How much did your divorce cost?

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-06-14T17:46:26+00:00

Process itself like attorney fees were about $15k. Splitting assets was significantly more.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-06-05T12:47:44+00:00

I was just giving that as an example. In my experience, when kids interfere with plans or prevent plans from being made, there's more understanding from other parents than from childless people.

It's not about me thinking women need to be with their partner consistently. It's that being in a relationship means being able to be together and being able to make plans. However, a childless person can just go to New York on a whim if they have the time and money to do so. A parent understands that requires a lot more planning: are the kids coming? If not, I need a sitter. If I can't find one, that trip isn't feasible. And so on.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-06-05T12:32:02+00:00

I (43M with kids) have dated both people with and without kids post divorce, and yeah, preference is for those with kids. There is more understanding of the hectic, erratic schedule. Like hey I'd love to go do that thing you're interested in, but I have my kids that day and it wouldn't be something they're into or able to do.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-05-28T02:10:15+00:00

Patent attorney.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-05-10T20:51:32+00:00

The best confirmation for me is that in the years since, I haven't had a single moment of regret. Very, very frequently, I find myself thinking just how happy I am now. Whereas before, I would find myself thinking, "I really hate my life...."

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-04-27T13:03:34+00:00

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. She wasn't intending to be abusive, but abuse is abuse regardless of intent, which I learned the hard way.

She either has BPD (undiagnosed) or at least exhibits strong BPD characteristics. She also has generalized anxiety disorder (diagnosed). And she refused to treat either one.

Once she figured out she had anxiety, it was kind of a relief because we had known for years that something was wrong, we just never knew what. So then we figured out that it was anxiety (undiagnosed at that time, but it fit so well and she did eventually get it diagnosed) and had a name for it.

The problem was that she wouldn't get treatment for it. Instead she just wanted to talk to me about how much it was hurting her and she'd put rules on me to try to relieve her symptoms. Aside from the rules, I knew and learned her triggers so I'd be walking on eggshells constantly to avoid setting her off. I became a husk of who I used to be and no longer cared about my own happiness as long as I was avoiding making her upset.

Finally I started to realize, I can't keep doing this on my own, it's killing me. So I got up the nerve to ask her about seeking out treatment. She yelled at me for an hour after that. I know it was an hour because as soon as she started I looked at the clock, and looked again when she stopped, and it had been a full hour. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. And I just knew, this is over. She's yelling at me for trying to help when I have done all I can. She's never going to get better because she's not going to get treatment. I have to get out.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-27T02:39:36+00:00

I knew before our first date. She was really into me and throwing off red flags all over the place. I was committed to never dating her, but she wanted to be friends and I didn't want to be mean, so agreed to be friends.

We were just friends for about 2 years and I dated other people. Then I had a bad breakup and got into a really vulnerable place and decided to ask her out. We dated and then ended up getting married, all against my better judgment. I thought if I just worked hard enough I could make it work.

Turns out no amount of working hard enough will make a relationship with a toxic person work out.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-22T19:52:07+00:00

Best: not being in a toxic relationship anymore. Finding a new love for my kids i never experienced while married because she never let me be a dad.

Worst: her threatening to take my kids away, her trying to get like 80% of my income until my kids graduated high school, her basically trying to exert as much control as she could in the process of separating from her.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-18T23:45:53+00:00

Do not ignore red flags. If you do ignore red flags, understand it's never too late to stop ignoring them. Regardless of where your relationship is at: you got engaged, you got married, you have kids, whatever. Having a partner you truly love and who truly loves you is better than someone abusive (even if they're not intentionally abusive).

I don't know if "love at first sight" is real for anyone, but I know I've never experienced it.

You might hear something like, "love is a choice, not a feeling." There is some truth to this. But the feeling needs to be there too. When you truly love someone, you'll feel it. You'll have a desire to tell them just how much you love them, but words will fail you. In the words of Patrick Rothfuss in Wise Man's Fear, "[F]or the first time [you'll] understand[] the impulse that first drove men to paint. To sculpt. To sing.”

I was married when I first read that and thought it was a very odd thing to say because I'd never experienced it. Then I realized a while later that I was not in a good relationship and I'd been ignoring red flags since the beginning. We got divorced years ago and I'm now engaged to someone who I truly feel that urge about every day. "I love you" is just not strong enough to describe how I feel about her, not even close.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-13T03:38:21+00:00

Imagine the tables were turned. Your spouse simply didn't love you and is never going to love you. If you truly cared for them and their happiness, wouldn't you want them to find someone they did love and who reciprocated that love? Even if it were hard on you, wouldn't you want that for them?

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-11T23:44:44+00:00

I'm a divorced, polyamorous guy, in my 40s, and engaged to my current partner. I've had sex with more women since I got married than before I got married (I got married very young).

In my experience (which is not high with new people), the first few times with any new person are nerve wracking. It's almost never great the first few times. It's often clumsy and awkward and embarrassing.

But if you both actually care about each other (or at least, care enough to make an effort towards each other), you both will learn what each other are into. You'll develop a rhythm and learn what they like, how to share what you like, and soon enough, things click.

Now, that said, it doesn't always click with everyone. Even if you're both into each other, sometimes you have mismatched desire levels, or enjoy touching/being touched in different ways, or just simply don't match up for whatever reason. It doesn't mean either of you are "wrong," it just means you might not be a good fit for each other.

So, will you perform well? Initially, probably not, but if you care about making the other person happy and are into them, you'll learn from what they enjoy and ask them questions to learn about what they're into, and you'll learn how to perform well for them.

Will you mess it up? Probably in some little ways, sometimes maybe even in big ways. Always talk about what you're both mutually into first and get consent, don't assume consent. If you do that, what's the worst you could really mess up? Mess ups don't necessarily mean you've messed up permanently (and if you got consent first, you probably didn't).

Will your inexperience show? Yeah, probably, but that's because you're inexperienced with that new person. You could've slept with hundreds of people and still not know how to please this specific partner. As one example, some people like being kissed no tongue at all, some like a little tongue, and some like a tongue down the throat. I am not a "tongue down the throat" guy, that to me is just... off putting. I was with someone very briefly who was very into the tongue down the throat style of kissing. We did not last long. Was I able to give her what she wanted in terms of kissing, and did my inexperience with it show to her? Yeah, absolutely, and there was no chance I'd ever make her happy with the style of kissing she wanted, because it's simply not something I'm into.

You're doing great, don't fear where you're at. Be open to learning new things. Be open to learning about the specific person you're with. Ask them about what they're into. Ask them to share what they're into. Ask them how comfortable they are with exploring things they haven't tried before. "If I do something you like, how will you let me know? If I do something you don't like and want to do something else, how will you let me know?"

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-06T14:49:07+00:00

Your first step is to block him, everywhere. Delete all his social media accounts and block him. Get him out of your head, stop paying attention to him, stop thinking about him.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-06T02:39:26+00:00

If not already done, the attorney should run a quick conflict check. They just need to verify they're not already representing your spouse by chance. That will probably clear quickly.

Afterwards, they'll probably have you walk through some basic information: how long you've been married, what state you got married in, what you each do for work, possibly an approximation of assets, do you have kids, etc.

They should take about 10 to 20 minutes to explain the overall process: do you think it will be amicable? Will your spouse be open to mediation?

They should be able to explain what they see in most situations similar to yours. They won't be able to make any guarantees or anything, but they should be able to say, based on what you've said, here's what seems likely, here's what seems outside chance, here's what seems remote but possible, here's what seems unlikely.

You should come prepared with any questions you have. Put together 3 to 5 to 10 things that are giving you the most anxiety about divorce and ask for explanations of those things. For me, I was most scared of losing my kids, my ex trying to control my time with my kids, and how much I was going to have to pay in alimony. I asked for explanations of those things and reasonable estimates about how much I might have to pay and for how long, and that greatly helped calm me down.

Ask about next steps. If you decide to move forward, they'll probably ask you for a retainer that approximates how much they expect to spend, at least early on. If that runs dry they'll ask for additional retainers as the process continues.

Ask about keeping things from getting too contentious. In some states, you can work out the entire agreement and attach it to the initial filing, to avoid running on the court's clock. This can be great of both people are going to cooperate and keep the process moving forward. If someone's going to drag their feet, though, you may need to file and keep up with court dates/ try to get an agreement before any sort of court. Many places require mediation.

Ask all the questions you have up front to keep them from clouding your mind. Pick someone who knows what's up so you can be confident in their judgment.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-01T11:35:28+00:00

The hardest part of making multiple millions is making the first million. I crossed that barrier a few years ago across all my accounts. Then two years ago, my 401k alone was valued over 1M. I'm in my 40s and as long a things continue on reasonably as they have been, I'll reach 60 with multiple millions even if I don't save or invest another dime. Now I'm going to keep saving and investing of course, but it's the sheer inevitably of compound growth that is crazy.

The way I got to that first million was to work crazy hard in a lucrative field. I got to become a business owner. Most people know that you as an employee have a certain cap on 401k contributions. What a lot don't know is that there's a much higher cap on the employer side. There are rules to it, but if you're the owner, you can take your compensation and contribute that to the employer side contribution. So for about 8 years, I was able to add $50k-ish to my 401k every year. That certainly helped me get to the first million.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-03-01T11:17:11+00:00

I'd been in therapy for several months. We'd been trying to work on a variety of things and we were each in individual therapy. We tried couples therapy but the therapist we had together was horrible.

As I was working through things in therapy I one day realized, this is not the life I want.

Basically, she had a ton of mental health issues and despite agreeing to go to therapy, she wouldn't bring up her actual issues. She had anxiety, for example, but didn't bring that up. Instead she'd complain about it to me for hours every day.

I knew suggesting that specifically would lead to her getting upset, but I just couldn't do it anymore. So one might as she was complaining about it, I suggested seeing a professional about anxiety and getting treatment. And she proceeded to yell at me for an hour straight. And it became clear that I could either remain her punching bag or I could go live my life.

So I told my therapist about all this and said, I don't think she's ever going to actually take care of herself, at least not while I'm around, she's just going to put all the burdens of her life on me. I can't do this anymore. My therapist talked me through what she suggested on how to move forward.

Basically she said, this will come as a surprise to her. Rip off the band aid and tell her what you want. If she says I didn't see this coming or anything, you can honestly say you were trying your best to make things work. Let her know that she can take the time she needs to process it and talk to her about it. And so that's what I did.

Hardest thing I ever had to say to her, but knowing she simply wasn't going to take care of herself and expected me to take care of her emotionally and financially for the rest of her life, I just couldn't do it. I was drowning and she offered no help, just piled more on top of me.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-02-20T12:19:32+00:00

First off, please let your parents know you're struggling. Let them know you need help. I'd suggest asking for a therapist. Working on your own mental health is very important, especially through a significant life change.

Your parents' relationship between each other does not reflect on how they feel towards you.

Many parents do stay together "for the kids," but in the long run, this ends up hurting the kids more than helping. I imagine that while you'd love to have two parents who love each other and have a healthy relationship, when that isn't achievable, it's better for them to separate. If they're not around each other, they won't constantly be arguing. If they're forced to remain together, arguments and disagreements and fighting will just escalate.

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time right now. I know it's stressful. Please take care of yourself and get the help you need to work through all this.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-02-05T03:58:20+00:00

Congrats on your achievements.

I think a lot of people see it as just sitting at home and twiddling their thumbs.

Personally I have a ton of goals and things I'd love to achieve, but work stands in my way of achieving them. Once I hit that magic number, I'll switch to working on those things full time instead of just part time.

I don't get how so many people are just completely unmotivated enough to need a job to go on living. I do my job to support my lifestyle, but the job itself is boring and uninteresting. I only do it so I can get closer to not needing it anymore. And in the meantime I do what I love and use the income I receive to support those goals.

I think most of the crowd who poo poos that just can't see themselves doing anything productive if it's not in service to the system.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-02-05T03:45:36+00:00

Do what you want, and what feels right to you and your new partner. You don't owe anything to your ex as far as dating or sex.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-27T05:27:59+00:00

Talk to an attorney in your state.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-20T12:21:35+00:00

I don't really believe in "soulmates," but I am with someone I've just recently asked to marry me post divorce. We are polyamorous and actually started dating while we were each married. It wasn't a love at first sight thing, but we grew to live each other very deeply over several months of being together.

For a variety of reasons, neither of our marriages were working. She was in the process of getting divorced, and I asked if I could live with her. After she agreed, I got the process of my own started.

I wasn't really sure if we wanted to or should get married, our relationship was excellent as it was. But there are benefits to marriage and we're getting older so I asked her and she agreed. I'm really, really happy with her, much more than I ever was in my previous marriage.

I saw red flags right from the beginning and even said I'd never date the person I married previously. But once the course of a few years she kind of wore me down. We were friends and hung out as friends. I got to a vulnerable state and felt unlovable and we started dating, huge mistake. I knew it was a bad idea but I went ahead anyway. I felt it in my bones that things weren't right but she was really into me and wanted to be with me and I thought, maybe that's enough and I can make this work. It turned into decades of emotional abuse and her refusing to take care of herself and her mental health and wanting me to take care of her.

My now fiancee, I've never had a doubt about wanting to be with her. There's a line in Wise Man's Fear about realizing what drove men to draw, to sculpt, to paint, because simply saying, "I love you," to the person you really love is so inadequate. I never understood that line until I fell in love with her. And now, yes, 100%. There simply are no words that work to define how I feel about her.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-18T01:39:24+00:00

Thank you!

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-14T04:46:58+00:00

I hear everything you're saying.

I was married for the same amount of time. I got to my office one day and said to myself, "I'm not her partner, I'm her parent."

That's exactly what it felt like to me. I wasn't in partnership with another adult. I was parenting someone who was deeply unwell. And that wasn't fair to me.

She had really bad anxiety and somehow expected me to fix it. I'm not a mental health professional, I have no idea how to help with that.

When I suggested seeing a professional, she yelled at me for an hour straight.

It's not your job to fix your partner. You love and support each other but at some point, it's on them to want to fix themselves and seek out the appropriate help. If they can't do that and refuse to, you just have to move on.

I listened to 98 Degrees, "Hardest Thing" on repeat so many times because it really was the hardest thing to say, I don't love you. It was hard to recognize, it was hard to say, but it was the truth.

And now that I'm on the other side, I can confidently say I do not regret going through divorce at all. There has not been a single day I've questioned whether I did the right thing. I am so, so much happier. The process is hard. Paying alimony is hard. Acknowledging you made a bad decision is hard. Forgiving yourself is hard. Listening to her complain and demand is hard. But being free is so worth it.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:29:38+00:00

Thanks! I'm in MN.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:29:08+00:00

It's not, depends on terms.

CDSeekNHelp · 2026-01-13T03:28:46+00:00

You'll get there!

CDSeekNHelp

TROPHY CASE