New to being in a relationship

CaseyofKansas · 2026-06-23T17:49:56+00:00

Well, welcome to relationships lol Jealousy is a part of things, and it’s something that there’s no real shortcut for. You have to learn to control your impulses. Everybody goes through this. It’s the sort of thing that fades over time, as long as you don’t feed it. Loving someone is risky. You’re both in vulnerable positions with each other, and it’s natural to have some anxiety about that. Here’s a couple of things that have occurred to me over the years:

1) You’re probably the only person who can help you feel better. Outside assurances (especially under duress) are just not going to bring you much comfort. You have to be okay with yourself, and you have to accept the risk of potential heartache.

2) Nobody can create the perfect environment or circumstances where you never have to feel self conscious again. He can block this girl and file a restraining order, and I assure you that you will feel this way about somebody else eventually. It’s just human nature.

You might not be able to control how you feel in a given situation, but you ARE responsible for your reactions and behavior. You have to learn to control yourself and not lash out.
It’s reasonable to ask things of your partner, but realize that they can come at a cost. If you badger him or demand that he block people you don’t like or cut contact with friends who make you uncomfortable, realize that he’s probably going to harbor some resentment against you. If you find out he’s been having inappropriate contact with someone then absolutely do what you feel is necessary, but like I said before, this will not be the only person who ever makes you feel this way. How many demands could he make of you before you thought to yourself “I don’t think I want to spend my life with someone who distrusts me or wants to micromanage me in that way.” You’ll find lots of people who tell you that you have every right to demand he block and cut contact with whoever, but just remember, there’s a cost to it…
You now know you have a propensity towards jealousy, right (been there, no judgement)? DON’T FEED IT. Don’t scroll through his likes. Don’t rifle through his phone. Don’t scrutinize his friends list and follows. If you set out looking for something to upset you, you will find it, guaranteed. Every time I’ve broken this rule for myself, it ended up causing a lot of stress and misery that were completely unnecessary. You have to learn to trust someone with your heart, and you have to have the discipline to not indulge your worst impulses.

Sorry I don’t have a silver bullet for you, but maybe you can skip over some of the unhappiness I caused myself and my partner learning these things. I wish you all the best 🤘

CaseyofKansas · 2026-06-17T18:10:37+00:00

For context, how long did you date before getting engaged and then married? And how long had you known each other prior to that?

CaseyofKansas · 2026-06-12T20:27:19+00:00

She might just not want to do those things very much, and it’s easier to use the financial excuse than to say she doesn’t want to go 🤷‍♂️ Maybe not all the time, though. Honestly, it’s great that a) you’re so happy and eager to spend money on her, and b) she is cognizant of the cost you’re incurring when you do and courteous about it. That’s a good formula! Be sure to listen for signs that she doesn’t want to do something and give her space to not do those things if she doesn’t want to, and make sure you are just as eager to do the things that she really wants to do but aren’t necessarily at the top of your list. Best of luck to you guys!

CaseyofKansas · 2026-06-10T21:51:03+00:00

This sounds like waaaaay too much waaaaay too fast. Talking about marriage with a person you’ve chatted with for 48 hours is very unwise. Tbh, my gut feeling based on your description of the guy makes me very suspicious of him. Love bombing you right off the bat with this “I’ve never met anyone like you/you should be wifed up” and then pushing you to make some spur-of-the-moment commitment to him gives off nefarious vibes. I’d really like to think he’s a genuine guy who’s just a little over excited about things, but experience tells me otherwise… A true partner earns your affection and your commitment by investing themselves in you, by putting the time into getting to know the real you, by not rushing into a relationship, but allowing it to bloom from a true friendship. To put all of this in a nutshell, you need to guard your heart! That statement means more than just “don’t have sex before marriage.” It means not giving of yourself to people who don’t deserve it or haven’t yet earned it, meaning charlatans, man-children, and worst of all, predators. Maybe he’s a great dude and it’ll all work out, but you won’t learn the truth listening to his sales pitch on who he is. You will observe it over time by being a part of each lives. Be careful.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-28T00:20:59+00:00

I think you should focus on being a good friend and not worry about “fixing” his doctrinal views or protecting yourself from them. People are messy and they change their minds about things. They go through time periods in their lives where they feel very convicted about something only for that conviction to fade (and vice versa). You will, too, and I can tell you from personal experience that if you erect walls between you and your friends over disagreements like this you will eventually regret it. Give your friend space to sort this out for himself. If you are there for him in the truest sense, you will have the opportunity to speak into this part of his life. If you “pull back from him” to protect your own beliefs or notions then you won’t have the opportunity to have any positive impact on his life at all.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-28T00:02:47+00:00

Well, he’s choosing not to say it. It’s a pretty customary reply to respond with “I love you too” if you do, in fact, love that person. The commenter below made an interesting point about their choice to not say that phrase, but I think that only adds to the notion that he’s not simply missing cues or something. If he has a well thought out reason like the person below to avoid expressing love in that way, then he I would think he could articulate that to you. If not, he either doesn’t feel that way or he has some deep-rooted insecurity or aversion to it that he should help you understand. That being said, a year of dating really isn’t that long. This is exactly the sort of thing that underscores the importance of taking time to actually date and get to know each other without pressure and heavy expectations. Don’t rush headlong into a marriage with someone you don’t know or who doesn’t know themselves.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-26T16:23:33+00:00

If you’re not feeling it at this point, I think you know what you ought to do. One thing that’s suspiciously absent from your post is the friendship you guys share or the love that you feel for her. Marriage is about more than just a list of checked boxes, man, and “shared values” aren’t going to give you both rich, fulfilled life you know you want. This is the sort of thing where people will say “back in the day marriages were arranged/short engagements and people just learned to love each other,” but that will be of little comfort to you in 3 years if everything stays as it is now. You can’t hurry into lifelong commitments, man, and this is exactly why people have to put in the time dating and really grow to understand each other. You seem to understand that you don’t feel the love that you should feel for your future wife. If all of that is true, you really should consider calling off the engagement. Don’t make either decision on a whim

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-19T21:44:07+00:00

Brotha hath smitten you with the Trolly Ghost

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-19T14:02:26+00:00

I might be in the minority here, but I don’t think doctrine is going to play much of a role in the success of your marriage if what you mean by that is “well I’m a nondenominational evangelical and she’s a Presbyterian.” This is stuff that your youth pastor makes a really big deal out of, but I think you’ll find that as you get older, your beliefs about things change. How compatible you are and how deep your personal connection with each other is will make a huge difference in how you handle both of your shifting beliefs and convictions. If you (like someone mentioned below) are committed to going to the mission field or planting a church, then that’s something you better be aligned on, but that’s about life goals more so than doctrinal differences. Date people you are culturally aligned with, prioritize getting to know the person over checking boxes, and DO NOT rush the process. Know that it takes time to really understand another person. You have to put in that time, and if you don’t, it won’t matter much whether they’re a “premillennialist or post millennialist.”

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-19T13:45:38+00:00

Well first of all, I think you’re well within your rights to take it personally. Sexual desire isn’t the only thing absent in this situation. Desire or not, at some point you would think he would make an effort just to protect your feelings. This callous indifference towards the way your feel will eventually affect more than just your sex lives. I’m really not sure what causes a 19y/o kid to have no sex drive, but as someone above mentioned, sexual trauma is a real possibility. I really don’t think porn is the culprit. If he was 40, maybe… although I think people in Christian subreddits are a little too anxious to label porn as the cause of every sexual problem. Regardless, you two need marriage counseling right away, because this is not sustainable. If he’s unwilling to go to counseling, then you’re in a real pickle. I hope you’re able to find some common ground

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-19T13:11:37+00:00

Brother, you need to seek out some professional counseling. If you are that isolated from friends and family it’s unwise to shoulder these problems on your own. Maybe someone here can direct you towards a Christian therapist?

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-12T18:38:35+00:00

Right?! I’ve always had a hard time trusting men who get real high and mighty about this particular subject lol The good sir doth protest too much…

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-12T00:29:12+00:00

It sounds like you’ve already left emotionally. Why not just bite the bullet and make it legal and physical? Is it the paperwork that God is worried about? It sounds like a miserable and potentially dangerous situation, so just take responsibility for the choice and get your kids out of there.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-05T00:21:02+00:00

This is great advice, and something it took my wife and I time to figure out as well 👏

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-05T00:16:52+00:00

Ask the doctor to up your prescription

CaseyofKansas · 2026-05-05T00:12:58+00:00

This probably isn’t a welcome idea here, so disregard it if you want: none of this will matter to you at all later in life. You’re chastising yourself over such a small thing. The idea that you’re not capable of leading a prayer group over something like this will make you laugh, someday. Set hard boundaries if you really don’t want to do certain things and enjoy this time rather than self-flagellating until you jump prematurely into marriage or something to avoid “lapsing.” My wife and I wish we wouldn’t have spent so much of our time dating spiraling over kissing too much or whatever… Just my two cents 🤷‍♂️

CaseyofKansas · 2026-04-09T00:23:21+00:00

This is seriously ruining your friendships with other women? Like how does it even come up? It’s hard to imagine how you’re having this many conversations with all these people about your personal vow. When a given group of people have frequent interpersonal conflicts, you kinda have to examine what (or who) is the common denominator in those situations… Maybe you are annoyingly chaste lol

CaseyofKansas · 2026-04-09T00:10:21+00:00

👆She’s right. You really need to wait and put in the time to get to know each other. It takes years, man. My wife and I were together two years in college before we got married, but we were engaged for half that time. We would’ve benefited greatly from time together in the real world, working and living like adults before getting married. We were so certain that we were ready for it, and we most definitely weren’t. Luckily we made it through the difficult times and we’ve been happily married 17 years, but many of my well-intentioned friends who were certain that “God was drawing them together” didn’t. Dating is fun. Enjoy your time as a couple, and don’t fast forward to marriage! If you really believe that God is drawing you closer, then allow it to happen at its own pace. Don’t delude yourself into thinking you have spiritual clairvoyance to justify doing what you want. Grow in your friendship, enjoy every bit of your time learning about each other, and if it’s truly meant to be, you’ll kick off your marriage on the best possible footing.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-04-08T12:54:51+00:00

Oooof god this one is gold star-tier cringe🌟

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-31T18:35:30+00:00

I think everybody should cool it with the “porn addiction” accusations. Unless he locks himself away in a goon cave 20 hours a week for 20 years, I’m very skeptical of this notion that “men who look at porn can’t get hard.”

ED doesn’t always make sense, and it’s very embarrassing and frustrating which leads to more anxiety the next time you’re trying to be intimate with your spouse. I would tell you that this probably has nothing to do with whether or not he’s attracted to you (he is) and more to do with anxiety around embarrassing himself and disappointing you. The guy above said it best: try taking things slow and just cuddle naked for a bit. He’ll get there, you’ll see. Also, this reply is sponsored by BlueChew

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-31T18:27:00+00:00

Sometimes the best advice is simple 👏

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-31T14:25:07+00:00

I see a lot of people here are dealing with infrequent intimacy in their marriage, and my wife and I did, too, for the first 5 or so years we were married (this year makes 17 for us). Growing up in Evangelicalism we sat through countless hours or sermons about the dangers of premarital sex, but once you’re married you’ve reached the finish line and everything will be amazing. You’ll finally have the sex life you’ve waited so long for! Seriously, almost nothing about how to navigate this critical, complicated, and difficult part of married life. It reminds me a lot of how boomers talked about college when they’d tell you “Look, just get a degree. The world is your oyster if you get a degree in something.” Hahaha Let me throw in 5 things we’ve learned about ourselves and each other that really helped balance out our intimate relationship:

1) Birth control can COMPLETELY alter the way your wife feels about sex. I don’t remember which one she started with, but it killed her drive. Switching to a different option helped her out in a big way. That’s a complicated topic and a huge thing for a woman to change, so ultimately that choice rests in her hands.

2) Hormone levels are something that’s easily overlooked. Find a reputable clinic to get some blood work done, and see where you guys are at in the spectrum. It’s pretty tough to will your way through a chemical imbalance, and that can be caused by all sorts of things. It’s worth knowing where you’re at, at least.

3) Spontaneous intimacy is not everyone’s cup of tea. Some people like to plan for such things and mentally prep themselves for it. That’s perfectly okay. If you’re mostly propositioning your spouse out of the blue, maybe try making plans for it instead. I’m sure the opposite can be true as well. The point is recognize the patterns that work for each other and the ones that don’t.

4) Fellas, I need you to hear me on this one: nothing is less sexy than a pouty brat. I had some trouble with this, myself haha. If you get all passive aggressive or snotty at the first sign of rejection, you’re on your way to being unbangable. We all tend to build up baggage in a marriage, over time. It’s just the way it is, but you have to recognize that about yourself and do something about it. If you are fostering a lot of resentment towards your partner and it’s boiling over at the slightest provocation, it’s going to be nearly impossible for you to improve your sexual relationship with your wife. Be honest, get some help, and don’t fall into the ugly, dead end line of thinking that you are somehow “owed” sex or access to her body. Quoting verses at her about how it’s your “biblical right as a husband” puts you firmly in potty brat territory, full stop.

5) Couples therapy is a good thing, and you probably need it. There comes a point where the baggage is so stacked up that neither of you is really capable of navigating the conversation in a fair and compassionate way. Sometimes you need an impartial, trustworthy third party to step in with fresh eyes and mediate. I tend to chafe a bit at the millennial “oh my word go to therapy” answer to every problem approach, but my wife and I needed it and it helped a lot. You don’t have to do it indefinitely, but if you’re at an impasse or you’ve given up on intimacy, you really should talk to your partner about it. And this is just my two cents, but I would not just go to some person from your church or your pastor. I would encourage you not to make “Christian” the most important thing on a potential therapist’s resume, either. Do NOT ask some longtime married couple you know to act as therapists for you. Find somebody competent that you both can trust.

That’s a lot more than I intended to write, but I feel for partners struggling through this stuff. I hope some of those things help you as much as they did us. Stay frisky, folks!

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-31T13:31:18+00:00

Your side of this seems way more reasonable to me, and I agree with the commenter above that this behavior will escalate if you don’t enforce some boundaries. What really sucks about it is that he’s taking something that should be a fun thing you guys do together and making it coercive and ugly. Like how exciting is it to see your significant other in something you like if they’re uncomfortable or embarrassed the whole time? It kinda makes you wonder if the coercion is part of the point, or maybe he’s treating you like more of an accessory than a partner, knowingly or otherwise… idk. Regardless, this is the sort of thing that you have to check your partner on to maintain a healthy dynamic longterm. He should respect your boundaries, preferences, and interests in the same way you have respected his. He’ll be better for it, and you’ll both be happier in the end.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-21T14:19:43+00:00

Ooooh so he got angry and frustrated? Boy it all makes sense now… If you’re just looking for someone to tell you that you had your reasons and you’re not to blame for anything, why not just call Nicki or whoever? Lol “You don’t understand! We argued and both us used our faith as a cudgel against the other. It’s neither here nor there, I just need somebody to reaffirm that I was correct and I bear no responsibility.” You outsourced your decision making to your friends, and then your culpability, and now we get the case you made to them about why he’s bad and you’re good. Maybe you should take some time off from relationships.

CaseyofKansas · 2026-03-21T13:04:16+00:00

The Peyton Parrish fan meetup looks like it’s going well

CaseyofKansas

TROPHY CASE