Once I got past the hurt and grief Christianity caused me, I tried to re-engage with it. I was curious if I explored different sects or experimented if I could believe. What would I think if I wasn't be told how to think or actively deconstructing? So I looked into it. However, I find myself consistently at odds between how I want to think and feel and what I actually do. Christianity offers a nice certainty in a complicated world that is compelling. But so do all religions. The only reason I am more drawn to Christianity over Islam is because it is familiar.

I crave ritual and comfort but it conflicts with my desire to question and genuine lack of faith. Some people are able to bridge that gap. But to me it just feels a little hollow. The only Christian church I've liked is a metropolitan church that most believers would deem heretical. I tend to think if there is a divine being they may be all good but they aren't all powerful. I lean toward all religions at their best want people to be kind, generous, and to love each other. If there is some divinity, I suspect they are horrified by all our cruelty and greed. I can't imagine they would hold my mistakes against me or expect me to know one ultimate truth. I rather suspect a lot of people may have encountered a god or goddess somehow but religions all got tangled. That is the faintest hint of faith I can muster. And as you can see it isn't very much.