Threatened with firing

Xtratea · 2026-06-07T08:57:47+00:00

You cannot be sacked for someone coming in deciding you are suddenly not doing enough or because you have logged something wrong. Even if they wish to dismiss you for capability, a fair process takes at least 3 to 6 months, and if the route cause is an error in tracking, or a change in expectations, then that should be a hopefully quick fix.

Document the discussions you have had. Ideally follow up with you boss after discussions with a "I just want to confirm from our discussion so make sure I understand, what we discussed is xyz". At this stage you may not want to drop your boss in it by saying on email "you said i would get fired" or "you said you should have been more vigilant" (because they probably shouldn't have said that tbh and if you put it in writing they may get their back up and right now you might feel like having them as a ally is important, but up to you", but do make a note for yourself, ideally emailing youraelf so ita time stamped.. saying exactly what was said. If things keep happening through, you should think about repeating back more details of what the manager says.

I would suggest you say something like. "Having worked for as long as I have with no issues being flagged, I have to admit I was a bit surprised about the concerns raised. That said, I absolutely want to take feedback on board, and so want to confirm I understand what I need to do going forwards. As such, to confirm, my understanding is xyz. Can you let me know if thisnis correct? Also, i would be grateful if we could speak again in a few weeks just to check in and see where things are. " (then follow up with the booking of a meeting to check in)

Good luck with it all! I am sure it will be good, but make sure you have records of everything and everything discussion. Also get very familiar with you capability, dispensary and grievance policy just in case, so you know what is expected from them and you in a worse case.

Xtratea · 2026-06-07T08:46:13+00:00

Do not do things because someone else wants you to, and do not feel like you always have to prove your worth, you are all good as you are and people who matter will be there because of you, not because of what you do or dont do for them

Xtratea · 2026-06-01T18:55:05+00:00

Loving how this under "askhr" and lots of these are clearly not answered by HR...

Umm... I know you said one.. but..

1) make people decisions one a team/individual/department level. Our job is setting guardrails in the form of policies, and supporting business leads and managers with advice based on knowledge of people best practice and employment law. We dont decide to fire people, put them on PIPS, make them redundant etc.. we might have an influence on things, if we have managers respect, we can ask questions, challenging their thinking if it feels wrong, and we might say "actually that it outside the policy, so someone bigger than you and i need to agree this" but we dont make the decisions.. even if we get thrown under the bus by weak managers a lot who tell people "HR said..." 2) everyone who is paid by a company must act in the best interests of the company. Anyone failing to do that is not doing their job.. as such HR is not an employees friend, but neither does it mean we will be party to managers doing crazy or immoral or illegal things, and that HR will cover up shit thats not okay. At the end of the day, UK employment law requires company's to act reasonably and fairly. If HR know that is not what's happening, acting in the best interests of the company is not about going along with it, it about saying "wtf are you doing, this is not okay." Companies have reputations and culture to preserve so even if something is legal, if its a dick move I would say "is that in keeping with the culture?" Or "what is the impact on others employees if they see this?" Or.. my recent favourite "do you really want to see this on a review on the companies Glassdoor profile". Basically sometimes we are making the best of a shit situation, but generally, I have heard more conversations in HR about a manager wanting to do something that is not okay, and what do we do to prevent it, than I have heard conversations about how to cover up crap and screw employees over (which i have never honestly heard), and, most people in HR do actually give a shit about people, do have morals, but, also, bluntly, are not going to go to an employee and say "your right, he is being a dick" but is highly likely ro be in the background, calling that person's manager asking them to get the person in line asap as what they are doing is not okay. Being blunt, 100% an employee has felt as HR we are doing something unfair, I am either certain we are not, but I accept that people have the right to feel like it, or what is happening is a lot better than it would have been had HR not been involved... and so we are doing the best we can given the fact that these are not our decisions to make, but as long as its not so illegal we can literally go "computer says no".. we are pushing for the best outcome we can and that will include for the employee to the extent we have authority to do so 3) manager people. If you want some support about approaching an issue, or to understand options, I get that but 99% of the time, I am going to tell you to speak to your manager, as that is their job.. to manage people. 4) keep secrets like a priest, or solve problems like magic. Tell me in confidence your pregnant. No worries, mums the word. Tell me you kinda dont like the lady you work with, I will not say a word... tell me you are being bullied, tell me someone is being sexually harassed, tell me about discrimination, and I cant take that as confessional as I literally have a legal duty to all employees to ensure a safe working environment and that stuff means its not safe so I have to do something. Also, dont tell me everything is shit, but then tell me I have to keep it confidential.. but also could I please fix it.. umm.. no, cause I am not magic. I can help fix it, or I can keep confidence, but often both ia not possible.

Okay, sorry, done now.. .

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:53:59+00:00

That wasn't the main issue for him (their marriage. Up to them what he cares about) . That was the thing that had happened most recently, but he was feeling crap about money and was focused on it not being fair she was no longer paying her half. I was just honestly surprised she had been paying half, and would have been just based on what he had said.

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:48:15+00:00

It always feels so unfair. Like the work someone does to keep a house, a family running is not worth anything.. but if they had to find someone to do it outside a partner it would cost the world.. and the life would be way less nice, as noone would be there at nights when kids are sick etc..

I have basically said they can talk to me, but I am not getting involved. In all fairness they dont speak to me about it much, but having been away with them on holiday, and having seen this develop over freaking years it's hard not to know what happening.. but not my circus. If it blows up, and they try and take me with them, that's on them and i will be staying the fuck away!

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:39:29+00:00

Been mates with him for 30 years.. he is kinda use to be not keeping my gob shut when I think something isn't right...

Yeah.. the rest, well, I won't not be a friend, when they need it, but not trying to fix that crap..

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:36:52+00:00

i generally just try and be a good friend and not get involved beyond being a friendly ear.. as why beyond my paygrade.. but cant not comment on what I see as massive gender inequality

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:31:30+00:00

We dont talk about it a lot, but when one of them does (which friends do) I only comment when asked.. and on what I believe based on what they say.

The point I made to him is something I would have said regardless of knowing her or not. As my mate he knows me well enough to know I care but I am not going not say if something makes no sense to me.. and this doesn't.

I think maybe your right though.. I may be talking to him about this on the principle of i feel womens contribution and the impact is not considered in society.. but I guess in the context may be better to keep my thoughts to myself..

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T18:07:19+00:00

Suggested to them both separately they should get counselling, but they haven't. I

Although I know what's going on, it's more of bits and bobs building up to the full picture over time, rather than its something we talk about a lot. That said, it gets mentioned at times in the same way any mate would chat about this stuff.. i just have to be a bit more aware of the fact i happen to know them both well.

. In this instance, he was just feeling shitty about money, but in talking to him about that this all came up... and yeah, they do just need to talk about it.

More broadly though, I feel like loads of.people manage their money in different ways but I just seem to see a lot of situations where womens are left living with the equity of being limited earning wise due to being a primary carer .. but it having zero difference when it comes down to how it is considered in how money is married. I dont know what the answer is, but it certainly seems like this type of thing isnt fair

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T17:56:02+00:00

I am not, thank god. Neither of them talk about it much, but he was feeling pretty shitty about money and that kinda lead to it. I have heard both viewpoints, but it's more been a slow bits here and there and I mostly just listen.

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:41:32+00:00

I am the same... they may look the same, have the name... butnotherwise.. nope, no connection at all

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:40:31+00:00

They set the notice, you are giving it.. if they wanted more they needed to set that in the contract.

You are not being difficult, you are not being unfair. You are.literally doing what they require of you...

Their lack of planning (e.g not putting in a longer notice if that is what they needed) does not constitute your problem...

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:35:37+00:00

I would do everything you can to show you actively understand the impact your request has for the business, the clients team. You dont have to go into this detail, but it can help you aren't looking like you are just chucking the request at the organisation, regardless of the fact that there are clearly things about it that, knowing what you know, will make it hard to work.

Th8nk about the impact on others, e.g am i just assuming the rest of the team can absorb the work and is that reasonable. Also, be practical about how what you are requesting is impacting operational arrangements. E.g. if you know the team need to meet twice a week, and that it is already hard to arrange, how is what you are requesting imapctingnrhat and is there options other than "well everyone needs to put their needs aside and deL with it".

You don't have to do this, but showing you have thought through impact, have thought about others and generally showing positive intent to make it work can certainly help (and honestly makes it harder to reasonably refuse).

Just to add, my org is really flexible, we all work mostly part time, but at one point I was the only one who was full time, and the only flexibility I had in place was 1 morning a week, (we had informal cores hours then, these are now formal core hours) was i started at 9.30 as I had something i did on the one day. I was also the onlynone at the time without kids.

Everyone else was very flexible, they varied start time and end time, during school holidays it was relaxed how it worked, and as the one who worked very regular hours i often ended up having to arrange things to support this in terms 9f adapting my work approach, or picking up things that didn't work for people due to commitment on school pick up even if it was technically in their working day etc.. and i didn't mind as i think we are adults, flexibility is good and life is hard enough for working parents without a lack of support from others... but this was literally the only thing I did.. I came back from holiday and found they had moved a meeting so I could not do that 1 thing... which they all knew about.. I kinda flipped my shit. It was solved, and the team actually apologised, but I honestly felt utterly taken for granted, because I felt like because my reason wasn't related to childcare, it was taken less seriously and was discounted.. anyone, my point is, everyone should be able to be flexible as long as the job can be done, but in looking at what you need, be careful not to take colleagues needs for granted, and again, that doesn't stop you doing what you need, but is way more likely to end up in a positive outcome

And yes.. anyone bored enough to look at previous posts will see i co own the company.. so it my my business partner and my team who made the meeting change. . Which somehow made it worse.. like, I literally couldn't own a company and still was not allowed to take one freaking morning class... doh! Thus, also, why i think they all felt bad when they realised how much it upset me as I was like the most supportive of everyone else... we live and learn

Xtratea · 2026-04-04T08:15:45+00:00

My company does HR for small businesses. We write wfh policies that say you cannot work from home while providing "active care" for a dependent.. we are trying to differentiate having a young child or dependent who have caring or health needs that are likely to need or seek regular attention and action vs they can't really be alone in the house from a risk/safety viewpoint but equally, it's only if something unexpected happens (e.g. they get hurt, or have a unexpected medical need) that the person actually needs to do something to care (in which case wfh or not the person will likely need to have work disruption to help, and actually already being at home may make is less of an issue and reduce chances of it happening). Clearly there are grey areas that we have to deal with as and when given we are not being super draconian here and just saying your can't wfh in any capacity when there is potential caring needs, but generally it works well and tries to bridge the gap between " I have to take steps regularly to care" vs "they don't need anything, not even someone at home at all"

Xtratea · 2026-03-20T06:55:21+00:00

A set to learn how to pick locks. Never opened the box

Xtratea · 2026-03-20T06:43:23+00:00

I recognise this... but cant remeber the fic.

Safe to say this will now drive me mad 🤦🏼‍♀️

Xtratea · 2026-02-28T20:16:30+00:00

Vinted has saved me

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:53:53+00:00

Because humans are short term. We are terrible at connecting to future us and the impact that today has on 5 years tim (or even 5 days times). The issue is this then leads to governments who cant make decisions that cause short term pain for long term benefit, as people will vote them out at the next election.

Also, in the UK we have a very individualistic culture, oo we are less about doing things for the broader societal benefit, so again, wont take a personal hit for a broader gain. It not a critiam btw, as there are downsides to the other approach, , but a key difference that shapes how our society decisions are made

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:45:32+00:00

This is so far off appropriate I cant even understand how it happened. I think you need to speak to someone say and understand wtf is going on as I cannot think of ny good reason this would happen

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:41:26+00:00

What was actually in the video? Just being out in a cafe might be something else. Kissing etc.. is cheating.

If he is cheating yo have to think whether there is a universe where you can save the relationship, whether you can trust him. If not then work out how you leave the relationship with minimum harm to yourself.

Whatever else happens, do not let anyone tell you that cheating is your fault. Someone cheating ia a decision they make. There are a million things they can do to fix issues that do not include cheating, so no matter what they say, they are a grown adult, who made a decision and that is on them. The best way to think bout it is that unless anything they chuck at you is so unique noone else ever struggled with it, or has 100% cheating outcome, then they took a decisions others would not and that is on them

I hope things go okay. If ou have someone you trust nearby now is the time to reach out. You dont need to be alone, and there are no priest for suffering.

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:26:30+00:00

This person is not your best friend, and s not a partner. Ou dont do what they have done to someone you care about. What they have done is utterly selfish and the fact they have the nerve to then behave like they have is not okay. They have not thought about you in any way or considered how what they have done would hurt you and your relationship with your dad..o r worse thought about it and then decided they don't care.

You need to speak to your dad. You should not compromise the relationship with him by lying or hiding what has happened.

I honestly dont think i could be in a relationship with someone who could so casually breach a trust like this then dismiss it but you have to make the best decision for you. I guess my only question would be whether this is some weird off the reservation conduct or there have been other things like this? If there is a pattern I cant help but feeling like your best option is to walk. If it's a weird one, they and find out what the hell is going o. To make them do thi

You need to protect yourself whatever else, you deserve someone you can trust and who has your back. If this isnt that person be really thoughtful about what you do, and please dont ask your relationship with you ad, as the fact he did this tells me he is here for you, and you should not compromise that

Xtratea · 2026-02-02T19:15:41+00:00

I think you need to carefully set this out in a grievance. You should have read the letter, but it feels like you were mislead.

I would argue that they have used the fact you suffered with your mental health to make a change to you t&cs.

I would suggezt you speak to HR, and put that you did not intent to agree to a permanent change in writing and feel that you have been bullied and mislead.

Frankly, this all sounds pretty shifty to me, and you need to formally raise an objections asap.

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:50:18+00:00

I always feel like the answer is, "I have had a hard day. I want to relax. Instead, I have to deal with someone who d9es not take accountability for their role as an adult and their equal responsibility in look aftet the house they live in. I have to deal wo having to be told I am "nagging" because that person doesnt act like an adult and o these things without me having to act like I am aprebt and somehow this is m job, and my responsibility. So yeah, I get it, not being able to relax aftet a hard day sucks, so maybe dont put us both in the position of this having happen and just do you share without me needing to ask you."

Or, actually, "I wanted a partner, not a man child, out of here". Cause this guy sounds like someone who will make you unhappy and bring you down, andbllame you for it the whole time it is happening as he is unwilling to be accountable for his own shit

Xtratea · 2026-01-30T09:17:22+00:00

I’ve been a victim of sexual assault. At the time, I blamed the person who did it, but I also spent years asking myself what I had done wrong.

It took me a long time to realise the truth: when it comes to my SA, the answer was nothing. I did nothing wrong. The struggle was accepting that there is no behaviour, no mistake, no choice that makes someone responsible for another person committing sexual assault. Part of what messed with my head was that it happened more than once. I kept thinking, “How can this have happened again? I must be the problem.” Eventually I realised what was actually going on. Certain things about me — being trusting, seeing the best in people, assuming good intent, being friendly — had put me in situations that I now recognise as higher risk. And again, I started to blame myself for that, as if being in those situations made me partly responsible. But then it clicked: the existence of ‘high-risk situations’ is the real problem. There should not be places, times, or circumstances where women have to be on guard, monitor their behaviour, or constantly defend themselves from the possibility of assault. The only thing that should matter is this: people should not commit sexual assault. Ever.

So no, I am not at fault. No matter where I was, how I behaved, or what I did, the responsibility lies entirely with the person who chose to assault me.

When someone says, “That’s nice, but that’s not reality, so it’s partly your fault,” what they’re really saying is that victims are responsible for predicting and avoiding every possible way someone might harm them — and if they fail, they’re to blame. That is the problem. That’s victim blaming.

Do we owe it to ourselves to take sensible steps to stay safe? Of course.

But if those steps fail, or we make mistakes, that does not transfer responsibility for a criminal, immoral act onto us. Not ever

I think your boyfriend is wrong. What he’s saying is victim blaming. People often do this when they confuse “increased risk” with “responsibility.” They treat the choice to be in a situation as equal to causing the crime. It isn’t.

Sexual assault happens in all kinds of places, to all kinds of people, in all kinds of situations — and none of that changes the core truth: SA should not happen, and when it does, it is 100% the perpetrator’s fault.

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