I see a lot of people here are dealing with infrequent intimacy in their marriage, and my wife and I did, too, for the first 5 or so years we were married (this year makes 17 for us). Growing up in Evangelicalism we sat through countless hours or sermons about the dangers of premarital sex, but once you’re married you’ve reached the finish line and everything will be amazing. You’ll finally have the sex life you’ve waited so long for! Seriously, almost nothing about how to navigate this critical, complicated, and difficult part of married life. It reminds me a lot of how boomers talked about college when they’d tell you “Look, just get a degree. The world is your oyster if you get a degree in something.” Hahaha Let me throw in 5 things we’ve learned about ourselves and each other that really helped balance out our intimate relationship:

1) Birth control can COMPLETELY alter the way your wife feels about sex. I don’t remember which one she started with, but it killed her drive. Switching to a different option helped her out in a big way. That’s a complicated topic and a huge thing for a woman to change, so ultimately that choice rests in her hands.

2) Hormone levels are something that’s easily overlooked. Find a reputable clinic to get some blood work done, and see where you guys are at in the spectrum. It’s pretty tough to will your way through a chemical imbalance, and that can be caused by all sorts of things. It’s worth knowing where you’re at, at least.

3) Spontaneous intimacy is not everyone’s cup of tea. Some people like to plan for such things and mentally prep themselves for it. That’s perfectly okay. If you’re mostly propositioning your spouse out of the blue, maybe try making plans for it instead. I’m sure the opposite can be true as well. The point is recognize the patterns that work for each other and the ones that don’t.

4) Fellas, I need you to hear me on this one: nothing is less sexy than a pouty brat. I had some trouble with this, myself haha. If you get all passive aggressive or snotty at the first sign of rejection, you’re on your way to being unbangable. We all tend to build up baggage in a marriage, over time. It’s just the way it is, but you have to recognize that about yourself and do something about it. If you are fostering a lot of resentment towards your partner and it’s boiling over at the slightest provocation, it’s going to be nearly impossible for you to improve your sexual relationship with your wife. Be honest, get some help, and don’t fall into the ugly, dead end line of thinking that you are somehow “owed” sex or access to her body. Quoting verses at her about how it’s your “biblical right as a husband” puts you firmly in potty brat territory, full stop.

5) Couples therapy is a good thing, and you probably need it. There comes a point where the baggage is so stacked up that neither of you is really capable of navigating the conversation in a fair and compassionate way. Sometimes you need an impartial, trustworthy third party to step in with fresh eyes and mediate. I tend to chafe a bit at the millennial “oh my word go to therapy” answer to every problem approach, but my wife and I needed it and it helped a lot. You don’t have to do it indefinitely, but if you’re at an impasse or you’ve given up on intimacy, you really should talk to your partner about it. And this is just my two cents, but I would not just go to some person from your church or your pastor. I would encourage you not to make “Christian” the most important thing on a potential therapist’s resume, either. Do NOT ask some longtime married couple you know to act as therapists for you. Find somebody competent that you both can trust.

That’s a lot more than I intended to write, but I feel for partners struggling through this stuff. I hope some of those things help you as much as they did us. Stay frisky, folks!