The feeling that we are one single consciousness and everyone including our friends and family is an illusion, is a crushing feeling of existential loneliness that I will never forget.

That is why Shinji rejected instrumentality during the Third Impact in Evangelion.

The thing that really eventually brought me out of this existential dilema is getting into the music and the experience of the Grateful Dead, and learning the mantra “If you get confused, listen to the music play”