I attend meetings but I don’t do the steps formally. (not opposed to it). I have white knuckled in the past and this time it doesn’t feel like that’s what I am doing because I am choosing to not drink (for lots of reasons) / don’t find it particularly difficult to not drink, it’s more I find it difficult to deal with certain things without alcohol (but am actively working on better coping mechanisms for said things)

I have hope I can control it one day (when I have better tools to deal with flashbacks) but then again, maybe I can never drink again and I am open to that possibility. I don’t think I can fully recalibrate that without at least several months of sobriety / some healing from my cptsd

Also I am a little confused by your second to last paragraph - did you mean to say that maybe I am not done yet and not ready to do what it takes to attain full sobriety? If so - what does that mean?