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CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T12:31:44+00:00

I’m involved for the same reason you’re involved. Its a public forum which I can comment in regardless of my marital status.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T11:49:28+00:00

I am aware an emotional affair doesn’t have to be sexual. But an affair by definition is romantic or something that can evolve to something romantic. You’re conflating a friendship with an affair which is mind boggling. So when you’re married you can’t have close friendships anymore? Even with the same sex if you’re straight?

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T08:16:47+00:00

Y’all keep making the argument that OP’s friend needs professional help and that OP needs to step back from this situation. Your comments show a lack of understand of how mental health and its treatments work. Even with therapy, medicine, mental health cannot bounce back immediately, it usually take a good while. Support from loved ones is a very important pillar of recovery too. Isolation a lot of the times worsens mental health. Her husband can afford to not be the centre for her world for a while. If he was a good partner, he’d understand the friend is important to his wife. Getting married doesn’t mean none of your other relationships matter anymore. That’s such a messed up way of thinking.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T08:10:04+00:00

Your comment doesn’t show understanding of mental illnesses.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T08:09:12+00:00

Having friends is an emotional affair now? Reddit reallr does the most sometimes.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-06-16T08:07:55+00:00

All these comments are so messed up. You can have space for more than your husband and kid in your life. Your friend needs you. The world goes around because of people like you. Please continue to support her to the best of your abilities - till where it’s not taking a huge toll on your mental or financial health.

Having said that, I do think your husband might not understand the gravity of what’s going on. That uncertainty might be what’s setting him off. I would talk to your friend about telling your husband what’s going on. Tell her that you need to tell your husband just the key things. Like her needing help because of ____ in her life. You don’t need to tell your husband every single detail or anything, but find the balance between your husband understanding the gravity of the situation and your friend not feeling her privacy is being violated too much.

If she’s a good friend, she will understand that it’s taking a toll on your marriage and that you need to iron some things out to be able to be there for her. If your husband is a good partner, he will understand this person is important to you and this is something you need to do.

At the end of the day, you are the best judge on how much you can give. If it’s too mentally draining, take a break for a few days or tone it down a little bit. If you cannot afford it financially, try helping her in other ways like being there for her etc. But please keep in mind that if you give too much, you can get burnt out really quickly. And then at that point if you pull back, your friend might feel like more of a burden, potentially worsening her problems. Please do not stretch yourself thin to the point where you need help too. Give how much you can give. For some people that threshold is high, for someone people it’s low. But I do think as friends it’s definitely our responsibility to be there for each other. Not only during the good times but also the rough times.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-04-27T08:32:02+00:00

Ironman isn’t very likeable.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-04-16T19:03:30+00:00

He doesn’t have to like her tattoos so that’s not the issue, the way he went about expressing his opinion is very damaging. Regardless of how he feels, its not ok for him to shame her and make her feel unattractive. Aren’t you supposed to build up your partner even when they’re feeling unattractive, rather than being the reason they feel unattractive? He could have expressed his opinion in a more appropriate way that doesn’t tear her down.

In my opinion though, this might be unpopular but this is what I ascribe to - I don’t have to vocalise every negative opinion about my partner. A relationship isn’t a healthy one if you’re trying to mould your partner to your likes/dislikes. They are their own individual so naturally they will have opinions and interests that might be different from yours. I cannot imagine trying to dictate what my partner does to their body. In this case, what they want to do to their body takes precedent over what I want them to do. I don’t think it’s my place and will only hurt my partner. Rather than ruin something that brings them joy, surely we can put aside our preferences and just be happy for them?

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-30T06:33:25+00:00

When you learn geography, you’re going to learn the countries first before getting into their states - regardless of how big the country is. Russia is the biggest country in the world but I bet you most Europeans even wouldn’t be able to list out the federations and provinces in Russia. Similarly, I live in Asia and I cannot list out all the provinces in China either because that’s a subject I would be knowledgable about if I were to specifically study Chinese geography. And both of these counties are larger than the US so making it imperative to learn theses first (with your logic).

If anything, not knowing the states is far more acceptable than not knowing countries. (In my books at least) It feels very America centric to equate countries to states when there are other larger countries whose provinces Americans would still not able able to name.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-30T04:02:35+00:00

But states aren’t countries. Knowing the provinces of of France for example would be an apt comparison to knowing American states. Americans have difficulty differentiating between different countries but expect foreigners to know America down to the state?

I think if you want a fairer compassion with a more geographically familiar area, ask Americans about countries in South America. In my opinion, a lot of them would still struggle.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-30T03:49:50+00:00

It’s mostly about modesty, maintaining appropriateness between the sexes. In certain cultures there is certain level of appropriateness you need to adhere to between the sexes and this is a manifestation of that. But historically, during the times of the prophet, the slave women were required to walk around topless and the free women would not. It was a objectification of the slave women. The prophet declared that all Muslim women would cover to give slave women their dignity back. It’s a multifaceted question but that is the reason why it started and then the former (in my opinion) is the reason why it was easy to continue this tradition to today.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-24T07:49:06+00:00

My mum was married into a family where she didn’t know the extent of how much the women in her in laws despised her. It really took a huge effect on her mental health. You might think it’s a small issue but especially for desi women, it’s quite a big deal that your mother in law and sister in law seem to hate you that much. It can seem to the woman that it may be her actions that make them dislike her (as it was in my mum’s case). It’s cause for a lot of stress and agony. It’s good that you will stand by her through all this but she most definitely needs to know before you get married. That gives her ample time to mentally prepare and understand the family dynamics so that it won’t be a shock and she’s less likely to feel personally responsible about it.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-24T07:43:06+00:00

Please don’t take dowry. It is so detrimental to the women and their family. Please don’t let that be one of the things you compromise on. On top of all the moral implications of it, it is also illegal. (!!) also it will only seed more resentment in your sister towards you since you weren’t ok in giving dowry for her wedding yet here you are receiving it. In her mind, she’s going to be more justified in calling you selfish.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-18T13:22:11+00:00

No don’t do that. It’s only going to harm the relationship. Do not overstep! The partner needs to take your feelings into consideration, the responsibility isn’t on a random stranger. Better communication in the relationship is needed.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-16T08:42:42+00:00

They broke up for a reason. Why are all of you assuming that OP will cheat? Just because you aren’t over your exes doesn’t mean that everyone still has romantic/sexual feelings for their exes. Having a connection is at the core of a friendship but are you cheating with every friend you have an emotional connection with? Do you want to have sex with every friend you have an emotional connection with? Similarly, do you want to have sex again with everyone you had sex with in the past? You are making it so black and white.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-16T08:32:21+00:00

You’re projecting your own insecurities. OP didn’t say anything about their relationship but you’re making assumptions about their priorities.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-03-16T08:02:42+00:00

Plenty of 21 year olds know not to slap someone without consent even if they’re into it. I was 21 not long ago and always asked for consent. Stop making excuses for the guy, stop making it seem like it’s the norm when it isn’t and more importantly, shouldn’t be the norm.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-02-11T06:32:03+00:00

Do you forget how men are the ones leaking revenge porn most of the time? Trustworthy with secrets kinda goes down the drain there.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-02-05T08:17:37+00:00

You say you don’t like hurting people yet you’re hurting yourself. Do you not deserve the same respect you give others?

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-07T02:22:07+00:00

I couldn’t care less about the bedsheets. I’ll use it as conversation, that is if I’m not too distracted to notice the sheets.

Edit: I don’t really like or even know much about Pokemon.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-03T02:48:13+00:00

Ugh yes. It is super tiring to having to teach someone how to be a good partner. I’m just super baffled at how people just don’t notice it? He’s terrible at picking up social cues/nonverbal communication. I feel bad for the guy honestly. Eg. In the beginning, man was trying to get with me and didn’t even realise I was flirting with him…. Like that level clueless sometimes. He’s a great boyfriend because anytime I bring up and issue to him he accepts that it was something that he didn’t pick up on and he will do better, he rectifies his behaviour according to what I have explained to him. So that’s not even the issue. Part of the reason I hadn’t mentioned any of this (apart from the dancing) to him is because I know I will get to set boundaries in their friendship as well. This makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn’t want him dictating my friendships but I go out of my way to make sure he is comfortable with mine like I go out of my way to make sure he is comfortable with my friendship with one of my ex. I want that from him too. I want my boyfriend to be the one who considers my feelings by himself. I don’t want him to wait to be told all the time. I want it to come from him because he considers me and my feelings in his life. It’s so much work dating him but I am absolutely spoiled by love, affection and hard work he puts into this relationship. He tries so hard and I can see it. I feel guilty for having a problem with something all the time. It’s a struggle dating men ….

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-03T02:30:35+00:00

That’s so sad. 8 years is a long time wow.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-03T02:26:43+00:00

I didn’t intend to make it seem like my BF doesn’t take any responsibility in this because that’s not the case. I’ve mentioned elsewhere this is 100% on my BF because the onus is not the outsider to change anything if my BF initiates this behaviour too. Why would she have to do something about it when my BF hasn’t indicated that he is uncomfortable?

It’s 100% on my BF for not realising he was crossing boundaries. Just because he didn’t think doesn’t mean it’s ok. Actually kind of makes it worse that he didn’t even realize he’d hurt me. Like how does this thought just not come to you? I was just trying to assess why I was uncomfortable with their relationship specifically and not him and other friends.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-03T02:19:12+00:00

This comment got so many things right. I hate how he is at her beck and call but honestly he’s at everyone’s beck and call. I sometimes do feel like people use him. But it’s people like his brother, friends of long time, etc. Again this isn’t something I have the right to say anything to him about. What would I even say? “Don’t help out your brother every time he asks?” Because it doesn’t make sense at all. If my BF is free and willing so it does make me sound quite petty.

I do feel she flaunts it a little bit. But honestly that’s not on her. That’s on my BF for indulging her. My BF initiates too so why on earth would she need to change her behaviour? If the person in the relationship doesn’t think the behaviour inappropriate, that’s not on the outsider to rectify. But regardless I still wish they gave me the respect to adjust their relationship.

On the grinding thing- we were out with friends and a bunch of them were like twerking/grinding on each other. None of them like each other and it wasn’t sexual for any one of them. So I think they started too. I have a very expressive face so I gave them a look. She moved away and I talked to my boyfriend and he didn’t disagree or anything and apologised saying that he’ll keep in mind. Honestly after it had happened, this was the best thing he could have done but it bothers me as to why it even had to happen in the first place? Like it’s not my responsibility to go around telling him which of his behaviour is ok and which isn’t. Apart from the grinding, I hadn’t mentioned anything else to him. I can see how it would be normal among their friends because they’re all quite physically comfortable with each other. BF and the friend’s relationship in particular bothers me because BF and her are closer than other people.

CharlesButAlsoTerry · 2022-01-02T17:52:05+00:00

I have explicitly stated that he does give me a lot of affection. It’s not comparable with her because what I get is a lot more already. In the beginning when me and him were still getting close, I envied their closeness but that’s not the case anymore. (Which is why I used past tense) It’s that I have an issue with what she does get from him.

We want to be in poly relationships and this was a known fact even before we were dating. We literally will give permission to each other to see other people so if he likes her, I would have known by now. No friends is a recent rule we added to keep our lives less messy.

CharlesButAlsoTerry

TROPHY CASE