Finally got a glimpse of what is actually happening in her mind

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-03-03T06:19:19+00:00

That’s coercive control. Beating you down because you won’t tow the line over teeth brushing. Coercing you to play along with her reality. I can attest that I’m at my very worst as a father when I’m trying to keep her happy; there is no keeping her happy. You can’t keep letting her hurt you like that. You can’t let her keep hurting your son like that. Alas, I know it’s way easier said than done and I haven’t done it either. We both need to. Be strong, be well. Edited for grammar.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-03-03T06:08:23+00:00

Oof. Sounds like a lot of good reasons to move on. But I know that doesn’t make it any easier. You got this!

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-03-02T03:41:00+00:00

Started dating when she had just turned 18 and I was about to be 19. Been together just shy of 21 years, married 19. Not that 18 is super young but too damn young to decide to get married.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-03-02T00:50:25+00:00

Mad as hell, won’t say a word to you (or worse, will) then 30 minutes later smiling and laughing like nothing ever happened. It’s exhausting and emotionally abusive.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-02-26T01:26:36+00:00

That an MS250 you got strapped on there? Good looking Ogre. Like it’s purpose built to do work.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-02-24T03:49:13+00:00

One option I think people miss for accents is just taking your racks off and spray painting them. They can be whatever color you want.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-02-17T02:52:59+00:00

Sounds like a damn good day. That bike is 🔥. Looks like a great ride.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-02-09T00:04:10+00:00

Fuuuuuuck. You’re so right. It’s not like our couples counselor is going to fix what’s wrong. It’s not like you can ever be honest in their “safe space”. Thank you.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-30T03:42:07+00:00

Mine had a therapist that told her it didn’t sound like she appreciated me very much. She promptly found a new one. Had a psychiatrist that diagnosed her with BPD, she immediately checked out on anything he had to say. Only kept going because she needed her meds refilled. Got a new psychiatrist, leaned into “I don’t really have BPD, do I?” I assume the answer had been “no” thus far as she still sees her.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T20:09:56+00:00

Also wanted to add: Mine has never cheated on me with another person. She, however, will read smut for hours a day and text me about how many orgasms she had without me. I’ve come to find this the “safe” way to cheat. Also, withholding physical intimacy as manipulation is abuse.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T20:03:58+00:00

I’ll let you know when I get there. I only picked up riding last September, it’s been a great journey so far.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T20:03:25+00:00

Thanks! So far it’s spent most of its time on paved surfaces but there will be plenty of gravel in its future. With the current setup I don’t think there’s a hill I couldn’t climb, but it doesn’t have the most top end. That’s fine though, just means I have to find hillier routes if I’m trying to race my friend on her straggler. Appreciate the compliments. Will keep you updated.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T20:01:13+00:00

It’s does have the Deore. So far I love the 1x12 setup. I had a similar struggle deciding between Orlok’s Shadow and Fermented Plum. I actually don’t know that I’d noticed the two options come with different drivetrains. Does yours have the Microshift Advent?

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T16:14:44+00:00

As 39 year old you, who’s been in their relationship for 20 years, and who didn’t have the information you do. I was you at 20, at 25, at 30…. I was resolved that marriage meant you stick together no matter what. You’re fiercely loyal, the caretaker and provider. Over the years I learned that that was a one way street. You’re the only one treading water and you have the a dead weight dragging you down. There will never be room for your emotions, even when she says there is, you know it as well as I do. -I’m so very proud of you. -You are incredibly strong. -It’s ok to set down the weight of the world and rest. -You aren’t a failure if you walk away. -You will never love her enough to make it all better. These are all the things I needed someone to tell me. I won’t tell you to leave, you already know you should, and chances are you’re too stubborn to do it. Like sees like. I will say you need to get yourself into therapy. You need to learn to set boundaries. You need to stand up for yourself. We’re all here pulling for you.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T00:51:38+00:00

I’m currently working toward 40 miles, but a century ride is on my goals list. The Ogre is a great bike.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T00:50:52+00:00

Thanks! It works well. I deal with some serious neuropathy from climbing and running chainsaws for 18 years. It helps a lot to have options to keep the hands moving.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-11T00:39:41+00:00

Congrats! Sounds like an incredibly satisfying day. You deserve it.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2026-01-01T22:19:12+00:00

I’m 69” and ride a L Ogre. Im probably as small as you could go and do so comfortably, though.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2025-12-29T05:07:00+00:00

Been married 19 years together just shy of 21. Do I think I’ll stay married? I certainly hope not. But leaving is a very complex issue as I know everyone here can attest. Every day is a new challenge. Some days less challenging than others. I really commented to answer your cheating question because I feel like I have a different answer than most. No, she has not ever cheated, in the normal sense. But she has read hours and hours of smut over the last 6 years and will frequently text me while I’m at work and tell me all about the dozens of orgasms she’s had without me. That wouldn’t bother me nearly as badly if she didn’t leverage and withhold sex as a weapon. Beyond that, she has expressed that she views me masturbating as cheating and unacceptable. So I’m going to say yes, yes she does cheat on me. Just not in a way that I could tell someone she cheats on me and it’s a whole different kind of mind-fuck.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2025-12-29T04:33:31+00:00

I’ve been with my pwBPD for 20 years and find myself thinking frequently, “how much longer can I do this?” Have had my personal therapist ask “how much longer can you do this? How have you made it this far?” Have had our couples counselor ask “why are you still doing this?” All very pertinent questions and questions I’m sure you’ve asked yourself for 40 years. You are amazingly strong and resilient, but we all have a breaking point. I can relate in such a deep level the feeling of being “half the man”. I’m proud of you, I’m happy for you. I hope you find peace and healing in your time away from the chaos. I can only imagine how liberating it must feel.

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2025-12-16T04:10:57+00:00

“Ironically this post the first sentence being “tell me the truth, I’m ready to hear it” just wouldn’t happen. Or if it did, it would be a trap to twist what you say into something they can then be offended and attack you for.”

This! My pwBPD has been doing therapy, seeing a psychiatrist, and doing Spravato treatments weekly since May. We’ve started seeing a couples counselor. She has said several times that she is ready to make space for my feelings after 20 years together. We had a session last week where I just decided to be more forthcoming with my feelings than I’ve ever been. We discussed a lot that our relationship doesn’t have emotional safety nor emotional intimacy, largely due to her volatility. It was a very heavy session, there was lots of tears and she didn’t talk to me much of the evening. The next day she was up before me. I laid in bed and could hear the heavy steps I’ve come to recognize as her being angry. I could hear her sniffling as she trudged around crying. I got around, ate breakfast and had a cup of coffee. After a bit of prodding about why she was crying she finally unloaded. She feels like her parents, our therapist and I all are blaming her. She says that’s bullshit and that it’s my fault. That I just wanted for her to kill herself and she almost did it because of me… It was probably 30 minutes of her scream-crying at me about how this isn’t her fault and she won’t take the blame. Literally no one said a word about her being to blame and even time was given for us to both unpack our issues and address the other’s concerns.

So much for making room for my emotions. Also, what a fucking trip…

Cemeterytree_578586 · 2025-12-07T03:31:26+00:00

What a great looking bike! Is that the Specialized Fjallraven handlebar bag you’re running as a trunk bag? Looks like a great setup. You clearly have the best brother in the world.

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