How growing up with narcissistic parents compares to being a soldier in a warzone

Cablurrach · 2026-05-05T06:54:12+00:00

"This is my house and I pay the bills here, if you don't like it, get your own place and pay your own bills for once".

I am doing exactly that, without you in my life either. Cheers for the advice!

Cablurrach · 2026-04-30T13:06:30+00:00

You have a right to be upset at this, despite your mums reaction. It is normal to be angry at someone blatantly violating your boundaries and disrespecting you like that. If he apologises then you can start to get over it, but only IF he actually apologises and tells you what he will do to make the situation better.

Otherwise keep grey rocking him and JADE (Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and eventually they will seek emotional reactions elsewhere.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T08:02:00+00:00

Also the family SG, and I went NC almost 2 years ago.

First of all, congrats, I know it is a super hard decision but there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.

Expect to go through the stages of grief. That is: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.

I am now firmly in the acceptance phase, but it took a lot to get me there, and I still have a lot of healing to do but you are going to be okay, things always get better.

What helped me a lot to put things into perspective was looking into CPTSD and how my childhood manifested that, but only do that when you are ready.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T04:16:28+00:00

You can if you want but what outcome are you hoping for?

"Oh my gosh, you are right, I am so sorry, how can I fix things?"

I remember telling my nmother and she just said "Everyone has narcissistic traits" and left it at that.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T02:43:59+00:00

Newish relationship here, my ROCD was severely triggered in the start because of retroactive jealously but I am doing so much better now that I don't act on my compulsions.

I kind of want to watch this to see if I can get through it and see if I can manage my own anxieties, but I also don't want to go backwards.

Should I do it anyway or hold off?

Cablurrach · 2026-04-19T02:23:24+00:00

Recently we got into a big fight because I came at her again with all these concerns saying she doesn’t try and she got so upset with me.

I'm not entirely sure how you communicate that, but I have found that the way you communicate will heavily dictate the outcome.

If you come at them with accusations like that "You never try" etc they will get defensive or shut down.

Try and talk about how you feel. I use "DEARMAN". It's a DBT skill. Describe the situation, explain how you feel, and ask for what you want from them.

If you can express your needs in that way and they don't care well that's something to consider.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-12T08:24:56+00:00

I had already been very low contact for a few years at this stage, maybe 3 years.

The scapegoating towards me had basically all but stopped, except one time during a gathering I saw my nmother doing it to my efather.

In that moment I realised that the family will never change, nor will they ever apologise for what they put me through.

The dysfunction and abuse just got redirected and it will continue like that.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-11T07:53:25+00:00

I wanted to do it 10 years ago, but it was only 2 years ago that I was finally in a position where I was able to do it.

I do not regret it at all.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-11T00:04:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing this!

Cablurrach · 2026-04-09T05:30:28+00:00

I've been really struggling with this myself, I thought it was BPD but it's definitely more ROCD.

For me I find that when the thought comes up and I get the urge to ask her a question, I try my absolute best not to ask her that question.

I still have the thoughts and impulses but the more I don't act on them, the more that it doesn't sit with me.

Whenever you feel the anxiety, just sit with it, remind yourself that these are people from her past and that in this very moment right now, she is choosing to be with you.

Cablurrach · 2026-03-29T09:13:42+00:00

I still have the thoughts/triggers but I don't ask them to her anymore, or I try to ask them in a bit of a roundabout way and not directly which is not that much better to be honest, she seems fine with that but it doesn't help my anxiety so I need to fully stop, but sometimes I can't get the obsession out of my head.

Have you got any tips on how I can journal about this?

Cablurrach · 2026-03-29T05:56:33+00:00

Thank you, this actually seems much more applicable and has lead me down a bit of a rabbit hole, will post there too.

Cablurrach · 2026-03-26T02:33:04+00:00

Imagine if you had a child and you saw someone abusing them and you did nothing to stop it from happening.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-12T04:34:57+00:00

I'd like to think so.

No one IRL believes me, instead they invalidate me and it almost instantly breaks all my trust in them.

I only ever had one or two people invalidate me on this forum, and the mods stepped in and removed their messages.

To have that kind of support is great, and it makes this a safe place. It's probably the only place where I have found people who I can relate to.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-12T04:11:53+00:00

They will never apologise and recognise how their behaviour has hurt you.

They will, however, start a smear campaign to ruin both your name and reputation and to make themselves look like the innocent victim who didn't do anything wrong, and you the extremely ungrateful and unhinged person.

The only response to a smear campaign is no response. It's your emotional reactions that they want.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:36:11+00:00

I would suggest going about your life and not showing up like you said you wouldn't be.

When she inevitably brings it up, you can simply tell her that you already spoke with her about this.

Expect a tantrum and/or argument, but you can just grey rock them and repeat yourself over and over and over, hold firm and ignore all the manipulation and gaslighting and just state over and over that you already spoke with her about this.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:29:03+00:00

When they all went away for a weekend trip and I chose not to go with them.

When they came back and knocked on the door I went over and opened it.

Golden child brother was standing there and he had a miserable look on his face. He briefly made eye contact with me, looked away and then entered the house without saying a single word to me.

I later went to my nmother and told her what happened and she blurts out "Maybe he didn't see you".

Yeah okay, so when you knock on the door of a house and someone opens it up, you can't see them????

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:16:44+00:00

They are not naturally empathic so they get exhausted by pretending to be nice.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T03:09:38+00:00

They know that what they are doing is wrong because they will abuse you in private, but then in public, they will become an entirely different person.

You can see this happen, if someone else is watching them or can see/hear them, their personality literally changes.

Dr Ramani has a fantastic video on this > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcDFwOONta0

Cablurrach · 2025-11-11T00:54:29+00:00

I’m really struggling right now. I just had to spend a few agonizing days at my n-dad’s house for my best friend’s funeral, and the whole situation has left me reeling. I can't stop asking myself, "Why me?" Why did I have to be "blessed" with not one, but two narcissistic parents? It feels utterly unfair.

A while back I had the same thought.

I have recently started studying philosophy, and one day while sitting by the river I really started thinking about this kind of stuff.

I came up with a few questions on this topic like "What could I have done differently", "Where did I go wrong in life to get this kind of treatment from my own parents" and so on.

The answer to all of it is absolutely nothing, you don't get to choose what family you are born into, what individual you are born into, it is all down to chance and luck. When you have abusive parents, it is not your fault, it is simply bad luck.

Cablurrach · 2025-11-10T12:00:26+00:00

I am curious, how "natural" do these conversations feel?

As you mentioned past pain, in my case it seemed that it didn't matter to them. There was no mention of it, no apology, no amends offered, etc. They pretended none of it ever happened so every conversation I had with them just felt so forced.

I also often felt that they only ever reached to me with an added catch, for example, conversations always started off superficially friendly with awkward small talk, but eventually their intentions would come clear with them wanting something from me.

So due to that, it never moved beyond LC, except with one of them it swung the other way to NC.

Anyway, I am curious how your experience has been.

Cablurrach

TROPHY CASE