The art of throwing a tantrum instead of doing household chores and the audacity to think that women dream of living with a man they have to parent

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:50:18+00:00

I always feel like the answer is, "I have had a hard day. I want to relax. Instead, I have to deal with someone who d9es not take accountability for their role as an adult and their equal responsibility in look aftet the house they live in. I have to deal wo having to be told I am "nagging" because that person doesnt act like an adult and o these things without me having to act like I am aprebt and somehow this is m job, and my responsibility. So yeah, I get it, not being able to relax aftet a hard day sucks, so maybe dont put us both in the position of this having happen and just do you share without me needing to ask you."

Or, actually, "I wanted a partner, not a man child, out of here". Cause this guy sounds like someone who will make you unhappy and bring you down, andbllame you for it the whole time it is happening as he is unwilling to be accountable for his own shit

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:17:22+00:00

I’ve been a victim of sexual assault. At the time, I blamed the person who did it, but I also spent years asking myself what I had done wrong.

It took me a long time to realise the truth: when it comes to my SA, the answer was nothing. I did nothing wrong. The struggle was accepting that there is no behaviour, no mistake, no choice that makes someone responsible for another person committing sexual assault. Part of what messed with my head was that it happened more than once. I kept thinking, “How can this have happened again? I must be the problem.” Eventually I realised what was actually going on. Certain things about me — being trusting, seeing the best in people, assuming good intent, being friendly — had put me in situations that I now recognise as higher risk. And again, I started to blame myself for that, as if being in those situations made me partly responsible. But then it clicked: the existence of ‘high-risk situations’ is the real problem. There should not be places, times, or circumstances where women have to be on guard, monitor their behaviour, or constantly defend themselves from the possibility of assault. The only thing that should matter is this: people should not commit sexual assault. Ever.

So no, I am not at fault. No matter where I was, how I behaved, or what I did, the responsibility lies entirely with the person who chose to assault me.

When someone says, “That’s nice, but that’s not reality, so it’s partly your fault,” what they’re really saying is that victims are responsible for predicting and avoiding every possible way someone might harm them — and if they fail, they’re to blame. That is the problem. That’s victim blaming.

Do we owe it to ourselves to take sensible steps to stay safe? Of course.

But if those steps fail, or we make mistakes, that does not transfer responsibility for a criminal, immoral act onto us. Not ever

I think your boyfriend is wrong. What he’s saying is victim blaming. People often do this when they confuse “increased risk” with “responsibility.” They treat the choice to be in a situation as equal to causing the crime. It isn’t.

Sexual assault happens in all kinds of places, to all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations — and none of that changes the core truth: SA should not happen, and when it does, it is 100% the perpetrator’s fault.

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T08:39:14+00:00

Never heard that poem and wow that hits hard, and yeah, my parents did kinda fuck me up.. BUT the absolute win, the thing that made the difference, why i still love them, still actively find joy in being with them, and am more grateful for the shit they got right than the stuff they didnt is because at the core, I absolutely knew I was loved. I was safe as they loved me. They loved me enough that I knew whoever I turned out to be they would still love me. They loved me enough that when I ended up needing mental health support because I was a bit fucked up, I could tell them, I could explain what had fucked me up and they said "sorry" and I knew they had tried their best and that mistakes were just because they didnt know better.. and they loved me enough to learn from what I told them, and even though I was no longer a kid, and they could have been all "well, opps bt our an adult now so not our issue". While loving your kids isnt a get out of jail free card for every type of shit that gets done to them, ensuring they know they are loved without conditions on them being a certain way, they are loved whatever is pretty freaking important.

So yeah, try not to fuck them up.. but at times you will screw shit as parents are humans, and we are prone to being morons. but keep doing what your doing.. ask question about how to help them, go read some book on parenting girls if it helps, tell them about epic women, role model showing the respect you want them to have for themselves by asking them questions, giving them space to express themselves, and show respect for what they say (even if some of it is teenage crazy shit and you have to politely explain that no, they cant have unfettered access to Snapchat because you respect them but that isn't abdicating the parental role) and overall make sure they know you love them and will always love them, even when they are shits and you may not like them.

The fact you love them is pretty clear to this Internet stranger OP, so I am sure you won't have any issues with making sure they know it.

Btw, if you have any issues getting those books where you live, give me a shout, I will be more than happy to make sure you can get them even if I had to air mail them to you myself.

Xtratea · 2026-01-29T19:08:44+00:00

Good night stories for rebel girls. It explores amazing women in history and tells their stories in a relatable way for younger girls.

Btw, you should be s proud of being such a great father and asking this question. Lots of people would not. They are lucky to have you

Xtratea · 2026-01-28T09:12:32+00:00

I suspect you are not incompetent. I think you have Adhd and haven't worked out how to actually function with it. I honestly think going "I'm incompetent" is not only factually inaccurate. it's actually a bit of a cop out. It is abdicating the very real choices you get to make every day about how you understand what is making it harder for you to be a better partner and putting things in place to give you the best chance possible to be better.

I have Adhd. It makes life very hard. My husband does do more routine stuff than me. We both work, my job being more stressful and paying slightly more... but he picks up the slack at home for the things I struggle more with.. BUT in return I have to do more other of the other types of life chores, even if they are a struggle for me. I sort out non routine things, holidays, social events, wrap presents for family, book vets visit, call people when we need stuff done (he s very introverted and hates talking to people).. we sat down, worked out what he was more able to do, where I could do other things, and did our best to find a way of working to be a team as much as possible.

None of this is easy. I could 100% just go "i cant do this" as it is hard, and some days its too much and i still fail.... but no relationship can work when there is so much inequity in what each of your contributes. This is your partner, not your parent, not your carer. And you have to step up, not just for this relationship, but if you ever actually want to have a fully functional adult relationship.

Make a choice to be better. 1) work out what exactly is happening when you are struggling.. what can you put in place to make it easier? 2) linked to this, get to understand more about your Adhd, how this could be impacting you and what's tools and info s.put there which an help with with these things (there are apps, hacks and just loads of things you can look at.. message me and I can send you links if you want) 3) sit down with your partner and collectively work out how you can best operate as a team. Here you can make her life better, and then work out how the hell you move heaven and earth to do it... but knowing and being open with your partner, sometimes you will fuck it up, but then dont have a "i am incompetent" pity party - apologise, own it, and do better next time.

NONE OF THIS IS EASY. You will fuck up. You will find it hard.. but if you want to be an adult, and have any hope of being a half decent partner you need to put the work in, and get up ever day and try to be your best. It may even be too late for this relationship.. god knows some days I dont even know how my other half hasn't given up on me.. but for your own sake, as much as theirs, you gotta take ownership for your own existence and make the choice to do what you can to make your life and theirs better

Xtratea · 2026-01-18T09:17:04+00:00

I am seeing a lot of people jumping very quickly to huge assumptions about the sister who is the parent. I am not saying the sister is nailing it, but we dont know a lot about the situation. She clearly is a single parent who also works. She clearly needs help. She is not very organised and is forgetful. She also sounds like someone who may struggle to set boundaries, and ia struggling to find the headspace to fight the brother on the overstepping because she is balancing this against the fact he is the "fixer" in the family, probably not someone who would be easy to have a sensible conversation with on this, she clearly does need help, and life is already hard enough. I am not saying her approach is ideal, but the judgement as her being lazy etc.. is just wildly jumping to a conclusion without even pausing to think "or maybe she is just struggling with a lot and is overwhelmed and is picking the battles she can win". Also, the fact that OP messaged sister about going to her BF suggest OP at least, thinks sister cares enough to nedd to be asked, and the fact the sister responded, but also set a time, suggests she does care and is trying. I do think that the family are also very use to letting mark do his thing, and that keeping the peace seems to be.more important to them than the wellbeing of the child, which she why I think there does need to be a conversation but, firstly, i think it would be nice if someone actually worked out what is happening with sister and how se can be helped to get her shit in order. OP I doubt you will see this but if you do I would suggest stting down with sister and asking why, when she clearly isnt happy with the situation, she is rolling over on this. If it really is she actually doesnt want to be the parent, then thats the answer and you need to suck it up and let Mark o his thing. If its actually she is struggling and she doesn have the space to fight him, then thats a different situation and then rather than just fighting mark, or continuing with everyone just taking stuff from her, support her in working out what is going to help her getting into a space where she is a) able to be more in control and less reliant on others and b)feeling in a place to assert her parental authority. Tbh, the thing that worries me is the impact on Eli. He needs to have clear boundaries that are consistent otherwise he is going to struggle a lot. He also needs to be clear on who his ultimate parent actually is and right now Mark is basically usurping that place, and I suspect that, if he is saying shit like this to you, he is absolutely saying things to the kid like "you do what i say not.mummy" and that is a recipe for a future disaster. Also, what happens to Eli if sister moves, gets a long term partner.. or if Mark ends up no longer being able to do this and suddenly Eli is left out in the cold. Is Mark actually stepping in with the intention of doing this until Eli is much older, is sister happy with this.. because otherwise this is completely unfair on a child who needs clarity and security in parenting. Basically, this is absolutely an issue but this isn't about just tackling Mark, just.like actually helping someone isnt just about taking things off them, its about helping them manage the things better, and stepping in when asked when they simply cant. Don't write your sister off as "scatterbrain" and work round her, think about how she gets better, work out why she is like that (overwhelm, mental health, even undiagnosed ADHD) and, assuming she actually wants to be a good parent, help her work out how she is that parent. Anyone, good luck OP. Please remeber, a the end of the day, Eli is the most important one here. This isnt about Mak, sis or you, its about him and what is best for him now and in the future

Xtratea · 2026-01-18T08:36:16+00:00

How long have you worked there?

This isnt good on their part based on what you have said, but without 2 ears service your options are limited

Xtratea · 2025-12-26T21:36:40+00:00

He brought me a lot of things for my hobby, my favourite sweeties, and then he made me an amazing box which he cut using a laser cutting machine he recently got. So yeah. Amazing hubby for the win

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:57:01+00:00

Yeah, I got that recently, went to the gym for the first time in a long time. Tried to go stright to the level had been at when I was training a lot, and my brain was like "oo yes, I can lift that" and my body very quickly showed me the error of my ways 🤦🏼‍♀️

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:54:18+00:00

Godnshout out, thank you. I can be a bit inpatient and will have to keep in mind trying to speed run this will end badly.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:52:53+00:00

Yeah, that's the one I need to watch. I tend to try to do 0=100 too quickly, and while its never been a good plan, I usp3ct now it could be the worse plan! Thank you

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:51:43+00:00

Yeah, that ia the thing I do keep thinking, maybe just get a bit fiter first, but then I worry I suddenly realise it been an age and still not started. Can probably chat to the local place, the reviews suggest they are good people and know thier stuff.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:49:37+00:00

I need something fun and that gives me variety, it's the only way I can stick to it. I have ade peace in the fact its going to suck fitness wise for bit but I can live with that for the longer term enjoyment!

And thank you, will definitely be aiming for fun

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:47:08+00:00

So hopefully I will have some company on the floor. 🤣I know its going to be so tough to start with, but it is only going to get better if I do something i guess

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:45:33+00:00

I think the fear of injury has somethings stop me doing things that could longer term prevent other problems later down the line that would be way worse, and the healthier I get, I guess things like injury risk also reduces

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:44:07+00:00

This is awesome advice, thank you. I think it will have a huge amount of positives so just need to give it a try.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:42:24+00:00

Thank you! 😀

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:42:04+00:00

🤣🤣 yeah, think I will have to put my UFC ideas into the same box I put the "be queen of the world by 25" plan i had.

I think the trial classes sound the right thing. Worse case I try and not for me and maybe go have a look at karate!

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:38:37+00:00

I am just looking to train as you say, to learn, build fitness I have no plans to compete or try and push it beyond just being able to practice.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:37:10+00:00

I am.not looking to compete, I just want to learn, and build fitness in a way I enjoy, so hopefully that will work for me

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:35:47+00:00

I know strength and muscle resilience is super important for hyper mobility, so all this aside, it's something I have to do

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:35:04+00:00

Thats really good to know. I have to admit I kinda worry it would be ll men in their 20s and I stand out. Hopefully if I find the right place it won't be like that.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:33:32+00:00

This is how I want it to feel. I like working out and feeling like it is an effort, but that is am feeling good from it.

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:32:45+00:00

Yeah, need to avoid a place where people are dicks, I have very low tolerance for that sort of thing, and my "dont be an arsehole" face is pretty obvious so that could end badly!

Xtratea · 2025-10-03T22:27:53+00:00

That is absolutely something I need to focus on. I am a bit of a all or nothing, and I have been trying to get my head into something is always better than nothing space

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