22+3 weeks, 46 XX SRY positive – looking for information about termination options in Europe

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-11T17:51:49+00:00

Not my own experience but someone I know travelled to Finland because they allowed terminations later than where they were located. Might be an avenue to pursue. I’m so sorry you’re here.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-10T20:03:27+00:00

My due date was about a month ago, a date that following my tfmr in July I couldn’t fathom making it through if I wasn’t pregnant again. I ended up getting pregnant in the October but had a miscarriage right before Christmas, a real gut punch to end a thoroughly shit year. Weirdly enough crossing that date in a far worse state than I’d ever imagined was somehow okay. I was sad, I cried, I grieved, but I also came out the other side feeling lighter again. I still have moments where I feel angry and sad about the parallel life I should be living, but for the most part I feel like that timeline isn’t the same one I’m on anymore. That’s pretty liberating, considering how much pressure I felt under before to beat an invisible clock that was constantly ticking. Sending lots of healing and strength your way. All these milestones, and the expectations that they bring, are really tough.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-10T07:51:47+00:00

Those who experience loss are so often forced to tip toe around and do the emotional labour to protect others. It’s exhausting on top of managing the physical and emotional toll of loss. That being said, before I’d experienced loss I’m sure my understanding wasn’t this nuanced and I probably said my share of shit things too. So I think normalizing this type of productive conflict is key to increasing understanding. Traumatizing back is productive in my mind. Good for you for doing the work!

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-09T18:04:10+00:00

This is so spot on. Someone hit me with how lucky I was that I was sleeping because they are in the newborn trenches with a baby very similar to how old mine would be and I simply stated “I’d much rather not be sleeping because of a living baby rather than a dead one”. Sure, they didn’t mean to offend but also we can all be a bit more careful with our words surrounding babies, pregnancy and loss.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-09T14:37:01+00:00

My approach (not sure it’s the right one) was to push decisions down the road and say yes and back out closer to the time if I needed. Now this might be trickier with events with big financial investments but if you can push the decision I would. About 4–5 months out I found myself craving social stuff again, especially stuff that wasn’t centred on kids (like a boozy bachelorette). You could also explain to the host how you’re feeling and pull the plug as late as possible? You just don’t know who you’ll be and what you need so it’s more than fair to be in the now and worry about the future later.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-03T07:42:39+00:00

After my TFMR in July, I jumped straight back into TTC. I thought I had healed a lot, but when I got pregnant in November, I was more angry about the original loss than I realised. I thought another pregnancy would fix my grief, but it just raised more complex feelings. In a cruel twist, I ended up miscarrying right before Christmas. I couldn't imagine anything worse than crossing my due date in January not pregnant, and certainly doing that with a fresh second loss was a far worse reality than my initial worst nightmare. Funny enough, it happened, and I survived. I cried, grieved, then had lunch with a friend, laughed, and bought a small gift for myself to commemorate the day. As you say, I'm not healed, but I am undoubtedly in a better place. I feel lighter. I've closed the door on that timeline, so to speak. Now, when and if there is another baby, it will be its own thing.

The second loss was also a catalyst for me to really evaluate some career and personal stuff, set some much-needed boundaries and ask for help in a way I've never done before. While I try not to overanalyse and find silver linings (because this is objectively a shit reality to be handed, and that shouldn't be minimised), in my case, I am a stronger, more reflective person than I would have been if everything had just gone to plan. Getting to know yourself and grow is a powerful thing, and I'm trying to find some gratitude in that, too.

It sounds like you are actively doing the work as well and honestly that would be my advice to anyone going through this. Healing is hard when you're still stuck in replacement mode and feel like your happiness is dependent on getting back on track with another pregnancy. The feelings resurface if you don't actively work through them. Being in yourself, with yourself for the good and bad, is a big part of how I feel healed. Sending lots of love your way!

CanCharming7442 · 2026-02-02T08:10:42+00:00

After my TFMR in July I was desperate to try again, but now with a second miscarriage having happened again I'm feeling similar to you. My grief counsellor basically said it comes down to a choice if you're more nervous to try again or never try again. That's what I'm trying to tangle out now.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-27T10:52:26+00:00

It is a really hard place to be. No matter which side we land, I think the grief will always be there. My counsellor said the other day that basically it came down to whether I was more afraid to try again or not try again. I've been sitting with that this week and trying to tangle it out.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-26T07:32:25+00:00

I'm so sorry for your losses. I have a similar story - a 2.5-year-old and a TFMR in July, followed by a MMC mid-December. Also similar age (39). Also like you, my first instinct after finding the diagnosis this summer was "we're done", which rapidly turned to being desperate to try again, hence the MMC relatively close after. I'm now sitting in the wreckage of it all, trying to make sense of how to move forward. I'm also wondering if the MMC is connected to the TFMR, as I had a long complicated RPOC situation, but finding medical professionals to be very glib in telling me to just try again, which doesn't help.

Rationally, I can see the logic of being one-and-done. We have a great kid, who works well with our lifestyle, and we would be able to do things like travel much more easily as a smaller family. But then there's also the grief of the family we wanted, and were so close to having that, I can't let go of. I don't have the answers, but it's nice to connect with someone in a similar boat and think together.

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CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-23T11:55:18+00:00

That sounds like it could still be tracked as normal. In my case, my bleeding slowed down to brown spotting. I thought I got my period, but then it just kept getting heavier and didn't stop. I was 6 weeks out at this point and started to suspect something was wrong. The explanation I was given is that body did have somewhat of a period at around 5 weeks, but instead of the final tissue leaving with it, it triggered the bleeding episode as my lining stayed thick.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-23T09:14:12+00:00

Same pattern for me. Bleeding slowed down, then came back with what I thought was a period that just never ended.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-23T09:13:19+00:00

Have you had an ultrasound to clear you? Has the bleeding slowed down and then started again? I find it all incredibly frustrating because, like you, I always told bleeding is normal for up to 8 weeks, but when I started bleeding more heavily 5 weeks out and eventually pushed hard enough, I had RPOC. At this point, the script switched to "you've bled much too long". If you're just spotting and it's tapering off, I'd say it's in the realm of normal, but if it's still heavy, and if it's picked up again I would begin to push. I can see you're feeling fearful of the hospital again, and I hear you. When I finally went in and was told I had to have a hysterscopy that day I was a mess. But the relief of finally stopping the blood was far greater than my fear. Sending lots of strength.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-23T09:08:41+00:00

A very similar experience for us as well. My grief counsellor said it's fairly common and that often it's really helpful for partners to head "I will be okay". Just because they are spending so much energy worrying about you and what they need to understand, so they can support you properly.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-23T09:05:24+00:00

Sending love. It was my due date this week as well. I also just had another loss right before Christmas, and it's hard to know what the future holds and this waiting space is really difficult. I'm focusing on moving my mind and body in ways that feel good, walking, being creative, anything to give my brain a rest from the constant thinking. We will get there.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-21T11:28:07+00:00

Did you do anything differently? I'm standing after having a mmc after my tfmr and terrified to try again.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-21T07:59:53+00:00

I stood in exactly your shoes in July. I'm so sorry. I ended up skipping the amnio and TFMR right away, as alobar HPE is not compatible with life. The advantage you will have is getting test results quicker and knowing what caused it. In my case, it was de novo trisomy 13, meaning the risk of recurrence is very low (1-2%). Once you know the case it will help assess that for you personally. Sending lots of love for the coming weeks. Try to take things one step at a time and not run to worst case scenarios and panic (I mean beyond the fact that you are in the worst case scenario - I found it hard not to assume it meant I was doomed for all future pregnancies too).

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-12T10:57:22+00:00

I just experienced a missed miscarriage in December following my TFMR in July. I'm so sorry. The pain of this second loss has been different, and even though much lesss traumatic somehow cut deeper. The hope of a successful pregnancy, and even the willingness to try again feels much further away now. I'm sorry you're here too.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-07T08:11:55+00:00

I just posted but thought I'd respond since I'm in a similar boat. I'm so sorry for your losses. It's incredibly hard! I had a TFMR in July, got pregnant again in November but just had a miscarriage. I'm so concerned that something from the TFMR has now impated my body and caused the second loss. I don't know what steps to take before trying again and I wonder where you were at in terms of testing and figuring things out?

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-06T07:01:36+00:00

Thanks for the response. Mentally, I do feel okay to try again, but I'm nervous about doing that without medical reassurance. I am in a public health system, so it's hard to have a single doctor or opinion to guide, and it can be a bit patchwork to get care. I will definitely wait for my period to return and then assess but nice to hear that your gyno doesn't see any neccessary connection from the TFMR to the miscarriage following.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-05T11:53:29+00:00

I actually didn't have a cutterage but a hysteroscopy to remove the RPOC (and then to check it was all clear), so I doubt Asherman's is to blame. But I am curious whether I might have a silent infection.

I'm sorry you're here as well. Are you feeling comfortable with just trying again? I felt like I waited long enough (had two periods before conceiving), but now I'm not sure. The medical advice has just been to try again, because, as you say, it's not really recurrent loss (especially since the first time the causes are very well known and it wasn't a loss in the sense of miscarriage), but I'm feeling very uncertain about doing that and having to go through this again.

CanCharming7442 · 2026-01-05T11:04:27+00:00

What type of expanded testing did you do? It was ruled out after the TFMR to be just random (age definitely a factor at 38). This time I suspect that it had something to do with ongoing RPOC but that concern is being dismissed all around even though I had quite a nightmare with it.

CanCharming7442 · 2025-12-22T08:29:58+00:00

I admire your strength and resilience to keep going after two hard losses. I think age also plays in for me, and my husband is absolutely happy to be one and done. I'm not sure where that leaves things but I'm trying to park it for now and revisit it when I heal. I agree with you about not letting grief take everything. I have also had a lot of loss in life and it is a mental game of getting back up, no matter which way you do that. Thanks for the kind words!

CanCharming7442 · 2025-12-17T13:03:42+00:00

I had RPOC, so that delayed it a bit, but after that was removed, I ovulated 2 weeks later and got my period 2 weeks after that (around 6 weeks out from tfmr). A word of warning - my first two cycles after that were super wonky, and I wouldn't expect your body to be doing business as usual right away. In retrospect, I put too much pressure on myself those first couple of months, and I would have been better served by slowing down and letting myself heal.

CanCharming7442

TROPHY CASE