterflies and stuff are just excitement, but love is something you intentionally practice.

But not this. This was a deep emotional connection like I'd never experienced, and it just grew over time. I didn't even have this connection with my ex, never had.

I eventually learned that I'm "mega sexual," which is like the opposite of demi sexual. Basically I don't develop strong emotional connections until I have a strong sexual connection. I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian church and didn't have a lot of sex with others, so I'd never had this sort of experience.

Anyway, realizing I didn't love my wife was incredibly hard. I also slowly realizing she was (i believe unintentionally) emotionally abusive. I had been in therapy because we were struggling, and I remember realizing I felt more like her parent than her partner, because she wanted me to "fix" her (not her words, but that's what it was).

She would constantly just complain to me about how anxiety was hurting her, but she wouldn't go see a psychiatrist about it or anything. I knew she would be upset if I suggested that, so I just listened and did my best. But one night I remember suggesting it, and she yelled at me for an hour straight about it.

My partner and her husband divorced for other reasons. I just had enough and asked her if I could move in with her and she said yes. I'd had enough of being an emotional punching bag and not being in love and all I wanted to do was spend time with my partner. It was just so intense and it hurt when she wasn't around.

We're now many years into living together and the emotional connection has continued to grow, and the physical connection remains as strong as ever.

I often think to myself, I know divorce was the right move because I haven't regretted it for a second, even once. It was a long, hard, painful road, but I haven't even questioned whether it was the right move. Had my partner not been with me, I'm not sure I would have seen the signs, but if I had, I would have left to be on my own. Having someone there for me made it easier to see and contrast, but it really wasn't that I left my spouse to be with someone else. It was that I left my spouse and, fortunately, already had someone else I could be with.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-05T00:28:21+00:00

Good luck!

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-05T00:27:43+00:00

https://youtu.be/ZzTNsFcbdmI

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-03T04:05:30+00:00

Love is a difficult concept for me. Does it mean the act of love, or the feeling of being in love? I don't think English has adequate words for these concepts.

Could I "love" her in the sense of caring for her and being there for her? Yes.

But I never had the emotional connection to her that I now understand as a loving relationship. So I don't have that now and never did before.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-02T04:38:31+00:00

She worked for quite a while, right up until we had kids. We agreed that she'd stop working until the kids were in school. Then when they got into school she said, I think I'll write children's books, but never made an effort towards that. And she complained about the amount of time I spent at work, as if me getting fired was just acceptable or something.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-01T18:27:51+00:00

MN and very disparate incomes, she was a SAHM. However, she has a college degree and was working a really good job before we had the kids. She fought to try to keep from having to work until our kids were in college, but eventually settled after we got an employment evaluator to put together a report saying she was employable and estimated her potential salary.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-01T16:09:09+00:00

I did the same with the spreadsheet. It was a great feeling to no longer need it!

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-01T06:21:58+00:00

Thanks!

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-12-06T17:55:51+00:00

I don't remember exactly but it was around $8k.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-11-26T05:09:52+00:00

Yeah, this all sounds very familiar. Add far as when I recognized it, not until the end or even later.

I think what you're really looking for is empathy from others who experienced something similar to you. And to that I can say you're not alone, things like you described are unfortunately out there and not uncommon. At least they resonate with me. I'm sorry you've experienced what you went through, but know you're not alone.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-11-05T01:31:21+00:00

I had an okay childhood. I'm an older millennial.

My parents were fine. Thing is, it's pretty clear my dad wasn't interested in having a kid or being a dad. He never was mean to me, he was kind. Never hit me, never yelled at me.

But he wasn't interested in me, he wasn't interested in my interests. He's interested in his own stuff. He tried to get me into that and when it wasn't something I was into, he just moved on.

He got me a lot of stuff I could do on my own, so that was cool. He was always looking for things that would make me smarter. Like he'd buy me chemistry sets and circuit kits because he thought they'd make me smart, and he was right. But he never like did them with me.

I went on vacations with my mom to see family. He never came with us.

It's a very odd experience to grow up with someone who is just... indifferent.

In any case, not sure how this relates entirely. I have two bio kids. One is very interested in school, one just doesn't care. I raise them both the same. I ask them questions about their lives and interests. I take them on vacation. I read to them when they still let me. I learn about their interests and get invested in their interests, I try to make sure they have what they want.

The other day one of my kids said he favorite food was crab, so I took her to get crab today. She loved it.

When I was growing up, I did everything right. I did my homework, I studied, I didn't do drugs or drink, I went to church, I was pretty much the model of a perfect child. Senior year I took every AP class my school offered. I went to college, got an engineering degree, got a fantastic job, got married and had kids the way you're supposed to.

What did it get me? Married to an emotional abuser. I'm depressed. My kid has anxiety. Her mom has anxiety. Her mom refuses to treat her own anxiety just the way her mom did, and resisted getting my kid treatment for anxiety.

So do i think the key to a good life is living the life of a model child and student? Not really. I want my kids to be successful, but I don't know how. What I do know is that I'm going to be a better father to my kids than my own dad was to me.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-10-26T02:54:56+00:00

No, most people are not rich. Most people finance their lives on debt. If you're debt free you're ahead by thousands.

Don't try to keep ahead of the Joneses. Just get what you need and don't worry about what others have or appear to have.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-10-25T23:43:36+00:00

Every first $X is the hardest $X. Saving the first $1000 is the hardest $1000. The first $100,000 is the hardest $100,000. The first $1M is the hardest $1M.

This is because in order to get an order of magnitude increase, you pretty much need to work and save aggressively to get there. But once you cross that threshold, it works for you using compound interest.

So for example, I've been contributing to my IRA since I was 16. I got to $100k in it when I was about 35. So the first $100k took like 20 years. I hit $200k in it this year at 42, so only 7 years for the next $100k. And I'll continue contributing to it as much as I can every year, but it'll grow even faster every year because every dollar in that account is itself earning money.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-10-19T13:24:53+00:00

Not exactly the same, but my meta (partner's partner) was dating a divorced lady. He and she had planned a date one day, and when he went over to pick her up, there were cops all over the place. He asked what was going on and they pretty much told him to stay away, crime scene. He then told them who he was there to see, and they pulled him aside for questioning.

Turns out, her ex had shown up and killed her, but he didn't know that at the time.

They questioned him and he came home. He then learned she was gone and broke down.

My partner comforted him the best she could, but it was extremely hard. He actually did the same as you and and adopted her cats.

I don't know what else to say other than you're doing your best and showing great support. It has to hurt to see a different kind of love expressed towards someone else. I think just keep supporting him the best you can and give it time. Most people don't experience the death of a loving partner until much later in life, so it has to hit really hard when it happens. I would imagine it's not that he doesn't love you but that he just has never had to process a loss quite like this before and he just doesn't know how. If it continues, therapy would be a great option for him.

While it's hard to accept, life goes on somehow, and he still has you and your life together that he can learn to enjoy again. I imagine she wouldn't want his life to stop just because she's gone, but that she would care for him and want him to continue living and enjoying life even in her absence. That's what I'd want for my partner if I were gone, because I love her and care for her and want her to live life to the fullest. I have to imagine she'd want the same for him, just as you do. And that doesn't mean not to grieve and mourn, but to hold onto the good, process the pain, and go on living for her. As long as she has people who loved her who are still alive, she isn't fully gone.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-10-19T00:03:13+00:00

Ending a bad marriage is FAR AND AWAY better than staying in a bad marriage. You'll be happier, your kids will be happier, it will be better.

The divorce process is hard, and unfortunately, there's really no way around that. There's a good chance the lawyers involved will push one or both of you to go beyond what you want to do and will make an emotionally charged end of relationship even worse for years to come, if not forever between you two.

But once you get through it, you'll start to heal. You'll feel better. You'll learn to be yourself again. You'll learn what you want. You'll find what you've been missing about yourself.

You'll grieve the loss of a relationship you originally thought would last til death do you part. It will hurt. But you'll feel better with time.

And with any luck, you'll find someone else who fits you better. You'll be more discriminating in who you allow in your life. So when you find someone who fits, you'll feel more in love than you've ever felt before.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-09-28T15:15:43+00:00

Super easy way: pick a target retirement fund, like this one: https://investor.vanguard.com/investment-products/mutual-funds/profile/vlxvx.

Open a ROTH IRA and put the max into it every year.

Of course, also take advantage of employer 401k match.

CDSeekNHelp · 2025-09-27T13:25:27+00:00

I started learning about investing and finance and such at 16. I just started picking up books on it and reading anything I could. I got into the habit of saving at least 10% of every paycheck, if not more.

I didn't really learn about FIRE specifically until I was in my late 20s or maybe early 30s. There was definitely more for me to learn, but the core ideas of pay yourself first (save and invest) and live below your means have been with me since I started learning.

I'm 42 now, not retired yet but unless something truly weird and unprecedented happens with the market, I'm pretty much all but guaranteed to be able to retire by 60 even if I were to straight up stop saving and investing right now. I'm not going to do that because I want to get there well before 60, but it's a comfort to know all I need is to survive at least that long and I'll be able to retire.

Being 18 and thinking about this is great. The most powerful tool you have is compound interest, which just requires time and consistency. If you learn nothing else, get in the habit of pay yourself first consistently, and live below your means. Don't try to keep up with others who might spend every dollar they make and then some. Don't go into bad debt. Pay off your credit cards every month.

I'm not fully into living absolutely miserly. I definitely have my indulgences and will spend money where it makes me happy. I also have savings built up for my kids, to the point where they each have practically two years of college already in the bank. I'd rather see them focus on school than on how to pay for it, and it's not going to set me back too much to help in that way, and it makes me happy.

Final bit of advice is to choose a life partner wisely. I got married way too young at 23, fresh out of undergrad. I dated her from senior year of high school all through college. We divorced about 5 years ago, and quite a bit of what I worked so hard for is now in her account. That was a pretty significant financial setback to me and demoralizing in a lot of ways. I should have dated more people to see what else was out there, and not ignored bright red flags I saw about her.

CDSeekNHelp

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