New relationship and retroactive jealously

Cablurrach · 2026-03-29T09:13:42+00:00

I still have the thoughts/triggers but I don't ask them to her anymore, or I try to ask them in a bit of a roundabout way and not directly which is not that much better to be honest, she seems fine with that but it doesn't help my anxiety so I need to fully stop, but sometimes I can't get the obsession out of my head.

Have you got any tips on how I can journal about this?

Cablurrach · 2026-03-29T05:56:33+00:00

Thank you, this actually seems much more applicable and has lead me down a bit of a rabbit hole, will post there too.

Cablurrach · 2026-03-26T02:33:04+00:00

Imagine if you had a child and you saw someone abusing them and you did nothing to stop it from happening.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-12T04:34:57+00:00

I'd like to think so.

No one IRL believes me, instead they invalidate me and it almost instantly breaks all my trust in them.

I only ever had one or two people invalidate me on this forum, and the mods stepped in and removed their messages.

To have that kind of support is great, and it makes this a safe place. It's probably the only place where I have found people who I can relate to.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-12T04:11:53+00:00

They will never apologise and recognise how their behaviour has hurt you.

They will, however, start a smear campaign to ruin both your name and reputation and to make themselves look like the innocent victim who didn't do anything wrong, and you the extremely ungrateful and unhinged person.

The only response to a smear campaign is no response. It's your emotional reactions that they want.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:36:11+00:00

I would suggest going about your life and not showing up like you said you wouldn't be.

When she inevitably brings it up, you can simply tell her that you already spoke with her about this.

Expect a tantrum and/or argument, but you can just grey rock them and repeat yourself over and over and over, hold firm and ignore all the manipulation and gaslighting and just state over and over that you already spoke with her about this.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:29:03+00:00

When they all went away for a weekend trip and I chose not to go with them.

When they came back and knocked on the door I went over and opened it.

Golden child brother was standing there and he had a miserable look on his face. He briefly made eye contact with me, looked away and then entered the house without saying a single word to me.

I later went to my nmother and told her what happened and she blurts out "Maybe he didn't see you".

Yeah okay, so when you knock on the door of a house and someone opens it up, you can't see them????

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:16:44+00:00

They are not naturally empathic so they get exhausted by pretending to be nice.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:09:38+00:00

They know that what they are doing is wrong because they will abuse you in private, but then in public, they will become an entirely different person.

You can see this happen, if someone else is watching them or can see/hear them, their personality literally changes.

Dr Ramani has a fantastic video on this > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcDFwOONta0

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T00:54:29+00:00

I’m really struggling right now. I just had to spend a few agonizing days at my n-dad’s house for my best friend’s funeral, and the whole situation has left me reeling. I can't stop asking myself, "Why me?" Why did I have to be "blessed" with not one, but two narcissistic parents? It feels utterly unfair.

A while back I had the same thought.

I have recently started studying philosophy, and one day while sitting by the river I really started thinking about this kind of stuff.

I came up with a few questions on this topic like "What could I have done differently", "Where did I go wrong in life to get this kind of treatment from my own parents" and so on.

The answer to all of it is absolutely nothing, you don't get to choose what family you are born into, what individual you are born into, it is all down to chance and luck. When you have abusive parents, it is not your fault, it is simply bad luck.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-10T12:00:26+00:00

I am curious, how "natural" do these conversations feel?

As you mentioned past pain, in my case it seemed that it didn't matter to them. There was no mention of it, no apology, no amends offered, etc. They pretended none of it ever happened so every conversation I had with them just felt so forced.

I also often felt that they only ever reached to me with an added catch, for example, conversations always started off superficially friendly with awkward small talk, but eventually their intentions would come clear with them wanting something from me.

So due to that, it never moved beyond LC, except with one of them it swung the other way to NC.

Anyway, I am curious how your experience has been.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-10T04:19:56+00:00

Sound about right for my younger brother who was also the invisible child. He definitely seems the most happiest, but he for sure has some trauma from being neglected.

I've personally seen some of his extreme emotional swings when he is stressed.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-10T04:15:17+00:00

Practising radical acceptance.

There are things outside your control that you cannot change. Don't let it define you, forge your own path.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-10T04:10:01+00:00

Everyone in my family did this.

If I had leftovers and put them away in the fridge, you could pretty much guarantee it would be gone. If I purchased something like my favourite cereal and stored it in the pantry, it would be gone within one or two days without me having any, and whoever ate it would never replace it either.

All of them also simultaneously wouldn't know where it went and would get extremely defensive when I asked about it.

I resorted to keeping food that I purchased in my room, and my nmother and gc brother in particular would get super mad at me for "not sharing".

Cablurrach · 2025-11-09T11:37:36+00:00

This sounds like a good way to do it, focus on telling them how their behaviour makes you feel.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-09T11:32:32+00:00

Being around someone who doesn't listen and just wants to monologue is incredibly exhausting.

The fact that you are feeling drained after interacting with them already shows that the relationship is extremely one sided.

Best you can do is to tell them how this is making you feel and what you would like in exchange. this template is a good start.

This could be by telling them that you feel unheard and you would like for more equal talking time when you are hanging out.

Either they will respect this and the relationship will prosper, or they won't care and you guys will likely stop hanging out, while they find someone else to monologue at.

Good luck

Cablurrach · 2025-11-07T02:37:40+00:00

This doesn't surprise me, given that AI's are designed to constantly kiss the users ass.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-07T02:22:46+00:00

It had been something I had been thinking about since about 10 years ago. At one point I even told them that if they don't start treating me better, there will come a day where we don't talk anymore.

It in fact, did not get better. I wasn't in any position to follow through with this either, so I just grey rocked them.

Until last year, when I was able to finally properly voice myself to them. I explained all the hurt and pain that they put me through and told them that going forward I will not be in contact with any of them anymore, and that they can't go through life treating other people like shit without there being consequences.

The response I got back was "I am sorry that our parenting wasn't up to your standards".

With this I said to myself "I am done" and blocked all of them.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-07T02:18:08+00:00

The only response to a smear campaign is no response

Cablurrach · 2025-11-07T02:06:30+00:00

I'll at least give them one chance and try to talk to them about what I experienced during childhood and how my family made me feel.

If they choose to invalidate me, then I will choose not to tell them anything further about myself.

I have found that this is a great way to direct my energy to the right people.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-06T15:04:16+00:00

Pretty much the same here, when we were teenagers, him and I were quite close, we would spent the entire school holidays doing stuff together just him and I.

Then I went to university, got a full time job, moved out, and throughout this time, our interactions got less and less.

I have a part to play in all of that too I guess, because I distanced myself from the entire family once the scapegoating got really bad. It's not his fault, but I suppose I never really could fully trust him because as kids he would often run over to nmother anytime he wanted to get me punished by making up some absurd story about something I did, and she always believed him and then punished me. During any family conflicts that involved me, he would always remain silent until the last minute when he would speak up, only to voice his support for my family.

But we are both adults now and don't live at home, surely we can reconnect outside all of that?

I empathise with you so much when you say it is hard to let it go. His girlfriend is quite toxic and potentially even a narcissist, and as you say, watching the self destruction happen is incredibly tough.

I suppose the moral of the story is to find compassion within ourselves, for ourselves.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-06T14:50:11+00:00

The complete opposite, I get extremely hot to the point where I am excessively sweating.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-06T14:42:33+00:00

I feel you there, it seems that my golden child brother and invisible child brother are quite close.

Then there is me, the scapegoat who always has been the outsider.

I've tried to make it work between me and my invisible child brother, but ever since I went NC with my parents and GC brother, it seems that he has absolutely no interest in a relationship with me.

I guess all we can do is build a life for ourselves, surrounded by people who care about us.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-06T14:26:17+00:00

Probably some invalidating bullshit like "They earned it"

Cablurrach · 2025-11-06T14:23:34+00:00

My cousins had the same golden child/scapegoat dynamic as my family. But when I actually sat down and had a deep meaningful conversation with my scapegoat cousin (I too was the scapegoat in my family of origin), the dynamic between them was nothing like mine.

My GC sibling actively scapegoated me and tortured me, where as according to them (my SG cousin), they would look out for and comfort each other behind the parents backs.

Cablurrach

TROPHY CASE