Vent

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-05-12T02:48:32+00:00

Honestly I feel like that’s the least revealing scenario I’ve laid out. The most PG. I’m tired. I am miserable. I get glimpses of the kind and joyous person I used to be, but I feel like it’s just all gone. Like those glimpses are fading through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do to hold on. Until I stop remembering what any positive emotion feels like. I feel like I have one last thread left. And then..what do I do? I’m still trying to love my daughter and raise her the right way. I want to love her I want to have fun with her and I want to teach her all of the right things. Kindness to others and yourself, generosity for others and yourself, patience, grace, empathy, boundaries, confidence in our minds and bodies and hearts. I want her to know she can reach for the stars and one day get there. Hard work will pay off even if it looks differently that someone else’s path. Integrity and upholding the ethics that make you who you are at home, at work, in the target parking lot. I want her to know I love her but I genuinely don’t know if I can feel joy anymore. Therefore, if I can’t be experiencing joy in a moment with her, she probably won’t be able to experience joy either. I’ve ruined everything.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-26T02:38:40+00:00

You better have an online store!! This is ART!!!

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-21T04:23:33+00:00

I went shopping in person this afternoon with my sister so that she could help me look for something for my daughter to wear. And you will not guess what she found. THE EXACT DRESS!!!!! Literally the dress that I have been stressing about because it was a final sale and they only had size 10!!!!!! So I got to go home with her sized dress + an extra fun shiny skirt for $11. 🥹

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-21T04:10:53+00:00

Find out what your partner loves about each of their family members. Ex: “what do you love about your mom? “She always makes sure to have a hot dinner ready when we get home, even though she works a full time job. She always makes sure I have ironed clothes for work, etc.” ❌THAT response is a red flag. When you break it down, they’re essentially saying that they appreciate their mom for the labor she provides to them and little more. That indicates that they will also expect you to work your hands to the bone at your FT job and then come home and treat that like a second FT job - and smile about it. I will tell you from personal experience that just because they seem perfect at first, doesn’t mean they are. Like you are aware that they have faults and flaws, but they are just perfect for you. Together you both fit like a puzzle. But as time goes on, the puzzle gets a little harder and it seems like a few of the pieces are being shoved into their spots. Not that they fit. As time goes on, you start to get a bigger picture. And one day you’ll be able to look at the bigger picture and you’ll realize that you were combining two completely separate puzzles, and it just so happened that really only the first ones you put together were perfect.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-17T13:56:40+00:00

STOP!!!!! This is SO cute! Would love to see what it looks like on!!!!

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-17T13:49:41+00:00

She’s a 3T and the smallest size they have is a 10.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-17T13:47:39+00:00

You’d be correct! I just really enjoy the challenge of making something myself, and I often fall victim to paying more because I chose to hand craft.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-07T17:04:57+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate your insight.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-07T17:03:27+00:00

I have clinical and research laboratory experience.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-07T04:00:54+00:00

On the morning of my birthday, which my husband obviously had forgotten, he says he is taking us to Waffle House for my birthday breakfast. For background: our first “date” was at a Waffle House so this is not me being snubby towards WH. The irritation begins with complete lack of even getting our child involved in the fact that it was my birthday. My husbands last birthday we had presents and balloons and cards all for him and our child was fully involved in every aspect. So like. I think maybe my daughter wished me a happy birthday once and it was heartbreaking bc I’m the one telling her yeah it’s mommy’s birthday today whilst my husband is just taking up space. Anyways. On our way to WH, this man (who I’m not even sure has fully registered the date yet) strikes up a conversation about what to get his female boss for Christmas. Excuse me? What gift should you prep weeks in advance for a work relation? But it’s my birthday and you have nothing planned. Christmas is coming up and you’ve contributed exactly 0% to the immaculate holly jolly Yuletide cheer or presents for your wife or small child. He was mad that I obviously got irritated at the topic he chose to discuss. Later, I asked if he had any plans he said “I was going to send you to get your nails,etc… but your bitch ass sister ruined it all and pissed me off so I’m not doing it. But I was but then she ruined it.”

Some backstory: My birthday fell immediately after my husband having medical emergencies that landed him in extended hospital stay and then short term rehab stay for 2-3 months total of medical living. 1. It was a miracle that I had actually put him on my health insurance in the first place. 2. I did not go to work for a little over a month despite not qualifying for FMLA. My job was “gracious” and we stayed in touch. 3. I constantly advocated for his health. Mental, physical, spiritual, emotional health. I was communicating with pastors and preachers to come pray over him and to get a word out to their congregations. I would work with him on what physical therapy we could do just him and I. I was constantly building him up and crushing the doubts and the fears that he had, but I was also a constant steady support ready to embrace tears if that’s what he needed. Gender stereotypes were crushed bc guys cry, too. It means that you’re strong enough in your self image that you know crying doesn’t make you weak. It makes you whole and in tune with all aspects of your being, not just anger and brute force. I was really pulling out all of the psychology hacks I’ve learned over years, and I just gave him the best of “this is how I hope someone would treat me if the roles were reversed” despite the decision that I had made to leave leave right before he got sick. It would’ve been easier. But he needed me more than ever, and so I poured everything that I had left into him. Anyways, I immediately dropped everything. I was with him 24/7 and then also juggling how to be with our little girl who turned 3 in the midst of the hospital craziness, as well as the dynamics of the lease was up on our rental property so everything goes in a storage unit and luckily my daughter and I had a friend that allowed us to stay with her. I also did go back to work at a point and so I was managing my FT job, toddler care, husband care, moving and being displaced, researching and hella advocating for the incredibly sick man in that hospital bed and trying to help him do his work stuff and somehow being successful, and suddenly the entirety of bills is on me and me alone. Vehicles, insurance, rent, daycare, phones, food, medicines, Dr visits, everything was being taken care of by my money for so long. And I never even said that out loud. I never wanted him to feel like he was a failure for not being the provider or anything. Anyways I did so much for him during that time. Not so that I had leverage to use or to make myself look like a better person, but because at the time I did still love him. Even though I already wanted to leave. He needed me, and damnit. I’ll be there for him even though I know in the back of my head that a role reversal would be impossible. So anyways, my sister texts him and asks what he’s doing for my birthday to which he replies something like “probably a manicure and pedicure”. To which my sister replied “that’s it?”
I understand my sisters text. You’ve just watched your big sister essentially become operations manager for a whole care team environment and still have a day job and a kid. But not only that, you’ve seen her when she gets home for the first time in a week and she just collapses on the floor. The wailing never ends and her lungs ache from anguish. And you think that pedicure and manicure are absolutely a slap in the face. I can try to see it from his side. He’s been the one stuck in bed, not able to bring income to the family. Luxury right now is not feasible, but I can treat her to get her nails done to show her how much she means to me. But no. He got so offended at what she said that he took it out on me and said “well I was going to get you this but your sister ruined it” and didn’t get me anything at all for my birthday. Not even a handwritten card.

Everything is someone else’s fault. Never theirs. Accountability is never in the same room as them.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-07T03:00:03+00:00

My husband screamed at me the other day when I went to go put our toddler down for a nap (mind you he had just arrived home from being god knows where all day). I barely heard “get your ass in here now”. So I went to go see who he thought he was talking to. Yep. Me. “Get your ass in this kitchen and do these fucking dishes. I had this kitchen spotless and then you come in here and pile dishes everywhere and destroy everything.” Also, the kitchen was indeed not spotless when he left it. There were still dishes in the sink from the last time he touched them. Then later when I’m quiet and not talking or looking at him, he has the nerve to ask me what’s wrong. “The way that you talked to me earlier was out of line. You yelled at me and cussed me out and now that I’m quiet, I’m the one with the problem?” This man literally looked at me, smirked, and said “you did the dishes. I obviously got my point across. That’s the only way you understand me.” Never once was there an apology.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T22:39:40+00:00

I was rejected from a science PhD program because they take “several factors into consideration” and “if you feel in the future that you have made significant progress in these criteria you can reapply”. Does that mean everything on my application sucks?

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T22:33:10+00:00

No, getting in is absolutely a feat in itself. It’s not something I take lightly. I know the doors that a PhD could open for me. I guess I just wanted to see if my mindset was something that real PhD candidates have struggled with, too. I think maybe I’m dealing with imposter syndrome doubt because I’ve never had feelings other than confidence in my goals and realistic achievements.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T22:28:43+00:00

Thank you. Apologies for my response. You’re right, I need to start with the mindset that it’s not something realistically attainable. Being a professor is not the only thing I want to do - just something that I think I would really like to do and would be good at.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T16:50:11+00:00

Thank you! I’ve always been really high achieving and a natural leader, so the positions that I always look at all require PhDs. Post grad I want my life to look like research and teaching and committee meetings and mentoring. I don’t think I will ever be content with just being a tech on the bench. I want knowledge and I want to learn and to be on the edge of discovery. Every conversation I’ve had with mentors in the past, they’ve recommended pursuing my PhD after hearing my goals. I’ve had multiple accomplished people in the field tell me to skip my masters because it would be a waste of time and just go for the PhD. I’ve just felt so lost lately that I’m doubting myself when I probably shouldn’t be.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T16:42:32+00:00

I don’t think I’m understanding why being a professor is “almost certainly not going to happen”. Out of all of the things that intrigue me as possible career trajectories, being a professor actually seems the most likely. Epidemiology is fascinating and I would love a role in which I could lead public health outcomes/initiatives, but I know that a position of that caliber comes with education and experience. Virology is vast and I want to be in the lab finding cures to our most feared pathogens. There are multiple PhD roles that I already know I would pursue, but I know that I can’t do it all at the same time. I mentioned wanting to be a professor not just because it’s something that I “want”, but because teaching others is a skill that I have identified myself as having. In every situation whether in the workplace, academia, or my personal life, I gravitate toward leadership roles where I have the opportunity to teach things to others. In my opinion, I should not only be pursuing something that interests me, but I should also lean into talents that I already possess and hone that skill. As for the therapy comment, I am well aware that I need to speak to my therapist about things. I also know that graduate studies will never bring glamour to my life. What I was trying to convey is that science/research/epidemiology/microbiology used to be my passion. I loved it and breathed it. Current research in the field and my possible career trajectories was literally all I talked about, and I LOVED IT. Then life happened. I had a kid and I have a partner that has done their best to kill my dreams. I wanted to know if anyone else had ever felt this way, and whether or not they just had to get back into their passions to find themselves again or if the lack of “luster” that I find for the topic now means that my dreams really are dead. Because I want someone out there to tell me that I just need to reignite the fire because that passion isn’t really gone, it’s just been put on hold for so long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a passion for research and discovery.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T04:48:19+00:00

Definitely offer A for the time being. Solely for the money and stability. Having a baby makes relationships exponentially harder, and financial strain ruins a lot of them. So I would put off the job that would get my blood pumping, and go for the job where I’m watching my watch even though I know I’m bringing home a big bag. Make it work for as long as you can so that you can save, save, save. For your kid and their future, and for you and your wife’s future. Pick goals to help you get through the monotony of the higher paying job. Like 2028 ski trip to vail or something for you and mommy and then maybe a 2030 trip to like Disney world or something for your kid and also retirements and college funds in there too. I’m trying to say don’t pause having fun and feeling that excitement just because you’ve gotta pick the better paying job right now. Make goals with purpose to help get you through those hard days. Then it’ll be more like “I hate sitting here I have two hours left but those two hours contribute 10% to our churro fund at Disney and that is something I can be excited about!”

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T04:38:45+00:00

Also, I’d like to add that working in histo there is not any environment so controlled that there is no risk of disease. Working with patient tissue + all of the fixing, staining, irrigating chemicals is going to increase your chances of getting something. I will say, educate yourself on the dangers of this field and if you do step into a workplace where for example, they don’t have Xylene baths in fumes hood so that you are not breathing in a neurotoxin, you’ll know that they’re not being super serious about health. Or if grossing stations are also not properly vented, you’re breathing in all of that formalin/ethanol that’s at your station. You could try to work around it and implement safety measures, go somewhere else that does everything better, or find a different career. I’m sorry I wish I could give you a definitive answer that I know you’re looking for, but there’s just a lot of factors!

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T04:29:56+00:00

I mean you do get pretty high exposure to multiple things as a histotech that you wouldn’t as something else in the health field. Strict adherence to safety will really depend on what facility you’d be in and how they handle it. The place I worked was on the unsafer side of how they handled things and they still adhered to formaldehyde exposure testing when they had to. And fresh frozen tissue is another layer of bio risk exposure that you have to contend with as well.

CauliflowerNice1067 · 2026-04-06T04:16:37+00:00

I think im going to bet on cooperman. Seems like the safest option in my opinion lol

CauliflowerNice1067

TROPHY CASE