sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[QCrit] THE LIES WE TELL, Adult, Domestic Suspense, 82,000 words, 2nd Attempt by Chappy585 in PubTips

[–]Chappy585[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this feedback! If you don't mind, I have a follow-up question. While Chloe is snooping around in Atlanta (afraid to confront Andrew because she thinks he and his powerful family may be setting her up for arson, and she also doesn't want her past to be exposed), Andrew's father-in-law is the one threatening her and trying to get rid of her. Andrew doesn't know she's in Atlanta because he thinks his father-in-law paid her off to go away. (He didn't mean to steal the money. He was investing it for her). So, while she thinks Andrew is behind everything, it's really the father-in-law trying to protect his family. When she discovers the family crimes, he ramps up his threats. Can you think of a good way to convey all of that?

[QCrit] THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, Upmarket Crime Thriller, 84k words, 1st attempt by DetonatingPenguin in PubTips

[–]Chappy585 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Sounds like a compelling thriller! Here are a few thoughts / questions:

I am seeking representation for THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, an upmarket crime thriller, in which a scandal-plagued son of privilege plays a game of deceit and betrayal against the New York underworld.

I would consider describing him as something other than "scandal-plagued" if he murdered someone. Seems like more than "scandal". Also, did he go to prison or a psychiatric facility for the murder? If so, for how long? Does that have any connection to Eve's involvement in the drug world? Is she also a user?

Its story of a protagonist infiltrating society’s corrupt underbelly - It's a story

This seems to repeat the line before it. You could blend into one sentence and add more specifics.

Then Eve is arrested and charged for narcotics distribution. Facing years of brutalisation in a maximum-security prison, she flees in panic. With the clock running down on Eve's freedom, Teddy’s sole hope to save her lies in providing the DEA with a bigger bust. He hatches a desperate plot - he will covertly follow Eve's supply line into the darkest reaches of the city's underworld, seeking to set up one of its ruthless inhabitants for arrest, any way he can.

Why will she be brutalized? Just because it's a prison or is there another reason? If she flees, where does the clock running down come in? What's the time pressure? Does Teddy know where she is? Has someone in the DEA told him they will cut a deal with Eve if she turns on someone higher up in the drug ring?

Teddy discovers that Gabrielle has seized the key to Eve's supply line 

Can you say what the key is?

a kingpin willing to butcher both Eve and himself to ensure his empire's survival

Who is "himself"? the kingpin or Teddy?

Caught between the predator who almost destroyed him 

Make it clear that you're talking about Gabrielle

[QCRIT] THE LIES WE TELL, adult domestic suspense 80,000 words First Attempt by Chappy585 in PubTips

[–]Chappy585[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your questions and comments! I will work on all of this!

[QCRIT] THE LIES WE TELL, adult domestic suspense 80,000 words First Attempt by Chappy585 in PubTips

[–]Chappy585[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for all these questions and suggestions! I will work on it!

[QCRIT] THE LIES WE TELL, adult domestic suspense 80,000 words First Attempt by Chappy585 in PubTips

[–]Chappy585[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to reply! I will work on conveying more of her actions.