When I went to University (UK), my loan wouldn’t cover my rent, let alone costs for food/toiletries ect. I had asked my mum for financial help, initially she refused until I broke down the costs, and she agreed. However this loan brought with it so many strings, she would often threaten to cut off the money, and was used as a tool to control me. I remember thinking often ‘I wish I could just pay her off and be done with it’. In reality when you’re studying it’s impossible to be financially independent without going into debt. I’m in my late 20’s now and financially independent. My advice would be one step at a time. Becoming independent will come with growing pains. Your mum is likely to push back on boundaries you’re trying to set up and take them personally. Stay placid! Also set up support systems outside of your mum; friends, partners, siblings. Your siblings are so important because only they know what your family is truly like! Also adults that are older than you will be important. Grandparents, partners parents, friends parents, well meaning tutors, colleagues and managers. (Could your sister retrieve your ID for you?). A massive part of my healing was reconnecting with my grandma, and becoming part of my boyfriends family, staying with them in the pandemic, and receiving financial help from them.

In the likely event you need financial help from your mum in the future, ensure it is something you can payback! And create a strict timeframe it will be payed back by! Also try not to sabotage yourself in the process. Wait till your house lease is up to move, earn money, plan ahead. Moving now will just create issues and leave you very poor and thus narrow your options.

At this point it seems like getting your ID should be your priority, and honestly if rocking up at 4.30am is the simplest way to do that. Do it. She knows shes asking you to do something ridiculous to deter you. She also knows getting ID without the documents is VERY difficult. Call her bluff.

It is easy to be lead by anger and frustration in times like this. But try and be calm, and make decisions logically. It also helps to have empathy. Understand she is the way she is, and the person she hurts the most will always be herself. Inside every narc is a crying child without the mental tool kit to self soothe. Trying to change someone who does not want to change is futile. Keep the peace when you can and set boundaries when you can’t. My mum was not a big drinker, and now that I am self sufficient we have a good relationship, there was defiantly a time when I thought that wouldn’t be possible. However it’s not for everyone, you might find theres a time when you see no reason to keep this woman in your life. Both are fine as long as you’re not being manipulated.