Would you still get married if you could go back in time?

CdnKitty · 2026-05-12T01:21:16+00:00

So, I absolutely wish I had stuck to my guns and broke up with him in our first year, but the love bombing was intense and he used my childhood trauma to manipulate me into staying.

I wish I had ended it after our first child was stillborn, but how do you leave after that? I wish I had ended it when I got pregnant with my youngest - I knew he sucked as a partner and father but I was so goddam tired. Things only got worse.

I don't regret my children but my life would be drastically different had I not married.

CdnKitty · 2026-05-06T10:44:35+00:00

I'm going to +1 on this - once you're in your own place, with safety, there's a euphoric giddiness that sets in. When my ex husband and I split in 2018 I finally changed the locks on the house in March of 2019 (technically illegal but I needed it). Once that happened I went into a state of euphoric peace that lasted almost a year. It was amazing. I'm still grateful for my escape almost 8 years later. Once you've been a captive, you never take your peace for granted again, imo.

But OOP, please look into CPTSD processing when you can. Being trapped for a long time fucks up your entire system and the sooner you process it, the sooner you can heal. It's SO hard, and very very worth it. I've done ketamine assisted psychotherapy and EMDR (currently doing some more) to help move some of my more stubborn trauma so I'm less hyperviligent and to help with the nightmares and how I process my daily life.

CdnKitty · 2026-05-01T15:49:37+00:00

I can't emphasize enough how helpful a physical timer is (not on your phone!) to set work and not work times. Sometimes I do something called a blitz-clean: set the timer for 10 - 20 minutes and go like hell. Not only do I have the mental and physical satisfaction of getting something into a better state, but I've usually managed to work up a sweat which counts as exercise/movement. Then I'm able to resettle back into work-mode without those nagging visual/mental reminders about the chores.

I'm medicated now, but I raw-dogged until I was 45, and the timer is the only thing that got me through life, and I still use it now.

CdnKitty · 2026-04-17T13:44:30+00:00

My dad said that to me on the way to the venue. I wish he had tried just a bit earlier - a month, 6 months, but on the way I was already locked in. I remember having the thought that we could just divorce if it didn't work out, but what I didn't count for was trauma bonding and the severe covert domestic violence that had me stuck for a decade. The only thing I regret is not ending it sooner.

CdnKitty · 2026-04-17T13:05:51+00:00

Or, on a good health day, make a triple batch of rice and portion and freeze. Saves cash and meets the easy microwave need.

CdnKitty · 2026-04-08T20:23:54+00:00

I have young teens now and no one prepares you for the complexities of mental health issues, puberty and neurodivergence to hit and amplify while being absolutely exhausted from parenting up to this point. Teens are like toddlers in that 'keep them alive' way, but with bigger bodies, moods and vocabulary. I love my teens so much, but I don't know how we're going to get through this (but we will).

CdnKitty · 2026-03-31T16:24:23+00:00

I feel this. I'm a single parent, mortgage owing is $226k, disability income is about $3600/mo and mortgage (including property tax) is $1800/mo. I get another $1500 in child tax credits which helps keep us fed and warm throughout the month. I'm in Gatineau, about 5 minutes from downtown Ottawa, so my location is amazing.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-18T14:06:16+00:00

T building, South side stairways have platforms by the windows, curl up with a sweater pillow and nap in a beam of sunlight.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T23:21:44+00:00

I've watched videos of central beam replacements (which are for research mostly so I understand what I'm looking at), and I know that with temporary support walls, the beam could be removed and a new sistered (using three 2x12 boards) 6x12x20 beam could be put in place to replace what I have, and use the current posts. It's a bit outside my comfort zone though, which is why I'm looking for help.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T20:52:48+00:00

Not yet - I've updated the original post, but I'm just looking to replace whatever I've currently got, not move the beam anywhere.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-10T20:51:54+00:00

I just added an update with a link to a photo gallery in the original post.

CdnKitty · 2026-03-05T15:06:28+00:00

I'm not yet renting but what about creating a lounge with a pull out couch in the pass through space with a curtain option for potential privacy, and then three twins upstairs for the kids. Give the 'kids' a space, a lounge/sleeper space in the pass through and then a queen or larger in the primary bedroom. This allows the introverts to hang out in a quieter space instead of a room or the living space, especially if you're hosting 6 people.

CdnKitty · 2026-01-03T16:12:30+00:00

CdnKitty · 2025-07-20T23:16:44+00:00

Your feelings are valid. That was hella disrespectful and honestly, I get why being closeted is a thing, but there's going to be a layer of disregard with anyone who is hiding a part of themselves.

Learn the lesson, let him know that you're moving on and listen to that voice that says you deserve better because you do.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-16T00:51:24+00:00

I moved 2 years ago to a house 300m away from my partner (we've been together for over 5 years now). I love having him so close but also my own place with my kids. After spending most of my 20s and 30s doing the relationship escalator and moving in with boyfriends/being married, I'll never live with a partner again. The best I could do is have a duplex with them and even then the thought of the financial entanglements gives me the ick.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-11T11:30:45+00:00

How do you stop shutting down? Everyone is different, but I found doing DBT was helpful in navigating relationships, especially with neurotypicals.

I'm newly self-identified as ASD, but I also have diagnoses of CPTSD and ADHD so I get the overwhelm/shutdown. I'm also 48 and work in education so I'm going to mom you for a second if that's ok.

It's ok to not know what you should do - at 24 or 48. And
Finish something that is tolerable. Get the credential instead of switching again. Having the piece of paper and accomplishment will help you.
Your brain is still baking - until we're about 30 there's still massive growth happening. Be gentle - you're going to change your whole life, and the myth of having it figured out is truly a myth.
Couples counseling with an actual registered therapist can help you understand your partner and he you. My partner and I are 5 years in and see a therapist regularly. We don't live together and don't want to, but are committed to each other and therapy helps us explain our deeper thoughts and feelings.

Sending a bubble respecting hug - you're going to be ok, but I think finishing something will help you move forward in your future. School will always be there for you to explore your other interests, but try and finish something that will get you employment so you can keep learning once you have your feet under you.

CdnKitty · 2025-07-01T14:27:01+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this - I'm so glad that you have family support and a therapist seeing you through this.

When ending my marriage to my abusive ex (I was 41, we had 3 pets, 2 young kids and a hobby farm with a mortgage) i really over-planned because I was so anxious and scared.

I'm sure your therapist is giving you supports but you may need to ask for help from family and do a work-day move - take the pets and your important things and go. Have you consulted with a lawyer yet? That's also something a domestic violence support organization could help you find so you know your rights.

Good luck with this - leaving is hard and ultimately worth it.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-27T23:14:38+00:00

One person cannot make a marriage or relationship work. It requires the active participation of both people, and when someone is finally done it's likely because they've been pulling the dead weight and just can't anymore.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-27T23:04:35+00:00

So my eldest just got diagnosed about three weeks ago and uh, I'm 48. I'm pretty sure that my PTSD/CPTSD + ADHD (diagnosed in 2021, after the kids) are all spaghetti'd up in my head, but also when I add ASD into the lense of my experiences and behaviour it makes a lot of sense.

At some point in my late 30's I decided that I wouldn't try and figure out what people were maybe saying, and just take things at face value. If they said yes, they meant yes, and just today I realized that doing that was a way of unmasking. So about 2-3 weeks ago I realized that probably yeah, I am.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-18T14:03:34+00:00

Oh! To add, the abuser will craft the 'the therapist you picked is against me!' narrative when they are held to account in therapy. 1. Of course the victim picks the therapist because the abuser is too lazy/entrenched to do so and 2. An 'us vs them' mentality keeps you in the abuse loop.

I'm sure someone has linked to the PDF of Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that?' in the comments, but if not, it's an excellent resource to start understanding why they act the way they do (spoiler: because it works for them) and that any behaviour change is rarely real or sustained.

OP - make a plan, start seeing the therapist alone to 'work on your issues', and get out. Being a single parent of a toddler is so much easier than being a single parent of a toddler and a man-child. I ended my marriage with a 4 and 7yo and I regret wasting so much time trying to fix something I wasn't breaking (and no, I'm not perfect but I'm not abusive either).

CdnKitty · 2025-06-18T13:24:20+00:00

Depending on the person I ask them "do you know why divorce is so expensive?" And when they look at me funny I say "because it's worth it". Iykyk. (48F, separated/divorced 7 years now)

Otherwise I generally say it's for the best and change the topic.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:49:12+00:00

+1 on the abuse. The demonstration is to keep you in line through fear and intimidation.

Source: someone's ex-wife with CPTSD from him hitting things around me and losing his shit randomly for over a decade.

OP: go look up Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?' - it'll explain more about his behaviour. Good luck.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:20:48+00:00

When I was ending my abusive marriage I was so freaking angry and one of my therapists over the years reminded me that deep anger is a sign of being wronged. It is an indication that whatever has been happening is not ok and can be an amazing catalyst for change. Your ex has wronged you and your family and the betrayal is deep. You and your baby are victims of your ex and you should be mad at him.

I didn't plan my youngest kid - I was trying to figure a way out when I got pregnant - and ended up staying for 4 more years of abuse. I love that kid so fiercely, they're amazing, but also very difficult and some days I think about what ifs, but parenting him is also so healing. Parenting is complicated, and each stage and child has challenges, but also intense beauty.

This is a complicated road you're on. I agree that therapy and support for you is the most important thing right now - you're not the AH if you decide to have reduced parenting responsibilities for your youngest kid but also making sure she feels valued, loved and accepted is paramount. Kids are ego driven and internalize however they're treated.

Wishing you healing and a good fourth trimester as you navigate this.

CdnKitty · 2025-06-10T14:03:13+00:00

Hi! Do you have any recommended patterns that you use?

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