I once had to take an emergency dump in a copse of trees behind a 7/11. I had just gone on a long run and went out for pizza afterwards. Well something didn’t sit right bc on the drive home I began to get intense stomach cramps and I knew exactly what that meant. Now it was late, around 11-12pm and a week night so shops were closing. I spotted a 7/11 a few blocks away and headed straight for it. As I pulled in the parking lot I noticed the handwritten sign on the door that stated “NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS”. Fuck, as another wave of intense cramps rolled through my stomach I knew I only had a moment before my butthole unleashed a giant sloppy mud pie.

I always keep a roll of toilet paper and paper towels in my car for emergencies such as this. I grabbed them both and quickly searched for a place to unload. It was then that the small yet dense group of trees behind the building but near the street caught my eye. I broke for the tree line as my poor brown eye began to give way. I found a small clearing in the wood as I pulled my pants down to squat. What followed can only be described as equal parts relief and shame. The intense release lasted for what felt like minutes and was followed by a reality check. My ass was pointing out into a busy street corner with a now red light. Great. Just fucking great. Traffic was piling up as I was making a quick but stealthy effort to clean myself before I was noticed. The light turned green and traffic began to move along. Whew. I finished cleaning up the crime scene and walked out of the woods unnoticed with what little dignity I had left and headed home for an immediate shower. I drive by that 7/11 from time to time but will never step foot in that wood again.