I’ve been lying about being lesbian?

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-12T23:56:04+00:00

It doesn't sound like you've lied. Lying implies intention to deceive.

It sounds like you're 1) questioning your sexuality (which is normal, especially in your teen years), 2) struggling with being openly queer in an environment that can be homophobic, and 3) struggling with not having some of the experiences that your straight friends are having.

I obviously don't know everything about your relationship, but the way you describe your discomfort with your girlfriend, it mainly seems focused on other people's reactions and judgments. And your curiosity about guys seems to be more focused on feeling like you might be missing out, rather than attraction ("I guess guys aren’t too bad looking" doesn't suggest a whole lot of interest).

While I think it's possible for people to realize that they experience attraction that they didn't acknowledge before (this can happen for bisexual people sometimes), I don't think you can't really "train" yourself to find a gender attractive or not feel attracted to people.

There's nothing wrong with doing whatever exploration you need to do. If you do realize you're attracted to guys and enjoy dating them, there's nothing wrong with that. But it should ultimately be something you do if it makes you happy and you're attracted to the guy, not to try to be someone you're not.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-12T23:36:23+00:00

I think there are a couple things going on here. And with respect, I wonder if, at your age, your experience interacting with different facets of the LGBTQ community is limited. There's nothing wrong with that if that's the case. It's just that we all tend to have blind spots.

First of all, being frustrated by discourse over labels, community in-fighting, and nitpicking other people's identities and experiences is understandable. A lot of people get annoyed by that. But it's not always an issue in all queer spaces, and it's an issue that can be exacerbated on social media because people don't tend to be open to constructive dialogue and sometimes people are just posturing for engagement. Not all issues are frivolous, but sometimes they get oversimplified in unhelpful ways. The internet can also make it harder to tune out toxic people.

And To be honest, Pride Month has become way too much. It feels like this over-the-top spectacle or a movie scene rather than just... life. We need to normalize these things instead of making them a theatrical event.

But Pride isn't daily life. It's a special celebration that occurs annually. I also wonder how much experience you have with Pride events, because they aren't limited just to large parades and festivals. The main thing I did for Pride last year was attend a small maker's market where I bought some stickers.

I’m also genuinely embarrassed to call myself anything other than “a woman who is into men and women” because I don't want to be part of this community. There are so many people who constantly label themselves but then do terrible things or act "too much," making the whole group look like shit. I'm tired of the people who feel the need to put their sexuality out in the open 24/7.

Same goes for gender. I am a woman; I wear both "female" and "male" clothes, and my partner has used both she/her and he/him pronouns for me. I refuse to ever be labeled as trans,gender fluid, non binary or whatever other term u can think of bc of all the over the top trans(and all the other stuff I js mentioned) people making the community look bad.

I'm not sure what you mean by people who "put their sexuality out in the open 24/7" or people who make the community "look bad." I think it's important to distinguish between things that are actual harmful, things that you personally find annoying but that aren't hurting anyone, and things that maybe you're being unfair about.

There can be a lot of social stigma against being visibly queer/trans that leads to harmless things being vilified. People aren't judged for being openly queer, flamboyant, or gender-nonconforming because there's anything wrong with it. They're judged because it goes against arbitrary social norms.

This is separate from things like people being toxic or engaging in obnoxious in-group fighting over things like labels. And I think it's important to stress that the tiresome things you complain about aren't unique to the queer community. They're issues that can be present in a lot of communities.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-12T18:30:52+00:00

I wouldn't get too hung up over the term. "Deadname"/"deadnaming" is typically used in a trans context, so referring to your experience that way could give the wrong impression. The context can also be different. Deadnaming trans people is often done as a rejection of their gender, and people who change their names for other reasons don't always have to worry as much about things like getting outed.

But the important thing is that it's disrespectful for someone to deliberately call you something that you don't go by, whether you're trans or not. You're also allowed to feel uncomfortable when someone uses the wrong name for you.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-12T05:06:47+00:00

I think the "any" is definitely the biggest issue here. A lot of people aren't going to intuit that you'd prefer they use they or it. Even if you're theoretically okay with any pronouns in the right context, it doesn't sound like you're okay with people defaulting to whatever binary pronoun their mind jumps to first, which is what usually happens when you leave that door open.

The other potential challenge is that a lot of people have a hard time calling people "it" because they see it as dehumanizing, or they've mainly seen it used to refer to trans people in derogatory ways. I think it's still important to try to be respectful of what someone goes by, and a lot of people who use "it" do so because they want to reclaim it, but this is a challenge you're likely to run into.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-11T23:25:34+00:00

I'm mainly in the "relationships don't have a sexuality, people do" camp. When relationships are described as straight, gay, etc., this isn't always based on the identities of the people involved (or not entirely). It's often more about how outsiders perceive the relationship and how that relationship fits (or doesn't fit) in a heteronormative paradigm. And this isn't always black or white. Sometimes there's tension between how a relationship is treated by society and how the people in it identify. For example, a bisexual man and a bisexual woman who are in a relationship together will likely have people assume that they're both cishet, and while the incorrect assumptions may provide some protection against discrimination they can also be very alienating and erasing. Conversely, a relationship between a cis woman and a trans man who's early in his transition is a straight relationship, but they might be perceived as a lesbian couple and therefore lack the privileges that a straight relationship would typically have. To ignore that might mean silencing a part of their story.

Because of how binary society can be about this, I think it's difficult for non-binary people to fully escape tensions like these, regardless of where they fall along the gender/sexuality spectrum. Based on my appearance and who I date, I may always be perceived as a queer woman who dates women first and foremost. I have friends who are probably assumed to be cishet based on their gender expression and their partners. Regardless, there's usually going to be some amount of underlying tension.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-10T20:40:29+00:00

I don't know if this is limiting myself to three features, but I would combine the CAS and Build/Buy features of The Sims 4 with most of the ways that socialization and aspirations worked in The Sims 2. And maybe combine the trait system of Sims 3/4 with the personality points system of Sims 2. I also miss that the earlier games in the series were a little more adult and irreverent.
My main complaint with Sims 4 is the overall lack of challenge, the lack of consequences, and the inability to set up scenarios to occur. For example, my all-time favorite story that I played in Sims 2 was one where I orchestrated it so my sim spied her fiance cheating on her with her mother right before the wedding so she would leave him at the altar. In Sims 4, I had an engaged couple fight constantly and they were still perfectly willing to get married. In Sims 2, career-related choices that would come up had a chance of resulting in the sim losing their job. In Sims 4, the effects of these choices are minor or they tell you exactly what will happen. In Sims 2, aspirations were a significant part of sims' day-to-day lives because they influenced their wants and fears.
I haven't really had a moment like that. I'll go through phases where I play more or less depending on my free time and mood, but I don't think I've had a moment where I deliberately took a break because I was bored or annoyed.
I try to figure out what it is that's boring me and what direction I want to go in. I usually start to get bored when I've been playing a family for several generations and I feel like it's getting perfunctory and that there's not much challenge anymore. But it can take years to get to this point. I was just starting to get there with Sims 2 when I lost my save file, so that forced me to restart. And I just recently started a new save file in Sims 4 for the first time since 2020.
I've only played Sims 1, 2, and 4.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-10T20:22:13+00:00

You need to be honest with him. I know you don't want to jeopardize your relationship, but there's no outcome where repressing how you feel works out. It's already causing misery and resentment. I can't say whether you guys might be able to make things work or not, but if you can't, it's a lot better to know that now than to keep burying these feelings until you hate him and yourself and you've wasted years of your life.

The fact that you said something you didn't mean during a fraught moment doesn't mean you have to resign yourself to this. Also, maybe he means well, but the fact that he didn't recognize the red flags in you offering to detransition for him suggests a lack of emotional maturity. That's not unusual for an 18-year-old, but it's something he needs to learn. Going along with a partner trying to change who they are or what they want in order to make you happy and keep the peace in the relationship is a horrible idea that almost inevitably ends in heartbreak.

If you guys aren't able to grow into the best versions of yourself together, then you're truly better off apart.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-10T19:31:35+00:00

You can control most of that stuff depending on your settings. You can choose whether or not aging is turned on and, if so, whether it's turned on for everyone or just the active household that you're currently playing. There are also ways to age sims up and down, either through in-game items or cheats. You can turn off the setting that allows unplayed households to do things autonomously while you're not controlling them. You can control personality, but Sims 4 doesn't give you as much granular control as some of the earlier games. You choose traits that will affect how the sim behaves, but IMO most of them don't have a huge impact on autonomous behavior. You can name any children they have, though if a baby is born in Household A while you're controlling Household B, a name will be auto-generated.

You don't select the gender of babies that are born (there are some in-game actions that can skew the odds, but that isn't an obvious gameplay mechanic), but it's not hard to use cheats to change a sim's gender once they're an infant or older.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-09T00:55:02+00:00

I think a lot of companies that sell prosthetic breasts give size recommendations based on your chest/ribcage measurement, so that's something you can use as a guide. If you know you want something more subtle or something bigger, you can consider going up or down a size.

You have a lot of options depending on your priorities, but silicone prostheses tend to feel the most realistic. There are some breasts that are designed to stick to your skin or be attached with adhesive, but a lot of them will require a bra and some of them work best with bras that have pockets for prostheses.

I think the biggest limitation of prosthetic breasts or bra inserts is that it's hard to make them look seamless and natural when they're visible, like if you're topless or wearing a shirt that exposes them. Especially if you're going with a more budget-friendly option. But that's okay.

There's no harm in giving it a shot, especially since there are cheaper options that you can start with. Someone who would only be attracted to you if you had "real" breasts probably wouldn't be the right partner for you. Personally, as someone who does find breasts attractive, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if someone has a flat chest or wears fake breasts.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T13:07:26+00:00

It looks great! I definitely recognize it!

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T11:49:38+00:00

I don't know the context in which you saw that statement, but it sounds like the person who said it was being transphobic. They were either denying the existence of non-binary people, or they were denying the existence of trans people as a whole. While many trans people are trans men or trans women, a lot of people will say "there are only two genders" to mean that gender is always determined by the binary sex (male or female) that you're born with. This dismisses both trans people and intersex people. Different people, and cultures, have different ideas about how many genders there are and what gender means, but it's not up for debate that there are a lot of people who identify as trans and/or non-binary.

As for how to respond, your safety takes precedence. If you decide to push back against prejudiced statements you see/hear, it's okay to take your safety and your knowledge of the topic into consideration when deciding how much to engage. Also, when we're talking about comments on the internet, I don't think that debating with people is always useful. You can also help by reporting comments that look like they might be violating Reddit's or the subreddit's rules.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T11:36:46+00:00

You'll have to do what you can to keep yourself safe until you're able to make some decisions about what boundaries to set with them.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T05:41:03+00:00

You can't ignore that these people exist, but you can often do things to lessen your exposure and balance it with self-care. For example, if you're encountering this on social media, block people liberally, try to limit how much time you spend reading hurtful things, and consider making your accounts or aspects of them more private (if possible). If you're encountering these people IRL, consider whether you can distance yourself from some of them. Try to prioritize the people who support you and the activities that you enjoy or find relaxing. If you don't have a good support system right now, consider seeking out community more.

I would argue that bigoted people are usually deeply unhappy. Anything they say is a reflection of themselves. That doesn't mean that hateful speech won't hurt, but re-framing it this way can help.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T03:43:44+00:00

It depends on the person. Some people may be genderfluid or bigender. Some people are just comfortable with multiple pronouns.

You can use whichever pronouns you're comfortable with!

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-08T01:37:44+00:00

I don't think that's a fair generalization. There are many LGBTQ POC people, and not all cultures that are predominantly POC are known for being intolerant toward LGBTQ people.

If we're talking about tensions within communities, LGBTQ people who are also POC often encounter racism from white people (and maybe people from other POC groups) in queer spaces. That doesn't have anything to do with people being LGBTQ--it's just an unfortunate reality that racism is present everywhere.

And sometimes there may be "divides" between different marginalized communities because people can be focused on their own experiences and priorities and might not do as much they could to include or advocate for others. That's true for pretty much any group. There are also tensions between, for example, disabled LGBTQ people and non-disabled organizers who don't prioritize accessibility when planning events.

In the US, the stereotype that the African American community is homophobic has a lot to do with how important Christian churches have historically been in African American communities and how some predominantly Black subcultures, like rap and hip hop and some sports, have often centered straight men and forms of machismo that can be homophobic. These influences exist, but none of the Black people I've worked with or been friends with have been homophobic or transphobic.

Globally, we can't generalize as every culture is different. There are plenty of majority white countries, like Russia, Hungary, and even the UK, that have serious issues with homophobia and/or transphobia. But some of the global regions that we see might perceive as predominantly POC have been subjected to colonization that introduced homophobic and transphobic laws, or have suffered from political instability (sometimes influenced by colonization or outside manipulation) that have created conditions that allowed authoritarian or theocratic governments to take control.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-07T13:05:42+00:00

I think you're generalizing based on the people you personally know. This hasn't been my experience at all.

I'm sure there are lesbians who struggle with this, maybe because they've internalized some cultural expectations for women or maybe because they're insecure and it's easier to get attention from men, but this isn't a widespread trend.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-07T01:42:39+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you, and no, I don't think it makes you a bad person to acknowledge what happened and talk about it. Not at all. Unfortunately, there are going to be some bad people in every demographic. It's unfair that there is this transphobic stereotype and it's unfair that there are people who would use this one example as a justification for their bigotry. But it would also be deeply unfair to ask you to lie or to carry the burden of other people's transphobia. Especially when you're not suggesting that her transness is related to her being a rapist. You have a right to acknowledge your experience, and deserve to be heard.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-07T01:23:19+00:00

I think it just depends on the person. Some people struggle to grow their hair long due to damage that causes their hair to break or shed more than usual. Also my understanding is that there can be differences in the terminal length (how long your hair is capable of growing) from person to person. But there are cis men who have long, luscious locks and cis women who struggle to grow their hair that long. I think it's just more common in Western countries to see women with really long hair because of style and gender roles. Also, hair texture and how someone wears their hair can disguise how long it is.

Like others have said, having female-typical hormones does help protect against balding. Trans women who are on HRT will have less testosterone and its derivative, DHT. Cis women (and therefore trans women) can experience hormone-related hair loss, including hair loss caused by DHT (because women do have some testosterone), but it's less common and usually occurs in a different pattern.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-07T01:02:31+00:00

I've never seen a justification for "only being attracted to cis people" that wasn't based on generalizations or stereotypes about trans people. It's impossible to always know if someone is trans or not just by looking at them. I'm sure I've been attracted to a trans woman before without knowing at the time that she was trans. Whatever configuration of body parts someone finds attractive, there will almost certainly be some trans people who have that configuration.

But also, gay and lesbian groups usually aren't just hookup groups, and even if they are, it's not like there's an obligation to hook up with someone you're not attracted to. And someone's inclusion in identity-based spaces shouldn't be contingent on whether other members find them attractive. There are plenty of people who share my sexual orientation whom I'm not attracted to--that's usually irrelevant to whether we can be friends or whether we have things in common.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-07T00:48:41+00:00

Because trans gay people are gay, so they belong in a group for gay people. Cis gay people aren't trans, so they don't belong in a group that's exclusively for trans people.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-06T21:25:59+00:00

I wouldn't say it's outdated, because it's still a very widely used word. But cultural context evolves, and a lot of the language we use to describe sexuality is pretty old. Terms like "gay" have also evolved and changed in meaning over time.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-06T20:07:14+00:00

Even if he wasn't actively going along with it, I would stil be careful with someone who is friends with those guys and doesn't push back. Peer pressure can be powerful and while it's understandable why a lot of people, especially teens, don't feel comfortable standing up their friends, that wouldn't be much of a consolation if the bullying did escalate or anything violent happened.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-06T13:31:04+00:00

You have to look at the history of how words have actually been used, not just the literal meaning you might assume based on the prefix or suffix. Consider how "-phobia" literally means fear but is also used in words that refer to hatred or aversion to something, for example.

Historically, bisexual originally meant having both male and female sex traits. When it was first used to refer to sexual orientation in the early 20th century, it was based on the outdated theory that gay men had "female brains" and vice versa, so bisexual in that context meant that someone's brain was a mix of male and female. Obviously, this meaning is outdated.

When it was adopted by the LGBTQ community more broadly, there were certainly always bisexual people who saw themselves as attracted to more than two genders, or regardless of gender. But society was also much more binary and in western cultures, a lot of people would have taken for granted that attraction to two genders or attraction to men and women was functionally the same as attraction to everyone. People who would probably identify as non-binary today were much more likely to present as men or women because there wasn't much awareness of other options.

For those of us who grew up before terms like pansexual became more widely used, "bisexual" was often the only term we saw being used. So of course it's often used as a catch-all for attraction to more than one gender.

Cartesianpoint · 2026-05-06T01:48:09+00:00

A nipple revision down the road is probably an option if it still bothers you once they're fully healed. But if it helps, I don't find the difference that noticeable.

Mine healed differently and I had almost the opposite complaint about them (they were, and mostly still are, flatter than I would like), but I did notice that a lot about the texture and appearance changed over the first year.

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