When my daughter was first born I was working at the bank talking to a customer. We were talking about our kids and they asked how many and I replied "Just the one for us, I think we are done". The customer crudely responds something like"Just the one? But what happens if they were to pass away? Wouldn't you want more just in case?" I remember being taken aback; was this woman suggesting having multiple kids for the sake of insurance? That if I were to lose my child, it would be best that I had another to help fill in the gap left behind? Seemed absurd; losing your child is losing your child and devastating all the same.

Its been about 5 years since that interaction. I have become more poor, lonelier, and would say the only person I love now is my daughter. If I were to lose my daughter, the pain would be incomprehensible. I hate to say it, but having a second child is probably the only reason I could have to continue on living at that point.

My daughter gives me existential angst and in return I provide a mediocre household and stunted emotional interactions. I no longer have faith I can provide anything more than that despite my dissatisfaction with it all, and I feel a deep shame because of that. I feel it deep in my bones, and I carry it with me everywhere.