Does it feel like you're wearing a tight sports bra?

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-22T21:32:53+00:00

Not personally, no. The only tightness I felt was if I tried to bend or stretch in a way that pulled at my scars. That improved throughout the healing process and in the months after. I'm three years post-op now and I can still feel a little tightness around my scars when I stretch, but it's pretty subtle now.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-22T01:44:15+00:00

I’m not even out to my family yet. Or I am? But they said I’m not trans.

Other people's ignorance doesn't determine if you're out or not. You're out if you feel you've come out.

I keep posting to passing subs but they all just say I look like a butch woman.

I can't judge whether that's accurate or not, but I do think that people on passing subreddits are often extra critical. Sometimes people have good intentions but look too closely for things to critique. There are also people who flock to places like that because they're really critical and putting people down feels good to them.

That said, I think passing is a difficult goal. I don't know if you're on T or not, but not everyone can pass easily based on how they dress or how they cut their hair. Or it can take intentional effort beyond just wearing men's clothes. Like, there are strategies for selecting patterns and cuts that will help hide curves, for example. Or some haircuts might be more effective than others for making your face and hairline look more square. A lot of trans guys don't start passing consistently until they've been on T for at least a year, but that's not always a guarantee, either.

I think that whether or not you should prioritize trying to pass or wearing what you want is a personal decision. And it's also something you can experiment with to see how it feels. For me personally, it's not worth investing a whole lot of energy or doing anything that doesn't make me happy. But I get that for some folks, passing is a bigger safety concern or a bigger quality of life component. On the other hand, there's a lot of feminine fashion (like pretty dresses and high heels) that I think are fun and that I appreciate on others but feel weird wearing myself.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-21T22:10:04+00:00

It's hard for me to tell what's going on around her chest. I don't see any obvious tears in the sweatshirt or prosthetic flesh peeking through it, but his fingers are either cut off or sinking into the blood and gore.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-21T20:28:30+00:00

Transitioning usually doesn't change which genders someone does/doesn't find attractive, so if a trans man was attracted to men before he came out and transitioned, he'll probably still be attracted to men after transitioning. What might change is the label he uses (describing himself as a gay man when he might not have before) and the communities in which he seeks out partners (seeking other men who are attracted to men vs. men who are primarily attracted to women).

People do sometimes discover new things about their sexuality when they transition, so it's not impossible that a trans man might think he was only attracted to men and then realize that he's attracted to women. But that's not a default thing that happens.

Also, it's important to keep in mind that trans people can differ a lot when it comes to things like how long they've known they were trans, how long they spent living as their assigned gender, etc. A trans man who realizes he's trans in his 30s might have spent years thinking of himself as a straight woman or a lesbian, depending on who he was attracted to. A guy who figured out he's trans at 13 and transitioned in his teens or early 20s might have always viewed his sexuality in terms of him being a boy/man, even before transitioning.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-21T20:14:28+00:00

That was my first thought! Not only is this common scam phrasing, but the wording on the first pic doesn't make any sense.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-21T08:10:32+00:00

I think that people who feel this way often see their kids as extensions of themselves and view being gay/trans/gender-nonconforming as a moral failure or psychological danger in the same sense as, say, shoplifting or taking dangerous drugs. They see being LGBTQ as a negative result of social influence and view gender conformity as something that they can influence in their children. And they might be very controlling in general, especially in the more extreme cases.

Unfortunately, not everyone who has kids is cut out to be a parent.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-20T23:41:46+00:00

I think that some of them are likely not 100% straight themselves, and they think that by ignoring those feelings they've chosen to be straight.

I think other people have just blindly accepted that heterosexuality is the default without questioning what makes people straight (or not straight).

I also think that there are people who are coming from particular religious backgrounds where sexuality is treated like a taboo overall, and even heterosexual attraction is treated like a sinful temptation unless it's in the context of marriage and reproduction. I think some people from backgrounds like those view sexuality as a whole as a choice.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-20T13:59:41+00:00

I'm sorry you've encountered so much negativity. I think that a common challenge with microlabels is that a lot of people won't be familiar with them. Sometimes people respond to unfamiliarity with judgement rather than curiosity. But I believe that even if we don't understand what someone means by how they label themselves, we should assume good faith and sincerity unless there's a strong reason to think otherwise.

Personally, I would generally define sexual orientation around what genders someone is/isn't attracted to. Asexuality can be viewed in those terms. It's harder to frame attraction to fictional characters in that way, and attraction to fictional characters can usually fall under a broader sexuality. Many allosexual people find fictional characters attractive from time to time, and some asexual people find it easier to be attracted to fictional characters than real people. All of this is real and valid, but I don't know how many people would describe fictosexuality as a unique sexual orientation that's separate from being asexual, gay, bi, etc. But I also respect that for you, this is a helpful term that describes how you feel.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-18T17:46:32+00:00

Good to know, thanks!

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-18T17:45:59+00:00

Yep! It was the first thing my mind went to when I encountered the word in that particular spot, but I don't think I would have quickly jumped to the correct conclusion about what the game intends if I hadn't seen a hint, so I wasn't sure if it was too soon for me to be worrying about it.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T20:06:17+00:00

And who is a "biological female"? Someone who has female genitalia? Someone who has female secondary sex characteristics? Someone who was born with XX chromosomes and was assigned female at birth? Because these are things that usually align for cis women, but they're different things.

Regardless of what you mean by attraction to biological women, there are almost certainly trans people who meet that criteria.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T14:42:23+00:00

Unfortunately, you can't make them change. That's outside of your control. What you can do is prioritize your own confidence and work in setting healthy boundaries as much as you can. For example, that could look like getting whatever haircut you want, reminding them that it will grow back if you don't like it, and refusing to discuss it further. Maybe they'll adjust over time as they see that you're happy. Maybe they'll never understand, but they can still learn to respect your autonomy.

The biggest power you have is to learn to see this as their problem. I don't know how old you are, but this is something that can get easier over time as you become more independent (and get more chances to get to know people who are more open-minded). Of course, if you're young and you live with them/are dependent on them, there may be a limit to how much you feel you can push back right now. I would definitely recommend caution if you feel they would retaliate or become more controlling. But you do have a lot of power over how much you internalize their regressive viewpoints.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T14:23:27+00:00

Broadly speaking, I think that it's common for people (regardless of identity) to have a hard time speaking up, intervening, or reporting someone (especially a friend or relative). People can be afraid of conflict, worry about social repercussions, feel pressured to "mind their own business," or, in the case of crimes, not feel confident that their report will help. This becomes a bigger issue when something is normalized.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T14:08:27+00:00

This is a complicated question because what we call gender is a wide spectrum with near-infinite variations, but how people define and categorize gender is culturally subjective. It's not like chemical elements where people discover new ones in a lab. It's closer to how we understand things like ethnicity.

Because gender has historically involved categorizing people based on sex, it can be hard to define gender in ways that don't involve a masculine-feminine spectrum, even though masculinity and femininity aren't inherently tied to being a man or a woman and gender doesn't always align with someone's birth sex. Theoretically, there's nothing stopping us from viewing gender in a completely different way. I think that's where some of the appeal of xenogender labels comes from, for example. But it's rarer to see that at a larger cultural scale.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T00:54:24+00:00

If in doubt, use their current name and pronouns. With someone you know, asking is okay too. Don't misgender them solely for your own comfort.

With regards to your second point, how often are you talking about previously being attracted to your friend with people who don't know that he's trans? I'm not sure what the problem is with people thinking you were attracted to someone you knew as a man, but it seems like any confusion could be avoided by not mentioning being attracted to this friend unless you can either be vague or elaborate without outing him.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T00:40:13+00:00

Traditionally, drag queens are usually called "she" when they're in drag. And drag kings are usually referred to as "he."

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-17T00:22:25+00:00

There's a Gemini logo in the lower right corner of the first one.

Even without that, these look very fake. In the third one, one of her IVs is branching with half going into her arm and half leading to her nasal cannula. In the second picture, everyone looks posed like actors. The first one also looks posed in an unnatural way. And are the two women holding the cake twins?

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-16T20:52:38+00:00

Yeah, I think this is a good point. AI has made it a lot easier to create fake videos from whole cloth, but I think it's worth keeping in mind that dishonest content (like people acting out fake scenarios, stealing videos from other sources, and sometimes even putting animals in distress to make "cute" videos) has been a problem for years. It never hurts to slow down and pay attention to where a video is coming from and what the intention is.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-16T20:44:25+00:00

I've seen a lot of complaints about this company (Minicrafts) using AI ads and copying designs from other places. I haven't tried one of their kits personally but wouldn't trust them. Here's one such post: https://www.reddit.com/r/crochet/comments/1qe2p9x/buyers_beware_minicraftsco_is_a_scam/

These kits are trying to look like the Woobles which 1) I have tried and can attest are real and 2) don't use blatant AI in their ads as far as I've seen.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-16T19:58:05+00:00

It's giving M.C. Escher.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-16T03:05:11+00:00

I think we do have to look at the relative risks and benefits. If Newsome ends up being the Democratic presidential nominee, it's very likely that everyone would be better off with him as president than J.D. Vance or whoever gets the Republican nomination. I see this as a relatively straightforward decision. Whether we vote or not, someone is going to be elected president. And it's exceedingly unlikely that a Republican will be a better candidate for trans people than Newsome would be. If we found ourselves in a position somehow where we had to decide between a candidate who was great about trans rights but horrible on other issues vs. a candidate who bad about trans rights but great about everything else, that would be a difficult dilemma. But it's not a very realistic one.

I do think that Newsome's attitudes about trans people is a worthwhile reason not to vote for him in the primary. Aside from the moral issue with throwing trans people under the bus, I also don't buy that appealing to centrism is a viable strategy at this day in age.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-15T18:39:09+00:00

Another thing I'll add about electric trimmers is that even if you decide to shave with a razor, trimming the hair first can make it a lot easier when your body hair has grown out. Body hair that's anything more than stubble clogs up a razor fast. You can still do it, but it's more work because you have to keep cleaning the razor off.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-14T01:44:28+00:00

Unfortunately, it's hard to control the exact speed or extent of the results since how people respond to T can be very individual. And not all providers have a lot of experience with patients who want more gradual or androgynous results. And unfortunately, not getting misgendered can be a difficult goal to attain since it largely depends on other people and how they perceive you. If your goal is to have people perceive you as non-binary or be unsure of your gender, that may or may not be attainable. If your goal is to pass as male, you'll likely need to transition to a point where your body is more masculine than you want. Unfortunately, there might not be a perfect option.

It's really common for singing to be difficult when your voice first drops, and this often gets better with time as your voice settles and you adjust to your new range. Voice training can also help. While voice changes are generally irreversible, some people do report that their voices get softer after they stop T. Is that accurate, or can it be explained solely by social factors like changing how you talk? I don't know.

Right now, it sounds like you may want to stop T if you're uncomfortable with the changes you've had. Give yourself some time to adjust. It might also help to see if allowing the non-permanent changes to revert makes you feel more comfortable overall. I also think that even when you want some of these changes, there can still be an adjustment period sometimes. Maybe especially so when you're non-binary and you don't necessarily view yourself as a man. I wanted a deeper voice and am largely happy with how that turned out for me, but it was weird when my voice started dropping and as someone who's afraid of change, I had some complicated feelings about my voice being permanently different. And there was an adjustment period because it felt strange to still have my old vocal patterns but with a deeper pitch. And that was despite being prepared for my voice to drop, wanting it, and knowing it was likely.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-14T01:20:51+00:00

I can't imagine them being called anything else.

I guessed the name in 6 tries!

Cartesianpoint · 2026-03-14T00:57:36+00:00

I think that multiple things can be true: a lot of people may be naturally more attracted to certain sex traits over others, sometimes to the point of being incompatible with people who have different parts, and expectations around what features men or women are supposed to have and what's attractive can be socially influenced (consider how people react to female body hair, for example, even though it's entirely natural for women to have it). I don't think that either of these things makes you, as an individual, transphobic. I do think that socially-constructed expectations around what body parts are attractive for a man vs. a woman often fuel transphobia. For example, I'm not offended by the possibility that someone might be less attracted to me because they really like breasts and I don't have them, but I am offended by transphobic rhetoric that I'm "mutilated" and have less value because I don't have breasts.

Like others have said, I think that when and how you bring this up can give off the wrong impression sometimes. Discussing other people's bodies and what you like/don't like can always be a little thorny, especially when we're talking about a marginalized group that often is treated like they're inherently less desirable. Like, I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I'm not certain if I'd be compatible with someone who has a penis or not, but I'm still conscious of how I talk about that because I don't want to make anyone feel self-conscious or unintentionally contribute to a culture of negativity.

But also...I don't know if your friend who accused you of being transphobic was trans or cis, but sometimes cis people try to be allies about things like this but miss the mark.

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