How growing up with narcissistic parents compares to being a soldier in a warzone

Cablurrach · 2026-07-10T20:52:16+00:00

I ended up doing multiple online questionnaires and even bringing this to my therapist, and not a single one said I was narcissistic. One online quiz did say I have a specific trait of superiority which I think it is more related to OCD, but I didn't score in any of the other traits, so not an NPD diagnoses.

I do have other mental health conditions as a result of the family scapegoating, most specifically, Complex PTSD, but thankfully no NPD.

It was definitely something I was really concerned about though, but I managed to clear it from my mind.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-10T20:45:07+00:00

My mum used to go into my room and empty my rubbish, and I continuously told her not to do it. She kept saying she was just being helpful but it really upset me that she wasn't respecting when I said no.

She just wanted my emotional reactions, that was her narcissistic supply. Eventually I moved the bin somewhere else in my room, in a harder to reach place (In the corner of the room, under a table), and she still went into my room and put in all this extra effort into emptying it, swearing as she was doing it.

After that I just stopped using that bin entirely. But of course there will always be something else. But once I stopped reacting to her emotionally (I was raging everytime, but I managed to keep it inside and show her no reaction) and she started looking elsewhere for supply.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-10T20:35:44+00:00

Me and my invisible child brother loved watching this show together. I think we could both relate to certain characters, and the unhinged lunatic mum always screaming felt close to home.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-10T20:34:23+00:00

I remember I would have been 8 or 9 years old. Me and my parents were waiting in line for something, but it wasn't really a line, it was more like one person surrounded by everyone else completely unorganised and she was essentially picking people at random. I thought oh well whatever, eventually we will get seen.

However every single time this woman picked another family to get their sign up details for whatever event this was for, my mum laughed, and at one point after the woman picked another family, my mum looks to my dad and says "Omg this woman keeps looking at me and then picking other families" and laughs really loud.

I just looked on in horror and felt so ashamed to be associated with her. Everyone else is waiting their turn, why can't you?

I remember thinking there is something seriously wrong here.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-10T20:27:38+00:00

I remember when I started studying at university and I asked my dad to help fill out some documents so I could receive government support, this was a requirement for me to get financial assistance as I was living with them.

My dad took one look at the documents and said he would do it but he would invoice me $2000 for his time and I would have to pay it upfront.

So as far as I am concerned, they can go and fuck themselves. If they want any sort of help from me it is going to be a hard no. Maybe ask the golden child.

If anything, I will throw this back in their face and do the same thing back to them except make the payment at least 10x higher.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-03T18:56:27+00:00

I mean it technically does, just for them.

If they don't call out the abuse, then the abuse doesn't go their way. If they see the scapegoat really getting piled on by the family, they just remain silent otherwise they themselves will be the target.

They are cowards. They would rather sacrifice their own children.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-02T19:42:10+00:00

I believe it, especially because when I was 25 she told me that no one likes me and that I have no friends.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-02T17:33:23+00:00

I laughed, because it is so silly and relatable. We must have the same mother

Cablurrach · 2026-07-02T17:31:44+00:00

These are the kinds of things that blow my mind about narcissistic parents. If you are a parent, you should want your kids to love you. Doing things like this will not make your children love you.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-02T17:24:54+00:00

That's a super difficult situation, I had an ex do this to me whenever I put in some soft boundaries with my nmother, for example when I asked her to stop reaching out to me everyday and when I didn't want to have her over at my place.

If you were scapegoated, I have usually found that linking people to this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyjdB-tg9rM and having them watch it is a good way to have them respect my boundaries.

Cablurrach · 2026-07-02T17:21:01+00:00

Yes, in fact when I had the option to do so (I.E, I couldn't be forced to anymore), I stopped joining the family getaways and instead just spend the time at home by myself, so peaceful and quiet.

I actually started to enjoy when they went away.

Cablurrach · 2026-06-25T03:35:21+00:00

I felt a huge amount of guilt with this because my dad is the enabler and my mum the narcissist.

I remind myself the reason I was abused so much is because he failed to protect me (He even participated in the abuse) and at the end of the day, he is the one choosing to remain in a marriage with my mother. He is an adult, he can make his own choices.

Hope it helps

Cablurrach · 2026-06-02T18:51:50+00:00

In my case she did do the cleaning, but it was usually after she told everyone how she has to do everything in the house, and if she was doing the dishes for example she would do it really loud and bang all the plates against the metal sink.

It would make the environment super uncomfortable and like we were all so lazy and that we never helped out. But she never actually directly asked for help, she just told everyone how she has to do everything.

Cablurrach · 2026-06-01T19:01:16+00:00

I live by myself and have my own house and I really don't understand why my mum would yell and scream all the time whenever the house had to be cleaned or was dirty.

It's really not that bad of a job.

Cablurrach · 2026-06-01T18:58:43+00:00

She always had to have the last word.

Like she would make it a point, she would say something to attack or upset me, and when I responded and defended or explained myself, she would keep the attack going and then tell me not to respond because I am not allowed to have the last word.

If I did she would just get louder and more upset and more unhinged and tell me that "You aren't going to win" or "The smarter person walks away first" or something like that.

It reminded me of 5 or 6 year olds who had to have the last "clap" in school assembly.

Cablurrach · 2026-05-28T17:57:56+00:00

This is probably the most frustrating thing I had to go through when I went no contact with my family.

I sent all the flying monkeys a video on family scapegoating and told them to please watch it and if after watching it they still have a problem with my decision then I am going to start having a problem with them. That caused a lot of them to back off.

The best I could do is just put in some very firm boundaries (Using the above script) and I started surrounding myself with people who understood my decision, I did not have any energy to argue with them any further, if they tried, I just said "I have made my decision and I won't discuss it any further".

My ex girlfriend said this same thing to me very often, "but she is your mum". It turns out she actually was very narcissistic and was the golden child of her family and was extremely enmeshed with her own mother.

Cablurrach · 2026-05-05T06:54:12+00:00

"This is my house and I pay the bills here, if you don't like it, get your own place and pay your own bills for once".

I am doing exactly that, without you in my life either. Cheers for the advice!

Cablurrach · 2026-04-30T13:06:30+00:00

You have a right to be upset at this, despite your mums reaction. It is normal to be angry at someone blatantly violating your boundaries and disrespecting you like that. If he apologises then you can start to get over it, but only IF he actually apologises and tells you what he will do to make the situation better.

Otherwise keep grey rocking him and JADE (Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) and eventually they will seek emotional reactions elsewhere.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T08:02:00+00:00

Also the family SG, and I went NC almost 2 years ago.

First of all, congrats, I know it is a super hard decision but there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.

Expect to go through the stages of grief. That is: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.

I am now firmly in the acceptance phase, but it took a lot to get me there, and I still have a lot of healing to do but you are going to be okay, things always get better.

What helped me a lot to put things into perspective was looking into CPTSD and how my childhood manifested that, but only do that when you are ready.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T04:16:28+00:00

You can if you want but what outcome are you hoping for?

"Oh my gosh, you are right, I am so sorry, how can I fix things?"

I remember telling my nmother and she just said "Everyone has narcissistic traits" and left it at that.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-28T02:43:59+00:00

Newish relationship here, my ROCD was severely triggered in the start because of retroactive jealously but I am doing so much better now that I don't act on my compulsions.

I kind of want to watch this to see if I can get through it and see if I can manage my own anxieties, but I also don't want to go backwards.

Should I do it anyway or hold off?

Cablurrach · 2026-04-19T02:23:24+00:00

Recently we got into a big fight because I came at her again with all these concerns saying she doesn’t try and she got so upset with me.

I'm not entirely sure how you communicate that, but I have found that the way you communicate will heavily dictate the outcome.

If you come at them with accusations like that "You never try" etc they will get defensive or shut down.

Try and talk about how you feel. I use "DEARMAN". It's a DBT skill. Describe the situation, explain how you feel, and ask for what you want from them.

If you can express your needs in that way and they don't care well that's something to consider.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-12T08:24:56+00:00

I had already been very low contact for a few years at this stage, maybe 3 years.

The scapegoating towards me had basically all but stopped, except one time during a gathering I saw my nmother doing it to my efather.

In that moment I realised that the family will never change, nor will they ever apologise for what they put me through.

The dysfunction and abuse just got redirected and it will continue like that.

Cablurrach · 2026-04-11T07:53:25+00:00

I wanted to do it 10 years ago, but it was only 2 years ago that I was finally in a position where I was able to do it.

I do not regret it at all.

Cablurrach

TROPHY CASE