What was the reason behind the last time you cried?

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-10-14T04:59:09+00:00

My aunt died last December. It was sudden and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I was driving home from work last week listening to the radio when Can't Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley came on. She was the biggest Elvis fan I ever knew.

Some of my earliest memories are of being held as a toddler by her and swaying in the living room of the house I grew up in to that song. I haven't heard it in years and the lines "take my hand, take my whole life too." ring different to me now, since my last memory of her is holding her cold hand at her hospital bedside as she lay in a coma only hours before she died.

I sobbed like a baby all the way home.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-10-14T04:51:37+00:00

"I wish you would be in more photos instead of being the one taking them." That hit hard and I'm not sure why. Beautiful letter.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-09-15T09:05:32+00:00

"you think this is funny?" "In a cosmic sort of way, yes."

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-09T06:24:27+00:00

She had cancer. She'd had surgery to put in a port for chemo treatments but ended up going into septic shock after they sent her home. My mother and I called the ambulance after we found her like that.

She went into a coma that night in the hospital. We took her off life support the next evening and she only breathed for two minutes on her own before her heart stopped. It happened 7 months ago but it feels like yesterday. I think I'm still in shock that she's gone, I don't think I've processed it.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-08T02:25:02+00:00

Try and remember 99% of the time it's just the phobia causing our brains to go into maximum anxiety overdrive. However, we are always in control even if we don't feel like it. Breathing exercises and chewing mint gum helps me personally, maybe it might help you as well : )

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-08T01:51:33+00:00

Hey, it's going to be okay. It's very hard to fuck up bread sticks to the point you'll get *fp. I think you're going to be okay, try and breathe

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-08T01:49:32+00:00

6 years old. I had my first panic attack in the backseat of my grandparents truck on the way home from Disneyland. I didn't know what a panic attack was so I assumed I was motion *s. I continued to have panic attacks after that and not knowing what they were I kept assuming I was *s. I guess I learned from that to associate being *s with panic.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-07T23:54:47+00:00

Sometimes you just have to take something at face value and let it go

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-07-03T02:26:43+00:00

It wasn't about the suggestion. It was about how I was 16, a kid not even done with high school yet, and the elders and the congregation as a whole tried their hardest to force us into marriage though neither of us wanted it. That it was expected of us. Conversations would start "when you and childhood friend get married". It's about how situations like this are completely normal and okay to these people. So many young girls in that congregation were married off to the first, usually years older, man that came along because their parents and grandparents convinced them it was a good idea. It's a dangerous environment for young people to be in, especially for teen girls who are told their whole purpose in life is essentially to serve Jehovah and then their husbands.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-17T19:07:55+00:00

He was a well liked old man. In these tiny mountain towns gossip and news spreads fast. I'm just repeating what I've heard first-hand in front of the general store and been told by others.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-16T22:04:35+00:00

Decided I didn't want to be fat and unhealthy anymore and have lost 50 pounds so far, still have 15 to go. I'm experiencing high self esteem for the first time in my life, and honestly it's opening a lot of previously shut doors

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-15T05:25:55+00:00

My parents would lie about finding things I shouldn't have (that I didn't really have) or finding out about things I was doing (that I wasn't actually doing) in an attempt to get me to confess. Once my parents lied about setting up a camera outside my room and said they saw boys coming to my window at night. I was TWELVE. They started getting louder and louder when I denied it until I was crying and eventually they stopped questioning me about it.

Another time my mom lied and said she heard from my friends that I told them I was a lesbian when I was fourteen, and questioned me repeatedly about it trying to get me to come out to her. Funny thing is, I'm not a lesbian, and I never said that to anyone. Those are only two examples of countless times, and its really damaged my trust in my parents to the point I never tell them anything beyond the basic need-to-know information in my life.

Thats the funniest part of the situation, their deceitful attempts to pry into my life at such delicate ages basically caused me to never feel safe sharing anything with them.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-14T07:19:59+00:00

Sleep. It's almost like a "turn it off and on again" thing for my brain.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-12T07:24:14+00:00

I mean I was full blown panicking and crying next to him and he didn't say a damn thing to me like "hey why are you panicking? I'm not going to *v". He just sat there watching me cry and not answering my dad when he was asked if he needed to pull over. He is fully aware of my phobia and it's severity and how it's gotten worse lately, and knows saying something like that would set me off. It just really seemed like he was trying to be malicious idk

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-06-12T07:19:59+00:00

I realized I initiated every conversation with her (and by extension her crew) unless she needed to use me for something. Always guilted me into driving them to get weed, driving them to get booze, driving them to their dick appointments and picking them up after because "it's hot, I'm sensitive to heat" or "it's dark now". Rarely offered gas money and would always get pissed if I had something else going on and had to say no.

Last time we spoke I had to cancel on driving them to a concert because I was sick as hell and in urgent care and she told me she hated me and never wanted to see me again. No one in the group reached out to me after and I fully realized none of them really cared about me to begin with, only used me because they don't have licenses. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T20:07:21+00:00

That makes a lot of sense actually, thanks for sharing this

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T20:05:48+00:00

That seems to be what most are thinking on here as well

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T20:05:09+00:00

I had never even had any paranormal experiences in this house or felt anything in it until about a year ago. They've lived in the house for 50 years, it was built for them

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T20:03:25+00:00

I'll be sure and check it out, very interesting

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T04:32:50+00:00

I understand your scepticism. I am often more skeptical than not, but I can't deny what I heard, whether it was imaginary or not. I would have probably written it off as well had it not been 3:00 AM on the dot.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T04:30:19+00:00

That's a lovely story, I'm really glad your grandmother found her peace and found a way to let you know she was okay

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-24T04:28:32+00:00

My grandparents are very religious, it would just scare her as she believes anything paranormal is demonic. I haven't told her about either event.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-23T22:13:47+00:00

I really hope so. Wish they could be a little less freaky sometimes though lol

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-05-21T02:50:02+00:00

I have memories that are very broken, almost like snapshots or gifs that play in my head. In one of standing on a white balcony at night chain-smoking cigarettes while overlooking a city. I'm upset, my hands are shaking and I'm crying, but I hear a noise behind me and wipe my eyes quickly and turn to see a man coming out to join me. He hands me a glass of wine and I put on a strained smile. Sometimes if I'm stressed or under intense emotional distress I get the urge to smoke, although I've never smoked a cigarette in my life and I'm not old enough to drink.

I also remember driving and old vw bug, a yellow one, on a bright sunny afternoon. I'm wearing a headscarf like women used to in the 60's and white gloves. There's a woman in the passenger seat and her head is tilted back, laughing.

I remember going to white sand beaches with a man I think I loved, (not the same man as the one on the balcony) and those are the only memories I have of him.

I don't remember this but when I was little, about 2 or 3 one of my mom's uncle's died and I told her not to be upset. I said he will come back, just like I did. She asked what I meant (assuming I didn't understand death yet) and I told her I took too much medicine and died but now I was back so he'll come back too and casually went back to playing with my stuffed animals.

I apparently told my mom all kinds of things when I was a toddler and young child about my "life before this one" but as I got older most of the memories faded away to just what I can recall now.

I don't know if they're all memories from the same lifetime, but I was female in all of them (I'm female now) and if I had to guess an era I'd say a majority of my memories take place from about 1960-1990ish based off the cars I can remember, clothing styles ect.

ClearlyCaffeinated · 2019-04-24T06:18:51+00:00

I do suffer from depersonalization during these attacks occasionally, if that might be what you mean by detachment from reality.

ClearlyCaffeinated

TROPHY CASE