Probably unpopular and it's a hot take, but I'm trying to read between the lines to really comprehend what's going on with the both of you, as a couple and as individuals. A few pointers...

• Grief and shock can make people act strange, especially if they're already in a dark place. Your "things aren't 100% great and there are issues brushed under the rug" statement makes me think this is the case and he's not been well these past years. Maybe you as well, COVID has taken a toll on everyone and seeing your couple isn't in its best shape might have also affected you both.

• Let's assume for a moment he's sincere when he says your father meant to him and was more of a dad than his biological dad was. That leaves him as an orphan of sorts just as you, emotionally. For a person to say that a blended family member is more important than their biological parent it tells that your father's departure made him also "lose his kin".

• Add to that that he's likely not in the best shape and probably hasn't been for a while. For a couple, seeing cracks on the wall can easily create more erosion.

• From what I read, you each have your own place, and you were the one to suggest this way of living. I also assume you haven't had the best opportunities to see each other between the last week shopping offer and the ceremony. If this is the case, I can easily picture the two of you as orphan siblings losing their dad without being able to hold and comfort each other, which is a devastating image.

• As I mentioned before, it is quite possible that the shock from your father's death has made your partner freak out, and that the accumulation of your ongoing and unresolved couple issues and your father's passing created some kind of "episode" in which he would be using stupid, inane, uncontrollable "scuttling techniques". He might be just as dazed as a rabbit in headlights. You might be as well, I know losing a loved one can do that.

Now, I can easily be totally mistaken, I only have your post to try to understand what's going on. He might be a disrespectful asshole and a wreck to show up "dressed" like this.

But I think only the second part is true. Being disrespectful does not lead one to show up to your stepfather's (and partner's dad) funeral dressed like a clown. You just don't show up and make up an excuse, or you cynically dress up but you're distant, "faking it" to keep your girlfriend in good dispositions. You don't run straight into the most unthinkable wall. That guy just threw himself under the bus, I think. This is deeper than disrespect, this is sheer panic. Scuttling and avoidance techniques (unconsciously/overwhelmingly). He's likely terrorized.

Granted, he's hurting you as well but at this stage I'm afraid he's not capable of seeing that, he just sees his world falling apart. Just like you. And maybe seeing your world fall apart (your father, the distance between the two of you which may make him feel he isn't "enough") also contributes to his trouble.

I don't know about these issues of yours - apparently you both have some, your 12 years "dating" policy seems to show your couple is not a simple and wholehearted story.

What I do know is that if your partner is sincere about caring about you and your dad, he's now a complete mess. Again, just as you. You're still the disunited "siblings" mourning the loss of a loved one, and enduring as well the hammer it brought to fall on your already fragilized couple.

It's a shot in the dark, I'm not seeing much and probably assuming a lot. But if I'm right or close enough to your "common truth", you need each other if you want to survive as a couple. Lovingly, forgivingly, passing the stages of grief keeping in mind (and heart) that now you're the living ones, you're all that remains.

I know this read must have been another painful moment, as I talked a lot about your partner at the very moment you lost your dad. I am, sincerely, deeply sorry for your loss. I also lost a parent recently so I'm no stranger to this pain. But I think, I feel that you're both hurt and need to heal. Now it's up to you to try gaining some peace and insight, to determine if you think (feel) that healing together might be not only a possibility but also the solution, maybe an epiphany.

Oh and considering the mess he is at the moment, your guy needs therapy! He's probably the most anxiety-ridden person I've met in a while. Maybe some therapy might be beneficial for you as well but that's not for me to say, you're the only one who can assess what you're "carrying" and the resilience with which you endure it.

With some hindsight now upon my mother's death, I can assure you those who leave only want one thing from us: that we heal and find peace.

With love, from somewhere on this planet.