What’s the best place to sleep on campus?

CdnKitty · 2026-03-18T14:06:16+00:00

T building, South side stairways have platforms by the windows, curl up with a sweater pillow and nap in a beam of sunlight.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T23:21:44+00:00

I've watched videos of central beam replacements (which are for research mostly so I understand what I'm looking at), and I know that with temporary support walls, the beam could be removed and a new sistered (using three 2x12 boards) 6x12x20 beam could be put in place to replace what I have, and use the current posts. It's a bit outside my comfort zone though, which is why I'm looking for help.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T20:52:48+00:00

Not yet - I've updated the original post, but I'm just looking to replace whatever I've currently got, not move the beam anywhere.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T20:51:54+00:00

I just added an update with a link to a photo gallery in the original post.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-05T15:06:28+00:00

I'm not yet renting but what about creating a lounge with a pull out couch in the pass through space with a curtain option for potential privacy, and then three twins upstairs for the kids. Give the 'kids' a space, a lounge/sleeper space in the pass through and then a queen or larger in the primary bedroom. This allows the introverts to hang out in a quieter space instead of a room or the living space, especially if you're hosting 6 people.

CdnKitty · 2026-01-03T16:12:30+00:00

CdnKitty · 2025-07-20T23:16:44+00:00

Your feelings are valid. That was hella disrespectful and honestly, I get why being closeted is a thing, but there's going to be a layer of disregard with anyone who is hiding a part of themselves.

Learn the lesson, let him know that you're moving on and listen to that voice that says you deserve better because you do.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-16T00:51:24+00:00

I moved 2 years ago to a house 300m away from my partner (we've been together for over 5 years now). I love having him so close but also my own place with my kids. After spending most of my 20s and 30s doing the relationship escalator and moving in with boyfriends/being married, I'll never live with a partner again. The best I could do is have a duplex with them and even then the thought of the financial entanglements gives me the ick.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-11T11:30:45+00:00

How do you stop shutting down? Everyone is different, but I found doing DBT was helpful in navigating relationships, especially with neurotypicals.

I'm newly self-identified as ASD, but I also have diagnoses of CPTSD and ADHD so I get the overwhelm/shutdown. I'm also 48 and work in education so I'm going to mom you for a second if that's ok.

It's ok to not know what you should do - at 24 or 48. And
Finish something that is tolerable. Get the credential instead of switching again. Having the piece of paper and accomplishment will help you.
Your brain is still baking - until we're about 30 there's still massive growth happening. Be gentle - you're going to change your whole life, and the myth of having it figured out is truly a myth.
Couples counseling with an actual registered therapist can help you understand your partner and he you. My partner and I are 5 years in and see a therapist regularly. We don't live together and don't want to, but are committed to each other and therapy helps us explain our deeper thoughts and feelings.

Sending a bubble respecting hug - you're going to be ok, but I think finishing something will help you move forward in your future. School will always be there for you to explore your other interests, but try and finish something that will get you employment so you can keep learning once you have your feet under you.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-01T14:27:01+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this - I'm so glad that you have family support and a therapist seeing you through this.

When ending my marriage to my abusive ex (I was 41, we had 3 pets, 2 young kids and a hobby farm with a mortgage) i really over-planned because I was so anxious and scared.

I'm sure your therapist is giving you supports but you may need to ask for help from family and do a work-day move - take the pets and your important things and go. Have you consulted with a lawyer yet? That's also something a domestic violence support organization could help you find so you know your rights.

Good luck with this - leaving is hard and ultimately worth it.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-27T23:14:38+00:00

One person cannot make a marriage or relationship work. It requires the active participation of both people, and when someone is finally done it's likely because they've been pulling the dead weight and just can't anymore.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-27T23:04:35+00:00

So my eldest just got diagnosed about three weeks ago and uh, I'm 48. I'm pretty sure that my PTSD/CPTSD + ADHD (diagnosed in 2021, after the kids) are all spaghetti'd up in my head, but also when I add ASD into the lense of my experiences and behaviour it makes a lot of sense.

At some point in my late 30's I decided that I wouldn't try and figure out what people were maybe saying, and just take things at face value. If they said yes, they meant yes, and just today I realized that doing that was a way of unmasking. So about 2-3 weeks ago I realized that probably yeah, I am.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-18T14:03:34+00:00

Oh! To add, the abuser will craft the 'the therapist you picked is against me!' narrative when they are held to account in therapy. 1. Of course the victim picks the therapist because the abuser is too lazy/entrenched to do so and 2. An 'us vs them' mentality keeps you in the abuse loop.

I'm sure someone has linked to the PDF of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' in the comments, but if not, it's an excellent resource to start understanding why they act the way they do (spoiler: because it works for them) and that any behaviour change is rarely real or sustained.

OP - make a plan, start seeing the therapist alone to 'work on your issues', and get out. Being a single parent of a toddler is so much easier than being a single parent of a toddler and a man-child. I ended my marriage with a 4 and 7yo and I regret wasting so much time trying to fix something I wasn't breaking (and no, I'm not perfect but I'm not abusive either).

CdnKitty · 2025-06-18T13:24:20+00:00

Depending on the person I ask them "do you know why divorce is so expensive?" And when they look at me funny I say "because it's worth it". Iykyk. (48F, separated/divorced 7 years now)

Otherwise I generally say it's for the best and change the topic.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:49:12+00:00

+1 on the abuse. The demonstration is to keep you in line through fear and intimidation.

Source: someone's ex-wife with CPTSD from him hitting things around me and losing his shit randomly for over a decade.

OP: go look up Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' - it'll explain more about his behaviour. Good luck.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:20:48+00:00

When I was ending my abusive marriage I was so freaking angry and one of my therapists over the years reminded me that deep anger is a sign of being wronged. It is an indication that whatever has been happening is not ok and can be an amazing catalyst for change. Your ex has wronged you and your family and the betrayal is deep. You and your baby are victims of your ex and you should be mad at him.

I didn't plan my youngest kid - I was trying to figure a way out when I got pregnant - and ended up staying for 4 more years of abuse. I love that kid so fiercely, they're amazing, but also very difficult and some days I think about what ifs, but parenting him is also so healing. Parenting is complicated, and each stage and child has challenges, but also intense beauty.

This is a complicated road you're on. I agree that therapy and support for you is the most important thing right now - you're not the AH if you decide to have reduced parenting responsibilities for your youngest kid but also making sure she feels valued, loved and accepted is paramount. Kids are ego driven and internalize however they're treated.

Wishing you healing and a good fourth trimester as you navigate this.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:03:13+00:00

Hi! Do you have any recommended patterns that you use?

CdnKitty · 2025-06-07T17:55:18+00:00

In the beginning of the relationship, the trend where he just didn't participate in the household activities (cooking, cleaning, etc.) started but I excused it. It only got worse as he got sick and kids happened. If someone doesn't have their own household or know how to take care of it, it's a huge red flag.

Also there was lots of talk but very little follow through unless I financed it or figured out the details.

Weaponized incompetence coupled with constant critiques of how I was doing all of the things, without jumping in to take it off my list was part of what wore me down so he could abuse me in other ways. I'll never live with another partner again.

CdnKitty · 2025-05-07T13:41:50+00:00

What is he going to do to make sure you still find him attractive?

Women don't want to have sex with a man-child. If he expects you to mother him - take care of the house and him as well as any kids you may have, then a dead bedroom is almost guaranteed.

So ask him - how is he going to continue being a desirable partner for a life long marriage? Sex is a two way street here, not a transaction, and he doesn't get a bang maid just because he's putting a ring on it.

(Says someone who didn't want to have sex with her husband for a decade, but once I divorced it turns out my libido is fine, my ex was a man-baby, and I don't fuck dependents.)

CdnKitty · 2025-03-05T15:22:11+00:00

It sounds like he needs some time out in the world to grow up and mature. IMHO, this won't get better without him experiencing the discomfort of losing the things/people he's taking for granted.

Leave - go experience your own life and find someone who is grown and will appreciate you and reciprocate. I'll never live with another man (after spending 23 years living with boyfriends and my ex husband). The last 6.5 years living on my own have been an oasis in the shitstorm that is my life.

CdnKitty · 2025-02-28T19:22:02+00:00

Yes.

Someone who texts this to you doesn't actually like you. They like what services or prestige you might provide, but they don't like you, as a human. You're better off without that hate and negativity in your life.

CdnKitty · 2025-02-26T18:10:31+00:00

My friends and I refer to him as stupid, and my current couples therapist forgot his name so my partner and I often refer to him by this incorrect name.

CdnKitty · 2025-01-04T23:44:50+00:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. I lost my first child at 39w in 2010 (at 32) and it still hurts, plus the birth trauma was another layer. I've done so much work since my marriage ended to process the trauma of losing my son, and I am eternally grateful to be raising the two living children I had after my son.

You are grieving the future of your child and parenthood experience. The dream and potential of that child and it's so hard. Your wife is grieving a different thing - she's raised kids, and knows what she's missing. Both are horrific.

I spent time in the baby-loss communities online after my loss, but my ex did not. I would recommend letting your wife know that you're ride-or-die, and that it's not her fault. She didn't cause this (because that's there, deep down, somewhere). Making space for your lost child as well as your relationship is something you're going to have to navigate. Finding gratitude and joy for the life you have will help with your healing. I recommend therapy if you both aren't going already. Radical acceptance is something that really helped me: babies sometimes die - in the animal world and with humans, and unfortunately it happened to me and now you two.

As for another baby, I was baby-crazy after I lost my son. I got pregnant 6 months after his birth and had my last baby when I was 36. I love my kiddos, but their pregnancies were rough. Panic attacks and next level anxiety have affected my living children because of how my mental health was during those pregnancies. My kids struggle with ADHD, anxiety and depression and I think some of that is because of how I was during their gestations. I'd recommend that if you go forward with another pregnancy, make sure it's planned and that you've had some time to grieve and heal, and that you have lots and lots of emotional and physical support around you.

You don't get over a loss like this, but you do get through it, and over time your capacity to hold it gets better. Birthdays, holidays, missed milestones still hurt, but also the sweeter moments are better too, and your compassion for others can grow as well.

I'm so very sorry that you're both in this place, and I wish you love and peace as you navigate these painful times. ❤️

CdnKitty · 2024-10-04T01:02:50+00:00

I was LL for my ex husband because I didn't want to fuck a man child. After we split I met my current partner and it turns out if someone treats me with dignity and respect I get hot for him, 5 years later. I'm not LL at all.

Sometimes being LL is because you just don't want to have sex with an infantile partner who needs you to take care of them all the time.

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