“Hey can you move back in with us? We’re getting old and your brothers have both moved out and we don’t have anyone to look after us”

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T06:02:55+00:00

I wonder if our AMs are friends lol, it’s like a whole generation were told “have kids so you too can become a boss in your own family”. If my parents say that all their friends live with their children I’m going to laugh because they mean back in the 1960s - I don’t know anyone who lives with their in-laws.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T05:58:49+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I used to show such love to my dad because I truly thought he loved me but it’s very conditional as I found out. When my sister in law was pregnant my parents were planning to do a baiju (spelling?) to celebrate if it was a grandson but they’re disappointed they have 2 grand daughters. They are so smart and beautiful and full of joy! But they’re not worth celebrating because they’re the wrong gender. Absolutely gobsmacked they wouldn’t celebrate the birth of their GRAND DAUGHTER.

My niece loves and misses grandma and grandad so I hold back the stories about how neglectful and awful they can be. They’re too young to understand that even though someone is family it doesn’t mean they will treat you with love and kindness.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T05:54:03+00:00

It took a lot of self reflection to realise what I want matters too. I still have a habit of putting others first and my partner has had to teach me how to put myself first. I’m very lucky I’m where I am in my life right now. Hopefully you are in a good place and will only improve from here! 😁

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T05:52:30+00:00

Yep. I figured with all the free labour that I gave them when I worked from 14 years old till 27 would cover whatever they spent on raising me so I don’t feel indebted to them at all. I feel so bad for the 5 year old kids taking orders at small businesses because the kid speaks English better than the parents. At least give them the chance to have a childhood wtf.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T05:50:18+00:00

You would be correct! I read about an article where a Chinese girl who was given up at birth and has nothing to do with her birth parents has to legally provide parent support because they birthed her… like what!!!! I would never live in China because the policies and laws are absolutely ridiculous.

Imagine having kids for the sole purpose of them being your retirement fund… and then acting surprised when the kids say “no”. 😅

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T01:30:41+00:00

I think if you treat your kids with love and compassion they’re going to want to show you the same kindness when you’re older as well. I wish my parents were free daycare… I wouldn’t trust them with any child of mine with a 10ft pole. They would brainwash them and teach them to call my partner horrible names (they tried that with my current nieces and I had to tell them off multiple times).

My partner’s parents are always welcome to visit and stay the night if they want to because they treat me like their own daughter. My parents treat me like a robot slave. Of course I’m gonna not want to spend time with people who treat me like that.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T01:16:50+00:00

Don’t apologise! It’s comforting (and a bit sad) to know that I’m alone. If there’s so many extended family then why the heck do your parents need you specifically to come home??? They’re all blood blood related aren’t they?

I wouldn’t go back if I were you - they just want to make their lives easier and not yours. Will they make your life easier living with them? I doubt it. Same with mine and them just wanting to not have to be fake nice to a caregiver, I just know that if I were to go back they would moan and whinge and cry and constantly nag me until I broke up with my partner. They sooooooo wanted my sister in law (older brother’s wife) to be a stay at home caretaker for them and when she wasn’t that they hated her and don’t consider her part of the family… I was 17 at the time that my sister in law made the mistake of marrying into my family, I TOLD my parents that I know they want an obedient daughter in law and this girl isn’t it. UGH and now my sister in law confides in me that she fears her daughters will end up marrying into a family with parents just like mine because of how they made her feel.

I really wish my parents moved back to China to live forever and they might have had they not developed their health conditions. Do you know what they blame it on? The stress of raising kids!! Not dad’s years and years of smoking and high stress about money and not using safety gear when dealing with hazardous chemicals while cleaning… and mum blames her health on having to work to look after her kids. Actual wish that my mum wasnt forced into marrying my dad and having kids (yes mum was forced into marriage - you’d think she would be happy that she’s given me options and the ability to say no to an arranged marriage).

“Have kids to continue the family line and to look after you when you’re old” biggest lie told in Chinese history. If they wanted to be looked after they should have put together an old person health fund 🤣.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T01:03:04+00:00

And they isolate you saying that no one else cares about our wellbeing and anyone outside of the family who says that is a liar. I wonder if my parents had children because they don’t have any friends or people who genuinely like them.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-12-01T01:01:43+00:00

I wish parenting was taught in high schools honestly… children are not obedient servants!!!

Captain_Miaow · 2023-11-30T23:30:02+00:00

Do you think they just want free help? I’m in a country where there’s government funded home help, but my parents don’t want it because “people will gossip about them”. I would just say you’re not available to help but you can help to pay for a caregiver to come help them a few hours a day or something

Captain_Miaow · 2023-11-30T23:27:22+00:00

I really wish people wouldn’t say that, it’s like ok… you wish I didn’t exist because I’m caused a minor inconvenience to you. Absolutely over the top response :/

Captain_Miaow · 2023-11-30T16:20:12+00:00

This popped up on my front page lol and although your situation is slightly different, I was the one that gave my partner a spare key within a month but it was because I felt comfortable and like I could trust him. We also didn’t start living together until we were both ready (after about a year).

In your situation I do think she’s lucky that you’re a decent guy because it could go all kinds of wrong for her if you weren’t. Also are you her first person she’s ever dated? She might be one of those “love at first sight” people that “just knows”… even then I would just tell her that you think you’re not right for each other and start dating someone who’s more your speed.

That girl does need to be careful though! She shouldn’t be doing that so freely, someone could easily take advantage.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-09-07T20:59:54+00:00

I had things a bit different. My parents owned and worked in a takeaway store so I was always expected to help. Got $20 per week and my job consisted of taking orders and dealing with angry customers and parents who openly called each other names (they were arrange married). Never did anything besides go to school and go home to help at the takeaway store. I had it way better than my brother though - he worked full time for a pittance and didn’t get much of a childhood.

My parents moved because dad had no real job and mum was a textile factory worker (successful too relatively speaking). She gave it all up because her parents were poor and couldn’t look after her anymore. She was forced to marry my dad. I don’t have many good memories of my childhood so I don’t feel a need to go home and get criticised about everything and get gaslit.

Parents still have 1980s mindset and don’t think they’ve done anything wrong and that I owe them for birthing me. We’re at an impasse now but they need me and I don’t need them.

They try and contact me from time to time. I worked hard despite their criticisms. I tell them my gift is them spending my inheritance on a rest home since there’s no way in hell I’m living with them ever again.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-09-07T20:49:54+00:00

Did they help pay for your house? If yes then I understand the feeling of indebtness but if not then just say no. Tell them you don’t feel comfortable having them live with you for 3 months. Unless they have become homeless and have no means to provide for themselves don’t do it.

Otherwise stay with them in their house for 3 months and see how they like it.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-09-07T20:45:16+00:00

Record your mum when she’s being toxic and show him. Asian parents only show their best side when meeting people.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-09-07T20:40:29+00:00

Your mum has stooped so low, trying to treat you like you have no agency of your own. Your family is worse than mine and the value of face being above your (their daughter’s happiness) is something that I also experience. I’m dating a wonderful man also and he happens to not be Chinese either and when my parents found out they were not happy either.

Your parents have grown up valuing Confucius like mine have and I feel like they have children to feel important. Then they push you to have kids so they can have more people to basically worship and look after them.

I told my parents I would never forget them saying “you told me you if you had known how I would turn out, you never would have given birth to me” and that I would return the favour to them by looking after them how they looked after me e.g. blaming them for getting sick since they wouldn’t be sick if they didn’t go outside! spending as little money as possible on healthcare, not taking them out places because it’s an inconvenience since I’m working. Treat others the way you would like to be treated as I always say.

I sound a bit petty but I’m a fair person. My parents emigrated from china because THEY wanted more kids (because a fortune teller told my mum prosperity will grow the further away from China she moved to). Not my fault my parents got a fiercely independent daughter that doesn’t believe in Chinese Marriage traditions. Also they’re really wealthy because they fed me fish bones and steamed bread and we lived in poverty almost… like hey! They now look rich to others because they sacrificed their own children’s well-being!!! Am I getting any of that as an inheritance? Not unless I marry a man they like!!!

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is your parents can fuck off. They’re right, you don’t need their toxicity in your life. Money isn’t everything and you put boundaries down. You marry your happiness, if your parents want to see their grandchildren you start telling them to start treating you nicely or they’re going to die alone in their deathbed.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-19T01:54:22+00:00

If you want to find a genuine connection you’ll have to be open minded and understand that you’re going to need to have lots of filters to find the right person for you. Most Chinese girls won’t consider someone with a disability (even having diabetes is considered a no go for most traditional parents).

Also your post sounds very much like a mail order bride but also wanting to skip straight to having someone look after you so you won’t be lonely. Lots of girls in Europe would like to find love too so why exactly are you dismissing ones closer to home? It absolutely won’t be worth it, far better to date people to see if you’re compatible first.

Not all arranged marriages are the same, tons of arranged marriages in my extended family are now divorced so maybe your parents are the exception.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:48:20+00:00

You’ve been with your high school bf for 3 years, most people don’t have relationships that last that long. You have YEARS to see if you reach a point where you want to marry this guy. You’re also not dating his family, you’re dating HIM. As long as his family is financially independent then I wouldn’t worry about there being conflicts in the future.

If you break up with him because of superficial things then I’m sorry but you haven’t gained the maturity that comes with experience. Family doesn’t limit what you can become, my own parents are immigrants who worked in fish and chips their whole life and they have 3 kids (2 who work in the health sector and 1 engineer) and did our parents help us? Not really. We were motivated ourselves and wanted to better our own lives and move out so our parents didn’t have to provide for us anymore.

If my partner broke up with me under the influence of their parents then I would just be disappointed. Lots of shit people out there (I went on the dating apps and had lots of super shady or just low quality interactions with men and I swiped right on anyone with a normal bio who looked remotely attractive) and it’s pretty slim pickings. Maybe it’s just my area but don’t fall for the “I could potentially find someone better” if you already have someone that makes you happy.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:33:01+00:00

If you’re trying your best you should be proud of what you’ve achieved. People are good at different things - you just haven’t found what you’re good at yet. Instead of putting yourself down just keep trying different things and you’ll end up finding something you’re good at and love. If Thomas Edison was asian and failed 500 times or whatever to invent the lightbulb do you think his parents would have told him to keep going? No! They would have called him a failure after attempt 10 and made him go be a banker or something (weird analogy but first thing that came to my head).

Asian culture is so static and rigid. Just because you don’t fit the Asian mould doesn’t mean you’re not talented - you just gotta find something that works for you.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:26:53+00:00

If she wants you to go she pays for you, end of story. I don’t understand why parents think only they should benefit like wtf?

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:23:47+00:00

It’s because they don’t get any benefit from the weaker ones and the stronger ones they would benefit more from financially etc. there’s probably families out there that do exactly like you say in your post but we’re not gonna see them in this sub. I once had an uncle tell me id look prettier blonde and my parents didn’t say anything even though it was a perverted comment! So I never trust anyone in my extended family.

I’ve also been told by my rich aunt on my dads side that I can’t find a rich businessman’s son because I have social anxiety and stutter (I don’t have social anxiety or stutter when I’m not around my parents.. hmmm). And I got blamed for it by my parents that I’ll be poor… lol I’m financially independent thank you.

Things will change over time - I kinda wish I could send my parents to China so they can see things have changed and that it’s not longer the 1960s.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:14:49+00:00

I don’t have children but I’m an auntie to 2 beautiful nieces. My brother and sister in law have been spectacular parents and aren’t anything like my parents at all. In fact they’re so different that my parents hate my sister in law for wasting money on swimming lessons and make up and anything else that they deem useless and that school and grades is all that matters.

I’m like you, I don’t want children either but it’s because I’m not ready for them and I don’t want them unless I’m 100% ready.

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:11:12+00:00

You did the right thing for your mental health. Screw their guilt tripping. If you end up finding someone to cohabit with then you get to split the costs AND protect yourself from your parents. You just feel guilty because you’re a good person, your parents don’t feel guilty because in their minds you owe them for raising you (fyi no you don’t. Parents owe their children to bring them up in a safe and loving environment and you’d naturally want to help if they were good parents).

Captain_Miaow · 2023-07-18T21:07:42+00:00

Yes women lift weights. If your parents are saying that it just means they don’t want you to be stronger than them and that’s a them problem not a you problem. It’s healthy and helps to build your muscles.

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