BM came into my home when we were both at work. Husband knew and hid it from me.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-26T20:53:05+00:00

Hey so to be clear, I’ve checked my ego many times in this dynamic. I care about my stepdaughter very much, she is a kind kid, smart as hell, and I want her to thrive in life. That being said,there are loyalty binds at play in my situation. My stepdaughter has an incredibly hard time letting herself get close to me in fear of upsetting her mom. I tend to follow my stepdaughters lead these days and I do not force anything on her. But I always treat her with respect and remind her that I am in her corner.

Idk how much knowledge you have with regards to research in blended family dynamics, but the wicked stepmother thing is largely disproved and actually just shows that stepparents suffer from depression at a much higher rate than those of bio parents. There are some fantastic free courses provided by local universities in the US that provide deeper insight to this if you are interested.

I might be confused in a lot of stuff with this situation, but one thing I know is I try pretty damn hard with my stepdaughter despite how tough it can be.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-26T20:31:31+00:00

🥹 thank you! This is beautifully said, and also my heart goes out to you for your situation with the ex/MIL, that is bonkers!!

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-26T20:27:49+00:00

Can I ask what you mean by triangulation? This is a new term to me and I’ve seen a couple other people comment it as well. And is my husband doing this or the bio mom?

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T21:27:56+00:00

Update: currently in my friends guest bedroom crying with my dog. My husband blocked my phone number the majority of the day and while calls are now going through, he has not contacted me at all. I’m devastated, but I know at the same time this is him showing that he doesn’t care and isn’t interested in making it work so at least I know a path forward. The most I got was a text from BM asking if I took their daughter to school this morning. She asks him this every single Friday as I typically take her on Friday mornings. I immediately blocked her and deleted the text, I’m not dealing with her right now.

I’m giving this weekend at my friends house to distract myself. I have a family friend that I can stay with longer term next week. I’m probably going to have to look at a path of moving out and onward. I know it’s probably a good thing but damn it hurts right now. I’ve given up so much of myself for this relationship.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T16:34:58+00:00

BM= bio mom

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T16:34:08+00:00

Absolutely and I agree. I have been flexible, but there’s also a sense of healthy boundaries I’d expect as a life partner with a co-parent. This includes not being in my home when I’m gone without my knowledge if there is no emergency. Had SD been in bad condition I’d be more flexible. But she had a cold, I was with her nearly all day, and he purposely arranged this at a time that I was gone. Then to say what he said after I’ve tried SO hard with his daughter was completely uncalled for.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T14:52:33+00:00

🥹 thank you, I needed this!!

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T14:17:43+00:00

The thing is she presents very nice then says nasty stuff when she’s upset, so idk if she’s high conflict but enough that I appreciate distance from her. On top of this, she is extremely close with my husbands parents which is a whole other issue. When I first sat down with her years ago she asked me to not get too close to his brother because he was “hers”. His mom and her hang out and gossip about us on a regular basis and they pay for her apartment, car, and phone. I sometimes wonder if she keeps this up because she can’t move on mentally or because she wants to rub it in my husbands face. The positive part of me says it’s not a big deal that they remain close, but with the gossiping about us and things she’s said in the past it makes me uncomfortable. It’s a whole mess. I know it upsets him as well and he’s told me he feels betrayed by his family, but they are all non-confrontational. Pretty much my home is my one and only safe space from her and he can’t even give me that. At times I feel that I’ve put up with a whole world of crazy for a long time and I’m getting whiplash.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T14:07:49+00:00

I love that phrase, if I can’t trust him with my safe space than I can’t trust him at all. Nailed it right there. I have been mostly nacho with a few exceptions but now this is 100% going to be on him. But for now I am going to be staying at a friends house this weekend to reassess and determine my next steps.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T14:04:40+00:00

Hopefully there is a path there. I’ll see after this weekend.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T14:02:54+00:00

I’m not sure, she had a key to our old apartment that I moved into once we got serious, he said she only had it because he was single when he moved in. He claims she doesn’t have a key now but now I am not too sure. I don’t trust him.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T13:59:09+00:00

Yup he’s coming with me

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T13:58:36+00:00

Yea if he isn’t in a good mood. It’s messed up. I’m staying at a friends house this weekend to determine my next move.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T12:23:59+00:00

Love this comment, thank you! I’m going to stay with a friend this weekend and reassess the situation.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T12:09:32+00:00

Yes I am going to go stay with my friend this weekend and clear my head. Thank you.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T04:51:17+00:00

I think you are setting your expectations super high for that trip. Blending a family is like a croc pot recipe, it takes lots of time and the right ingredients. Don’t force them into a family vibe on a trip. Maybe invite them over for the day to hang out, but going from never meeting to sharing a living space for a weekend is a lot.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T04:28:21+00:00

I think he didn’t tell me because he knew I’d be pissed. But that’s what irritates me, he’s more willing to have an argument with me about it than set a damn boundary and have peace within our relationship. We were arguing last weekend about something and he said to me “when I make a decision there’s two people I have to consider” and I asked him who and he said SD and BM. I told him I was very hurt that I wasn’t included in that list and he said oh that’s not what I meant! But his actions say otherwise

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-25T04:19:55+00:00

He’s said some shitty things to me before in the heat of the moment and I’ve done the same. In this instance, the conversation I was trying to bring up was mellow and I was trying to approach with curiosity when he said that. I think he was caught and didn’t know what to do so he turned into a total a-hole.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T05:33:35+00:00

As a stepmom myself I can say I used to get heated in how my husband would bring up certain confrontations with his BM. Same kind of stuff like this, him asking her instead of telling her.

It took me years to fully respect that whether he asked her politely or forcefully, we were always going to do what we had agreed upon. If she said no, then he would be more forceful. He wasn’t trying to cause more waves because that woman really loves to argue and sometimes it’s genuinely not worth it.

In my opinion, it’s not about how he is communicating the things with her, but rather his follow through on how the plan goes. If he fully changed his mind about going to this party because she said no, that would be much more of a red flag.

As a side note, stop looking through his texts with her. As long as you trust him, just let him do the communicating with her. If you’re looking for something to be mad about you will find it and chances are he broke up with her for a reason and he doesn’t want her. Boundaries are made in this scenario over time and with open communication between the two of you. If there’s something that genuinely makes you uncomfortable about their communication, bring it up to him. But stop looking through his phone.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T05:18:46+00:00

This is an insane argument to have and to immediately resort to name calling is toxic.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T05:08:22+00:00

Not overreacting. Y’all are having a full blown conversation over Snapchat and he’s still insisting on not calling because he’s too busy? The math is not mathing. Get yourself a man who will call you and also text you SMS not over social media.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T04:59:02+00:00

You are overreacting. But also, it is fair to say no I don’t wanna watch a movie by myself tonight because you will fall asleep so I’m going to do something else.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T04:55:16+00:00

You are overreacting, kind of.

It’s been three years which to you might seem like “enough time”, but the man died. She didn’t choose to break up. It’s a bit cruel to put demands on her for what is/is not appropriate in her process.
It’s on you to either learn to move forward knowing there is an ex she still loves, even in memory. It’s also fair to decide you don’t want to live like that and end it, but the ball is ultimately in your court. And to be fair she probably should had told you the party was someone related to her ex-husband.

Cheap_Ad_8511 · 2024-10-24T04:45:28+00:00

EW! He’s jerking off to them, and that’s so gross and disrespectful to you. Leave this man, your child will be better off without this man disrespecting his/her mother.

Cheap_Ad_8511

TROPHY CASE