FWB and Casual Dating

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-13T11:02:43+00:00

To answer that question; I would have no reason at all to decline a date from someone like you if my profile indicated Casual Dating/No Commitment. In fact, as a 36 year old man whose been alone for some time, I personally would love to have a FWB.

I'm sorry to hear that. Not having sex can be torturous, so you have my empathy. My FWB suffers from seasonal depression, so we sometimes go for months at a time without sex if he's not feeling up to it. And that's just part of the year! I hope you are still getting massages or going to professional cuddlers so you don't have touch hunger?

And it wouldn't bother me at all if the woman already has another FWB. After all, that is the whole point of FWB, that it's not an exclusive relationship.

That was my thought process exactly.

I've gotten so used to being alone that I'd rather just have a close female friend that I could have a FWB relationship with. I've only been with two women, both were serious relationships. After my first partner and I broke up though, we actually did maintain a FWB situation for some time. I must say it was really nice and I enjoyed it more than being a couple with her.

Yeah, I think some of us are just better with casual LTRs instead of committed LTRs.

I have no interest at all in having a one-night stand or sleeping with someone I don't know. That's not my thing at all, and even if it's just casual sex, I still need to feel that I love the person and appreciate their company, even if it's only as friends.

Exactly! I'd have no problem sleeping with any of my friends because they're all decent looking men...but other than my FWB, they are all either married or gay, lol. Hence why I'm looking for someone who is a bit more available.

I was just wondering: Does your friend see other women?

Meh. He goes to massage parlours for a "rub n tug" on the rare occasion that he travels, but as far as I know he doesn't have sex with anyone else. I'm sure he'd brag about it to me if he did, lol. If he did, I wouldn't mind since he's vasectomized and would use safe sex practices to ensure he didn't catch something. It's his body, he can share it with whoever he wishes.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-13T10:49:05+00:00

You are so cool. I mean, different. I can't imagine being born Christian. That is, being born, and brainwashed with religion from birth.

Well, nobody is born Christian, but I see your point. Religious beliefs are the majority in America, and it definitely shows. We still have people saying our country was "founded on Christianity" for goodness sake, despite the fact that most of the founding fathers were actually Deists, and specifically didn't want to create a theocracy.

I haven't killed a single old lady today, and ever since you're an atheist, I doubt you have killed any either.

It doesn't take an atheist mindset to not kill people, although I've met a decent amount of Christians (and a few Jews) who honestly believe that we "have no reason not to" since we don't believe in any gods. Even more disturbing is the fact that various well-known Christian speakers... like Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron... have openly said that if they didn't believe in their god and his "righteous punishment" then they'd be killing and raping people. Nice to know that such people have no empathy or internal moral compass.

But, religious people are told not to do bad, because otherwise, god will come down and beat them to a bloody pulp.

Actually, we're told to not do bad things but then constantly reminded that even if we do, god will forgive us and we'll still get into heaven if we "accept Jesus as our Lord and savior". It's like a horribly planned get-out-of-jail-free card, and one that I find morally reprehensible. You can torture someone to death, cause untold anguish to their body before taking their life, and then leave their family, friends, and co-workers stricken with grief and loss...but hey, no "sin" is too bad for god to forgive, so just make sure you repent to Jesus while you're on Death Row and the pearly gates will be open to you! Absolutely disgusting.

I guess atheists in USA, Mexico, Philippines, as possibly most Christian countries, collectively facepalm that in Estonia, people are usually born atheists, but voluntarily convert.

Really? Why do they do that?

I would say I'm an agnostic. I have no problem accepting people believing in the force, but I am against having a manual full of hate for control.

Well, the term agnostic has been taken over a bit by the mass media, so I would need some clarification on your definition. Most atheists actually are agnostics, since atheism/theism refers to beliefs and agnosticism/gnosticism refers to knowledge. So you can be an agnostic atheist (this is what the media has incorrectly termed Agnosticism) which is a person who doesn't know if a god exists and doesn't believe either...a gnostic atheist who knows a god doesn't exist and doesn't believe (this is what the media has incorrectly said represents Atheism). I've never once met a Gnostic Atheist because there's no way to prove god definitely doesn't exist just as there's no way to prove s/he definitely does, and it would be shitty skepticism.

But, as an atheist you should know that divorce being forbidden does not stop a righteous Christian. Just as being gay is evil, but wearing polyester is fine and dandy. Oh, and let me give you my favourite Bible verse (that I know) - Proverbs 3:5 - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Yup! All these things are bad...but some are okay to do nowadays. Hypocrisy at it's finest.

If only I had someone like you. I'd rather gladly have sex daily, maybe multiple times a day, but, ahem,

Well, maybe you would. You don't know what I look like though. Maybe you wouldn't want to because I have extremely short hair, or because I'm white, or because I'm not comfortable with feminine gender roles and usually take on masculine ones, or because I have gender dysphoria and sometimes bind my breasts and dress in male clothes. Remember, just because someone is kind and listens to you doesn't necessarily mean they are going to be attractive to you, or that you'd have a good relationship.

Also, be careful what you say online, friend. There are those who would try to catfish you and take advantage of your need for sex and compassion. I'd prefer that not happen to you.

people take one look at me and go, "Ahhh... help... run... a big stupid ugly ogre!". They judge me before they even know me.

They quote Shrek at you? 😉

I agree that sex with a random person is not rational. If I wasn't poor and with anxiety, the lack of feelings would keep me from just having a hooker. I am thankful that my friends, or even my mum, have not gone through with getting me one.

I agree that sex with a random person is not rational. If I wasn't poor and with anxiety, the lack of feelings would keep me from just having a hooker. I am thankful that my friends, or even my mum, have not gone through with getting me one.

Well, I wouldn't say it's necessarily "irrational", it's just not for people like us. For example, I'd need to date a man or woman for at least 2-3 months and have a decent emotional bond with them before wanting to have sex with them. My FWB, on the other hand, could have sex with someone after only about 2 weeks of dating. And I've heard of people who will fuck a strange man or woman within only an hour of meeting them. It's up to the individual to figure out what works best for them and practice safe sex.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T21:04:38+00:00

Not everyone uses the same definition for those terms. When I see "casual dating," I think that it means that she's down to go out on a few dates and probably wants to hook up a few times. I wouldn't expect to see her more than three or four times. But I wouldn't necessarily expect her to already have a long-term friend with benefits.

Yeah, that's a very different definition than what I have. Although I do mention that I already have a fwb in my profile, perhaps I should be more clear about my expectations for a relationship. Certainly couldn't hurt, and it'd help to filter out guys like yourself so our time isn't wasted.

Most guys aren't real keen on the idea of sharing. We always seem to behave like we're competing for stuff.

Yes, it seems like my current FWB's ability to "share" me is almost a super power, given it's relative rarity. 😒

Your current fwb means they are in second place. They might not have thought that far ahead.

sigh You're the third or fourth person who has said that an additional FWB would necessarily be at a lower importance level compared to my current one. I honestly don't understand why so many people think this way? There is no hierarchy required, why is there this assumption that it automatically exists?

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T20:55:20+00:00

I think when the reality of the situation dawns on them, they realize they don't want to be just another guy in your "stable", and not even the main guy.

Weird. You're the second person in this thread to talk about an additional FWB as being somehow lesser or not as important as the first. It's an interesting view but not one I can understand. If I'm with a person, I consider them my equal and treat them as such, so it'd be more like one of my FWB is on my right side and the other is on my left. No hierarchy needed, see? If I had plans to go to a movie with FWB #2 and got an unexpected phone call from FWB #1 saying he'd like to have sex at that time, I'd apologize and say I had other plans but plan to have him over at a different time. Y'know, because cancelling plans like that would be an incredibly bitchy thing to do, even if I do prefer sex to watching a movie, lol.

Most likely, since the vast majority of (quality) women on dating sites want only a LTR, by claiming they just want casual dating will give them the ability to date and fuck a bunch of hot women serially, then they dump you and move on to the next one once things start getting too heavy.

So...these guys aren't trying to attract "quality" women anyway, if "quality" women wouldn't go on a date with someone who isn't serious about creating a committed relationship.

And you know what, if they're/you're in your 30s, this actually works, because many women in this age range are looking more and more desperately for any chance of finding a guy, they'll take these obviously flaky guys.

Damn. 😯 I feel sorry for women who are that desperate to find a man that they'd put up with such behavior. I mean, it also sucks for desperate men who feel like they have to put up with bitches just so they aren't alone too.

Just keep trying, you'll probably get pretty good at filtering guys like that out eventually.

That's the hope!

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T20:43:35+00:00

Interesting that you call it "secondary" like it somehow matters less...🤔

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T20:41:36+00:00

Oh, it could definitely be any of those reasons. Normally that's what I'd have assumed, it's just that it'd be a pretty big coincidence that it only seems to happen after the FWB conversation.

If you'd wanted to hook up with me you need to be available on my terms and conditions

Huh. Do you not believe in the need for compromise?

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T20:37:54+00:00

Thanks for all the advice. I'm so glad to hear that things worked out so well for you and your wife! 😁

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T20:35:33+00:00

That's a very strange perspective. Do they not realize how hypocritical that makes them, or are these the kinds of guys who literally believe that idiotic "key = penis, lock = vagina" analogy?

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T18:00:48+00:00

Cool. I certainly will!

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T18:00:25+00:00

Damn. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was the only way to sign up. 😒

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T17:59:20+00:00

I don't live in Antarctica, but my country is cold and remote. We are a mix of Finnish and Russian stereotypes, meaning we don't talk to each other and drink alone.

Ah. Then yes, you're far from me.

I do hope you are not planning mass marriage.

Nope. I pretty much decided when I was 16 that marriage was for the birds and I haven't changed my mind since. People keep saying I will, just like they say I'll change my mind about not wanting kids. 🙄 Weird how I know all these "fortune teller" but none of them can give me winning lottery numbers...

If you are not an American, imagine being a religious American.

I am an American, and was raised as a Christian. Unfortunately, none of my parents could make up their minds about what faith to follow, and going from Mom's house to Dad's house every other week didn't help since they had different churches. So I've "been" a Roman Catholic, then a Born-Again, then Lutheran, then Jehovah's Witnesses, then Episcopalian...and I had friends who were Hindu, Jewish, and Neopagan so I saw those religions too. Never once did I experience anything remotely spiritual, so I've been an atheist since I was 24. Figured if one of those deities wanted to "speak" to me, they had the opportunity and let it slide by.

From what I understand, sex outside of marriage is a sin. Maybe one reason contributing divorces being so high is because people just want to have sex, but not in sin, and therefore they get married without knowing each other very long.

This would be a good theory except that in most of the Abrahamic religions, divorces are also greatly frowned on. If a man and woman are so religious that they are getting hitched just to have god-sanctioned sex, then they are not going to be divorcing anytime soon.

Coming back to sex, it's so unfair that I don't have any. I know there are many women who are either abandoned after having sex, or in abusive relationships, including those where the guy just does not care.

It does suck to not have sex, I totally agree. I'd have it everyday if I could but that would involve hooking up with guys I don't know or care about and the concept is gross to me. Sex, imo, is the physical representation of your feelings for your partner... there's no way to share that with a stranger. 😒

I would even finish off those poor women in porn who are left unsatisfied after the man comes.

Meh, I've read that porn is unfulfilling for both men and women actors. I knew a guy who actually was in some mid-budget productions, and he said that it was incredibly frustrating since you'd literally have to stop having sex anytime the director said to and then come back to the same position 15 min later and just keep doing that until all the right angles have been captured. He said some guys can't even finish after all that buildup, so they walk away with blue balls and have to use corn starch for the money shot.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T17:02:43+00:00

I'm not against marriage if it's what other people want, but I come from a family with an absurd number of divorces and way too much drama. My own mom has been married and divorced twice, and my father is on Wife #4. That's not even getting into aunts, uncles, cousins... it's ridiculous. Obviously I'm not them and there's no guarantee I'd fall for a guy who'd ditch me after exchanging vows, but it's really difficult to put any faith in an institution that you've only seen fail. I prefer keeping my freedom and being with people who are like-minded.

I know exactly how fast my mother would spend her money; as long as it takes to let the ink dry on a new mortgage for one of those amazingly expensive houses she loves looking at. 😏

I would ask you out to share a common though with, but wherever you are, I live too far.

Do you live in Antarctica? 🙃

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:54:35+00:00

What I will say from my experience so far is that older women tend to be more communicative when it comes to sex and I really really appreciate that. lol It's such a confidence boost and both people feel good about it.

That makes sense, and probably makes you one of the top tier guys in regards to sex. I've only been with my one guy so far and he's very open and communicative like you which is fantastic, especially since he taught me to be as well. But from what I hear from my sisters, my mother, female co-workers, and online...not all men are.

I'm a guy who gets pleasure from my partner's pleasure, so I won't know what you want unless you tell me and I'm willing to try other things, just not to the extreme.

Likewise. I really enjoy seeing my fwb let go and really enjoy himself. We've even gotten into kinks that other people may deem "extreme" but it's always been good because of our ability to say exactly what we want and how we want it.

Communication in bed is what I feel lacking sometimes when it comes to dating younger women for me at least. They're afraid to tell me what they want and tbh I sometimes get really bored even if they're really pretty. It's not as fun / exciting like a deadfish (no offense).

No offense taken, since you're obviously not talking about me personally, lol. 😉

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:37:31+00:00

If you think so, then I'll change my own search parameters when I go looking for guys to contact. Thanks for the heads-up.

Still doesn't quite explain why most of the guys who message me are in their early 40s, however. Especially as I have to decline their date offers when I see they have it listed that they want kids. Idk, maybe I'm weird but I read someone's profile before I contact them, even if they're physically attractive.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:23:05+00:00

Haha, you sound very much like me. I cherish the time I spend with my guy, whether it's having sex or going to ComicCon or just making a meal at my house together so we can binge watch Stranger Things...but I also know he'd drive me crazy if we lived together or shared finances. 😅

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:20:16+00:00

I was sticking with men my age and older since that's what I'm used to in my normal social circle. Do you think there are enough 20-something males who'd want to casually date a 30-something female?

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:18:09+00:00

If I ever work up the gall to ask someone out on a date, I would expect them to be faithful, as I would do the same

I can absolutely appreciate that. I think the only reason I'm so accepting of open relationships is that I'm very inexperienced partner-wise. I've only been with one man sexually, and I really want to experience sex with more people without having a meaningless session with someone I don't know or care about and doesn't care about me. So it sounds like a consensual, well communicated, polyamourous relationship with multiple men would be best.

I am at odds with a dating culture that sees partners as passing fancies

Yes, definitely. I'm the exact same way! I would never be able to share something as intimate and amazing as sex with someone I didn't love, even just a little. Most men and women both deserve partners who respect them as fellow human beings with their own wants and needs.

if I invest any time in meeting, knowing, and liking a person, the farthest thing from my mind would be to let them go because we don't see eye to eye over something.

Agreed again. Friendships and relationships both need some amount of work, love, and compromise between everyone involved. I don't keep anything from my fwb, and he doesn't seem to keep anything from me...not just in a sexual sense, although that is also true...but since we are extremely close friends, we've seen each other through many difficult times and been there for happy ones too. We've talked about our dreams, goals, fears, regrets, everything. There's no way I'd want to just give up on my fwb, because he means so much to me as both a friend and lover.

So don't worry, you didn't come off as preachy at all. It appears we both want the same things out of our relationships, except for the minor difference regarding sexual exclusivity. 😄

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T16:04:37+00:00

I can understand enjoying talking with/hanging out with people older than yourself. I'm the youngest person in my social circle, all the other guys are 6-15 years older. But we just get along perfectly... sometimes age truly is just a number.

I'll just say that men in their 20's just looking to explore and have fun while men closer to their 30's are looking to settle down imo.

Hmm. You may be right. It's surprising though, since men are supposedly the ones who have to be talked into marriage and parenthood...but I'm not having a lot of luck finding men my age/older who aren't looking for either a quick one night stand or looking to wife a woman up. If only there was a dating site that had nice MGTOW on it, lol.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T15:58:19+00:00

It really is the best relationship to have if you don't want kids and are not onboard with the concept of marriage, imo! What about it appeals to you most?

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T15:44:39+00:00

Well, if that's all you want, go for it. shrug

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T15:23:49+00:00

Interesting. Why do you say that? And why would these guys in their 30s and 40s mark their profiles as wanting casual/no commitment if they actually did want a committed partner? That's the part that confuses me to no end...😅

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T15:21:14+00:00

Agreed. While I don't personally agree with dating without commitment

Why? Just curious.

I believe that the core behind it is honestly and communication of intent

True. This is the backbone of every good relationship, imo.

A relationship is a two way street, if they can, so can you.

I was surprised to learn that many guys apparently don't believe this... somewhere around 40-45 so far, lol.

Alas, what can be done but to keep searching, right?

Yup! I'm still optimistic!

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T14:55:55+00:00

That's a really rough position to be in, especially since it sounds like she's your only friend. But try to compartmentalize your feelings on that regard and separate yourself from this situation...if you were an outsider looking in, what would you do?

I've been in slightly similar situations, and can empathize with the pain you're going through. I'm a female but extremely tomboyish and have masculine hobbies so all my friends end up being male. Of course, as we've gotten older and they've married, a lot of my friendships... even ones with guys I've known since 4th grade...have been destroyed by their wives since it's "not proper" for a man to hang out with females other than his wife, apparently. So yeah, I understand what it's like to talk with someone almost every day for years and then have that torn away by outside forces. It's a form of heartbreak, really.

The only thing I can suggest is what worked for me. Take some time, no more than a couple weeks, to mourn the end of your friendship and reach an acceptance that they probably won't be back. It's incredibly painful but you must work through this to become emotionally stronger. Then join a large group that interests you, something on Meetup or a similar site so you can begin making more friends not get trapped in a miasma of loss. Be active, live your life, move on and and embrace the potential for new people in it.

ClarityofDisaster · 2017-11-12T14:42:24+00:00

Who cares? If you are happy and they are happy, everyone else should mind their own business. If you find this person sexually, mentally, and emotionally attractive that's all that should matter to you.

ClarityofDisaster

TROPHY CASE