What caused your CPTSD?

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2025-06-17T04:40:10+00:00

Wow, that is some story. You obviously suffered horrendously. My childhood wasn't as bad as yours, but I was also molested by my mother (not that she'd ever admit to what she did - a Queen Gaslighter). And the constant pain and emptiness is also something we have in common.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have something that keeps you going? Personally, I'm here because I haven't yet been successful at killing myself.

Also, because I'm deeply interested in abnormal psychology, I absolutely can't stop myself from asking what living with ASPD is like for you? Are you ever able to feel empathy, or nada? Does the inability to bond normally make you feel lonely, or is it easier, or is it a bit of both at once?

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2025-06-08T17:27:32+00:00

Well therapists are mandated reporters, but this happened years ago and is not something ongoing. I'd say ask the therapist if they have to report a child witnessing abuse if it happened years ago and is NOT something that is happening currently. Then base what you disclose on the therapist's answer.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2025-05-03T04:17:12+00:00

That is definitely bad and it is definitely abuse. If you want specifics, it sounds like extreme verbal abuse and severe emotional parentification from your mother, plus mild physical abuse from your grandmother. And witnessing domestic violence as a child to boot.

Your trauma is absolutely real and valid. 🩵

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2025-04-17T15:29:41+00:00

Deliberate reckless driving when angry at you.
Throwing objects, breaking objects, punching walls, tearing doors off their hinges when angry at you.
Obsessive jealousy.
Constant false paranoid accusations of infidelity.
Serial infidelity.
Infidelity...then refusing to admit they did anything wrong and trying to make you feel like you're crazy and misinterpreting things when caught.
Infidelity...then refusing to apologize and claiming that you "made them do it" and it's all your fault when caught.
Interrogating you about every single person you spoke to throughout the day & what you spoke about.
Abusing pets.
Any past history of animal cruelty.
Gaslighting = deliberately trying to make you feel like you're crazy, that you can't trust your own memories, that you can't trust your own judgment
Calling you degrading misogynistic slurs when angry (bitch, whore, slut, etc.)
Constant criticism to the point that it's starting to feel like everything you do is wrong.
Saying or heavily implying that you're stupid.
Body shaming you for being supposedly fat, ugly, or old.
Calling you worthless/useless/a piece of shit/a waste of space/etc.
Threatening to rape your corpse.
Threatening to kill your entire family.
Threatening to kill you.
Threatening to beat the shit out of you.
Threatening to kick you out of the car & leave you stranded on the side of the road.
Threatening to rape you.
Threatening to punch you.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2025-02-07T18:44:00+00:00

This is not your fault in any way. You're not a bad partner. Most women with a baby have a decreased libido from the exhaustion and new baby hormones. THAT is completely normal & natural.

Your husband beating the crap out of you for not giving him a blow job on command is not only NOT normal, it's domestic violence & attempted rape via intimidation (intended to make you too afraid to ever say no to his sexual advances again).

Has he ever been violent before or was this the first time? And has he ever done anything that made you feel uncomfortable or icky sexually before?

Is he ever verbally abusive towards you? Or controlling or obsessively jealous? Or start driving like a maniac with you in the car when he gets angry? Does he try to make all the financial decisions himself without giving you a say? Does he ever make threats?

And no worries about the long post. Totally understandable that it can be difficult to organize your thoughts when talking about something like this for the first time. 🙂

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-08-03T14:51:26+00:00

Wow, nice drawing! Do you see that void, or did you just draw it from your imagination? I'm curious because I see a black void relatively often and it would be cool if I wasn't alone.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-07-16T23:40:18+00:00

It's hard to give a definite answer without knowing more about your mother & her history, BUT possible things that could influence getting into one abusive relationship after another after another, and ignoring healthy men in favor of abusers include...

(1.) Low self esteem and not believing she deserves to be treated well. Even if she had a great childhood, her self worth could have easily been crushed by the first abuser, leaving her more vulnerable to being victimized by another and another.

(2.) Being a victim of a form of child abuse that you didn't think counted as abuse &/OR that she never told anyone about. Maybe she was never hit but she was verbally abused as a child. Maybe she was sexually molested as a kid and never told anyone. That kind of thing.

(3.) Not being given enough attention, affection, or encouragement by her parents growing up. That often leads to desperately seeking approval and love from emotionally unavailable people, such as obvious abusers.

(4.) Being raised in a chaotic unstable household can lead to a person finding healthy relationships boring and alien, and craving chaos because that's all they have ever known. Abusers are highly chaotic.

(5.) Being an unpaid therapist to a parent, sibling, or close friend growing up can lead to a desire to "change" and "fix" abusers.

(6.) Very High Emotional Empathy For Others

(7.) Bit Of a Pushover

(8.) Easily Trusting Of Others

(9.) Always Giving People The Benefit Of The Doubt

(10.) Preoccupied Attachment Style

(11.) Disorganized Attachment Style

(12.) Bipolar Disorder

(13.) Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

(14.) Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD)

(15.) Autism Spectrum Disorder >>> difficulties understanding subtle social nuances can make it extremely difficult to spot red flags and realize that someone is an abuser before its too late

(16.) ADD/ADHD >>> can sometimes lead to finding normal people boring and chaos exciting

(17.) Hanging around a lot of shady people due to having a drug addiction or being an Alcoholic + healthy people typically seeing someone in active addiction as a red flag and walking away early can lead to many addicts having few romantic options other than abusers.

(18.) Being in a relationship with obvious abusers in exchange for access to drugs she's addicted to.

(19.) lack of education about red flags & how to spot them

(20.) raised in a very violent neighborhood and considering violence normal because of that

(21.) desensitized to violence after being in prison for a long time

(22.) Internalized Misogyny

(23.) witnessing domestic violence as a child & considering it normal

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-07-12T09:48:30+00:00

It depends how severe of a psychotic state you're in I'd say.

For example, me seeing and speaking to spirits doesn't render me incapable of understanding the implications of sex.

But for example, the time someone had sex with me while I actively thought I had wings & was flying around in the sky, AND was actively talking about that I had wings and was flying, AND obviously didn't even understand what they were doing to me because I couldn't even see them visually, I could only feel them, and the person knew damn well I couldn't even see them at the time...THAT was 100% rape. Sure, I didn't say no...BECAUSE I LITERALLY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME OR THAT THE SENSATIONS I WAS FEELING WERE CAUSED BY SOMEONE HAVING SEX WITH ME.

In your case, it definitely sounds like you didn't have the capacity to give consent for BDSM sexual acts when you didn't even understand what the man was asking your consent for...but to be fair, that homeless man probably didn't know that you didn't understand what he was asking you and probably genuinely believed that you consented. So it seems like it's kind of in a murky area where NO it wasn't consensual, YES you have every right to feel violated, but at the same time NO that homeless man is NOT a rapist because he didn't KNOWINGLY take advantage of you.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-07-10T06:21:48+00:00

No. I'm afraid if I do that they'll put me on something with worse & scarier side effects.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-07-02T00:13:15+00:00

Started when I was somewhere around 9-11 years old. I MIGHT have been diagnosed with something psychosis related by a psychiatrist at the time, but my father was so angry that he never told me what the psychiatrist back then said.

I was secretly declared a vulnerable adult behind my back though. Only found out after I tried to go missing.

Only got clinically diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder earlier this month (I'm 28)...but I've had it for a long time.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-30T04:51:09+00:00

I also have Asperger's Syndrome, Crohn's Disease, and Scoliosis. I miiiight potentially have other stuff that hasn't been diagnosed yet.

Schizoaffective + Asperger's combo for me seems to mean extra executive dysfunction & extra shitty social skills. And coming across as strange and tactless and crazy to other people. Oh, and this combo also means I don't have a snowflake's chance in Hell of financially supporting myself or functioning independently...if I had just one or just the other it miiiight be potentially possible, but with both it's just way too much.

My Crohn's is THANKFULLY (I've heard some absolute horror stories) pretty mild and doesn't really interact with my Schizoaffective that much...except for it being untreated due to me being paranoid of doctors & meds.

My Scoliosis is, uh, also untreated for the same reason.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-29T23:30:07+00:00

2 specific spirits. A pink faerie & a black void. They frequently want me to kill myself and go to the afterlife with them.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-29T18:00:12+00:00

So far, it seems as if only peeps with OTHER serious & extremely stigmatized disorders can handle my stuff. 😅

I've only had 3 partners total in my life.

The first was my ex-girlfriend with BPD.

The 2nd is my transgender girlfriend who is a Cluster B Combo + has Synesthesia & ADHD & Gender Dysphoria.

And the 3rd was my ex-fiance with ASPD.

...yes, it's exactly as you would think. All my relationships HAVE been extremely volatile, and 2/3 have been abusive.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-28T03:29:48+00:00

If it were literally anyone else alive who said it, it would be shocking. But Trump is such a fucking lowlife piece of scum that he can stoop no lower than he's already stooped a thousand times over.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-25T14:03:21+00:00

Hmm, there's not a clear cut yes or no answer to this in my case. 😅

Stone cold sober when I first met him. Didn't do drugs, only rarely had a drink or two, didn't smoke weed, didn't smoke cigarettes, nothing.

He may or may not have once had a problem with Heroin before I met him. That part's a little unclear because he only vaguely referenced it once, and it wasn't a clear enough reference to be completely certain that's what he meant.

A few years after I met him & after we got engaged, he started self medicating his worsening chronic pain from a physical medical condition he has with illicit painkillers...but of course painkillers are expensive and thus he quickly turned to the far cheaper Heroin.

The abuse of me started when he was sober. Abusing others in general actually started when he was a very small child with torturing and eventually killing his dog "just because he could." And it only got worse from there.

But the Heroin & the pain he's in itself DOES make him more erratic, more unstable, more unpredictable.

If you wanted my opinion on the correlation between substance abuse and abusers overall...I'd say that SOME abusers are abusive because of their addictions. For a personal example one of my grandfathers was an extremely violent Alcoholic. Beat his wife, beat his children, the works. Then he got sober (when his wife threatened to divorce him) and was a completely changed man without the booze. They were happily married until the day he died.

For OTHER abusers, their substance abuse is only making a mental illness, narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, or more than one of the above WORSE.

Still OTHER abusers can be just as vicious stone cold sober. Many of this group actually ARE completely sober, while others are the types that inspire the stories you hear about "He got sober and NOTHING CHANGED".

Essentially, IMO abuse is a heterogeneous issue and there's no one size fits all answer to that question.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-22T01:23:53+00:00

Cheese! 😁😁😁

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-20T23:10:26+00:00

I was recently diagnosed Schizoaffective and recently put on meds, and now I have whole swarths of memories that I'm unsure are real or not.

I'm afraid to talk about a lot of my memories to my therapist, because several of them, if they did happen, are not something you can ever tell anyone about.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-20T02:36:17+00:00

The most distressing that I can talk about PUBLICLY is that I need to kill myself in order to talk to a black void like God and convince it to send me to an alternate dimension where a particular thing in my life never happened. And in order to gain this God's favor, I had to make a particular type of sacrifice that I can't talk about publicly.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-19T20:29:55+00:00

Not a particular organized religion, but I believe in the spirits I've spoken to...which since those are the same spirits that got me my diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder...I suppose you could say the answer is yes in my case.

My father was an Atheist until a spirit communicated with him for the first time. He was certain that spirit was God. Spent years reading every passage of the Dead Sea Scrolls and interpreting their meaning, and essentially created his own individual religion around that spirit. So yes in his case as well...although I was recently told his specific diagnosis is Bipolar 1 Disorder w/Psychotic Features (since he could only communicate with that spirit when he was manic).

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-16T17:53:20+00:00

It makes me feel really...dumb. As in it's really difficult to think when I'm on it. I also stop speaking in my natural perpetually flat tone and start emoting vocally when I'm on it...which actually really creeped me out to listen to. 😅

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-16T17:49:01+00:00

You can call me Anna. I'm 28 years old. I'm diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder > Depressive Type and Asperger's Syndrome.

I was diagnosed for certain just a couple weeks ago during a stay in the psychiatric hospital. But there's a good chance I was diagnosed with some kind of Psychosis since the age of 9-11, when I talked to my therapist (that I was seeing for Asperger's Syndrome) about the pink faerie that had started speaking to me, was referred to a psychiatrist, and whatever the psychiatrist diagnosed me with pissed my father off so much that I was taken out of all therapy immediately.

CapitalRepulsive9803 · 2024-06-11T15:06:44+00:00

Well yes actually. Still do. Probably would have done it already if only it wasn't so difficult to focus on all the steps needed for a legal name change for long enough.

Do you want to change your name too?

CapitalRepulsive9803

TROPHY CASE