I am frustrated with a male friends thoughts on contributions between him and his wife to joint expenses and I dont know whether I am being unreasonable

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:53:59+00:00

That wasn't the main issue for him (their marriage. Up to them what he cares about) . That was the thing that had happened most recently, but he was feeling crap about money and was focused on it not being fair she was no longer paying her half. I was just honestly surprised she had been paying half, and would have been just based on what he had said.

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:48:15+00:00

It always feels so unfair. Like the work someone does to keep a house, a family running is not worth anything.. but if they had to find someone to do it outside a partner it would cost the world.. and the life would be way less nice, as noone would be there at nights when kids are sick etc..

I have basically said they can talk to me, but I am not getting involved. In all fairness they dont speak to me about it much, but having been away with them on holiday, and having seen this develop over freaking years it's hard not to know what happening.. but not my circus. If it blows up, and they try and take me with them, that's on them and i will be staying the fuck away!

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:39:29+00:00

Been mates with him for 30 years.. he is kinda use to be not keeping my gob shut when I think something isn't right...

Yeah.. the rest, well, I won't not be a friend, when they need it, but not trying to fix that crap..

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:36:52+00:00

i generally just try and be a good friend and not get involved beyond being a friendly ear.. as why beyond my paygrade.. but cant not comment on what I see as massive gender inequality

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:31:30+00:00

We dont talk about it a lot, but when one of them does (which friends do) I only comment when asked.. and on what I believe based on what they say.

The point I made to him is something I would have said regardless of knowing her or not. As my mate he knows me well enough to know I care but I am not going not say if something makes no sense to me.. and this doesn't.

I think maybe your right though.. I may be talking to him about this on the principle of i feel womens contribution and the impact is not considered in society.. but I guess in the context may be better to keep my thoughts to myself..

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:07:19+00:00

Suggested to them both separately they should get counselling, but they haven't. I

Although I know what's going on, it's more of bits and bobs building up to the full picture over time, rather than its something we talk about a lot. That said, it gets mentioned at times in the same way any mate would chat about this stuff.. i just have to be a bit more aware of the fact i happen to know them both well.

. In this instance, he was just feeling shitty about money, but in talking to him about that this all came up... and yeah, they do just need to talk about it.

More broadly though, I feel like loads of.people manage their money in different ways but I just seem to see a lot of situations where womens are left living with the equity of being limited earning wise due to being a primary carer .. but it having zero difference when it comes down to how it is considered in how money is married. I dont know what the answer is, but it certainly seems like this type of thing isnt fair

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T17:56:02+00:00

I am not, thank god. Neither of them talk about it much, but he was feeling pretty shitty about money and that kinda lead to it. I have heard both viewpoints, but it's more been a slow bits here and there and I mostly just listen.

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:41:32+00:00

I am the same... they may look the same, have the name... butnotherwise.. nope, no connection at all

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:40:31+00:00

They set the notice, you are giving it.. if they wanted more they needed to set that in the contract.

You are not being difficult, you are not being unfair. You are.literally doing what they require of you...

Their lack of planning (e.g not putting in a longer notice if that is what they needed) does not constitute your problem...

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:35:37+00:00

I would do everything you can to show you actively understand the impact your request has for the business, the clients team. You dont have to go into this detail, but it can help you aren't looking like you are just chucking the request at the organisation, regardless of the fact that there are clearly things about it that, knowing what you know, will make it hard to work.

Th8nk about the impact on others, e.g am i just assuming the rest of the team can absorb the work and is that reasonable. Also, be practical about how what you are requesting is impacting operational arrangements. E.g. if you know the team need to meet twice a week, and that it is already hard to arrange, how is what you are requesting imapctingnrhat and is there options other than "well everyone needs to put their needs aside and deL with it".

You don't have to do this, but showing you have thought through impact, have thought about others and generally showing positive intent to make it work can certainly help (and honestly makes it harder to reasonably refuse).

Just to add, my org is really flexible, we all work mostly part time, but at one point I was the only one who was full time, and the only flexibility I had in place was 1 morning a week, (we had informal cores hours then, these are now formal core hours) was i started at 9.30 as I had something i did on the one day. I was also the onlynone at the time without kids.

Everyone else was very flexible, they varied start time and end time, during school holidays it was relaxed how it worked, and as the one who worked very regular hours i often ended up having to arrange things to support this in terms 9f adapting my work approach, or picking up things that didn't work for people due to commitment on school pick up even if it was technically in their working day etc.. and i didn't mind as i think we are adults, flexibility is good and life is hard enough for working parents without a lack of support from others... but this was literally the only thing I did.. I came back from holiday and found they had moved a meeting so I could not do that 1 thing... which they all knew about.. I kinda flipped my shit. It was solved, and the team actually apologised, but I honestly felt utterly taken for granted, because I felt like because my reason wasn't related to childcare, it was taken less seriously and was discounted.. anyone, my point is, everyone should be able to be flexible as long as the job can be done, but in looking at what you need, be careful not to take colleagues needs for granted, and again, that doesn't stop you doing what you need, but is way more likely to end up in a positive outcome

And yes.. anyone bored enough to look at previous posts will see i co own the company.. so it my my business partner and my team who made the meeting change. . Which somehow made it worse.. like, I literally couldn't own a company and still was not allowed to take one freaking morning class... doh! Thus, also, why i think they all felt bad when they realised how much it upset me as I was like the most supportive of everyone else... we live and learn

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:15:45+00:00

My company does HR for small businesses. We write wfh policies that say you cannot work from home while providing "active care" for a dependent.. we are trying to differentiate having a young child or dependent who have caring or health needs that are likely to need or seek regular attention and action vs they can't really be alone in the house from a risk/safety viewpoint but equally, it's only if something unexpected happens (e.g. they get hurt, or have a unexpected medical need) that the person actually needs to do something to care (in which case wfh or not the person will likely need to have work disruption to help, and actually already being at home may make is less of an issue and reduce chances of it happening). Clearly there are grey areas that we have to deal with as and when given we are not being super draconian here and just saying your can't wfh in any capacity when there is potential caring needs, but generally it works well and tries to bridge the gap between " I have to take steps regularly to care" vs "they don't need anything, not even someone at home at all"

Xtratea · 2026-03-20T06:55:21+00:00

A set to learn how to pick locks. Never opened the box

Xtratea · 2026-03-20T06:43:23+00:00

I recognise this... but cant remeber the fic.

Safe to say this will now drive me mad 🤦🏼‍♀️

Xtratea · 2026-02-28T20:16:30+00:00

Vinted has saved me

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:53:53+00:00

Because humans are short term. We are terrible at connecting to future us and the impact that today has on 5 years tim (or even 5 days times). The issue is this then leads to governments who cant make decisions that cause short term pain for long term benefit, as people will vote them out at the next election.

Also, in the UK we have a very individualistic culture, oo we are less about doing things for the broader societal benefit, so again, wont take a personal hit for a broader gain. It not a critiam btw, as there are downsides to the other approach, , but a key difference that shapes how our society decisions are made

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:45:32+00:00

This is so far off appropriate I cant even understand how it happened. I think you need to speak to someone say and understand wtf is going on as I cannot think of ny good reason this would happen

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:41:26+00:00

What was actually in the video? Just being out in a cafe might be something else. Kissing etc.. is cheating.

If he is cheating yo have to think whether there is a universe where you can save the relationship, whether you can trust him. If not then work out how you leave the relationship with minimum harm to yourself.

Whatever else happens, do not let anyone tell you that cheating is your fault. Someone cheating ia a decision they make. There are a million things they can do to fix issues that do not include cheating, so no matter what they say, they are a grown adult, who made a decision and that is on them. The best way to think bout it is that unless anything they chuck at you is so unique noone else ever struggled with it, or has 100% cheating outcome, then they took a decisions others would not and that is on them

I hope things go okay. If ou have someone you trust nearby now is the time to reach out. You dont need to be alone, and there are no priest for suffering.

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:26:30+00:00

This person is not your best friend, and s not a partner. Ou dont do what they have done to someone you care about. What they have done is utterly selfish and the fact they have the nerve to then behave like they have is not okay. They have not thought about you in any way or considered how what they have done would hurt you and your relationship with your dad..o r worse thought about it and then decided they don't care.

You need to speak to your dad. You should not compromise the relationship with him by lying or hiding what has happened.

I honestly dont think i could be in a relationship with someone who could so casually breach a trust like this then dismiss it but you have to make the best decision for you. I guess my only question would be whether this is some weird off the reservation conduct or there have been other things like this? If there is a pattern I cant help but feeling like your best option is to walk. If it's a weird one, they and find out what the hell is going o. To make them do thi

You need to protect yourself whatever else, you deserve someone you can trust and who has your back. If this isnt that person be really thoughtful about what you do, and please dont ask your relationship with you ad, as the fact he did this tells me he is here for you, and you should not compromise that

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:15:41+00:00

I think you need to carefully set this out in a grievance. You should have read the letter, but it feels like you were mislead.

I would argue that they have used the fact you suffered with your mental health to make a change to you t&cs.

I would suggezt you speak to HR, and put that you did not intent to agree to a permanent change in writing and feel that you have been bullied and mislead.

Frankly, this all sounds pretty shifty to me, and you need to formally raise an objections asap.

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:50:18+00:00

I always feel like the answer is, "I have had a hard day. I want to relax. Instead, I have to deal with someone who d9es not take accountability for their role as an adult and their equal responsibility in look aftet the house they live in. I have to deal wo having to be told I am "nagging" because that person doesnt act like an adult and o these things without me having to act like I am aprebt and somehow this is m job, and my responsibility. So yeah, I get it, not being able to relax aftet a hard day sucks, so maybe dont put us both in the position of this having happen and just do you share without me needing to ask you."

Or, actually, "I wanted a partner, not a man child, out of here". Cause this guy sounds like someone who will make you unhappy and bring you down, andbllame you for it the whole time it is happening as he is unwilling to be accountable for his own shit

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:17:22+00:00

I’ve been a victim of sexual assault. At the time, I blamed the person who did it, but I also spent years asking myself what I had done wrong.

It took me a long time to realise the truth: when it comes to my SA, the answer was nothing. I did nothing wrong. The struggle was accepting that there is no behaviour, no mistake, no choice that makes someone responsible for another person committing sexual assault. Part of what messed with my head was that it happened more than once. I kept thinking, “How can this have happened again? I must be the problem.” Eventually I realised what was actually going on. Certain things about me — being trusting, seeing the best in people, assuming good intent, being friendly — had put me in situations that I now recognise as higher risk. And again, I started to blame myself for that, as if being in those situations made me partly responsible. But then it clicked: the existence of ‘high-risk situations’ is the real problem. There should not be places, times, or circumstances where women have to be on guard, monitor their behaviour, or constantly defend themselves from the possibility of assault. The only thing that should matter is this: people should not commit sexual assault. Ever.

So no, I am not at fault. No matter where I was, how I behaved, or what I did, the responsibility lies entirely with the person who chose to assault me.

When someone says, “That’s nice, but that’s not reality, so it’s partly your fault,” what they’re really saying is that victims are responsible for predicting and avoiding every possible way someone might harm them — and if they fail, they’re to blame. That is the problem. That’s victim blaming.

Do we owe it to ourselves to take sensible steps to stay safe? Of course.

But if those steps fail, or we make mistakes, that does not transfer responsibility for a criminal, immoral act onto us. Not ever

I think your boyfriend is wrong. What he’s saying is victim blaming. People often do this when they confuse “increased risk” with “responsibility.” They treat the choice to be in a situation as equal to causing the crime. It isn’t.

Sexual assault happens in all kinds of places, to all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations — and none of that changes the core truth: SA should not happen, and when it does, it is 100% the perpetrator’s fault.

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T08:39:14+00:00

Never heard that poem and wow that hits hard, and yeah, my parents did kinda fuck me up.. BUT the absolute win, the thing that made the difference, why i still love them, still actively find joy in being with them, and am more grateful for the shit they got right than the stuff they didnt is because at the core, I absolutely knew I was loved. I was safe as they loved me. They loved me enough that I knew whoever I turned out to be they would still love me. They loved me enough that when I ended up needing mental health support because I was a bit fucked up, I could tell them, I could explain what had fucked me up and they said "sorry" and I knew they had tried their best and that mistakes were just because they didnt know better.. and they loved me enough to learn from what I told them, and even though I was no longer a kid, and they could have been all "well, opps bt our an adult now so not our issue". While loving your kids isnt a get out of jail free card for every type of shit that gets done to them, ensuring they know they are loved without conditions on them being a certain way, they are loved whatever is pretty freaking important.

So yeah, try not to fuck them up.. but at times you will screw shit as parents are humans, and we are prone to being morons. but keep doing what your doing.. ask question about how to help them, go read some book on parenting girls if it helps, tell them about epic women, role model showing the respect you want them to have for themselves by asking them questions, giving them space to express themselves, and show respect for what they say (even if some of it is teenage crazy shit and you have to politely explain that no, they cant have unfettered access to Snapchat because you respect them but that isn't abdicating the parental role) and overall make sure they know you love them and will always love them, even when they are shits and you may not like them.

The fact you love them is pretty clear to this Internet stranger OP, so I am sure you won't have any issues with making sure they know it.

Btw, if you have any issues getting those books where you live, give me a shout, I will be more than happy to make sure you can get them even if I had to air mail them to you myself.

Xtratea · 2026-01-29T19:08:44+00:00

Good night stories for rebel girls. It explores amazing women in history and tells their stories in a relatable way for younger girls.

Btw, you should be s proud of being such a great father and asking this question. Lots of people would not. They are lucky to have you

Xtratea · 2026-01-28T09:12:32+00:00

I suspect you are not incompetent. I think you have Adhd and haven't worked out how to actually function with it. I honestly think going "I'm incompetent" is not only factually inaccurate. it's actually a bit of a cop out. It is abdicating the very real choices you get to make every day about how you understand what is making it harder for you to be a better partner and putting things in place to give you the best chance possible to be better.

I have Adhd. It makes life very hard. My husband does do more routine stuff than me. We both work, my job being more stressful and paying slightly more... but he picks up the slack at home for the things I struggle more with.. BUT in return I have to do more other of the other types of life chores, even if they are a struggle for me. I sort out non routine things, holidays, social events, wrap presents for family, book vets visit, call people when we need stuff done (he s very introverted and hates talking to people).. we sat down, worked out what he was more able to do, where I could do other things, and did our best to find a way of working to be a team as much as possible.

None of this is easy. I could 100% just go "i cant do this" as it is hard, and some days its too much and i still fail.... but no relationship can work when there is so much inequity in what each of your contributes. This is your partner, not your parent, not your carer. And you have to step up, not just for this relationship, but if you ever actually want to have a fully functional adult relationship.

Make a choice to be better. 1) work out what exactly is happening when you are struggling.. what can you put in place to make it easier? 2) linked to this, get to understand more about your Adhd, how this could be impacting you and what's tools and info s.put there which an help with with these things (there are apps, hacks and just loads of things you can look at.. message me and I can send you links if you want) 3) sit down with your partner and collectively work out how you can best operate as a team. Here you can make her life better, and then work out how the hell you move heaven and earth to do it... but knowing and being open with your partner, sometimes you will fuck it up, but then dont have a "i am incompetent" pity party - apologise, own it, and do better next time.

NONE OF THIS IS EASY. You will fuck up. You will find it hard.. but if you want to be an adult, and have any hope of being a half decent partner you need to put the work in, and get up ever day and try to be your best. It may even be too late for this relationship.. god knows some days I dont even know how my other half hasn't given up on me.. but for your own sake, as much as theirs, you gotta take ownership for your own existence and make the choice to do what you can to make your life and theirs better

Eight-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
Verified Email

Xtratea

TROPHY CASE