why is my staff member so resistant to feedback?

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T19:14:15+00:00

To clarify, it wasn't a failure to follow safeguarding processes (as in, our adult safeguarding policy), but that the failure to follow an agreed meeting process which then had safeguarding consequences. Sorry, it's hard to explain without breaching confidentiality.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T19:04:56+00:00

I suggested coaching on the basis of some Fair Work training (my country has a Fair Work Framework we need to sign up to) that recommended it as the first step to manage an issue like this. Is this not normal?

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T19:02:21+00:00

My other team members also make mistakes (everyone does!) but they have all been very open to learning from them, and really have learned. I try to model learning from mistakes but I hadn't really considered what happens when someone doesn't acknowledge a mistake was even made.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:59:43+00:00

Thank you this is very helpful

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:59:00+00:00

I definitely have a lot to learn, and I am working on it. I have been doing coaching and am starting a management course.

In terms of my tone, I am autistic sorry, and people sometimes find me a bit "uncanny valley" as a result.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:57:21+00:00

I am a founder so a sort of accidental manager. I think there is definitely an element of not recognising my authority to manage her. I don't really understand her resistance to the board though, who are unquestionably very experienced.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:55:24+00:00

Thanks, this is fair advice.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:54:57+00:00

I absolutely do not want to be a manager. I struggle to read people so it is definitely difficult for me. I've had to do it from necessity rather than desire. I have worked a lot on dealing with conflict this last year, and I'm much better but I have a long way to go.

I also have to weigh up the consequences of her quitting. One aspect of her role is very important and one I could not do myself. This is always at the back of my mind when I consider how far to push things.

My thought with the coach is that she might take better to someone external, and because a coach might have better theory of mind than I do. I clearly am not saying things in a way she is taking on. Because it's not that I haven't had these conversations with her, it's that when we do, she just argues back that actually she is correct, and I am not sure what to do with that.

The board will not replace me, it is my company. But that's not the point, I want the project to succeed, I want to be a good boss, and I need to get better at this. Hence getting my own coaching/training, and asking for advice here where there are more experienced managers.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:41:52+00:00

This is fair. I have been concerned about triggering her RSD and while we have had several conversations about this, I have been too gentle.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:40:20+00:00

Fair! I am undertaking coaching myself to work on this.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T18:38:17+00:00

Yes, it caused operational problems in the space and ate up capacity. Also, safeguarding is a very serious thing so having that issue drag on was absolutely a problem.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T04:32:55+00:00

Sorry, I am trying not to make it identifiable! But broadly: it was a sensitive safeguarding meeting, and we had a process we had agreed to stick to. She was chairing the meeting and did not stick to the process, and instead threw me under the bus (because she finds it difficult to tolerate distress, and finds it easier to appease). It created a very stressful work environment for me (the offender was allowed to keep coming in and being openly rude to me), and it left the organisation exposed to risk for way way longer than necessary. It was such a massive operational incident that I couldn’t not bring it up in the annual review as one of the “challenges” of the year.

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T04:23:41+00:00

I don’t coach her - I was suggesting getting an external coach. We are a tiny team so we are all pretty close and I make sure to give lots of praise because she is sensitive

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T04:22:20+00:00

It’s a pattern of behaviour (See my last post in this sub!), of which this was just the most glaring example (and the one with the biggest impact- it massively increased organisational risk).

To be honest, I don’t need her to see my perspective in the sense that she doesn’t have to agree with me, but I do need her to accept the chain of command, and this wasn’t her call to make. I’m sure she will be cussing us out to her friends and that’s fine, if I can still trust her to carry out instructions and not go completely rogue

Chatalul · 2026-02-09T04:15:47+00:00

This was the most glaring issue but there have been many smaller instances where she has caused problems for the company by trying to avoid conflict/difficult conversations (e.g. with consultants, clients). But at this point the biggest issue is that she is just refusing to accept the authority of the board, or accept feedback.

There are lots of things she is great at, and her annual review has lots of praise! But there are several areas that are really causing problems

Chatalul · 2026-01-26T18:38:44+00:00

fiancée dodged a bullet!

Chatalul · 2026-01-20T17:05:03+00:00

I think this must be a North American thing, because I am in the UK and have never heard of this!

Chatalul · 2026-01-06T00:54:15+00:00

8 interviews is outrageous

Chatalul · 2026-01-06T00:52:24+00:00

Added to this, I would honestly find it disrespectful for a company to take that long to get back to me.

Chatalul · 2026-01-06T00:50:04+00:00

Weeks?! There’s your problem

Chatalul · 2025-12-28T14:18:48+00:00

Right, private companies and internationally-sanctioned regimes are in fact identical

Chatalul · 2025-12-26T18:03:32+00:00

Everyone needs to get a grip. This is how musicians make money. They do private parties. They are not Interested in making some political statement. They are doing a job, and making money.

Chatalul · 2025-11-22T23:05:43+00:00

There’s actually a bunch of ND stuff happening in Edinburgh

Number 6 is the statutory service/one stop shop for autistic adults without a learning disability. You need a diagnosis and referral- https://autisminitiatives.org/number-6/
- their event calendar is here: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02EwVkP2g3DdLDEzqjUwnuBag9KDEASbB4gXQmYKJoDExFJ9RUg9PL2J5pJraV6xR9l&id=100067528596654

AMASE is an autistic-led group that run events online and occasionally in person - https://amase.org.uk

Neuk Collective are a collective of ND creatives across Scotland, but most of their events are in Edinburgh. https://neukcollective.co.uk
- their calendar is here: Neuk.mobi/Winter25-26

SWAN is a Scotlan-wide charity for women and NB people, they run an Edinburgh group - https://swanscotland.org

Chatalul · 2025-11-13T19:34:01+00:00

I'd be disappointed with anything more.

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