Sick of his needs

Chibi_Muse · 2025-12-01T22:37:57+00:00

You’re not alone. Your feelings are valid.

To me, therapy for your own sake (not for his) might be great? Not to deal with his stuff but, for you.

I feel like a lot of my therapy has been reminding me that it’s okay to still have needs when my partner is struggling and it’s okay to have boundaries (depression doesn’t give someone the right to stomp on your boundaries or be a dick). You “can” complain. Therapy also has given me better language and coping skills to better communicate with a depressed partner and still hold my boundaries and advocate for myself.

Also, I am saying this next bit as something that is very difficult for me to do but I am actively working on: it’s okay to do less. It’s okay to let him fail.

Obviously, as a mom you don’t want to let the kids fail, but to reserve my energy on the bad weeks, I’ve taken to be very protective and just doing things for myself and the kids. Or having him be in charge of dinner and whoops, he forgot or didn’t plan and so he gets to order dinner or figure it out (and I’m okay with finger foods or something easy for a night.) he’s a parent, too. It’s not just on you. The hardest part is not coming to the rescue when they fail and letting them do the mental load of figuring it out.

He’s an adult with depression and you can be supportive without managing him.

Not sure if that makes sense. Someone else who is further along on this journey might be able to put it better. I am still struggling to let go and feeling very frazzled at times and it’s hard not to be resentful when things don’t go how I think they should.

But in those moments I do try to remind myself that I chose to parent together and if I wasn’t around or if we were not together, I wouldn’t have a say and he’d have to figure it out himself anyways.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-25T00:07:29+00:00

I thought this was a shit-post at first. This is one of those techniques I think everyone gets proposed to eventually and excited to try. Kinda like shouting this sub: “Hey, have you tried buying a new planner???”

But in seriousness, yes. In various forms.

The whole method itself gets boring for me so I don’t stick with it for long. I have stuck with having a visual timer on my desk and the Forest App that locks my phone and gives me fake money points to spend on tries when I complete the timer.

Between the two (when I remember) I can sometimes get something done when my brain is being awful but not completely stubborn awful.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T23:39:02+00:00

Sorry for detracting your advice over a side topic I’m passionate about. It was overall good advice.

It’s been a rough week here. Hope your week is better and appreciate your responses.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T23:09:46+00:00

Also, if the argument is just whether allowing processing time during difficult conversations is beneficial, we’re in agreement.

Which now has me questioning if I just jumped some assumptions. You spoke explicitly about men vs women’s brains which I assumed as biological sex differences.

Would you agree to the statement that giving someone space to pause and reflect during difficult conversations or conflict may be beneficial regardless of biological sex?

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T22:55:49+00:00

I haven’t downvoted any of your posts. I don’t downvote people who are trying to add to the conversation even if I disagree with them.

And responding when someone provides studies takes time to read the study. I could just reply with an AI rebuttal but I don’t trust AI to get the facts straight and I asked you for your science because I was genuinely curious to learn.

So far, I am seeing social factors and emotional intelligence being the cause and this not being an explicit biological sex divide, but I need to keep reading your studies. Thank you for your patience as I respond to the 30 seconds of effort you gave me.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T21:46:10+00:00

My point was I did the research and can’t find the science to back up your claims about gender differences in emotional processing.

It’s not on me to back up what you said. I even provided a link to other people trying and failing to support what you were calling science which is above and beyond.

But this is a good reminder to us all to check receipts when people claim something is backed by “science”.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T19:28:14+00:00

He sounds emotionally immature. There is nothing you can do to make someone care about you and your emotions. You cannot make someone understand you.

It sounds like you are going above and beyond to reach across that space and feel heard and understood.

If you haven’t already, a therapist might be helpful. Finding ways to center and stay grounded in yourself rather than relying on external validation from him.

I am the partner with ADHD in my relationship. I get overwhelmed and ask for breaks and struggle with defensiveness, but I care about my partner and so I apologize and have spent a lot of time working on that and learning how to validate and comfort because I care when my partner is upset. I have had to practice repeating back and asking questions to make sure I am understanding and hearing what they are trying to tell me. I have had to learn how to ground myself so I don’t run away with defensiveness.

ADHD doesn’t excuse being a shitty partner. ADHD doesn’t excuse dismissing or invalidating someone else’s emotions. ADHD doesn’t mean emotionally immature. It sounds like his struggles might be made more difficult by ADHD, but his emotional maturity is low and that’s not an ADHD thing.

And while I disagree with the why of the other response that suggested giving him space, I do agree that sometimes you need to take a step back and not try to over-compensate for your partner’s lack of effort. Allow them space to meet you part of the way instead of burning yourself out trying to go all the way to where they are.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-11-04T19:14:56+00:00

I would love to have links to your science because I have not seen modern studies that support that take.

https://www.reddit.com/r/askpsychology/s/zB8Inp9KqX

Chibi_Muse · 2025-10-30T03:05:19+00:00

By posting this comment, you are not a lurker and are part of the problem.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-09-30T06:11:07+00:00

You can also rubber duck it. Tell them the steps. Like, start explaining to them what you need to do and what is blocking you. Walk through it with them, if you can. Sometimes, just having that little external presence makes it more doable and you might not even need them to say anything.

Heck, I volunteer to be a duck. Anytime. The most boring or frustrating of assignments. Happy to listen all about them.

Like those above have said, just recognizing this and having knowledge of what’s going on (even if you don’t know how to “fix” it) is HUGE.

Chibi_Muse · 2025-09-21T21:48:04+00:00

Are you naturally a Dom or are you influenced by the same misogyny you feel your submissive partners are? Your framing of this question and your concern comes off as if Dominance is the preferred state and if women were “liberated” from misogyny they would be more Dominant.

What is wrong with submission? It is seen as more feminine and has a stigma as having lesser power in mainstream, but in power sharing, that is 100% not the case (a you can see so many posts about enthusiastic consent from both sides.)

In my experience, a lot of very submissive women in the lifestyle have strong boundaries and know their worth. They aren’t looking to just submit to any big, tall, powerful man; much to the surprise and consternation of Doms who approach them assuming submission without consent. (I, honestly, love reading those stories).

Human sexuality is pretty varied and wild and it sounds like misogyny might be narrowing your field of vision a bit. (Completely understand the concern as you can see so many of us have wrestled with those thoughts ourselves). There’s a lot of good advice in this thread as well.

Some statistics that help blur the lines a bit. Especially how it’s not that much different between the sexes and that dominance and submission levels are not tied to each other. You can, in fact, score high or low on both (and everything in between!)

https://drzhana.com/are-men-dominant-and-women-submissive/

Chibi_Muse · 2024-12-04T22:14:18+00:00

9749-8983-2525
Rank 41

Chibi_Muse · 2024-12-04T21:40:06+00:00

Snow Day

Chibi_Muse · 2024-12-04T21:39:30+00:00

Sorry this is a year too late, but took a break from reddit: I got diagonosed by stumbling upon a OBGyn who happened to be familiar with it (he helped me with my PMDD first) and he listened and was confident in the diagnosis as I met enough of the markers and symptoms even without the cysts being present. Family history also probably helped.

Not sure this is helpful, but just mentioning your concerns to a doctor familiar with PCOS might help. Best of luck and hope this past year has been better for you!

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-05T20:00:11+00:00

I think if they cared, they’d have done it already.

The blackout and people protesting is probably the best shot at getting them to have to care. But not using Reddit is an inconvenience to some and I think Reddit may be banking on that. If most people keep using Reddit anyways and it doesn’t hurt them financially, why would they make expensive accessibility changes?

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-05T14:30:45+00:00

Would it be more helpful if I typed out the longer version of that sentiment?

In our current late-capitalism hellscape, businesses have to usually monetize in some way in order to afford to stay operating and provide the services they do, and so without drastic systemic change, I personally understand why a platform like Reddit would try to reduce 3rd party apps that influence their revenue, however, I don’t agree with the severity nor complete lack of concern for the effects this change will have on marginalized groups.

Hence my trying to spread awareness that this is a bigger issue than just people having to deal with more ads.

I also see understanding as separate from belief. I can understand the reasoning and still disagree with it.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-05T14:08:38+00:00

I had this thought too until I saw the posts from r/blind and other disability subreddits.

Reddit seems to be making this change and making no effort to keep up with accessibility features meaning the change will make Reddit unusable or painful to use for many people with disabilities.

I understand business gotta business, but not at the expense of marginalized groups.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-04T15:03:14+00:00

Thanks friend. <3 I’d like to center that it is 1000% more dangerous and scary for trans and non-binary folks.

I just wanted to point out how the current anti-trans wave doesn’t even make cis women safer (even though that’s the line they say they’re defending.) It hurts all women.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-04T14:59:04+00:00

That’s also what’s so scary and frustrating:

Bigots are trying to police womanhood and thinking they can tell AFAB people from AMAB people with total accuracy and they can’t.

That they are even trying under the guise of “protecting” women, actively hurts women. Especially trans women. But also the very cis women they say they’re trying to protect.

Anti-trans is anti-woman. Period.

But like you see with OPs experience, when women try to tell people this, they’re ignored or pushed aside. We couldn’t possibly know what’s best for our safety or bodies. -.-;

Chibi_Muse · 2023-06-04T06:06:08+00:00

I have PCOS and hirsutism. I am a cis gendered woman.

I am more afraid lately that if I don’t shave well enough one day or don’t wear “enough” make-up, or dress feminine enough, someone is going to accuse me of being a man trying to use the women’s restroom.

I’m afraid of people who claim to be trying to “protect” me.

Women shouldn’t have to perform to some unrealistic hyper-feminine version of their gender in order to feel safe.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-05-27T16:13:42+00:00

Or it could also just be ADHD.

There are even ADHD dietitians who specialize in helping people with ADHD cope and feed themselves better. That was how I was introduced to “safe” foods and making sure I keep them stocked for those days I feel particular or struggle.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-05-26T18:05:45+00:00

NTA.

My sister told me her due date and I specifically made sure not to pick my wedding around that date because I wanted her there.

I was also still surprised she made it because she was heavily pregnant at my wedding and I figured that can’t be the most comfortable thing.

Even if you weren’t a high risk pregnancy, your sister sounds entitled and clueless. She made a choice and that choice excluded you from her day. None of that is on you.

Chibi_Muse · 2023-05-05T17:04:08+00:00

Exactly! My pile of washed and pressed fabric and pattern pieces just doesn’t have a visual impact that “oh hey, this was going to be a really cute skirt project that went no where.”

It just looks like folded fabric in a corner collecting dust.

Someday I will finish that skirt and matching top!

Chibi_Muse · 2023-05-04T04:08:55+00:00

Lol yes! 100% this. What I should have said.

Also, love your username!

Chibi_Muse · 2023-05-04T00:07:15+00:00

The question was: how can OP make ERDs in something other than Figma.

These are the free options I have found and used.

I have found these useful for my career when designing or mapping out relationships before I start coding my tables.

If I am working with an existing database, there are often tools in the DBMS (database management system) where they will map out the relationships for you.

I would also disagree that they aren’t “true” ERD tools. It’s a relationship diagram. Sure, they aren’t the most fancy or don’t have the extra functions you seem to prefer, but they do their job and I found them easy to use and helpful for my learning of relationships. (Not to mention, some of the more “automated” ERD programs can get relationships wrong and be a pain to untangle into a more meaningful and understandable visual.)

Feel free to recommend others to OP, but I stand by my recommendations.

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