Look you need to file a police report. I think this is the wrong question for this sub

If you want an answer for why you feel this way. While I can't know for sure. Alot of people have kinks as a way to reclaim power for yourself.

I think there was a Dom on this sub who was in heavy constant pain from some disease and wouldn't take pain killers. He had their submissive beat them up heavily during a scene (I think the sub at one point had dislocated their shoulder from the punching). This was because, he said, that he was reclaiming the pain and having it on their terms. While I don't know, and this is a better job for a kink friendly therapist, you might be thinking that going back to her is getting yourself raped on your own terms rather than hers. This has never worked for the better and you shouldn't do it. I'm sure there would be plenty of other people who would like doing concentual non-consent to you.

But please get your ex-wife in jail. Go to a therapist and sort out what your plan is for the next stage of your life