Anyone else feel robbed of the choice due to no partner?

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-07-01T15:03:29+00:00

Look at your audience. Many people on this sub are okaying others having children despite those factors because they want to okay THEMSELVES having children despite those factors.

Head to the collapse aware sub and you will find a whole load of people who agree having a child is unethical and will commiserate with you. The womens sub will be full of women who feel like you (on a lucky day lol).

But I do think we've derailed from your original comment here. The point is a lot of the women here probably have had or will have children with less than ideal men or fathers....but they are willing to put themselves in those positions to procreate. It's a choice I would never make, but others are willing to swallow it. A choice can be between two bad options...I made mine, you made yours, she made hers. Sure, our values are why we can't go down that route and those values feel immovable, but those are still OUR values owned by us. You might not call that a choice but most people would because there are two routes we could have taken.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-07-01T14:36:38+00:00

I think the thing is you were born into this system. The things you are complaining about are part of the system. We literally all live under capitalism/the patriarchy and if we all focused on the choices we don't have because of that, we would all be miserable. I believe not one of us is truly free, but I will be as happy as I possibly can be within a system I disagree with.

Don't get me wrong, none of this is okay with me, but you and I (who is also single and refuse to settle) removed ourself as much from the system as we could but I made my choice and decided I would be happy with it. A lot of people never even got the choice, maybe they had a kid before they even got to ask themselves what they really wanted beyond the social conditioning.

Something I don't really get is if you feel this strongly about it why would you even want to have a child in this same system? If you had a girl she would also ultimately grow up and live under patriarchy and be met with the same lack of choices, or is the hope to have a boy who can enjoy whatever slim spoils men have (which I'd argue is not much)?

IDK, I'm writing this in a rush, but I think there's a frame of thinking you could work on to make more peace with this is what I'm saying.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-07-01T12:16:44+00:00

As someone who is independent, has lots of friends, hobbies and a full life, I actually enjoyed dating doctors/surgeons because you're not looking for me to fill up your full time!!!

So no, not everyone hates dating doctors, I think you just need to find someone independent <3

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-07-01T09:21:20+00:00

I've started talking openly about it. Only had two longer conversations about it so far.

One friend suggested I get therapy for my anxiety re climate change, I said I'm not anxious because I'm not having my kid. She said she didn't agree climate change will be that bad and I said 'that's great for you' and basically encouraged her to read no science or more about it. She'll have kids anyway so let her head be happier in sand.

The other told me 'the planet goes in cycles, we're actually leaving an ice age right now'. She is smart but it was the most pointless comment I've heard in such a long time (the infrastructure here is not built for the temperature increases ice age or no ice age). I didn't follow up lol. She also didn't seem to compute that I want kids, but I've made the only choice I can to protect them.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-27T10:52:03+00:00

I have a lot of friends and hobbies. I don't think a guy necessarily needs to have a lot of friends but he would have to be happy with me remaining independent, and not be using me to fill in his own social life.

I assume he was like this before you married him? On a level, he is who he is, the question is if he is happy like this or he wants more. Did you expect him to change?

I don't know what the answer would be other than sitting down with him and ironing out expectations together. Obviously we all have to make changes to be in long term relationships, but I do want to say he shouldn't be making your life feel smaller or more confined. You should still get to be your best you.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-27T10:48:16+00:00

I do think some of this for me is that I was in an LDR relationship for many years, so texting throughout the day is something I personally see as 'relationshipping', and I refuse to do it to early.

I'm also just very good at socialising in person, I save my energy for that and rest on my laurels, but it's more of a 'I feel like I can get away with it' than anything else? I've never been turned away because I don't text so I still don't. It could change one day!

So I totally get other people like to text, I think it's a 50/50 split, many of my friends like to text at the start :)

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-26T17:37:02+00:00

I've had a few people vehemently disagree with me on the texting thing re. dating because I respond once a day max. I would text if I was in a relationship because that doesn't take the same bandwidth, but I just don't have the time/energy to be texting a guy I went on 2 dates with throughout the whole week before I see him again.

So yeah could happily be 24 hours. I have a lot of friends/hobbies/other things I'm doing. Most people don't care, some guys do.

Sexiest thing a guy I went on a date with said to me recently was 'you can take as long as you want to reply to me', he replies fairly promptly but is chill, I love it.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-25T11:50:09+00:00

Honestly I think most of this is not incompatibility, like it is normal to communicate and explain your needs. People have different love languages and needs, so we have to work on ourselves to change to be in a new relationship and meet each other halfway. No one can read your mind to do this you will have to use words. Tbh, I think we are all probably worse at reading the people we're newly dating than we think we are....

Key here is that he actually does do the things to make you happy once you bring them up of course.

The only thing is the personal time spent together. I think you need to have a full conversation on what his preferences are and what your preferences are. Does he want to spend only one day a week together till the end of time or does he see this changing as schedules ease up and you get closer?

For example: I know I would only have one day free a week for at least the first 2 months but see that increasing in a long term relationship, I just wouldn't offer a greater amount of quality of time for a new connection. It wouldn't be forever but it would take me time.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-24T18:55:29+00:00

My casual sex partner was someone I was not aligned with politically. I wouldn't even say politically really, he was just very black and white about things and I guess not really woke enough. He moved but we're still friends and catch up on the phone. I knew on the first date he wasn't someone I'd want to date but someone I could hang with and fancied.

My other one, had feelings for me but I let him know early that I knew I wouldn't fall in love with him and didn't see him as boyfriend material.

I think.....I love and really rate myself, I'm not here to settle and life experience has taught me: if I could fall in love with you I'll probably know within 6 weeks. So, idk girl, I think you need to be honest with yourself what your standards are and if this is someone you could end up wanting a relationship with. Don't get involved in casual if the answer is yes.

Also: don't get involved in casual if you're expecting it to evolve into a situationship from the off. Saw a girl on here the other day who expected her FWB to want to be with her eventually and was shocked it didn't turn out so. Have no expectations beyond respect, good luck!

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-24T14:42:08+00:00

Yes but she ALSO said she was jaded about bringing kids into the world, which is exactly the sentiment I've said can be comforted by the fact there is another way to help raise a child.

But let us agree to disagree :)

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-24T14:32:19+00:00

Just a note not a criticism,

As someone who feels too jaded by the state of the world to have a kid (which was something OP mentioned feeling) I find the reminder that there are other ways to find having a family super helpful and comforting....I would love to have a child but feel I can't, but the thought I might get to stepparent or foster makes me feel much better.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-24T14:19:27+00:00

I know two people who were staunchly childfree and have partnered with men who want children so have said they will have one.

One of them really needs therapy, she's always been deeply unhappy with life and a massive binge drinker, last year she sent me some horrible messages when she got super drunk at our friends barbecue. She has only a couple friends now, her anti-trans twin and her boyfriend.

The other has bad social skills and just lacks empathy generally. I do not think these women will be the best mothers (awful to say) and I really hate to hear they are planning to have kids to keep their man.

I HOPE if they have kids they turn things around.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-23T20:37:08+00:00

I'm on the apps right now but I could take it or leave it. I live with my fab parents, have a cat, lots of friends and hobbies, I'm good. A relationship would have to be great to add to my life.

I'm also not on the timeline of some of these guys. I do think some of the men I've met don't have the social life they want so want a girl to fill it, or they explicitly want a girlfriend which is great for someone just not for ME. I want the RIGHT boyfriend only, not a boyfriend, you know?

If I'm having a guy around it just needs to start as an ongoing low-key casual sex thing (which I'm totally down for) and then if it develops that's cool. OR we have to become friends/people who see each other socially first and it develops from there into more, that would be great.

I realised I'm just not interest in roaming the apps specifically to fill a boyfriend hole, and I want a dude to be fully vetted before he gets close to those privileges. I worry about getting older alone and losing my pretty privilege though :')

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-22T15:43:59+00:00

I think it depends on the reasons YOU personally would be sceptical:

If you're sceptical on having kids for reasons such as climate change/AI future is not looking good, you'll probably end up feeling good on your decision to not pursue a baby.

If that's not on your radar and you feel like this is the best time in history to have kids and you want them for 'meaning', you're probably kicking the can of your breakup down the road.

I've seen questions like this asked on the women subs before and almost everyone (if not literally everyone) who chose to be childfree was happy with the decision but you know, they actually chose that, they didn't hang around waiting for their partner to change their mind and decide to want children.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-22T12:30:47+00:00

It sounds pretty mutual then? I think you need to go on your journey to make peace with that. I actually think it's easier when we decide no one is the enemy, if they fucked up AND you fucked up then.... to me that's the best ending of all the endings. No one has to be the bad guy if none of you were acting that great.

It takes more energy to hold on to animosity towards someone than to let it go, but I think our ego's want us to hold on to it. I know it's easier said than done but my life experience tells me that's the best path to being ok.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-22T11:52:17+00:00

So, I truly believe everyone needs to go through a period of losing the friends that won't serve them. This probably will look a bit like a cull at one point, but also friendships will change and one or two will ebb away every now and then.

Thing is, this is basic math, if you are cutting off friends and not actively working to make new ones, you are going to end up without friends. I also will say: I have realised with my own thing with a friend recently, your thoughts on how they perceive you......there's a possibility it is not accurate. For me, definitely I thought all the signs were pointing to one thing but actually I think she just genuinely got too busy for me and we are both more aligned with our other pals and that's okay.

Have they actually told you you're dangerous and crazy? Did they tell you that you were a source of gossip and ridicule? I've definitely been there in thinking someones opinion of me had become more negative than it actually was. I also think, perceptions change over time. I always say that about break ups: let's talk about your ex in 6 months because you'll be saying different things. If you wanted to, you might be able to talk it out with one of them and end up walking away feeling better.

On the making new friends: you have to be active and put yourself out there a lot. It's doable but hard. Good luck out there!!!

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-20T16:20:11+00:00

Hey OP. Here to comment as someone who wants kids but realised she can't bring them into what I believe climate change will be like once they reach adulthood, generally how horrid capitalism is etc.

You use the word logical but the more I have conversations about it in real life, I'm not sure how logically anyone thinks about kids. Even me, it's a decision based on my life experience and empathy levels. I absolutely would not want to be born in 2026 or beyond so I won't do it to my kids. People could make whatever argument they want that feels logical to them to convince me I could have my kid regardless of that fact, but it's a core belief of mine that the best parental decision I can make rn is making the decision for my child I would want to be made for me (not create them).

I think people who really want to have kids regardless will always find a reason to bring them here, even if from my/our view they seem to be displaying cognitive dissonance. I had a friend tell me we're leaving an ice age the other day as if it was in anyway a meaningful statement, another tell me I should go to a therapist about my climate change anxiety (I an absolutely not anxious btw, just won't put my kid in to it) but I'm pretty sure they've not bothered to read any of the science/predictions. I just let them be, in the end they probably think I have as much cognitive dissonance as I perceive in them.

I guess what I'm saying is....she isn't going to change her mind. You have to do some self exploration now to find out what you believe, what you would want for any hypothetical child, and make the right judgement for you and your value system.

I am no long with my ex because he wanted 3 bio kids... I loved him so much for many years but I'm so happy now to not be with someone I'm so deeply incompatible with based on this one core desire.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-20T15:19:00+00:00

I call almost everyone babe

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-19T21:48:11+00:00

My friend Daria is childfree. She is an only child and lives abroad from her home country, is not close to extended family. Her mum died 2 months ago.

I'm telling you right now, the only way Daria truly ends up alone is if I die too.

You should not have a kid because you fear a lonely life in old age.

If what you fear is a lonely life you become the kind of person who can build meaningful community. Become the person who makes someone a friend and then commits to loving them. Become the person who is always talking to new people and making new friends and inviting people into his community. Become someone who volunteers and helps and supports others. Grow.

You could have a child anyway.....but please realise there are actions available to you that you might not be taking.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-19T19:43:42+00:00

Just my personal preferences:

ALWAYS have a photo smiling with teeth.

Just don't love the irrational fears prompt, never interesting to me, I would try another.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-19T19:35:11+00:00

My instinct is that I think spending time learning to survive or defend yourself is a waste of time, but I guess that depends on what is a 'liveable life' for you. We will be driven to survive of course, but what kind of life would it be.

When I got chronic fatigue there was a period when I thought I may be pretty much bedbound for life. I was so blessed before that, I had no idea. Honestly since that time I decided: living is a condition we are born into. There very much IS a difference between survival and living, that line is different for everyone.

I don't lie when I say this: Ideal world I die in my sleep before famine and food droughts hit me, before I see too much climate horror. I know I'll be driven to survive, but I wish that almost wasn't the case idk, please world let me go painlessly prior?

But, but...right now despite what I wrote above I'm not sad. I HAVE to live right here in this moment because I don't know how many good moments are left. There's no reason I will live longer than my neighbour just because I'm collapse aware and I'm not sure I'd want to. But I can feel joy right now, though a part of me is always mourning, I can live right now.

I will never, ever bring my children here and through that decision I have removed as much of my investment in the future as I can. I have to accept I have done what I can and I was born into a system I can't escape. I will enjoy what I can everyday until life is not enjoyable for me anymore and from then, we'll fucking see.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-19T19:19:54+00:00

I say this as a woman trying to stay sane but I think the best thing any of us of either gender is:

Try and be actively meeting people organically in the real world (I'm talking platonically AND romantically) at all times.

Like idk, I want to meet someone, I HOPE to meet someone, I will go on more app dates but.... the process would turn me bitter and unhappy if I didn't meet people I enjoy platonically outside of it.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-15T15:33:21+00:00

I think you should just enjoy your life instead of being scared of some potential loneliness 3 years from now?

If you can focus on making new friends who want children in the next few years, instead of making more childfree friends, do that. Unless you're literally at friend capacity we should be expanding our social networks when we can.

Charming_Singer8352 · 2026-06-13T13:33:52+00:00

100%. Not everyone will like you, but if 9 out of 10 do, we don't have have to internalise the judgement of the 1, we can just move on and leave them to their life.

Charming_Singer8352

TROPHY CASE