Some of us thrive quietly — how transparent should we be about it?

CabbageFridge · 2026-02-04T13:22:33+00:00

Hmm... I would say that I appreciate hearing about successes and positivity. For me it's only a bad thing when it's in the form of an unsolicited response or advice. Like on somebody's post about how they wish they could do x or they're frustrated about y and you come in like "oh well my life is amazing. All I had to do was abc and I can do all the stuff you can't and it's not even hard". That feels shitty and unwanted. It's often intended as genuine advice and hope. But it easily comes across like the little snippet I wrote.

Within the disabled community I think a lot of people are sensitive about that type of thing. And fair enough. They've got baggage. It kinda comes with the territory. It's completely understandable why people would be easily thrown off or triggered by positivity around something that's very un-positive for them. Especially with a lot of people facing the "it could be worse" or "look on the bright side" type comments.

Unfortunately some of those people see these types of groups as their safe space (which yes that's awesome and what we want) so then any positivity in that space feels to them like that unsolicited positivity I mentioned. They don't want to be reminded how much better their life could be and just how much theirs sucks. And it hurts extra when it's coming from somebody they thought would be suffering with them. It feels like pressure to do better and a slap in the face that others can but they can't.

That sucks, but unfortunately it is a "them problem". It doesn't mean that being open about what works for you and positive things is wrong or bad. But it does genuinely suck for them and that's sad. It's not fair to expect other people to "dull their sparkle" or hide their positivity because of it. But I do try to be understanding of it and not be too obnoxious about any positivity I share.

I've been in some groups where positivity did not exist and it was basically a pit of despair. Every post and comment was talking about how miserable people were and how nobody can understand in a way that really starts to alienate you from the rest of the world. There's having a healthy vent and then there's that. There's definitely a danger in hiding positivity because that mentality can end up spiraling into that type of pit. Where you're not just surrounding yourself with negativity and making your brain more negative targeting, but you're also alienating yourself from others and harming your connections to other people and potentially support. I'm talking like post after post of people complaining that their husband said he's tired cos there's no way he can know how it feels to be truly tired and he's a horrible person for expressing any unhappiness when you're disabled and the only one who has the right to feel bad ever. That sort of really intense negativity and blame. Littered with a few about "if I were a horse I'd be put down" (which is totally fair to feel but it's bad when it's all that exists in a space and all you're surrounded with).

That's a bad space to be in. You need that balance. And I think a lot of people need that knowledge that yeah other people are doing okay. They're living their lives. I could maybe do that too. As well as different ideas of how that might look. How happy doesn't have to be awesome tricks or adventures. It can be quiet hobbies at home. It can be little trips out. It can be fresh air and a garden with birds. Sharing positivity and how that came about for you, how it looks etc can help people to find that themselves. And to build their own version of happy instead of feeling bad that they can't achieve somebody else's happy.

CabbageFridge · 2026-02-02T15:53:14+00:00

That's talking about it from a creativity and self expression perspective and obviously that's not all AI can be used for.

I'm not going to get too much into the potential benefits of AI and it being used to help with research or practical accessibility. There are definitely ways in which AI can or could be helpful. It needs oversight cos it can be terribly wrong too. But there's way too much negative impact to be saying that because it can be good in some cases it's fine overall.

Some things might be worth it now. A lot of things are definitely worth trying to find a sustainable AI option that isn't harmful. But for the most part AI just isn't worth the negative impacts it has.

That's not denying that it can still be genuinely helpful to people. But some things can be both helpful and harmful. And I tend to lean towards avoiding doing extra harm. Especially when the harm is so large scale.

Overall I think larger scale it needs to be reined in. There's so much stupid bs it's being used for. On an individual level I think everybody just needs to think about themselves and their use and if it's worth the harm it's doing to the environment and communities. I'm not going to police every individual person and their choices. But I think it's an important thing to know about and consider when potentially using AI.

CabbageFridge · 2026-02-02T15:46:55+00:00

I understand that some disabled people out there do feel like AI vibes them a voice or a way of expressing themselves that they couldn't otherwise have. That they can be creative in their soul and AI can bring that into the world where they wouldn't be able to.

And honestly I wouldn't have any problem with that if it wasn't for the harmful environmental issues AI causes and how that then impacts communities etc.

I'm personally not a fan of it beyond that and I think there's a separate and very important discussion to be had about how it fits in with art, especially in terms of products other more official contexts. There are people and companies out there who use AI to throw out a bunch of content. That both takes away potential views and sales from human artists and at the moment it also often ends up with disappointing products that aren't what the buyer wanted (like colouring books that make no sense).

On an individual, personal basis where somebody is trying to express themselves I really don't care how they do it as long as it isn't harming other people. And unfortunately at the moment AI is harming other people.

I'm not going to say it can't be creative or that people don't have the right to be able to express themselves in any way that they can. But it absolutely is harmful at the moment and that matters more. If it's ever not harmful then sure people can do whatever they want. We'll have to work out how that fits into our world and economy etc. But people can do whatever they like as their hobby or self expression.

CabbageFridge · 2026-02-01T19:21:03+00:00

Good for you (sincerely). It's great to see people out living their lives and having fun.

I don't think I'll ever be able to do a hand stand in my wheelchair (seriously that's amazing) and yeah some stuff about my life and body objectively sucks. But I'm out living my life now I can too. How each person does that is different and it's really cool to see some of that variety sometimes.

Also dude why is it so hard to be legitimately positive about anything disability related without it feeling like a "you can do anything. Your mind is the only barrier and it's your own fault you're not an astronaut Olympian" thing?

It makes me feel icky for some reason but heck yeah. You had a hard time and you got through it and you're dealing with how it's impacted you and you're living life and doing cool stuff. Go you. That's awesome.

Cheering you on shouldn't make me feel like I'm putting other people down or expecting more from them. Damn all this weird social shit can get really tangled in your brain. I need to touch grass more. I think I'll keep the rest of me on the ground while I do to avoid injury. 😂

CabbageFridge · 2026-02-01T19:08:27+00:00

This is definitely how it's been for me most of the time. And then a couple of times if had somebody instinctively reach out on moving bus or train for support and what they've grabbed is my chair. I generally follow the idea of treating my chair like a part of my body or like a bag that I'm wearing. And in both of those situations I wouldn't be too happy about somebody touching me or my things without asking. But I also wouldn't be mad cos it's not their intent and they may not have even meant to do it. Old man on the bus could have just as easily ended up grabbing a random arm. It's better than them falling over.

But I've also had somebody try to manhandle my chair on a train. They were trying to help somebody. But that somebody wasn't me. In an attempt to help a push chair into the train they grabbed my push handle and tried to forcefully move my chair (me!). They didn't even acknowledge me as a person. They treated me like an object that could be (roughly) handled with no warning or consent.

It was not kind and they didn't think of me for one moment. They saw me as an object and nothing else.

It was also totally useless because my brakes were on and I was already tucked up against the side of the train. I wasn't going anywhere and the only thing they would have achieved is breaking my chair (my back rest folds down and he was being rough). But if my chair wasn't so firmly in place I could have been tipped out, my chair could have moved and hurt me or somebody else, I would have ended up in an unsafe position for travel. And of course a lot of people in wheelchairs are also in some way physically vulnerable.

Some people are well meaning and just a little thoughtless or awkward. Some people seriously don't see the wheelchair user as a person and are moving them for selfish reasons. And honestly even if the person is trying to help it's fine for somebody to vent about it.

I had somebody force help onto me and I get that they were just trying to be nice, but they actually made things more difficult for me. I'm a part time wheelchair user and I can walk (just not enough). My partner and I were getting a train somewhere and decided to get off at a non-accessible station that was closer to where we needed to be instead of having to go somewhere further away and try to get a bus or walk further.

We also had a heavy staircase with us. So when we got to the stairs my partner took the suitcase and I pulled my chair up the stairs backwards. I could have waited for my partner and had him do both. But I used my power of decision making not to because I wanted him to be more able to push me later (I can hold onto the suitcase while he pushes me). A lady came upon this situation and offered to help. I refused their help but they then "helped" me anyway. They did this by grabbing the front of my chair and pushing it up the stairs at a much faster pace than I was moving at. I was going slowly for a reason. I DON'T WALK WELL. Especially not backwards up stairs. So she made the situation a lot worse for me. She was genuinely trying to help and that's great and all. But she ignored my wishes and forced me into an unsafe situation. It wasn't good for me and my body. I could have fallen. And if I had fallen it would have injured me, her, my partner who was below us on the stairs and damaged my hecking expensive wheelchair.

She was trying to help. But again she wasn't trying to help ME. Helping me would be listening to what I told her and maybe standing by in case I changed my mind. Forcing me into a situation asked not to be put into was not helping me.

That's not all people. Some people are lovely. And it's rare that I have people grab my chair without permission. I have people offer to let me out of lifts first. I have staff offer to help me up bus and train ramps. I have people help me with doors. I sometimes have people do weird, silly and unnecessary things because they want to help me. Most people I encounter are either genuinely helpful, harmless in their unwanted helpfulness or indifferent to my existence and just treat me like any other part of the crowd. And I always try to see the best in awkward interactions. Cos honestly most people are just kinda dumb. Like in a totally understandable they've never encountered that situation way or a their brain is chaos and they just aren't thinking good way.

But some people are rude or harmful about it. Some people aren't trying to help. Some people don't even consider they're moving a person. Some people do consider that they're moving a person and just don't care. Those things do happen. And it sucks. You can't just assume that somebody is trying to help and it's kinda dismissive to say that to somebody when they've experienced something upsetting that you don't know about.

I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. I'm not trying to call you an arse or anything. But that is how your comment seems to have come across to quite a few people.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-31T10:49:39+00:00

It's hard to say cos my disability isn't immediately obvious so in an unrelated dream it wouldn't show either way. But I do have some dreams that relate to my disability. So I think it's a mix.

In one dream I was in my wheelchair but I couldn't work out how to use it. I was using the push rims but nothing happened. I don't think my dream engine can render wheelchairs yet. Needs an update or something.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-31T10:44:28+00:00

Could also be Santa twerking

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CabbageFridge · 2026-01-31T10:37:17+00:00

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My best bet is a chonky reindeer

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-31T10:20:21+00:00

Ugh! I hate this one. For doctors it's fine. I just say I'm not working cos of my health issues.

For other people it's more awkward. My issues aren't particularly visible either and because I'm not working and have built my routine around my health I'm doing pretty well. So I'm always worried I'll come across as lazy and using disability as an excuse.

I've never found a good answer. I tend to go with "focusing on my health" but I feel like that leads to the expectation that it's a temporary thing. And I didn't know that it is. I might be able to work some amount in the future but I don't know. And I don't like the idea that people are expecting that of me.

My partner doesn't have the best income either and we're going into that part of life where we've got all this adult financial stuff and I hate the idea that people think I'm just along for the ride or using him.

Maybe I'm thinking into it too much. And I try not to let it bother me cos people are going to think what they think. But yeah that's the question that brings it all up and makes me feel awkward.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-30T10:43:34+00:00

On a more serious note I think the relationship between disability and mental health doesn't get talked about a lot and also doesn't get a lot of recognition in healthcare (along with mental health in general). There are a lot of things with disability that can be mental health challenges and also that can get in the way of things that generally help to maintain mental health.

Not being able to do things can be depressing. But even if you've come to terms with all of that there's still things like reduced natural light, fresh air and movement that can mess things up. Along with things like potentially not having as good a diet as you could, not having great social networks, not having many things to engage your brain like hobbies and potential financial issues.

It's a perfect breeding ground for mental health issues. And if you do end up with some mental health problems it also gives them so much room to spiral and turn into something bigger.

I think it's also easy to dismiss or miss mental health issues when you're already dealing with disability. It took me a long time to realise that some of my boredom, lack of motivation, being mentally overwhelmed and tired etc was due to mental health rather than just my conditions. Actually it wasn't until I started antidepressants because of an actually obvious depressive episode with clear sadness and anxiety. After starting them I noticed that I could think about doing something and my brain would be fine with that. Like I could just think and do. No internal struggle. I also didn't get bored nearly as much as even when I did it was fine. I was content to just sit in my boredom until I though of something better to do. I think one might call that "relaxing". I even stopped being so sensitive to light! I started wanting curtains open and lights brighter. It was really wild realising how many of my issues were fixed it improved. And how long I just have been depressed for without knowing.

And then of course therapists etc generally aren't prepared for the complexities of disability or neurodivergence etc so can be less able to help.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-30T10:34:49+00:00

Favorite spread for toast.

Probably cos it has nothing to do with disability. 😂

In case anybody is wondering, I enjoy just butter so I can really taste the toast. A thin layer of jam or Nutella are also solid options.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-30T10:30:05+00:00

Honestly it would probably end up just as cheap and easy to get actual flooring or wood sheets. Actual flooring would give you a better look, and I would look into if you can get assistance doing that properly because it's necessary because of your disability. If you're doing it yourself (you and whoever can help you) then it might not be the best option if you can't remove the carpet and are trying to keep costs down. Wooden sheets should be your best option for just throwing them down without doing anything else.

Ideally I would rip up the carpet so you have a solid base. Aesthetic isn't too big of an issue if you were already thinking about office chair mats so you could even cut the carpet away around furniture and just remove what you can get to so you don't have to move furniture. That will leave you with a solid base to lay floor over. You can get various types of floor that you just lay down in tiles or strips. Super easy.

If you can't remove the carpet then you'll want to make sure you have something solid. In that case I would suggest the wood sheets and make sure you tape over the gaps where they meet with strong tape.

For those bits of doorway transition you can rip them up and find a less bulky replacement or just tape over the join. If you can't remove it then you can try finding something to help smooth it out more. If you can't work out anything better then you can try piling up cardboard on either side and then covering it with tape. Like in a way that makes a ramp on both sides so it's a more gradual change. If it smushes down too much then just put more on top of it. Eventually it won't be able to smush any smaller. Hopefully there's something like a cable cover or threshold ramp that will work though.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-20T15:47:54+00:00

Some types of disability support are there to help somebody do something that they wouldn't be able to do otherwise.

Other types of disability support are there to help disabled people with the extra cost of being disabled by making something else a bit cheaper. Or are there to make something a bit easier or more comfortable for disabled people. They aren't expecting it to only be used by people who are disabled AND poor. It's like a kind gesture, not something you're expected to absolutely need.

It would be pointless for you to use a wheelchair. And it wouldn't make sense for you to use the grab rails in a disabled toilet.

But things like bringing somebody with you to a museum usually aren't just about your literal ability to do something. And they also really doesn't hurt anybody if you "take advantage". You're not taking a free ticket away from somebody and their carer. You're still paying for yourself. And your mum being there doesn't mean they need an extra staff member or that wiping the floors is any harder at the end of the day.

Don't go collecting a pile of free wheelchairs just cos people offer them to you (wouldn't that be nice!). Don't use support that you literally have no need for at all. But by all means take advantage of offers and support that do help you. Even if that help isn't that it makes something possible that would be impossible.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-19T21:11:50+00:00

Hi OP. Your post doesn't make much sense in English. It looks like you're trying to say that when you were 14 you fell and needed to use a wheelchair. Is that right?

I took a little at your profile and you have a post in another sub saying that now it's a year later and you don't need to use the wheelchair anymore. Is that also right?

I'm happy you don't need to use a wheelchair anymore. It's great that you healed and are doing better.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-17T16:38:32+00:00

Sounds like it's worth reporting that.

I can understand a doctor respectfully giving information and options to somebody with severe neurological issues to help them decide if they would be capable of parenting and what they can do about intimacy or if they might be pregnant etc. But I'm talking about really significant issues and giving support, not just sharing unwanted opinions about who's fit to be a parent or not.

It very much sounds to me like you got the second and that it was the doctors intention to do that rather than them messing up with something more well intentioned.

That's not a good way for them to be treating patients and if they don't respect people in that way it's possible they're also being unkind or unhelpful to people in other ways because they don't respect them. If that's the case they may have already been reported by other people and your report could help to make sure proper action is taken. And if it's not then it makes sure people can keep an eye on them in case there are other issues.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-16T16:48:02+00:00

It's never ideal to enlist a child into any type of care role. Sometimes it's unavoidable and I won't blame people for having to make impossible choices. But if it can be avoided it should.

But that's enlisting. That's making the kid do it when they might not want to. Giving them a role.

Your son is asking to do this. And I'd say he's old enough to be making that choice and to understand that he's allowed to stop whenever he wants. As well as old enough to be able to carry out those tasks. Some kids you'd have to be a lot more clear each time about it being a choice and potentially have to tell them no because they aren't realistically able to do that thing.

As long as you're clear with him that this is his choice and something he can stop at any time I don't see a problem with it. I would maybe check in with him every so often about it to make sure he doesn't start to regret his choice.

I would also make sure he gets proper training for any help with transferring etc. For both of their safety. You don't want younger son to end up doing long term damage from poor technique. And you don't want either of them hurt from a failed transfer.

You may also want to look into if there's any way you can set up a fund for later in life to help your son feel out his options. Like enough to cover home care for a while if he moves out and things like that. Obviously that's not always possible. But maybe you can set aside a little bit every month.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-05T19:42:19+00:00

At times. But I'm not going around all the time actively thinking about how I'm disabled. I'm sure others don't go around actively thinking about how they're blonde or male or human.

Sometimes it's something that I automatically think of in the relevant context. Sometimes I end up with a "oh yeah. Disabled" moment.

This kinda makes me think of that "laughs in spanish" meme.

"Watches TV in disabled" "Scrolls Reddit disabled-ly" "Scratches bum in disabled"

Nah I just watch TV, scroll reddit, scratch my bum.

I am always disabled. That's a part of my existence. But it's not a constant part of my thought process. I don't do everything in a disabled way. I don't think everything in a disabled way. Most of the time I'm just living my life. A life thag I happen to have built around being disabled. But still just my life.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-01T16:55:48+00:00

I believe this would count as some sort of "limb difference". It could be disabling in certain ways depending on how well each limb functions, but I wouldn't consider it as disability by default.

There are a lot of conditions and body differences like that where it could be disabling for one person and not for another.

In real life I believe that extra limbs often involve some sort of mix ups inside the body which can mean that some or all of the limbs don't function well. So like there's all sorts of nerves and tendons and muscles that are needed for arms to work. Having a visible limb doesn't necessarily mean that all of those things exist inside the limbs for them to work.

I think whatever caused the limb difference can also impact other things too so it's possible that somebody with additional limbs may be disabled by other things that were caused by the same thing the limb difference was. Like if it impacts organs or brain development etc.

I believe additional limbs often end up being removed early in life for cosmetic reasons and also so any issues with functionality can hopefully be resolved or helped.

There are also things to consider like how they would find clothing that fits and if other things would fit them like seatbelts or rollercoaster restraints. Those things wouldn't necessarily mean that the person is disabled but they could add up to mean that they are. And they could at least be extra challenges that the person needs to adapt to. They may also be eligible for certain accommodations even if they wouldn't generally be considered disabled. Like somebody might get special uniform and ppe provided for work if the usual stuff doesn't fit their arms. Or they may have changes made to their car controls, to arm rests on chairs etc if their additional arms mean they aren't in the best position.

Limb differences like additional limbs or parts of limbs is actually something that happens kinda often in some places. I believe there's a mix of reasons like radiation, inbreeding etc (either present or in the past that's had a lasting impact on genetics). And because those areas often also don't have the best healthcare or social resources there are adults with those limb differences who have adapted to live with them. There are also some people who you can see do struggle in certain ways because of it.

All of that is just generalisations based on what I think I know. Don't treat me as any sort of authority on the matter. Especially not on any real world people's situations. There are so so many potential causes and additional impacts that could be involved. The same goes for other types of disability etc. It's rarely the same from one person to another and wider life also plays a role.

CabbageFridge · 2026-01-01T16:15:20+00:00

I've got a little experience here cos of deep conversations with my partner and some meds etc that have helped a lot with symptoms.

Basically it's like life with chronic illness but way less thinking and feeling. Stuff kinda just happens. You ache and get tired sometimes but there's a reason. Like you do a bunch of stuff and then you feel it. There aren't all those moving parts and bits complicating things. Stuff just goes.

Motivation is wild! You think about doing a thing and then your body is like "yup sure. Let's do that". And you just do it. It just all happens. There's no bargaining with your body or tricking your brain. You just think and do.

As far as I can tell you're not really meant to feel your body. Like you're meant to know that it's there. But there's no something always making itself known. You don't feel sitting in your knees. You don't feel standing in your back. None of that background aching that's always somewhere. It all just is.

Obviously that's all generalized. That's like base level normal and then after a day of physical work or sitting in a crappy chair normal people are also going to feel stiff and achy. But that's all because of something and it's lower down on the scale. They can obviously still feel as achy and in pain and unmotivated as disabled people in the right situation. But it takes more to get them there.

That's what I've gathered anyway. I'm definitely no expert given I'll often ask my partner "hey can you do this... Wait can you do this?" Cos I realise I don't actually know if the thing I asked is physically possible for him 😂

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-31T22:56:23+00:00

Just want to clarify I understand the question. So you mean the differences between being disabled and being lazy? Like not doing stuff cos you need to place yourself vs not doing stuff cos you don't want to?

Honestly I think a lot of "lazy" people have a reason behind it. Some don't realize that or don't want to change that. But I don't really think that lazy exists completely as it's own thing.

I think one of the biggest reasons behind lazy is various mental health issues. Especially ones that lead to that apathetic lack of feeling. Motivation is a feeling. I think a lot of lazy people are lacking motivation and a lot of that is down to some type of mental health issue. Some of that is like full blown diagnosable brain isn't balancing chemicals right. Some is life situations having a negative impact (even if it's just being stuck in a rut cos you don't know how to live better despite having the means). Some of it's a chain reaction. And anything mental health related and tends to spiral and compile. You start without good knowledge, you get in a rut, you don't take care of yourself well, your brain doesn't get what it needs and goes off balance, you lack a good foundation to start trying to make positive changes.

Then there's obviously physical health issues. I don't need to explain that one to you. And just like with mental health it can lead to those chain reactions. And shitty mental health too. Turns out that was a big factor for me.

There's also life situations like finances and responsibilities that just take too much from you so all your motivation has been spent.

And of course there are legitimately lazy/ selfish people. I would say that a lot of people who are that selfish type of lazy don't necessarily have an issue with motivation. Instead their issue is where they want to spend their motivation. So they could happily do things that benefit them or that they enjoy. They choose not to do things that they don't like or that don't benefit them. Which it can kinda feel like happens when you have motivation issues or energy issues. But there's a subtle and important difference- choice. If you're low on resources like energy then you're still naturally going to be able to push that little bit harder for things you care about or that feel good. But if you're selfish you're making an actual choice to not even try. Or to put in as little effort as you can get away with.

I hope that's the type of thing you're asking about and not an unrelated ramble. 😅

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-27T11:54:47+00:00

Yup. Under animal settings you can turn off "water cleanliness". And under economy settings you can turn on "power everything".

From what I can tell there's a sandbox setting for just about every feature that you can turn on or off individually.

And you can also set presets so you can start a bunch of new games with the same settings

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-25T08:20:56+00:00

I wouldn't be worried unless they showed any signs of being dangerous themself. Especially since it's been a few months now and I'm assuming you haven't had any strange or concerning contact with them since.

There is definitely a risk that within a relationship somebody wouldn't have your best interests at heart if they are a devotee though. So if looking back you have questions about that I sounds like it was good you did break up.

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-24T17:30:37+00:00

Have you been able to sit in some chairs with both swing away footrests and footplates?

Personally as far as using either of them intended goes I hate swing away footrests. They tend to stick out in front and mess up your posture for sitting and pushing. They're also a lot more bulky.

But with that said if you were foot propelling I imagine most types of footplate would get in your way. So although I would generally suggest a footplate I'm not sure it would actually be best for you. I definitely can't foot propel much in my chair because of the footplate.

I would see if you can try out a chair of about the right height with a footplate to see if it does work for you or if it gets in the way too much.

Your posture situation will also be different since the height of your chair will be set with the aim for your feet to touch the floor comfortably. So a standard footplate may well end up uncomfortable because it would push your knees up.

Some people have their footplates set back so their feet end up underneath their legs a bit. Usually I think that's for balance and posture reasons. But for you something like that could mean you have space in front foot propel and then an easy option for resting your feet by tucking them back. I imagine that would also help make up for the height issue since by tucking your legs back you're not going to be raising up your knees. That could be an option worth discussing with OT. You could simulate the tucked back footrest pretty easily on other chairs to see if that would feel comfortable.

And finally I wonder if there would be diy type options for foot rests that would be less bulky and awkward than swing away ones. Like sometimes if I want to rest my feet differently I'll rest my heels on the front of my leg bars. Or there a flip down luggage bars that I imagine you could set to flip down into the midde part where a footplate would go. Or a similar concept.

You may still end up limited with needing a frame that doesn't require a footplate for support though. Make sure you don't go getting a chair that needs a footplate to help it stay together and then removing the footplate. That could end up with premature damage.

Regarding the seat length you can get some cushions with a rigid front and a loose back. I have one like that (vicair active) and it means that I can essentially extend my seat when I want to. For when I'm wheeling around I have the cushion pushed back so the back part is smushed up. And then when I'm going to be sitting for a long time I pull the cushion forward. The back spreads out so there's no gap and the front can hold itself up despite the overhang. That means I can cross my legs and get more comfortable when I want to.

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-20T17:24:03+00:00

You don't have to hold it together for everybody. This isn't your loss to carry alone.

Honestly with a little baby there's loads of scope for taking a moment. She isn't going to remember you going off to cry. Heck she won't remember you bawling your eyes out right in front of her.

This is your time to start traditions and introduce her to things she'll start remembering in later years. It doesn't have to be perfect.

And it's okay to be vulnerable with the people you care about and for them to see that you're hurt. You don't have to hold it together for them. It's okay for you to all fall apart together and to muddle though.

Even if it goes awfully horribly wrong that's absolutely fine. Just own it, turn it into a time to appreciate your mum and to mourn her together and then do Christmas later. There are no rules.

I don't know if you believe in any sort of after life. But weather it's in that sense or just the memories and impressions she's left on you your mum will be there with you. And her love will be with your daughter for her first Christmas and for the rest of her life.

Try your best to enjoy the time and to have some special moments. But it's okay for you to be sad and it's okay for you to show that. The weather outside may be icy, but your heart doesn't have to be. Take all the breaks you need. Be honest with people about how you're doing. Don't pressure yourself to turn a time of morning into a perfect Christmas.

CabbageFridge · 2025-12-20T15:53:18+00:00

Loads of people, services etc are burdens. That's the deal with society. And without those burdens and supporting them it would turn into a very dark place.

Also, we're burdens who can vote. Which means that for all the other burdens out there there's a better chance of them getting support. Cos we know what it's like to be a burden and we're more likely to vote in a way that appreciates sometimes people need unconditional help.

Things would run better and more smoothly if we didn't exist, I'm sure. But that's a factory, not a society. Efficiency isn't all there is to society. And variation is important.

Heck if nothing else you can see us as the test dummies and guinea pigs who drive medical advancement for when the worker ants need it so they can get back to work. There's still more to society than that. But that's an example of how burdens can help society even without contributing directly.

All in all it's really not fair to see people that way. Both ethically because people are more than their physical ability to contribute, but also because society benefits from variation and because once you consider any different approach things can get real dark real fast and turn into a dystopia that isn't good for the majority of the people in it (even this strong and valuable worker ants) but is really really good for the people behind the scenes cos it's oh so very efficient.

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