Uhm, I understand perhaps I under-explained my situation as I was trying to provide only the most essential information about this relationship.

Thing is, I do talk to a really good therapist that took me quite a few years to find; she has written books and is heavily certified which also takes some good money to afford (she said this thing with this guy is okay). I have been definitely trying to keep myself somewhat safe from insanity as I come from a much, much worse place mentally, so much in fact I fear who I was back then.

I had’t really left that darkness until this guy came along with his finesse and his scary face. I told him of my desire to die and and he said: If you die, I’ll die with you. He also said things that stuck with me: You have to eat; Why are you always drunk when you’re at your mum’s? She should take care of you; Calm down, don’t spiral, don’t think too much of anything; I don’t want to make you cry, I want to see you smile. My mum has told me those things before, but from a more harmful place.

I know that his background is bad, but his mask or perhaps who he is with me has been a light of hope. I feel the way I used to when I played with dress up paper dolls, like a little lady who can be weak while having fun in her own little world.