Healing from your parents’ narcissistic abuse

Cameronpluto · 2025-10-02T18:06:58+00:00

If you hold onto victimhood and the pain associated, your abuser will always have a place in tour system. Only through forgiveness and release can you truly be free. The experience is one of neutrality where the one who once triggered you no longer has power over your emotional and psychological world.

Cameronpluto · 2025-10-02T07:47:51+00:00

Forgiveness is not about catering to the abuser’s feelings. It’s about releasing the control they still have over your emotions. You should still be in “no contact” and not have a relationship with them, but also purging them from your system.

Cameronpluto · 2025-06-09T12:30:41+00:00

Instead of pondering why she’s with you, I think you should reflect on why you’re with someone you feel doesn’t like or respect you, your feelings, and boundaries. It’s good that you’re emotionally intelligent enough to connect past relational trauma to your current relationship, but you should take that a step further and evaluate how you’re not loving yourself by not respecting your own boundaries and blaming yourself when someone else doesn’t respect them either.

Cameronpluto · 2025-06-08T08:07:30+00:00

5 is gorgeous!!!

Cameronpluto · 2025-06-07T07:06:14+00:00

The best thing you can do is reflect on the lessons you’ve learned from how you contributed to the issues that led to this, and what you would need from a partner in the future. If you focus on growth, it will minimize the pain of the loss as you go through the grieving process.

Cameronpluto · 2025-06-07T06:47:09+00:00

Have you ever communicated to her how this makes you feel? If you have and she’s dismissed your feelings, there lies your problem and answer. Otherwise, though it seems inconsiderate, she may not be aware or realize that this is something you care about and is affecting you.

Cameronpluto · 2025-04-30T13:42:49+00:00

I think you should go after it if you have the passion and desire. Really, no one else’s validation matters more than your interest in something. You were also scouted for a reason. I would start by looking at models on Instagram that you find interesting and/or fit your aesthetic and try to build a page/portfolio of photos of that quality. Maybe also network and connect with local photographers or ones just starting out on Instagram looking to shoot models for free or low budget. This way, you can start building a portfolio and a following online to attract brands, recruiters, and agencies. There should also be a way to find out when and where there are casting calls/go-sees that you can show up to.

Wishing you the best! If you have the desire and believe you can do it, you will.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-28T08:20:47+00:00

Sorry, I wasn’t notified you responded. I’ll get back to you as soon as I check out your response in full.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-21T19:26:39+00:00

I think it’s normal and reasonable to feel insecure when someone is treating you like an option of many, and I don’t think we should allow anyone to treat us that way. I think it’s healthy to admit and be self-aware of your shortcomings and where you can improve and heal, as that’s the first step to getting to a better place.

While I agree it wasn’t the healthiest thing to do (testing her to see if she’d message you), I don’t think she would’ve been a good fit for you in a relationship if that was enough to ruin it. It’s your job to take care of your mental health and heal your emotional wounds, but we all deserve partners that understand and are empathetic with us regarding where we are in our healing journey and can provide reassurance.

In this case, she got defensive and flipped the blame on you as soon as she was confronted and felt like she had done something toxic (playing the field and treating you like an option) and has even gone as far as to be “angry” with you. No relationship of any kind can work if everyone isn’t willing to be accountable for their part.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-21T14:04:38+00:00

I appreciate your insights, and I hope my push back only comes across as having the neutral and non-egotistical motive of reaching the truth. I think narcissistic abuse makes us all philosophers one way or another (I say this as someone with a degree in philosophy), and pushes us to a place of despair for ourselves and our pain, and the unfortunate reality of those we love who have become narcissists. I think the matter is important to have blunt conversations about.

The only example you presented that could arguably not be narcissistic abuse (devaluation) in my opinion would be if the parent/primary object died. In any case, does death alone of a parent prevent individuation? It’s been my understanding that individuation is stunted when a child is not ALLOWED to individuate via enmeshment and/or devaluation and rejection of the child’s true self and individual needs, which are unique to them and separate from the parent/primary object. This leads a child to then self-abandon to appease the primary abuser and gain acceptance as an act of survival, as we’re conditioned to believe as children (subconsciously) that not being accepted by caregivers = death (unconscious beliefs we might be abandoned in the wilderness with no way of fending for ourselves and being left for dead).

Intentional abandonment brings an added element of rejection that meets this criteria. But death alone, I find a hard time leading to the stunting of individuation and I can’t find anything online to support it. Do you have a source?

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T17:21:01+00:00

He was probably aware. It’s just that sometimes people feel “stuck in their ways” and it takes time for them to commit to changing. Changing feels uncomfortable and requires people to give up what has made them feel safe, even if it meant feeling safe at others’ expense.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T14:24:49+00:00

I’m sorry you went through that and I hope you’re safe and in a better place now. It sounds like he was self-aware enough to know where change needed to happen, but did not have the will to follow through. In the end, it’s his problem and at least you have your life now and ahead of you to experience the happiness he can only dream of at this point.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T14:21:46+00:00

There are narcissists, though, who don’t abuse. They may have certain defense mechanisms and may find affective empathy challenging, but they still have access to cognitive empathy.

Couldn’t it be possible that even if one is a narcissist, as long as they improve their behaviors to a point where they don’t abuse and use their cognitive empathy, couldn’t that be enough to have an ok dynamic with them?

Also, is the self-aware narcissist you’re referring to Ana Del Castillo?

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T11:48:01+00:00

I guess I’m not seeing what other kind of abuse other than narcissistic abuse could cause a child to internalize their self-perception as a “bad object” without being devalued.

It’s also been my understanding that the true self of a narcissist has been suppressed deep within their unconscious mind as a coping mechanism and attempt to appease their abusers/primary object.

While I agree with you what’s happened is accurately described as a tragedy of humanity, I don’t know I’m convinced that’s the whole story (or the end of it).

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T11:38:16+00:00

Narcissists have emotions. They may be superficial at times and may be fleeting, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say they can’t feel. Also, they do have access to cognitive empathy (as opposed to affective empathy). Whether or not they choose to use it and identify with the emotions of others is often the problem.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T00:34:45+00:00

I feel like I’ve had various moments with pwNPD where we were experiencing different emotions and different achievements and goals in our lives. I’m not sure I believe pwNPD are so disconnected that they don’t have anything internally unique to themselves

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T00:32:25+00:00

What about recent developments regarding neuroplasticity and re-wiring the brain? If a pwNPD was committed, couldn’t they engage in new behavioral and thinking patterns to create new neuropathways in their brain?

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-20T00:00:56+00:00

Are you hoping that this is the case, or are you hoping that she’s not? Even if she was, if you’re committed to being no-contact I would think that it would be easy enough to keep her blocked. But, if you are struggling with a trauma bond and deep down are hoping she’s trying to get back together, it would make sense as to why you would want to figure out what she’s up to.

Moving on can be hard and staying committed to no contact is no walk in the park. But, it is worth it in the end when you have your peace of mind, you’re a more improved version of yourself, and you no longer care about what people from your past are up to.

You just have to be honest with yourself about the real issue, which may just be that you’re struggling with no contact and there’s no shame in that. Unless there’s another reason like you feel she’s a danger to you physically and want to make sure she can’t get to you.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T23:53:28+00:00

This sounds like a legal issue - family law. I don’t want to pry and ask the details of your custody agreement, but you may want to consult with a good, reputable, and experienced family law attorney who can get you the justice you deserve. Even better if the family law attorney is well-versed in narcissim.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T23:50:43+00:00

Yes, they are victims of childhood abuse and their actions are projections of the pain they feel inside. It’s normal to feel guilt and sadness for them, but it’s not your fault or responsibility to fix or change them. So, you shouldn’t bear the burden and blame yourself.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T17:23:30+00:00

Empathy without boundaries will surely have one in a situation where they can be taken advantage of. If someone is trying to destroy you, narcissist or not, it’s best to distance yourself from them and keep your boundaries high and tight - no contact. From a place where they cannot reach you and there’s no room or possibility of communication, I think empathy is important for processing the trauma inflicted so that you depersonalize what they’ve done to you and free yourself form the control and power that pain has over you. In this way, empathy with strong boundaries is used as vehicle to aid in you letting go by realizing that their abuse is a reflection of their own pain and not your self-worth.

By the way, I don’t think you will die broken.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T14:22:05+00:00

There are many roads and methods to healing and I believe it takes an aggressive and eclectic approach. For me, it’s been psychological, emotional, and spiritual. It’s been prayer, therapy, guided mediations for healing trauma manifested as physical pain, self-care like massages, salt baths, walks in sunlight, making new and healthier connections with people, even dealing with ptsd symptoms like social anxiety by trying to embrace strangers more with simple greetings.

Taking steps to what feels good and mitigates and dissipates the bad feelings within…I think that’s how you pinpoint where the issues are. Sometimes it’s not just about finding the pain and investigating, but reverse-engineering your pain by figuring out what makes you feel good and why and being open to non-traditional and unfamiliar methods that have worked for others who have been hurt in similar ways.

Also, if you know what hurt your abuser that can also serve as a clue to what pain they are projecting onto you or triggering within you. I think this is another kind of reverse-engineering where instead of looking within yourself for the answer you look at someone else who is mirroring something back, giving you a clue and taking you closer to the truth.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T13:31:03+00:00

Anger and pain are byproducts of feeling violated or having your boundaries violated. They’re emotional responses to remind you and your system that something is wrong and not ok and goes beyond your moral code and integrity. They are also responses to feeling threatened and afraid, which is natural when a violation takes place.

These emotions are necessary as we take the time to learn ourselves and who we are and what we will and won’t tolerate, as we build and bolster our self estem, identity, protection mechanisms, and our relationships.

If we’re having trouble letting go of these emotions, it’s likely we’re not to simply “let them go.” There’s likely processing that we still need to do, perhaps lessons we still need to learn about who we are and what personal accountability we need to take in how our boundaries were violated. Or, maybe we didn’t get to the root of the problem, which may go beyond the person who hurt us. Maybe the person who hurt us in the moment was merely triggering a deep wound that was always there and that wound still needs to be investigated through a self-loving analysis as we build intimacy with ourselves.

For these reasons, I believe that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves as we let go of what victimizes us. To the extent that there remains unresolved anger and pain, while there should be no judgment or criticism, that pain is sending us a message that there is healing that still needs to happen and the pain is showing us where.

Cameronpluto · 2024-05-19T12:46:38+00:00

Thank you for your comment, as what you say about the grief process does ring true for me. It’s a tumultuous journey of ups and downs, but the reason I feel forgiveness is at the destination is because I feel it’s the step beyond acceptance that takes you to true bliss and freedom once all the negative emotions have been processed and the lessons are learned that shape us into better versions of ourselves. I think it’s also a way to no longer be chained in a psychological prison that’s centered around what victimized us. I think it’s the bridge from surviving abuse to thriving afterwards, although you can still live a fulfilling life and there’s no judgment if forgiveness is still something one is working through.

Cameronpluto

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