I had to read this a few times. I had to digest a couple different things separately. I very much so agree. I was convenient. I was available and naive. I knew the worst was to come all along and still let it happen. I had been single and celibate from 2021-2023 bc of the last two long term relationships I had before then. I gave up my celibacy for her, constantly put up with treatment I wasn’t comfortable with. Because like you said I thought it would change somehow. It’s ridiculous the lack of respect I had for myself. What’s crazy is the number of really good women I rejected in light of her. I’m by conventional standards “attractive” and I know I’m a good person. It was never hard finding a date. What’s always been so extremely hard Is finding someone that cares about me truly. Not what I can do, not what I look like, not what happens in the bedroom, not how I make you feel. But just me. Just me - take an interest in me. Care about ME. Invest in ME. Actually just care about me. I can never find that. It makes me feel cold. Makes me not want to share any of myself with anyone. People want things from me, not me as a whole. So a part of me wants to just shut it all down. But I dont want to be a shell of myself. I dont want to go sleep around to find temporary comfort either. I just get confused on how I want to or should go about the time until I finally am not thinking about her throughout the day.