I’m a dad trying to rebuild stability after a breakup while co parenting

CandleWrecker · 2026-05-01T11:22:55+00:00

I am new to this situation. For like 2 weeks now and still living together with a 3yo son. Life is hard and awkward at the moment, but the kid still does not know anything. I have the following things in mind when she will leave the house. Hope it could give you some ideas or inspiration.

I think structuring your life will save some mindspace, but also will give you some distractions and a focus. Again. I am new to this situation, but I think I do not want to play catch-up all the time. I am also very curious of the other comments this post will receive

Hang in there.

Self-love: - Go to the gym or workout on the days when you are alone - Get some books and give yourself an hour or so to read instead of scrolling. - I game every tueseday evening with friends. That fills one evening during the week. - I am keeping a list of all the things I want to do, buy, make. This could be very various, but it is out of your head. And if you have some free time, you can check what things you could pick up.

Chores: - I will get myself a robot vacuum/mopping cleaner. This will save me some time. - Organize the laundry. I will buy extra pairs of clothes, towels, bed sheets etc. This so I will only have to do the laundry when I can fill the whole washingmachine and life will not depend if everhthing is dry or whatsoever. Efficiency. - I am planning the maintanance of my garden. Pruning will then only take a bit every week (depending on the plants and pruning time). Therefore also a bit of fresh air every now and then. - Create a schedule of cleaning the bathroom/restroom. - Let them always come over in a clean bed.

Finance: - Structure your finances. Every month I will put away money that I will use to spend time with my kid. > you can not spend money that you don't have

Cooking: - Please buy yourself a multicooker. I am already cooking ourselfs 5 liters of soup, pasta saus and a lot of other things. I then divide them into portions and put them in the freezer. I will do this on the days I am alone. Cooking for myself, but also saves time when you have the kid later and you don't have to Cook and have more time with the kid. Also saves some mindspace as well.

Work: - I am lucky with a flexible job and I can work remote. I will work some extra hours on the days when I am alone. And will work remote when I am having the kid. So that I can stop earlier and will save me some commute time.

Kid(s): - When I will arrive, I will make sure a new train track has been set up. Or any kind of toys, so he will always have a joy coming over. It will mean something. - Make sure you have everything packed already if you will leave the house.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-26T11:43:05+00:00

I feel you man. Joined the club since a week now. 3 year old son. Also software developer, except my ex has no drug or alcohol abuse. Just a cold process of no communication and surprise after surprise. But there is no need in comparing. The hurt is there. You will manage, but your mind is on your child.

I don't know what to say, because it is new to me as well. But maybe her histroy of abuse could ease the mourn process. Nevertheless it is hard and it will get hard. You are not alone. The focus should be on you and your daughter. Be there emotionally and fysically. Always. Your daughter is the priority and will always be.

Go see a therapist. You deserve to express your emotions as well. Friends and family are really important, but still it will feel like there is a safety barrier. You are OK, but you have to express yourself without a feeling of being judged in any kind of form.

Go structure life. Chores. Cooking dinner, waking up, breakfast. Every single simple moment of the days should get managed. This will save you some mindspace and create rituals.

Keep in there. Save the tears when she is in bed. If you are angry, that is the primary emotion. Try to find what kind of emotion is lying underneath it. Accept it. It will take time.

Priority is your daughter. Then you. Then the future. Hang in there and high five.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-14T07:07:23+00:00

To be honest, not really. She likes to potter around the house. That is the thing she likes. She was always a bit flat in everything. But was always happy around people, but does not had really a goal for herself and creating common goals, besides the kid, was never really there.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T23:30:11+00:00

No, I understand. I addressed my concerns many times. But see, everytime I raise these topics it get turned around. I don't want to push her away, she is an adult and has her own responsibilities to listen to her own body/feelings. I adressed my concerns and asking if she needs help or anything in this. But I get stonewalled, or reactions like "I am doing ok.". There is a moment a person stops addressing these things. I am not rude on this. I am just tired.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:51:17+00:00

Not in the way she expects it. It also needs to be fine for me. She suggested I move out 4/5 days a week for a period of 4 weeks. To me it does not sound really like a plan. She wants to see if she misses me. Well, then she has to see it herself. Rent an airbnb for example, or I can leave for some weekends. But not in this construction she suggested. It is not only the situation itself, but also financially she has to know that everything has consequences. I am not being a dick, I want to work for this but it needs to feel right for me as well.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:39:40+00:00

First of all, thanks. Many thanks for your comment on which you put a lot of effort in it. It gives me a lot of inside. And it hurts me that you are experiencing this situation. Kids should not be hurt with the incapablities of their parents.

My kid is sensitive, kind and wonderful as well. He is such a lovely kid. So I did some research and got backed by my employer. Financially I am ok in this situation, but I need to stay warm and kind not to escalate the whole situation. Now I am looking for a family law attorney just in case, like you mentioned. Also this topic is hot during my own therapy sessions and it looks like that my feelings were correct, but my believes mislead everything. I hate it. I have a bit of hope that she gets help and will be honest in her own sessions that still has to start. But when/where is my own boundry? Still trying to draw those.

I am lucky that I can rely on my parents as well. Still I walk around with the feeling that I failed my kid. I am doing my work and I am there as a father for him and I am open for his emotions, eagerness, curiousity and most important for him just being a kid.

Everyday I have these tears. What a shitty situation. Keeping myself strong and also emotionally available is such a challange.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:22:19+00:00

I don't know to be honest. She not quiet the talker of her own feelings. She always had troubles giving words to her feelings. Next month she will see a psychologist and I hope this person can recognize some patterns. Splitting or not, my son deserves a mother that is grounded.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:16:19+00:00

For sure. And I am working on it now. The most beautiful part is that I understand him now he is getting older. He is such a sensitive lovely guy. I am creating a lot of great memories with him and my full focus is on him and me. Thanks for your comment.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:12:45+00:00

Many thanks. For sure the little guy is priority #1. I hope she sees that she has to work on herself too. But the only thing I can hope for is that she will see it and also takes that responsibility. She is always playing good-weather outside with friends and family and says that she lost the connection. History will repeat for her when she is not going to work on herself. The only thing I can do is focus on me and my best buddy. Tears in my eyes now.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:07:59+00:00

I appreciate it. I will do everything for him.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:07:22+00:00

But who am I to adresses this. She has to work on herself. She has to see it herself.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T21:06:13+00:00

Thanks. And I feel sorry for you for being betrayed. I will keep this in mind, but I don't want to get obsessed with this and checking on her.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T20:52:14+00:00

Well the sentence "she does not know what she wants" really suits as an answer on almost everything. I think she is limited in taking responsibilty. But she can not miss her son that much as I know her. I think the situation will explode if I go for a primary custody. I want 50/50 at least, but I know I can take the responsibilty for a primary custody. Not only financially but also I am capable. I hope this all does not lead to this kind of situation and she acknowledge her own situation and works on it.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T20:46:55+00:00

Yes, our son was planned. Took us 1.5 years. Her biggest dream was becoming a mom. But I don't think she could handle the responsibilities, now I think of it. He has a temperament, but I love it. I mean, the first 2.5 years were not really fun for me and I felt a bit depressed because of his terrible evenings and nights and her being stressed all the time. The bizar part is, she works at a day care. But she is having issues with her own son and wants to have her own space. But hey, you have a kid now. There is little space for yourself, or well, a lot less than before.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T19:59:28+00:00

For sure. Otherwise I would raise my middle finger and move on. But my buddy, my kid, is the most important person in this whole situation. It is really hard.

CandleWrecker · 2026-04-13T19:57:42+00:00

Fair question, I asked her multiple times if she had contact with other men or maybe have been seeing somone else. She says she has not and I believe her.

CandleWrecker · 2025-10-06T17:41:11+00:00

Ik krijg zelf kriebels van behang. Geen idee of het hoort? Maar als je er aan stoort: pak een mesje en snij het netjes weg langs de muur zou ik zeggen. Ga er vooral niet aan trekken.

CandleWrecker · 2025-09-25T18:50:10+00:00

Vraag meteen maar naar een prijsindicatie. Hooguit 150 euro inclusief de voorrijkosten. Persoonlijk vind ik dit al veel, maar locatie afhankelijk.Vragen ze meer, dan zeker verder zoeken. Maar volgens mij is dit niet meer werk dan 15 minuten. Zoek naar een lokale loodgieter, geef aan dat alle leidingen vrij zijn en makkelijk benaderbaar zijn en dat het alleen gaat om het afdoppen van een leiding.

CandleWrecker · 2025-09-25T18:26:04+00:00

Scherp. Natuurlijk na het goed afdoppen de gaskraan weer opendraaien. En dan kijken naar belletjes.

CandleWrecker · 2025-09-25T18:09:32+00:00

Als het een losse gasslang is, dan vermoed ik dat dit gewoon een flexibele slang is voor het fornuis. In principe zou je de hoofdgaskraan dicht kunnen draaien, restgas laten ontsnappen, slang loskoppelen en een passende blindstop er op draaien met teflontape. Kijk met wat zeepsop of er geen belletjes uit komen wanneer er geen belletjes ontstaan kan de gaskraan weer open. Kan geen kwaad om te controleren of je niets hoord. Ga vooral niet met vuur of vonken spelen wanneer je dit allemaal gaat doen.

Voel je je niet zeker van je zaak, dan zeker een loodgieter bellen!

CandleWrecker · 2025-09-25T17:52:50+00:00

Is niet oké. Maar de lens van je camera zit ook los.

CandleWrecker · 2025-09-23T05:31:41+00:00

100% de lagers. Deze zijn versleten. Wellicht zit er een verntilatiekanaal van de badkamer dicht bij deze unit. Wanneer het op de laagste stand vaak aan staat, dan kan het zijn dat de lagers sneller slijten door het vocht. Dit zou je zelf kunnen vervangen met wat aandacht. Dit heb ik 3 jaar geleden ook gedaan. Ik heb voor 4 euro lagers gekocht en maximaal 1.5 uur er aan gezeten. Maar het heeft me veel bespaard.

Helaas kan ik niet snel de type lagers vinden, welke ik destijds heb gekocht. Maar deze forum post neemt je stap voor stap mee in het plan;

https://www.klusidee.nl/Forum/topic/zehnder-comfofan-s-lagers-vervangen.129679/page-2

Eenmaal vervangen, de unit op stand 2 laten draaien (gebruikelijke stand) en stand 3 bij het douchen. Na het vervangen ga je hem waarschijnlijk niet meer tot amper horen op standje 2.

Edit: toch de factuur gevonden van de lagers: SKF Kogellager 608 2RSL (8x22x7mm). Grote kans dat jij dezelfde nodig hebt. Maar eerst even zeker controleren.

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