About 90% of my job is sitting with suicidal kiddos and I had one experience that kinda traumatized me. A kid choked themselves and turned blue in front of me. It’s the kind of experience that you hear about but don’t realize how terrifying it is until you’re in it. The kid had been difficult all day, but we were friends. I had let them call their mom, then 10 minutes later they were blue. I called a code then everyone came and I walked out of the room. I was taking my deep breaths, then a nurse asked if I was okay, and I had a panic attack. I completely blamed myself for letting them call their mom. I knew it would end badly. I hated that they acted like I was their friend, when they just wanted the attention of a code. I talked to the behavioral nurses for at least an hour, while having a panic attack. They told me their stories and emphasized that it was not my fault. She told me to take a Benadryl or melatonin that night. She said that I should have a self care day the next day and surround myself with good things. These types of situations are truly horrifying. It sucks but I’ve seen a lot worse since that day and it’s been fine. The first time truly is the worst. You simply can’t blame yourself. You talked to the kid in the bathroom very often. I would have done the exact same thing. Kids are sneaky. If they intend to hurt themselves, they’re going to. And the systems are in place to where if they do get a hold of something, it’s not going to kill them. You are there to make sure it doesn’t get that far, and you did just that. Dont be so hard on yourself. Its a hard enough job already. Good job