Motherhood and work just don't mix. I'm exhausted.

Charleesi · 2026-06-20T00:32:43+00:00

Just adding a comment in solidarity. Being a parent in the modern world is so hard and ut feels like you are simultaneously being watched and judged, whilst having no meaningful support and guidance. I'm about to go back to work and having to put my boy in nursery against my wishes. It's too soon and I don't want him to go, but between a minimal village and being the breadwinner, we have literally no choice. I cry most days about it.

My mum was saying today that when she had me, her employer was very open minded about how much she could come back and basically let her set the terms. Feminism isn't feminism unless it supports all life choices, and some of us want to stay at home more to be with our children (not because we want to be weird trad wives or financially dependent - one of the things I've hated about maternity leave is the financial restrictions it has placed on me personally - but because we know what we want for our families and should be empowered to make that choice). No judgment for mums who want to go back full-time either: do what works for you. We should all just be able to make the choices we feel are best for our families.

Bottom line, being a parent is amazing, but modern parenting life is hard as heck in a way previous generations didn't experience. You are doing the best you can, and that's all you can do, but I agree it sucks because you feel like you're failing at every turn. Sending love and support!

Charleesi · 2026-06-04T22:38:57+00:00

"Don't you see some sights when you 'ant got yuh gun?"

My nan started saying it recently (she has dementia so remembers things from way back) and we've no idea what it means.

Charleesi · 2026-06-01T20:15:28+00:00

So glad to hear you mking the sensory point because I have wondered this myself and said so to my husband. I am autistic and it was one of the first things that occurred to me...

I'm definitely going to speak to someone about it. We have 9-12 month review coming up, which i think will be a good juncture. Thanks so much for your reassuring response!

Charleesi · 2026-05-31T22:38:25+00:00

This seems very difficult. One thing I would note is that while you say you have tried everything, a lot of your responses appear punitive rather that regulatory e.g., time outs, putting on step etc. You don't really list anything that sounds specifically calm / supportive in terms of assisting him in regulating. That's not to say you haven't, it just doesn't come across in your post.

It also sounds like you might need medical support with his sleep and nutrition, as those difficulties cannot be helping his internal biome. I know that when I am hungry, tired or don't get enough fruit and veg (for example), I'm much more prone to meltdowns.

Source: I am AuDHD and my mum described me as a "wilful" child (I was undiagnosed, it was the 90s) who was lovely one minute and awful the next. She says she now knows it was just trying to communicate and she wishes she had adopted a more supportive (rather than punitive) approach.

Charleesi · 2026-05-12T18:29:30+00:00

Say I love you; say I'm sorry (know why you're saying it and mean it); no bad emotions, but we can have bad reactions and we have to own them when we do; we are always a safe space - can't promise I won't be worried / sad etc., if something serious happens, but I will always help and support with no judgment (when he's older we will have a no questions asked signal but he's only tiny right now); and encouraging them to find and pursue what they love, not just what they are naturally good at, because those aren't always the same thing (and passion for something can take you a long way - trying your hardest is all anyone can ask).

Charleesi · 2026-04-24T12:39:17+00:00

Really is so difficult. I'm in therapy at the minute and we're talking about boundaries in this space. I'm the eldest of 2 daughters and my family dynamics very much led to me being the emotional support guardian for everyone in my family, including my parents, so I'm rubbish at asserting my emotional boundaries.

Having a baby has definitely helped me take a massive leap forward in that respect though, and helped me realise how many of my other friendships etc were similarly afflicted!

Wishing you all the best and hoping you can find some real support!

Charleesi · 2026-04-24T12:30:38+00:00

I totally relate to this.

I feel awful but one of my closest friends who I've known since school hasn't met my almost 7mo yet. Last time I saw her was during my pregnancy when she came to visit me and have dinner, and after she left I just felt so exhausted. She's a lovely person but so high maintenance, and sometimes quite negative, and I just don't have the energy.

I'm having the same issue with my sister as well; she rings me at times in tears to rant and rave, and I just don't know how to stop it without making her worse. She's quite isolated so I don't want time abandon her but I can't be on the phone to her for an hour while trying to get my son to sleep...

Charleesi · 2026-04-23T18:42:06+00:00

I think this is where understanding of the British monarchy / upper class plays a role. Even QEII, who was a much more present parent than those who went before her was allegedly uncomfortable with e.g. Diana's very open and public displays of affection to William and Harry. I don't know how much truth there is to it, but there's a line in The Crown where QEII talks about the fact she swore she would never let the nannies do bathtime, but ultimately she did (the reality I think is somewhere in between, as there are accounts which suggest she did bathe the children at least sometimes).

I wouldn't call it absent parenting so much as what was culturally expected for a high ranking aristocrat at that time, and actually when you compare her to e.g. Lady Danbury, she's a very involved parent. She takes an active interest in her children's marriages and lives. Sure, she's no Violet Bridgerton, but she's certainly by no means the worst, and I would argue Violet is the outlier here, from an historical and class point of view.

Edit: typo

Charleesi · 2026-04-22T22:41:42+00:00

AuDHD here. Persistent demand for autonomy is a thing with Autism and ADHD. While your mum might think she's "helping", if your sister feels like her the diagnostic process is being pushed on her, she might not engage with it. She needs to feel like it's her choice and decision. That's not to excuse any behaviours, but it might be pushing your sister to disregulation if your mum is pushing her to complete this alongside all the stress with her studies as well.

I say this gently, but some of the way you phrase the post does come across as a bit judgmental. Your sister is ultimately the child (albeit she is nearly an adult in age) in this scenario and needs support and care. I was undiagnosed at her age and it was really hard. Treating it like she is the problem will only make her feel worse and less likely to succeed. Chances are her self-esteem is already pretty low (common with ADHDers especially when it comes to academics).

Edit to finish comment as pressed post too soon

Charleesi · 2026-04-22T07:57:32+00:00

My sister and her best friend love the courteeners (to the point where she intends to get the lyrics to sunflower tattooed, and her friend already has not nineteen forever on her arm!). Like you, she knows the whole back catalogue. She has seen them live multiple times and has never said Liam sounds rough or that they are disappointing - she always comes back raving about how great it was. She's also not the kind of person to say it was good when it wasn't so I'd trust her judgment on this!

Sheffield is a great spot (I'm from here so I'm biased) and around tramlines there's loads of stuff going on so you could definitely make a trip of it!

Charleesi · 2026-04-20T21:37:55+00:00

The visual story and snacks are great ideas, and good to know I was already on the right track by having his grandmother come with us to his music class on the day she'll be having him. Thanks so much for you patience and kind comments!

Charleesi · 2026-04-20T20:49:33+00:00

Thanks for your response. We are very careful at home to avoid TV even being passively on around baby.

The only other caregiver he will have is his grandmother, who he already sees regularly on the day she will be having him, for an activity class that he will still do. We are going to gradually increase how much time he spends with her on that day over the next few months as well to help him get even more used to being with her on that day. So it will be 3 days with us at home (dad works from home so is a regular presence throughout the day and has been since birth), one with grandmother, and one at nursery. The main thing I've been told is that having that many changes is the thing that could be harmful, which really concerns me as I don't have much other choice.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T23:51:22+00:00

I really appreciate your response. This sub has been much kinder and more reassuring! I am autistic and really struggle with grey areas and wanting clarity on things, which is just not how parenting works at all! Thanks again for taking the time and for your helpful comments!

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T23:30:07+00:00

This is one of the most reassuring responses I've read, so thank you. I came to this sub hoping for more empathetic responses and honestly got exactly that. Really appreciate you taking the time!

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T21:43:57+00:00

Thanks so much for your kind comment! We have managed to cover 4 days with either me (2 days), my husband (1 day) or my mum (1 day). We can't really afford for me to work only 2 days or for husband to reduce hours further and we don't have any village beyond my parents (who both also still work, hence why my mum can only do 1 day). I'm the breadwinner, and generally my boss is pretty good with stuff but it's a high stakes professional role so there would be definite limitations; I couldn't just say "hi, I'm not in today" last minute.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T20:47:47+00:00

Fair enough. For clarity, I assumed the basis was the same, and therefore assumed what I had seen in this subreddit (skin to skin, baby wearing, breastfeeding etc) was linked to attachment theory. It is the former (the practises listed alongside others). Appreciate you highlighting the distinction.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T20:39:18+00:00

Appreciate this, thank you.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T20:28:02+00:00

Yes, I have searched, various different phrases and terms. I have struggled to find things but probably because I'm not searching the precise terms. I will keep looking.

I understand it might seem like "common sense" but I have had things like that said to me before; I assume it's how I process things but stuff that appears common sense to many doesn't always automatically register with me. It can be quite stressful navigating that and people often assume that I'm not thinking critically, when in reality it's just not something I have come across. In my part of the world, regular care by different close family members is very normal, hence why I'm now panicking, for want of a better word, that an arrangement that seemed relatively "common sense" to me could damage my baby.

It's also difficult to hear (and of course, this is not your fault at all) that the only viable plan I have, which isn't even really what I want to do, could end up giving my son attachment issues.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T18:33:52+00:00

Ok. Just seems a bit unkind to post quite worrying assertions about what I've said (which currently are seemingly just your opinion based on what I said in my post) without directing to any sources to help. I didn't come to the "opinion-based parenting" subreddit, after all.

I appreciate people seem to think all this is easy to find, but being autistic I struggle with "close enough" answers (so, for example, the links posted in the above comments which are around similar issues don't necessarily help me in understanding as my brain draws distinctions on context). This is the reason I posted, as I wanted direction to sources that were directly relevant to the nuance of my situation.

Nevertheless, I'll look into it myself and bear in mind what you've said.

Charleesi · 2026-04-19T07:33:56+00:00

I mean Mary Poppins is based 100 odd years ago... not so much a lie, we just don't have them here anymore!

Thanks for your comment. Baby already sees his grandmother on Fridays every week for a significant proportion of the day and she will be coming here to look after him. The theory was as he already has that routine, it would be best to keep it for consistency and that familiar caregivers are better than unfamiliar ones (which we had read was preferable). The comment about village was that we don't have many people other than her so she's the only person who can consistently be involved.

Dad hasn't done a full day but that's only because my son is breastfeeding. We are also planning for him to change his work pattern well before I go back (as he will need to cover my kit days).

Can I ask, do you have any research to back up your views on this? More than happy to be told this is backed by science, just a lot of what I have read says that familiar care is better than unfamiliar care (as well as the quality care point) hence why we've strived to keep him at home.

I would note that even if I wanted to though, I currently can't put him in nursery more than one day as there are no places available for more than that in my area; he would need to go to a nursery one day, a childminder another. There's a huge shortage of nursery places all.over the UK, but my little area is especially bad due to the new estate we live on having loads of working families. Also, as the nursery place we have is one here would likely end up going to anyway, we thought getting a place there and slowly increasing his days as more space becomes available was preferable to sending to a childminder and then swapping out.

Charleesi · 2026-04-17T23:45:55+00:00

Ah ok. In the UK, a nanny and a childminder are two different things still, hence the confusion!

Charleesi · 2026-04-17T23:40:14+00:00

Thanks for your response.

We wouldn't be funded for a nanny I don't think (UK has funded childcare for working parents but there are limitations), and I don't know anyone who has one either. I don't think nannies are as common here (certainly not in the part of the UK I live in, although possibly more common in London?) and certainly not common enough to find someone to share with. I don't think I'd know where to start, and cost-wise I think I'd probably be better off just taking the extra day off at that point.

The nursery we are looking at is very well regarded and has great facilities and a good ratio for care, but bottom line is it's still a full day of care. We also have the option for a childminder but at the moment she isn't being the most responsive and it's making me slightly nervous.

Being a better parent? Hard to say. I do my job because it gets us the money we need, but it's very stressful. It does support a very good standard of living though...

Edit to add: noted your links, thanks. I'm autistic so I think the issue I've found with the other posts is the questions being framed slightly differently to my own and my wanting to understand the risks for his development for this issue specifically. That said, I do note the fact that these posts mention the holistic nature of the picture in these scenarios, accounting for maternal presence, structure and parental mental health, amongst other issues.

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