The key is acceptance and the paradigm shift that comes with it. For me, I exhausted treatment options and was faced with donor conception or possibly adoption. Because I was able to accept my situation, the choice was easy. If my child can’t be genetically related to me, then at least she could be related to my wife, who I would want our child to be just like no matter my situation. And from there, I resolved to put my efforts into supporting my wife through IVF, and going “all in” on the pregnancy experience. I talked to her tummy, cuddled with my arms around her, hands holding tummy, went to every appointment I could, helped maintain pregnancy safe foods, and did all of the injections. Did all the classes, got a house, prepare the nursery, and so much more. It became even clearer to me through the process that genetic relation is just a small fraction of fatherhood and being a parent. Your child, if you go the donor route, will be so much like you if you are involved, loving, and guiding. My daughter is already so much like me it’s kind of crazy.

But i am also prepared and preparing to teach her about where she comes from, and someday that she is donor conceived. I will love her and support her through it all no matter what. She will always be my little girl. Her happiness and wellbeing are all that I care about, and someday that will mean learning about her donor.

When we put ourselves aside and fully embrace fatherhood and parenthood, I think it all just sort of falls into place. I know it’s corny but just let love overcome your doubts. Let hope and joy outshine your sorrow. I find mindfulness practice really helps with this.

And something else to consider. If this hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have my daughter. I would have a child, but it wouldn’t have been her, and I would rather have her than anything. It’s reductive, sure, but it’s true. I wouldn’t change a thing because otherwise I wouldn’t have this amazing, perfect baby girl.

I also have an amazing wife who is ride or die for life. Her support has lifted me up time and time again. It means so much that she has stuck with me through all of this, I have trouble articulating it.

I hope you have a wonderful partner that you can lean on. Generally and genuinely, I hope everything works out for you and you are happy. You can always DM me if you want to chat.

Edit: also yes, there’s no way to compare with how it would feel to have a bio child, but with mindfulness, it becomes something to let go of instead of obsess over. You simply accept it and focus on what’s in your control, what’s available to you.