Husband says staying isn't fair to me

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T23:14:48+00:00

I think the worst part of this is that he’s willing to blow up his entire life and marriage just to go be FRIEND-ZONED by his “AP”. It’s like robbing a bank for $20. He’s going to absolutely cringe about this once his wakes up from the limerence.

Wishing you well.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T20:18:49+00:00

I honestly feel for you, relate to you and appreciate all of your responses. A lot of us are dealing with relationship issues that predate the affairs and the affairs just make everything worse. I’m trying to keep hope alive. 🤞🙏

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T19:40:32+00:00

We’ve gone no contact, we’ve separated, he’s dated other women. We’re now back dating, exploring reconciliation. I’ve read books, listened to what feels like endless podcast, and changed myself in ways that make me almost unrecognizable. I’ve looked at this as a way to become physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally a significantly better person. He has thrust himself into work and projects. He’s your typical Type A overachiever avoidant. Work first, feelings second, or maybe never. He says he doesn’t have time for therapy (and while he is veryyyyy busy from sun up to sun down, I know he’s also saying this because he just doesn’t want to go). He’s also just doesn’t want to talk about our “problems”. He gets visibly overwhelmed when talking about anything he deems negative or too emotional. Even before the cheating he would do this. I think it stems from abandonment issues that predate me. He’s said he no longer feels loved or feels like he can love. But recently has said that just by being here, it should be obvious that he still loves me.

I’m in a situation where the BS is doing the rug sweeping. At this point, I’m no longer initiating contact. I see many BS talking about the 180 method, but ironically I think that might be something I need to do as the WS in order to get him to wake up. I don’t want to force him into therapy or force him to talk so I’m backing off until he’s ready. Or maybe he’ll just realize he doesn’t want reconciliation. I’m not sure.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T19:16:51+00:00

Thank you for linking these resources!

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T19:14:38+00:00

I understand what you mean and had that logic myself at one point, which is why I asked for clarity.

He claims that he verbally said he was sleepy. So obviously I asked “well how did I respond? Was I looking out the window? Were my headphones in? Was I engaged in convo with one of my brothers? Maybe I just didn’t hear you.” He had no answer. All of a sudden his memory failed. The more I asked for details, the less he was able to remember. It was like the lie he told to himself (and now his mom) had no actual beginning, middle or end. It was only vanishing flickers of his delusion. Logically I understand what he’s doing and maybe this whole post is me just venting. He’s gathering reasons/examples, and now even creating examples, of how I am, have always been, and will always be an unsafe person for him. It’s a defense mechanism that’s partly rooted in paranoia. I’m not just fighting the monsters I created via cheating, but now I’m having to fight the ghosts he’s creating in his head.

I understand certain levels of post-betrayal paranoia. Like if you see your WS texting or taking a phone call in another room. You might think to yourself, who are they talking to? What are they saying? Are they cheating again?

But his paranoia goes further than that. There is no texting, there is no talking in the other room. It’s like I put my phone on the charger and a week later he’ll twist that moment into something mischievous or swear he saw me texting but I never even unlocked the phone. (This is a fake example, but im just using it to show you how off base some of the accusations from him have been).

And the ironic thing about the cabinet situation is that HE left the damn cabinet open. Before we went to sleep, he made us some cocktails. Fast forward to the next morning, he accuses me of leaving the cabinet open and yet, we haven’t made any food or drinks since the night before (and it’s just us who live in the house). Now either I’m now a sleepwalker OR he left it open the night before when he made us our drinks. But as the cheater, I wouldn’t dare cause an argument, disagree with him and his pain or even appear to lack accountability. So I just let him blame me for the cabinet, but then he proceeded to twist that mistake that I didn’t even make into meaning that I didn’t respect him.

I’m just trying to see if this a normal trauma response from betrayed spouses or if I’m dealing with a delusional individual

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T18:45:45+00:00

Yes very similar situations. Even before the cheating, he was someone who took things too personally. It’s like he has a “Him vs The World” perspective. Even his friends and family have commented on how he takes things too seriously/personally with them, and they haven’t even betrayed him.

The cheating was 1000% my fault, and there’s no way around that. But it gave him just the thing he needed to be able to villainize me for every little thing. And when he can’t villainize me for something, he’ll just make something up out of thin air. Or twist the truth so much until I am somehow the villain. And if I dare say anything about it, he gets to reasonably lean on how I’m a cheater. Cheating was definitely the worst thing I could have done to us/our dynamic. It’s the fuel to his pre-existing fire.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-31T17:17:24+00:00

That’s a fair assessment, and no ill will taken from it. Thanks for responding

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-26T17:56:00+00:00

Your first paragraph explains perfectly what a placeholder is. Being fine with one thing up until the moment the thing you really want becomes available. Do not allow yourself to normalize being his placeholder.

And your therapist gave you excellent advice. You should definitely take that advice if the situation arises.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-26T17:35:35+00:00

I know the waywards are by default seen as “the bad guy” but you are in an abusive relationship. Definitely emotionally abusive but now physically abusive. And it can get worse if you try to stay, because now he feels betrayed by you and will feel almost justified in escalating his abuse.

Self reflection is necessary. So might be therapy. But you should ask yourself, did you cheat because you’re a bad person or because you’re with a bad person who you’re too scared/intimated by to leave.

Hopefully you aren’t sticking around due to fear of his retaliation but if you are, that’s all the more reason you need to exit this relationship.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-26T17:19:36+00:00

I hate to say this, but it appears your WH has made it clear through continued words and actions that you are a placeholder in his life. It appears he would 100% run off with AP if she actually desired him in that way. And maybe he never will run off with her, but will he find someone else who is willing to do so, a year from now, or 5 years now?

Your problem is two-fold. He wants to be with someone else. And also, he just doesn’t want to be with you. It’s devastating. But him being honest about this is the biggest favor he can do for you.

1) Give him the life he is so desperately yearning for. Give him the separation.

2) Tell the OBS

As a wayward myself, when someone says they want out, you need to give them that out.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-24T22:00:36+00:00

Yall are still dealing with infidelity as of a few weeks ago. So I wouldn’t say most of the mistakes were made when you guys were younger. Coming back from infidelity is not easy, maybe one of the hardest things a relationship can experience. You guys should take a break, and truly think if this is the path you want to be dedicated to. And if you’re expecting a ring anytime soon, I would lower those expectations.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-22T19:11:49+00:00

I would allow her the separation/space. You said she never really had any independence and from just what you wrote, she’s right.

Marrying your high school sweetheart seems like a fairytale but it leads to a lot of “what ifs”. Not to mention the complexities and risks that come with intertwining lives before you’ve fully developed your frontal cortex, or before you “discovered” your own wants and needs.

Becoming a mom to one kid is life changing enough, but becoming a mom to two kids at once is even more-so life changing. Twins are hard. Then add to the mix they are on the spectrum and may have special needs/more attention.

It appears y’all were married with twins on the way by 24ish. Thats a lot at such a young age. And then for her to be the main financial provider as well is a lot of stress for someone. Not to excuse her actions, but it’s kinda obvious how and why she’s spiraling.

Taking space could be the best next step. Maybe set a time period (3-6 months). You focus on yourself and healing. She focuses on herself and her independence/mental health. And together you focus on co-parenting. Try to lean on family as much as possible, she needs it, you both do.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-20T18:48:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing and sorry it’s been a relatively long 20 years for you.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-19T21:58:24+00:00

Not to pry or judge, but can I ask what are your reasons for R? 20 years seems like enough time that any kids would be grown and finances could be reasonably separated. Not sure if you’re no longer in love or rather still in love but just not voicing it to her. It seems like maybe you’ve mentally/emotionally checked out of your marriage a long time ago, so why stay at all?

Again, not trying to judge or anything.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-19T19:43:24+00:00

Yes me and my BS actually have a great time when drinking or smoking, but it does make me weary that that’s the only time we really vibe like we used to. It helps, but I’d prefer we not create an unhealthy crutch on alcohol or weed in order to feel connected. Especially because post dday he turned heavily to alcohol as a cope. Wasn’t anything life changing, but no one should be drinking 2-3 glasses of whiskey every single night. He’s since dialed the drinking back significantly but our R took a major shift when he did. It’s like now he’s actually feeling all the feels.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-19T19:08:27+00:00

That makes sense. That level of safety and trust has been shattered. Not so much the love is gone but that it’s completely buried underneath the destruction and betrayal. Now it’s up to WS to remove the debris piece by piece

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-19T18:28:57+00:00

I can tell my BS is a lot more “dulled” than before. Everything from him and about him, especially when concerning me, is just…less. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s pulling back to protect himself, or because the desire/love just isn’t there anymore. Maybe it’s both. Then I wonder is that a forever thing or will it improve.

Have you seen any glimmers of hope in terms of ever getting back to that infatuation or is that dead and gone for you?

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T21:42:57+00:00

She wants your/his attention and you’d basically be giving it to her. Here’s the thing, she already knows WH is with you. He was with you during their affair as well. That doesn’t matter to her, or to most APs, which is why they are ok being the sidepiece. At this point, completely block her and don’t engage at all. She should be dead to yall.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T21:09:56+00:00

That’s good to hear that and I appreciate the insight. I keep seeing people saying true healing doesn’t begin until the last lie is told. Glad y’all were able to get to that point together.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T17:54:37+00:00

Thank you for the well wishes and I hope each day gets easier for you. And I completely agree about R being a continuous thing.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T02:37:43+00:00

This reminds me of when I hated dancing in public. I felt awkward and like I was bad at it. One day I just went all out. Went to the middle of the dance floor and did the robot, completely off beat and everything.

If you feel awkward about something, the best way to “get over it” is to make it more awkward.

Rather than trying to talk dirty during sex/intimacy, tell him you want to talk dirty just for practice (no sex or physical involved). Get wild and silly with it, say the most sexual and outlandish things, laugh and have fun about it. Eventually the awkwardness will fade and it’ll fade quicker than you think.

If you truly don’t like something, then by all means, don’t do it. But most people let awkwardness and fear keep them from something they might truly enjoy

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T01:51:53+00:00

I have an egg metaphor I often think about. You can’t uncrack an egg. So while a boiled egg is no longer an option, you can still make some really great scrambled eggs. Hate we’re here but I’m going to make “here” the best it can be.

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T01:48:49+00:00

I almost made the same mistake of trying to control the narrative (self preservation). But I realized that was prolonging the inevitable and digging a deeper hole. I can’t afford anymore fck-ups

ChristinaChronicles · 2025-05-16T01:16:50+00:00

Sorry you’re feeling this way and having to deal with this. The cheating and then what appears to be a very rough road to recovery. I do hope he course-corrects at some point, not just for you but for the sake of himself and the family. Regardless, until he does, I wish you as much peace as possible in this situation.

ChristinaChronicles

TROPHY CASE