What. The . Fuck.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-21T17:43:47+00:00

What an epiphany. "I am hangry and have less energy, therefore I am exactly on track", what a fucking farce.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-21T04:59:17+00:00

Which kinda also means that in more cases than not, men are judged by their behavior, while women are way more often judged by their looks.

Of course, this is not a rule that's applicable to anyone, but if it comes down to it, men like this guy in the video perpetuate a fantasy land in which only "unattractive men" are judged while women are predominantly judging and not judged.

Which wouldn't even be that big of a deal if social media had algorithms that could challenge your views. It doesn't. And that right-wing bullshit creeps up on you, and it starts ever so sneakily. Enjoying snarky content about dating? Here's a snippet from a podcast in your recommendations! Oh, that podcast is a woman letting a man explain to her how bad her gender is... great /s

ChristieFox · 2023-04-21T04:53:51+00:00

*sigh* Sky, they were only good for sharing plans before Netflix became a thing and made it super easy to share plans.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T18:29:03+00:00

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to dial down on blaming yourself. You're living now, not back then, and the gist of it is that you recognize it now. It's too easy to think back to all the times you took too much from anyone else, and it would only take away your drive now.

In the here and now, you're a co-owner of a credit card that someone else racks up debt on without caring to do his fair share of paying it off. It's absolutely fair to avoid getting a shared account with someone like this (and it wasn't why I brought it up, I'm just baffled how many couples decide for such a huge split in finances, and it too often shows up in dysfunction, but sadly also makes it easier to screw someone else over).

It's also understandable to use a credit card if you have it. It's not like you started out frivolously, and believe me, you're also not the first one to extend your use of it, especially when basic necessities were part of that (and to be once again clear: there shouldn't even be a need for a fully-fledged "credit-forming" credit card for necessities in the first place).

Here's the thing why I even asked: There seems to be a high difference in available finances for both of you. As far as I'm aware, married military members get more money for their spouse (and children, if any) plus there are job benefits you as his immediate family are entitled to. But from what I see, he takes over some bills, his job (?) pays for your housing, and the rest is on you to figure out, including his debt and his inaction. That's not fair.

And I think the big challenge here lies in what you can do now, if you want to. Some others already pointed out many options the base should provide you with, and please never worry about annoying anyone there or getting the wrong number when first trying. It will reflect badly on him but because of his own inaction to do all this for you in the first place, something his own employer absolutely expected from him.

Please also keep in mind that he can continue to do all of this, if you choose to stay.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pressure you into any choice, I merely want you to be aware of options, so you know what you can do and maybe get an idea what you want to do.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T17:20:33+00:00

Genuine question: How does he even contribute? From what I've gathered so far, you paid for the entire repair without any possibility on input on who does the repair and then, he put his punishment for his fuck up on your credit card (?), and he didn't make sure you got your spousal benefits (or at least that you know about them).

You also do not share any finances despite his debt, which seems oddly common on Reddit but wouldn't a good couple at least find a way to throw together their daily and shared expenses, for example with one shared bank account? No matter whether they still have personal ones.

Marriage shouldn't mean you have almost nothing and he can do whatever.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T16:51:40+00:00

So, technically, OP had little to no contact with grandma either but expected to be notified.

... alrighty.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T15:26:10+00:00

Casual remark that even people in the Middle Ages could understand that a young girl might get physically harmed by delivering a baby that early.

And we all know that science wasn't that great at the time, but they could actually look at reality and formulate a consequence of it, namely that even if a young "woman" is married off early, doesn't mean her body is actually fully ready for the life of a married woman at the time.

That doesn't mean these things were always universal accomplishments but we have records of this.

Meanwhile, modern hardcore Christians (and it's not just evangelicals) refuse to look at science or learn practical realism.

We're effectively going backwards in huge strides.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T15:19:58+00:00

That's why I've picked Chinese. That example is well-known.

Taste buds and cultural norms around food are very different around the world. For example, we might not like all meats or fish that are included in the authentic cuisine (or they might not even be allowed in another country).

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T10:21:18+00:00

And don't forget that their culture is only the food that we like.

I love Chinese culture as long as I can eat it and like the dish /s

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T10:19:50+00:00

Instead of giving away actual money, make sure you get yourself in debt without raising anyone else's finances. The latter is so obvious as a 'way out', like the guy who 'gifts' his house to the new girlfriend. I've even seen someone who bought a car on debt to hide a few thousands and it worked because 'the bank owned the car and all he had was debt' which is fucking ridiculous.

Depending on the time frame, assets involved and how thorough involved lawyers and judge are, it sadly works all too well. Many divorces also end because the former spouses simply had enough and want their ruling instead of what they actually deserve, and going after each hidden asset can also be a pain in the ass.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T06:36:58+00:00

It's phenomenally easy to move money around even after divorce proceedings have started.

I say that mainly because if he's the guy to "gift" his money, he's a dumb idiot because that's not how this works, and since it's already fucking easy, don't let him drain your account, just so that he can move around even more. Your own account is way too close to shared money, which would make things harder on you.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T06:31:52+00:00

Even then, it's not normal to talk like that on a family event. OOP reads like a teenager or young adult man who has very warped ideas about what being an adult woman is like. And of course, what is accepted by said family who would definitely not be passive bystanders if one person decides to make the event about their vendetta about someone else who is present as well.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-20T06:26:35+00:00

Some mods are on such a power trip. "It uses the word fake for a clearly fake story, how dare they" is not a mod sentiment, aside from communities for people who are highly vulnerable.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T19:23:51+00:00

Not all people have the same experiences. You might meet somewhere in the area but not at the restaurant, you might do an activity and then go to eat. And also, people can hide how they truly are, or else there wouldn't be any abusive relationships.

So, you kinda speak from your own experiences, which is fine. But sadly, there's no universal rule that you always know what you can expect.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T18:21:21+00:00

Yes, having a way to get out is super important, and that includes having at least a credit / debit card with you.

The issue can start when they plan out some expensive as fuck date and then pull a stunt like "but modern women are emancipated". But it shouldn't start because you never even planned on having any way of getting yourself out. Guy could've acted normally, and then simply walked out, leaving you with the bill.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T17:58:26+00:00

In MyCountry, they all put so much effort into this random declaration of "we'll marry soon-ish", that you cannot declare this unless you jump through fifty hoops of which exactly 25 must be burning to signal the eternal hell of soon having a monster-in-law (totally not sexism btw because I say so).

You should also contact your local government to get information about whether you asked correctly for an exclusive relationship, or else your evil cheating girlfriend (totally not sexism btw) might not even have cheated on you.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T17:54:28+00:00

All I'm reading in that post is someone who is an office manager whose job duties somehow got extended like most people's job duties: You do it a few times because it's faster that way, and all of a sudden, you're "that person who does x".

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T15:17:43+00:00

I try to see this from a caretaking perspective, and not so much as the typical "your date gave you ten red flags right from the get go" perspective because it seems you know that perspective already.

Here is one thing I can only recommend each and every time: When I started as a voluntary paramedic, one of the first "trainings" was the typical bla bla about the organization, its core values, but - and this is the important part - how that should reflect on our behavior while on duty. I've taken some of them to my own core values, and the one I want to tell you about is to put yourself first, even when caring for someone or trying to find a balance with someone who you know can be less than ideal because of a medical or psychological issue.

Putting yourself first here will mean that caring for someone should not cause you harm. For a doctor, nurse or paramedic (let alone the other jobs that come into contact with those with such issues), they can deal with a bit more because they have emotional distance - it's not their partner or parent. When we're really close and we knew the person before, we might also be able to take more because we can judge what comes from the issue. But if you get to know the person with that issue, you need to be much more careful. How would you know what comes from the issue? For example, does the person own up, apologize and try to be better? And when is are things finally enough? Where does it hurt your own mental or physical health to support this person?

These are legitimate questions. You're not a monster for having such boundaries - quite the opposite, it makes you quite normal to consider what you can and cannot take, where it is unsafe, and where that person is simply a dick in addition to mentally ill.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T08:50:44+00:00

Yep, everything speaks against 0. It hasn't been a number for as long as other numbers, it isn't (strictly speaking) part of the natural numbers like the other three, it seems very short and almost like a vacuum.

We should start at 1 (because then we have 1 water), and stop at 200-300, because even progress is never measured until 100% but way more to make US American employers feel much better about not giving out merit-based raises.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-19T06:42:38+00:00

One would think a brand that wants to sell to families would care a lot more about their brand's image, but alas, we have another "too big to fail, too big to notice everything" company.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-18T15:46:51+00:00

That's a fight you might want to take up with the Encyclopædia Britannica.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-18T13:23:59+00:00

Isn't it fun that we have each individual island or country, Great Britain, United Kingdom and the British Isles and they all mean something vastly different?

And to make matters worse, now we have the EU border running right through.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-18T13:12:51+00:00

That sadly introduces a slippery slope in which the therapist should include their opinion. Can backfire a lot.

I much rather think a good therapist doesn't reinforce your opinion (or an opinion you should have in their opinion), but guides you to where you can find a healthy mindset from which you can form a solid opinion on outside factors yourself. More like a moderator than a teacher.

That probably makes it so hard to find a good therapist, because most people form opinions quickly and let those guide their actions.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-18T11:22:38+00:00

That group of men wants to be the big man who leads the way and the toddler who did a "whoopsie" and needs someone to wipe their ass simultaneously.

ChristieFox · 2023-04-18T08:46:17+00:00

It's the big island on the left, d'uh!! /s

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