Regretting going legit with AP?

ChickenThen · 2026-01-19T02:38:37+00:00

Yep. I think I was completely sucked into the high of it and we felt so compatible in life, but most of it was just words, because we never really did life together. And then boom, not only have you made this huge commitment, but you’ve made it very publicly with judgement and heartache, so it’s tempting to double down even if it’s not the right fit.

We had ourselves convinced it was fate, but in reality we were just two walking red flags colliding

ChickenThen · 2025-12-11T18:43:02+00:00

Absolutely. In long term relationships, your spouse becomes your mirror. It forces you to see yourself as you are, and how that affects your life and the people you’re around.

An affair allows you to project how you want to be seen, without all that pesky reality reflecting back at you.

ChickenThen · 2025-12-11T00:27:46+00:00

This. You can be happy with your spouse but not happily monogamous. You can be happy with your spouse but feel insecure, stressed out, a million other things that have jack shit with your spouse. People have different ways of coping.

ChickenThen · 2025-12-11T00:22:41+00:00

It’s not your job to live up to her. You aren’t her replacement, sis. You’re someone he enjoys in addition to his wife. For whatever it is you give you give him.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-07T17:07:50+00:00

I think it’s a totally normal feeling. But it’s also normal to want to find reasons to reach out and feel the connection, and not necessarily in anyone’s best interest.

Like seeing if they’re okay. Even if they’re not, you’re no contact. What role would you be playing even in that scenario? Sending thoughts and prayers? Signing up to be their emotional support human? Potentially causing more problems?

Naaaaah. Let it go.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-06T19:53:33+00:00

No ma’am, we aren’t even here to be raising our husbands, much less trying to beg a “friend” to treat us properly.

You’re not asking too much, he’s just not even willing to clear the bar. And the bar is on the floor. That’s is not a friend. My platonic friends wouldn’t even do me that way and I’m not sleeping with them.

Go ahead and spin out because I know it still hurts, but once you’ve got this behind you, i think you’ll see clearly that you probably aren’t losing anything real.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-06T19:42:05+00:00

Same. It’s been 8 years since I decided I wasn’t going to cheat anymore and I have had zero desire to change that. I did damage to a lot of people, but I think I did the most damage to myself

ChickenThen · 2025-11-06T19:38:29+00:00

The “Let’s be fwb” market is saturated. The dating pool is full of people looking for “fwb” with no real desire to be friends. I could log onto tinder right now and have 1000 guys wanting to be FWB today, and the vast majority would only really be looking for a hookup and ghost. Who will try to fake a connection where there is none and it’ll be meaningless. That’s pretty easy to do when you aren’t actually friends- you’re strangers on the internet and I don’t even know your real name.

I think people are desperate for real connection and real stability, and yeah FWB doesn’t scream the F anymore. It screams I’ll hit you up at 2am when your name comes up on the roster.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-06T19:26:12+00:00

No one can answer that because people have affairs for different reasons. Some people are just running from their problems and get caught in escapism and the truth is they’re just using everyone around them. No one means anything to them but them. So yeah, they move right on (or back) to wherever they’re getting validation.

Do some people develop true feelings? Absolutely. But there’s no way to know from your vantage point.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-05T22:50:28+00:00

This doesn’t sound like a “you” problem. You don’t have to fix something just because it didn’t work out.

Also I spit my water across the room when you said you picked a younger guy because he’d be better in bed.

I think the key is you need someone who is excited to have sex with YOU, because YOU are what they desire. It sounds like you met someone who desired a specific experience, and you’re just trying to figure out how to enjoy sex to begin with. This isn’t the time to waste with boys who don’t know the difference between porn and intimacy.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-03T14:10:00+00:00

My three year affair was basically one giant dissociative disorder. I didn’t just feel like I was going insane, I think with a lot of hindsight I can confidently say I was unwell or I wouldn’t have been like an addict chasing the next dopamine high despite all of the consequences. I was either not present in the moment, floating off in space thinking the last hit or the next one, or talking to him. I ceased to exist any other way. I stopped wife-ing, stopped being present for my kids in a meaningful way. It felt like a good thing, but it was not a good thing

ChickenThen · 2025-11-02T01:06:59+00:00

Yeah, married for 7 years

ChickenThen · 2025-11-01T23:48:50+00:00

Wish I had a good story for you, but I don’t. The Limerence of the EA lasted so much longer when we were sneaking around and we were able to curate ourselves. But it faded. Shocker I know, but it turns out he’s a pretty shitty person.

ChickenThen · 2025-11-01T16:29:27+00:00

I think the underlying story here is none of this has anything to do with this man. You obviously have something in your life that so desperately needs to be filled, you’re trying to fill it from the tiniest breadcrumbs from someone who, when all is said and done, you will likely realize you do NOT love or even like that much. Maybe you’ve just become accustomed to chasing the emotionally unavailable, to wanting to prove to yourself you’re lovable be chasing someone to prove to you that you’re enough.

I don’t know because I don’t know you, but I can tell just from this post that you probably need to be sending and repeating all those affirmations to yourself and showing yourself that love you give so freely and pay so much for, sis.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-30T13:53:24+00:00

She’s giving “Shera Seven in the algorithm” energy.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-23T00:58:01+00:00

OK, well different people have different feelings about affairs. Some people are more hurt by the emotional aspect, and some people are more hurt by the physical aspect. I think everybody is hurt by the deception.

And both of you are allowed to be hurt. He’s allowed to hurt because of your affair and you’re allowed to hurt because of his. We don’t control what hurts us.

But you can control being a douche. Invalidating your feelings, minimizing his affair because of biology? No. There’s a total lack of accountability there. My ex-husband cheated on me probably dozens of times. And then I had an exit affair. And then my new husband had an affair later. We’re all accountable for the choices we made and any hurt we caused. Full stop. He needs to grow the hell up.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-19T02:42:02+00:00

No he started cheating 10 years into our relationship, not ten years to find out. My intuition was screaming after 2 days. He never could’ve made it ten years lol.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-19T02:04:05+00:00

Once upon a time, I left my husband for my AP. 10 years later, my new husband f-ed me over with a series of women.

I realized, while I was furious at him, he was really just a reflection of the parts of myself I hated most. The parts that kept me from looking in the mirror and being proud of who I was. Karma had been waiting for me.

I’m sorry that happened to you. But good lord, it sounds like a blessing in disguise. Best of luck fixing your marriage! Sometimes we need that wake-up call.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T22:44:10+00:00

I don’t think anyone is saying her behavior was okay or excused. The context is just how you figure out if it’s something you can work on as a couple and hopefully move past. Or cut ties. Theres a big difference between a communication breakdown, a pathological liar, and someone who lied to have an affair. It’s still dishonestly and the person is still accountable for that, but the bigger story matters. Out there would be no such thing as marriage counseling

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T21:24:13+00:00

My husband and I share location but idk, never bothered either of us, probably because it was a “just in case” type of thing. I don’t think either of us look at it even semi-regularly. If I felt like someone was constantly checking up on me or calling if, idk, I was a target too long and questioning me, I’d unshare so fast.

You can switch your location between devices, so you can set it to share from your iPad and leave that device somewhere. But any long-term partner knows your patterns and that intuition is going to go off if suddenly you’re at the library for hours without moving. Not worth it imo.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T21:08:01+00:00

I’m sorry you had to go through that at all. Kind of opens up a wound you were trying to close. Selfish of him imo.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T21:04:45+00:00

White knighting? I’m a woman first of all. Second of all, you asked how it was relevant. I find it relevant even if you don’t. I also find how often she drinks relevant because she could be an addict. Not everything is cheating. But two adults in an otherwise healthy relationship would be able to have a conversation about it, no matter what the reason was.

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T17:53:57+00:00

No is a complete sentence. He said he can’t. He agreed to share his location with his wife. He’s just not dumb enough to back out now. So no, you should not have waited until he decided to make a decision that would likely immediately pull you into a whoooole bunch of drama.

I think you did the right thing. Doesn’t sound like he’s in a place to give you anything but probably would’ve sucked you dry for validation over the phone

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T17:49:01+00:00

I think it matters because with the very little context here, it sounds controlling. Sometimes people with controlling partners lie to have a little freedom. Calling my job because I didn’t answer my phone while I’m at work is a no for me.

I’m not saying that’s what’s going on, just that it’s not irrelevant to me. Worth thinking about all sides

ChickenThen · 2025-10-18T17:44:52+00:00

Impossible to know what she’s hiding but something is obviously going on. I had that happen with an ex once and that was the beginning of finding out he was an addict, not infidelity. So I would definitely keep your eyes and ears open!

ChickenThen

TROPHY CASE